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"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Friday, July 16, 2010

Update

Our former birthmother (wish I had another term for her as that wasn't really the case ever!), but whatever you want to call her, I'll use scammer, is currently behind bars. I say this not to gloat on her situation, but to say that I am certain that our role and having to endure this pain was to make sure that someone else didn't have to fall victim to this sick person. We will pursue making sure she is prosecuted to the full extent of the law, as ours was not a 'change of mind', but a full out scam job.

She is in jail due to a parole violation back in February, so what happens from here I am not really sure. I pray that in her incarceration that others will be praying for her salvation, as she does have a baby girl to consider. The anger I feel right now will not allow me to pray that specifically for her at this time, but I am praying that God will work on my heart in the future. I will ask that anyone who wants to please lift up the child in prayer because she doesn't have her mother right now, and she is an innocent by-stander, a precious child of God. Without a doubt, I believe that her grandmother is loving and caring for her, at least that's what I hope and pray.

I myself, will be gone this next week on a mission trip to New Orleans, LA with my high schoolers. New Orleans is probably my favorite place in the world. I love it there, the food, the culture, the history, the people watching, the atmosphere, everything. So, I am thrilled that we are helping in a place that really is near and dear to my heart. Going with my youth and watching them grow and share and love is a gift beyond words, so I'm super pumped about this trip. The next week I'll be with some other people that I dearly love, that is my former youth group in Shreveport, I'm going to camp with their mid high group, and I'm super ecstatic about that as well. There will be fun, adventure (think zip line, rock climbing, repelling, hiking), and worship, oh how I love worship!!!! These are going to be two awesome weeks, but I will miss my sweet husband.

If I haven't mentioned it lately, I adore him. Seriously!! He called me today and started laughing (he's hysterical and thinks so himself) and reminded me of our first 'real' date where we went to eat sushi and I dropped a piece in my soy sauce, splattering it all over my cream colored shirt--not so funny to me, but he thought it was hilarious, still does obviously. Still it made me laugh again, and he makes me laugh ALL THE TIME!!

I also got to meet with a sweet, beautiful woman of God named Keiah Ellis. She recently wrote a book, that I HIGHLY recommend to everyone. It's called "Aftermath" and it is God-breathed. Check it out--immediately!!

Happy Weekend to all!!!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Asking for Prayers

As I continue to be surrounded by so much love and support from all of my family, friends, and fellow bloggers/blms, I wanted to ask for prayers today.

Sean and I are trying our hand again at the whole baby having thing. So, if you will lift us up in prayer for this endeavor, we would be grateful, as we have been for all of your prayers. It is still our dream to have our own children and I now have the courage to try again.

We are still in talks about adopting, and believe that it continues to be something that our family will do. Right now, we're debating domestic vs. international, and which agencies we want to investigate. For the moment, we need a break from that though, our recent experience is too raw to dive in head-first again just yet!

I hope everyone has a glorious weekend, mine is starting early as I head home to visit with some friends and as my Granny always said, go to the beauty shop! HaHaHa!! I'll have pictures to share afterwards!!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Happening

I wanted to explain to all of you what Happening is. My sister was on Happening staff this weekend in Alexandria, LA. The reason I explain is because it is something so big in my life and I pray to always be a part of this movement!

Happening is a statewide Methodist retreat held twice a year for high school aged youth. It is lead by, run by, and put on by youth, though there are a few adults who do staff (but they by no means run the show!). To tell you that this experience, this "retreat" is incredible wouldn't even begin to sum up what God does at these weekends.

In January of 1995, I went all by myself to the Baptist conference center in Pineville, LA and for the first time in my life I knew what it meant to 'know' Christ. I was raised in church and active in my youth group, but this experience was different, it changed my life. I began to see everything in a different light and it began forming the person that I am today. That was Happening #5, this weekend was #36, so I'd say it's been pretty successful! Life-changing it definitely is!

So, last summer my sister and I were privledged enough to serve on staff together as adults! Rene' is 5.5 years younger than me, so when it was her time to go through I was in college (and astray from God), so we didn't quite 'share' that experience. To be able to go back all these years later, to see the movement still in action, to serve alongside my best friend/sister, was more than I could have hoped for in one weekend.

I said it at the end of that experience and I will continue to say it...Media paints such a picture of todays youth, as being lost, troubled, troubling, confused, like they are a scarey place to lay our future. Not these youth, not these upcoming adults who love God and serve one another with hearts that don't see color, don't see status, don't see anything but the love of Christ. These youth are our future, and it's so bright I have to wear shades (or loan out my Coach ones to Micheal!). If you are in Louisiana, or know anyone who lives there and is youth age (or the few lucky adults who get to experience it!), do it!! Let me know and I'll pass the information along!

Here I sit wishing I were still at the conference center, surrounded by those wonderful people and so grateful that God blessed me with the opportunity over 15 years ago to become part of that community and continue to be a part today.

Youth ministry is a calling I'm sure, which I've felt, and it must be true because it feels like nothing but pure joy to me! Watching young people love God and love others without abandon, that's kingdom work, and that's what it's all about!!!

***I do want to say thank you to all of you who have posted and written and commented and prayed and thought about us! We feel the prayers and we are grateful to be surrounded by so many people who love us so deeply!****

Thursday, July 8, 2010

How do I say this?...

I'll just have to put it out there. I think that writing this will be therapeutic...

Our adoption was a scam. Literally, from the beginning, our birthmother never intended to give us the baby and has done this to another family previously. Wow! That was hard to write.

So, there it is in black and white. She is an actual criminal, not like ha!ha!, but seriously, it's like her career. I know she's read this before, which is where she began her attack on my family. So, if you're reading this, Darla, thanks for such a wild ride!

While I am very sad that we didn't end up with a baby, I also know that the best thing possible has happened. Had we given up in the process, this would never have been found out and she might be able to do this to yet another family. Throughout the whole process I was skeptical, there were lots of alarms about this little girl, and many times we wanted to bail. As I continuously prayed about the situation, I never was given confirmation to bail. I assumed that that was because regardless of her baloney, we'd end up with a baby in the end. Sometimes what we think are the purpose, and what really are, end up different. I believe in this case, our experience was to be able to help stop this girl from hurting anyone else (her rap sheet tells a story of the many people she's taken in her wake).

From early on, I said that I wanted to work on adoption reform, to decrease the chances for families (who desperately want children) being taken advantage of in return for monetary assistance. Currently in many states, a birthmother can be paid living expenses, medical expenses, and even more. Now, I will say that I am in no way bashing birthmothers, I know that there are some amazing women out there who lovingly gave their children better homes--I know quite a few of these adopted children and they are blessed! I am saying that there should be reform to decrease the birthmothers, who promise their children in return for money and then "change their minds" in the end. I'm certain that this happens out of the sheer inability to let go of their children most of the time, but then there are scammers, and people who just really aren't honest and are trying to get a buck without working for it. Then families like ours get pulled through the mud, lose our money that we worked hard for, and end up broken-hearted again.

Luckily, in this instance, I can see the purpose early on. It is refreshing to see all of the ways that God worked in this situation. We did prepare and decorate and buy clothes, but no one in our families truly believed that this adoption was going to happen (I may be speaking out of turn, but this is my blog!). I believe that the Holy Spirit kept our hearts guarded for a reason, so that the loss wouldn't be as great, and we would be able to recover. We [Reids and Troxclairs] are some serious fighters and overcome obstacles together. Sean and I are a pretty strong team, and continue to grow stronger as we face obstacles together. My husband is my greatest gift from God since I've been grown (see how I did that because my sister came when I was little!!). Secondly, God has also shown me that He can TRULY support me and hold me up if I'll only trust Him!

After my second loss, I was so angry with God, maybe I needed somewhere to focus it, but instead of clinging to Him, I blamed Him. This experience has been much different, as my faith has grown so much over the past year. Probably being so fully against our move yet seeing just how much God has done here, I've learned a lot about His sovereignty. Throughout this whole surreal experience I have had a calm and a peace. I knew that as many people as we had praying for this situation that the outcome, even if I didn't love it, would certainly be God's will for us. So, when the answer was NO, I was at peace.

Thank you so much to all of our friends and family who have been praying for us. Your love and support have helped sustain us as God's perfectly placed angels on earth! Continue to pray for our next steps in "Making Our Troxclair Family"!!

p.s. I know that some people are wondering if we will use the name Cala Fay with another baby, the answer is YES! This was NOT our Cala Fay (this baby has actually had another name all along used by her parents in maternity pictures that I found I might add!!). Our baby has yet to be put with us, but we BELIEVE that one day she will!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Failed Adoption

It is over! the birthmother isn't giving her up. We shouldve followed our guts and bailed in the very beginning, but sometimes you do stupid things and instead I let my heart get too wrapped up in the possibility of it all.

We are heartbroken and crushed, we shouldve seen the signs. But she seemed to have an explaination for everything, though we didn't believe her. I will continue to pray for her and that child, but it will be hard!

Thank you all for your love and support! We're not sure where we will go from here. I'm exhausted and want to sleep for days!!!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

A few things...

1. Please pray for and send love over to my sweet friend, Shandrea, she lost her baby boy at 19 weeks yesterday. She has endured so much heartache and her faith continues to be strong! Still she deserves all the love and support she can get.

2. Nan will go in to have her rainbow baby on Thursday, please pray for safety of mom and baby and for her to have that little angel in her arms happy and healthy!

3. We have heard nothing at all from our birthmother since sometime Friday. I'm trying to give her space, but we had to set a deadline, so Tuesday morning it is. Please continue to pray for the situation, as it is going to be hard regardless of the outcome! I know that God's hand is on us as we travel this road and that His will will prevail regardless of human choices. God is good all the time!!! All the time God is good! My soul is finding peace in Him.

4. Happy 4th of July! Thank you to the men and women who serve our country and to their families for the sacrifices they give also!!

5. Gigantic thank you to all of our friends, family, and all praying for us! It's surreal to be in this place, but God continues to work through all of you!!! I was especially blessed this morning after church with very special prayers from very dear friends!! Thank you could never be enough!!!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Almost unbearable days

We still wait. We still wonder and we still hope that in the end Baby Mama makes the best decision for her child. To know that this child I've been hoping, planning, and praying for since January has been in this world almost 3 days now and I've never even seen her face breaks my heart. And I could go home again to an empty cradle, nursery, and heart. I'm not sure how this could be happening to me, it seems so surreal. It's so painful, so unfathomable to me that someone would be so deceptive when I've offered everything I know how to make this transition easier.

If she had said, I need to keep her for a couple of days, then I would've gladly done that, as I know more than a lot of other adoptive mothers know how much pain it causes. My grandmother was adopted on my dad's side, one of my aunts gave up a baby for adoption, I have multiple adopted friends, and friends who have adopted. My nature is to put others first and I can't imagine that after all of this she wouldn't see that and would think it necessary to go off and have the baby in secret and leave me completely in the dark.

I'm crushed...

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Terrible day

We now know that our birthmother went in yesterday to a different hospital and had the baby with a different doctor, while telling us that they had postponed the induction until Friday.

We aren't sure where we stand or what will happen from here. I know I'm a basketcase and she knows that I know this has all happened, but I can't communicate with her at all.

Please just continue to pray for us and for them, as this is a horrific situation that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I don't know what else to say at this point. I will try to update later.