Foxy Troxies

Running in my new life...

2012-02-10T17:58:00.001-08:00

***warning child mentioned***

Running has been an outlet for me for a while now and even on the days I hate it, I still love it!!!! The process and logistics have changed, so after chatting with a runner friend of mine, we decided to start a blog about what we love... Our babies and running!

If you'd like to read and follow along, or know someone who would check it out here...

Www.domommieswearrunningshoes.blogspot.com

We're not celebrities who have a fabulous personal trainer and zillions of dollars to make everything work for them. We are just regular mommies who love to run and find ways to make our passion priority!

Running, back to it

2012-02-04T20:16:00.000-08:00

When I lost Layla in September of '08 I was broken. My body was broken and it had failed me in a way that I never thought possible. I wanted to punish it, but I also wanted to make it "work". I had started running earlier that year, only 5Ks with my sister and Julie, and while I was happily pregnant they trained for a 10K. I sat it out being careful (or enjoying my excuse to lay around a bit). That didn't pay off. After they did the 10K and I sat on the couch and cried all day, they informed me that they were going to run a half marathon in February. "I'm in", was my response.

Let me preface all of this with the fact that I am no athlete and I mean that in the most severe way. I have NEVER played a team sport, you heard me, never ever! I do not like to sweat and I'm actually not competitive unless it involves the mind, where I am super competitive. ***My sister got into gifted and talented in elementary school, I had my mom get me tested TWICE because I believed I was also GT, apparently I was wrong. However, I did make a higher ACT score and have never let her forget it!***

So, for me to announce that while they had been training for a couple of months I would just jump on their bandwagon and run too was almost ludicrous! Still, I did it. I was way slower than them and way more out of shape, but in February of 2009 I ran my first half marathon. That year I ran 4 total and the next year I ran two. My time actually never got better, but I kept going anyway.

Today a sweet runner friend of mine messaged me about running and how her mind goes all kinds of places and how she wants to journal that. I think she should, but obviously, I think she should blog. She is adorable and tiny and fast! Her husband is super fast and coaches her. She has been extraordinarily encouraging to me since getting back to running and in discussing this today I remembered why I started running in the first place and why I'm back out there pounding the pavement. Today I ran 10 miles. I did it in a record time for myself, like almost 2 mins off my average mile time. It was liberating. I felt free. I felt unburdened and I felt like I had accomplished something.

Running for me is an open space to let my mind wander, to let me challenge myself. To tell myself "I CAN" when everything in me is screaming "YOU CAN'T". I can. I am. And I continue to run. When I start my head is always full and scrambling everywhere. When I am finished there are not always solutions to issues, but everything feels lighter (except maybe my legs, which sometimes feel like lead).

I say all of this to say, if you think you can't run--you can. If you think you have to be athletic or have experience, you don't. If you want to run, just start! I had a sweet friend in a bible study once say she did it like this, "one driveway at a time". She'd run to one driveway then try to run to the next and driveways became blocks, blocks became meters, meters became miles.

My friend and I discussed today that we often tear up when running, we think of why we run, or something we've overcome and emotion just comes out. When I crossed the finish line of my first half marathon I bawled, because I hurt, because I was slow, because I finished something that I never thought I could. Last week I teared up because I hit 8 miles in less time than I had planned and then I finished 9 miles 1 minute and 14 seconds faster than my goal. That's huge for me, for any runner. One day last week I teared up because I was running with a stroller and I started running because my womb was broken and empty.

I love this quote... Don't ask me why I run, ask yourself why you don't. I run to feel free, to feel in control, to know I am doing something good for myself, mind, body, and spirit. Run on!

This is not me, I wish! Thank you google for the image!

I've been quiet here...

2012-01-17T20:18:00.000-08:00

There have been posts that swirl in my head all of the time. Having a baby does not erase the pain of loss, the pain of infertility, or the pain associated with a failed adoption/adoption scam.

Tonight my heart is heavy for someone in the blog world who has experienced what we did with that adoption debacle. Hearing of someone else's heartbreak in a similar situation has me in tears. The feelings associated with what happened to us are long-lasting, they are painful, and they shouldn't be forgotten.

I think that adoption is a beautiful, wonderful blessing and I have many friends who have filled their families this way. I think that it is God-breathed and sacred.

Will I ever attempt it again? I never say never, but the likelihood is slim to none. The pain associated with our experience was quite different from my two miscarriages. The difference being that another human being preyed upon our weakness, our struggles, the deepest pain we've known and used it to her advantage. And all for money, or material goods. I cannot imagine the fake nails and extensions she bought with our money was worth the jail time that she's serving now (not related to our case, but for other criminal acts, ours just forced her to be found). I think about that child being raised without a mother and how that will affect her for years to come. I think about walking past an empty nursery for months and not allowing anyone to even walk in there because it was too painful.

Preying upon infertile families for monetary gain is criminal, and should be punished, these women, the supposed "birthmothers" who pretend they are going to give up their babies so they can get money from a couple desperately hoping for a child is the worst kind of deception. It should be punished, it should be tried and these women should pay for doing something so heinous to another human being. I could go on and on about how vile I think these women who do this are, how reprehensible their behavior, and how they should be treated. I know I should not be judging and I should not want revenge, those things are not of God, but I also know that those things anger Him as well. He doesn't want to see His children suffer and we are called to lift one another up, not tear each other down. The tearing down that occurs after an adoption scam is lasting. It makes trusting anyone nearly impossible, it makes opening your heart to the possibility again unthinkable, and it leaves you empty, hurting, and angry. These are things that shouldn't happen to anyone.

I will continue to voice my opinion about this and continue to do what I can to change the way that adoption laws are set up and how birthmothers can be compensated because I think that this type of crime should be recognized, should be addressed, and should be corrected!

Thoughts at Christmas...

2011-12-12T15:52:00.000-08:00

This time of year always has me thinking about "What If...". This season was different I will admit, but still thoughts of my babies lost bombarded me as I decorated the Christmas tree. I'm very blessed to have family that remembers my babies and chooses to acknowledge them.

Two things happened this year that really made my heart smile and choke up at the same time. The first one was as I was decorating the tree, Foxy (my husband) was staring intently and I defensively asked what he was staring at!! He commented, "Layla and Michael". I had put the ornaments that I had done for them myself. Foxy doesn't speak about the babies much, and I don't expect him to, I know he thinks of them often and is sad about them too. Sometimes the acknowledgement is very fulfilling for me and makes me feel not alone!

Then later as my sister was helping me decorate the tree she said, "Layla and Michael sure do have a lot of ornaments!". Yes, they do! They are special and loved and taught me so much throughout the past 4 years. I appreciate that they are remembered, honored, and spoken of by name.

The next ones are from the annual walk to remember held here in Tyler to honor lost babies at our Children's park! I've actually not been able to make it to one, but got these ornaments last year!

These are from my sweet Kindred Spirit, Andrea, and I cherish her remembering my babies!!!

This season is hard. Remembering the losses is hard. Thinking about having a 2.5 year old this year, or an almost 2 year old is hard, but I don't want to forget. I want to hold them in a cherished place in my heart and family, and I'm glad they have names to use in reference to them! Merry Christmas to my angel babies, Layla and Michael, may you spend it dancing with the angels in heaven and snuggling the one whom we celebrate!

Awesome Opportunity for TNT--Please check it out!

2011-12-03T20:15:00.000-08:00

So, if you've followed me long you know that I like to run. Really, I love to run. It's the only athletic thing I've ever done actually, so finishing multiple half marathons has been a HUGE accomplishment for me.

In April of 2009 I ran the Country Music half marathon (my second) with Team in Training (TNT) to raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma society. I did it because some of my runner friends, who had encouraged me a lot, had just lost a friend to Leukemia after only a month. I thought it was the least I could do. It was AWESOME!!!! If you like to fund-raise, run, and have a great time, you should totally do a race with TNT, the support and encouragement you get is unmatched and the money goes to help people who are affected by blood cancers, for research, monetary help, etc. I personally loath fund-raising and so probably won't ever do that again (never say never). Since then I just like to donate money to TNT for my friends running their races.

Anyhow, here's a cool opportunity to support TNT...

Virtual 5K for TNT

I'm all over this as the money goes to a great cause, it's not too much and gives a sense of unity without anyone having to travel! I encourage anyone who likes to run to participate in this event, just go to the link, read about it and sign up--easy peasy!

Once Infertile...

2011-11-17T20:54:00.001-08:00

Always infertile, yes or no?!?

I think this is different for different people, so feel free to comment your thoughts. Here are mine...

I still consider myself technically infertile and while people who can never get pregnant or carry a baby might disagree with me (and I can see why they would), here's why I say that.

First, the scars of what I've been through (as I cannot speak for my husband) will always remain, not that they hurt, as scars heal. However, they are a constant reminder of the road I've walked, the struggle to the finish line, the hurt along the way.

Second, I don't just get pregnant easily and actually wouldn't want to knowing I have an autoimmune disorder that could cause another miscarriage. These things along with the need for medical intervention to help ensure a healthy pregnancy make me continue to consider myself infertile.

A friend of mine who adopted commented tonight that she was having a hard day of struggling with being infertile in a fertile world. Some people believe that however you come to have a child is all that matters, and ultimately it is! I don't know a person who has adopted who would take that back just to "birth" their own child. Still, it is a loss and people should be able to mourn it as they need to.

It does make me sad that I'll never just "get knocked up" the old-fashioned way. I know it is hard for lots of people, not an all consuming, occupy your thoughts 24/7 kind of sadness, but one of those that can sneak up on you in the middle of a latte and take your breath away.

So if someone who can't just baby dance and have a baby needs a minute to hurt about that, give them the space to do so!

Just my thoughts for this Thursday night. :)

Is today Monday???

2011-11-15T17:52:00.001-08:00

It really felt like it! However, a yummy dinner found on Pinterest (from a blog I will be following from now on www.canyoustayfordinner.com), then this laugh from my sister...

"I'm pretty sure that's the definition of hell: Cowboys fans, drive 30 MPH everywhere, and no drive through daiquiris"

Plus some smiles from my favorite little one, a great run, and all is right with the world!!

Happy Tuesday!!!!

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To be candid

2011-10-03T22:31:00.001-07:00

I'm in a very good place in life, but that does not change where I've been. This is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I embrace the recognition that is slowly growing for bereaved mothers, fathers, grandparents, aunt, & uncles who have lived this painful road.

It is also Br.east Cancer awareness month (especially according to the NFL, love them boys in pink)! Also, a special place in my heart as one of my precious, beautiful, courageous, strong pledge sister battled and BEAT breast cancer, she was diagnosed at 29. Don't think youth is on your side, check your boo.bies!!!

This has me in a very contemplative mood tonight. Lately the name Layla is everywhere. Today I found myself staring aimlessly at a yogurt container in the grocery store from a Layla Farms brand. My baby was tiny and didn't become a full "person" by many standards out there, but in my eyes she is and will always be my daughter. There are days I can't help but wonder what she would've been like, what Michael would've been like. Would they look like Cala? Would she be very vocal, him very serious? Would she be a wide-eyed 3.5 yr old? Would he be an adventurous almost 2 year old? I don't know and I never will. I don't cry about it hardly ever anymore, and while I do think things happen for a reason I cannot think my babies' deaths happened "for a reason". That sounds cliché and hollow when in reference to life, life within me. I know good things have come from my losses, as God works good out of all things if you allow Him to. Today I celebrated that as I received a very special gift from a friend who just had her rainbow baby 10 days ago. We knew each other outside of loss, but bonded over it. I celebrate that I am a different person in many good ways because my losses have made me more sensitive, more cautious in words and questions, and more supportive to people in pain.

This month is one of my favorites as it includes football, my anniversary, my sister's anniversary, both my FIL & SIL's birthdays, and the beginning of cooler weather. Still this month always sends me back, helps me focus, remember, and accept the grief that is never fully gone.

If you know someone who has lost a baby...

Don't be afraid to mention it.

Ask questions if you're interested.

Send them an uplifting message.

Keep them in your prayers.

Show support by helping this not be a taboo subject.

We can face it, tackle it, grieve it, and learn from it, just like we do cancer.

Every situation gives us an opportunity to grow. How will you grow??

Sending so much love to my BLM friends! Thank you for walking this road with me, supporting me, and sharing your stories with me. It is a great honor to be entrusted with your heartbreaks and I don't take it lightly!

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Race for the Cure

2011-09-18T13:24:00.001-07:00

This race has always been one I enjoyed doing, but it's been nearer and dearer to my heart since my sweet friend, Maxine, was diagnosed with br.east cancer 3+ years ago at too young of an age!

Luckily, my sign says in Celebration of... Not in Honor of...! Yes, my tough as nails, funny as can be, beautiful friend will be 3 years cancer free soon! Can I get an amen?!?

That is partially made possible by people like my other friend, Julie, who is now the areas only fellowship trained bre.ast cancer surgeon. She and her partner sponsored the kids "fun run" at the Susan G. Komen race yesterday!

Obviously I want no one to need their services, but if you have a br.east issue or concern, you should definitely see them at B.reast Care Specialists of Shreveport. (Periods within a word keep them from coming up in an inappropriate search--just FYI, I recently learned that!)

So proud of Julie!!

And so happy to be out running again with her and my sister...

And to be accompanied by the Real Dr. Mook!

I remember

2011-09-11T15:12:00.001-07:00

10 years ago today I was in grad school in Dallas. I'd been there less than a month and didn't love it. I was on my way to work and when I got there I heard the news. All I wanted was to go home and be with the ones I loved.

I remember feeling a serious sense of evil, like the air was just full of it. I was worried about people I knew who were in NYC, who flew planes, who had military families this would directly impact.

The worst attack on American soil. It was dark, ominous, gut-wrenching, and we should never forget! We should never forget why our men and women are fighting and dying.

Reflecting today brings pride at how our country came together, at the people who jumped to the aid of others, the firemen and policemen and women who ran to the aid of these tragic sites, some who lost their lives for it. Others lives were forever changed by the sights, the smells, the denseness of the air. It makes me grateful for those who serve our country still, friends, friends' husbands, the families I worked with whose children miss their parents for months on end while we remain safe in our beds. The soldiers who come home battled and scarred, and the ones who never come home. These are all true heroes and I'm grateful for their sacrifice.

I remember, I will never forget September 11, 2001!!!

God bless America & may peace reign worldwide!

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Can I get a What What?!!?

2011-09-02T08:46:00.000-07:00

Happy news here in Texas-land. As many of you have read, our move here was much against my will, and I'm still not a Texan, will never be, and will always dream of moving home. However, it's about to get way cooler up in this place! Why, you ask? Well, see these two faces (not the little one)...

They are about to be here PERMANENTLY!! That's right folks! My sister and Brother (in-law, my sister didn't marry our brother, we don't even have one) are moving to the big town of Tyler! They're going to be bunked up here at the Troxclair hizzy for a few months too!

Hallelujah and praise be to God, as I've been praying for this since we parted ways two years ago (she went somewhere much cooler!). I'm so grateful that I will have my sister here with me and that we can start up some routines that we've been missing #1, TV show watching together--yes, we have a list of shows we enjoy watching together because our husbands just don't get it. #2 RUNNING, we're about to hit the half/marathon trails together again (though it will be too soon for the Tyler half this year--catch us next year--maybe?!?!). #3 Cooking, my sister is the bomb digity in the kitchen, and I'm not too shabby, but at least this way we'll be running together to walk the ~~evil~~ deliciousness off! #4 Concerts, sis and I LOVE music, not always the same stuff, but our tastes coincide more and more and we love to go to concerts, so we'll be doing this madness together--stat!! This list could continue to grow, but I'll leave it at that.

I'm so excited and I just can't hide it!!! Come Sept 30th the reuniting of the sisters begins...

Why Blogging?

2011-08-31T15:27:00.001-07:00

This is a three part answer for me.

First, I started blogging at the suggestion of my sweet friends, Nan, Andrea, and Shandrea. I started because I love to write. In high school I journaled obsessively and it was cathartic. One of my favorite classes ever was creative writing during my senior year. So in the pain of losing two babies, I started blogging, getting out those hurts that had been brewing for a while at that point. It provided a sort of therapy that cannot be replicated even in actual therapy. Sometimes you just need to say things with no response.

Secondly, I continued blogging because people "got it"! It was the most comforting feeling in my time of crisis to know that there were actually multiple people who could relate, had felt the same feelings, and wanted to support and encourage me! The degree of this support was something I never could have imagined, and has kept me going more than once!

The final reason I blog is for others. I didn't realize how much my story could help other people. My husband asked me one day in frustration "why do you do that? Why do you put all your life out there for strangers?". It didn't take me long to respond, as I got an email that afternoon from a reader telling me how much she appreciated what I wrote. Yesterday I got a package in the mail from a friend thanking me for sharing my story as it encouraged her to keep going.

So blogging=winning for me!!

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Wordless Wednesday

2011-08-24T08:11:00.001-07:00

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Laugh

2011-08-22T14:25:00.000-07:00

Laughing is my favorite exercise, it doesn't require sweat, or gear, or moving really. Does that still make it exercise? I personally think so as, when you start to cry from laughter you MUST be burning calories, so since I'm a professional--laugh away!!

Here's the link to a hilarious blogpost by a truly hilarious blogger. You can thank me after you quit crying laughing. This one is especially funny to me as I LOVE monkeys and have always wanted a pet monkey--my husband continues to refuse (I'm thinking one may show up here one day--just saying!!).

http://thebloggess.com/2011/07/would-you-like-to-buy-a-monkey/

Happy Monday everyone--it's always better with laughter!! :)

Ultimate Sacrifice

2011-08-10T13:54:00.000-07:00

I have enjoyed telling people for years that I know two Navy Seals. They are bad asses and everyone knows it. They endure training that most of us could never comprehend and they carry out missions that are so serious, so awesome, and so dangerous that they are TOP secret. The two SEALs that I know were two of the funniest people you could ever meet, and genuinely personable, friendly and kind to everyone they met. They were both completely separate people with great characteristics, but both the kind of guys that everyone loved and wanted to be around. I could tell story after story of times they made me laugh until my face hurt, and I'm not even one of their close friends.

When you think of the pride of having one of your own serve our country in such a magnanimous way, you purposefully ignore the danger involved with what they do. You choose to see them in your mind carrying out those missions, whooping and hollering together in celebration afterwards, then keeping it all shady around everyone else. You picture victory all the time, missions accomplished, bad guys killed, and rigorous training for the next hard core mission that they tackle. You picture them tossing a few back on their few breaks between missions and just overall being awesome.

But that refusal to consider how serious, how dangerous, and how real their missions are is really for our own self preservation. It's easier to not acknowledge those things because those things won't actually happen to people you know or care about.

The realization of this war came crashing down on Saturday when both Navy SEALs that I know were killed when their helicopter was shot down out of the sky. All of the lives lost were someone special to people all around this great country. All of these men died doing something that they believe in, something they felt was worth dying for, something that allows me to sit in my recliner, snuggle my baby, watch foodnetwork, and blog at free will. My friends died for my freedom, for all of us to live the privileged lives that we do on a daily basis. They are gone and they aren't coming back. They are HEROs. They are the reason we celebrate Memorial Day and they are to be heralded as some of the bravest, most admirable men I ever knew.

These two were sensational people on a personal level, but professionally they were beyond what I can put into words. It hurts my heart that they are gone, but it hurts me more for their families who I know are grieving in a way that I cannot comprehend. Please pray for their families and friends who will feel the emptiness of their space forever. Pray for all of our servicemen. Whether you support this war or not, they are fighting to protect you and me and those we love every single day. They leave their families for months, sometimes years at a time, they miss birthdays, births, holidays, and milestones all the time, for that we should all be grateful regardless of our political views.

Rob and Jonas, we will all miss you forever, and are so very grateful for your selfless service. God bless you and keep you until we all meet again!

You would think...

2011-07-06T15:35:00.001-07:00

That they had been hard at work all day...

But no, they have just been laying around!!! Such sweet dogs!

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Happy 4th of July!!

2011-07-04T16:07:00.001-07:00

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What a difference a year makes

2011-06-30T17:57:00.000-07:00

Last year on June 30th we were dealing with some very awkward shadiness from our supposed birthmother. She wasn't responding to texts or calls and her mom was making strange texts to me with very odd behavior. What we didn't realize until the next day was that the reason was she was giving birth to the child that we thought for 6 months was to be our child. We had prepared our lives and our hearts for the arrival of a baby after 3.5 years of trying to make our family grow.

To say that the next few days was utter devastation would be a gross understatement, and I've prayed all along that this baby, our Cala would not be born on the same day. Not that I have ill feelings towards that baby, as she was an innocent pawn in a very ugly game, but I didn't want them to share a birthday. That was such an awful time of realizing we had been so violently deceived and taken advantage of; to know that another human being would intentionally hurt our hearts the way that we came to realize was an awful experience. Someone described it as the most reprehensible act a person could do to another person, and I agree. Choosing to parent a child that was not born of your flesh is a gift, and I will always see it as that, and I see the child as a gift to the family that they join, so intentionally taking advantage of such a situation is beyond anything that I can comprehend. I think about that little girl often and hope that her life isn't horrible, though she is living without her mother, which can't be a positive thing. I do hope that she overcomes the obstacles that have been forced upon her and lives a happy life.

But today I'm completely reminded of the utter pain and devastation that we waded through one year ago and am grateful that I have my husband, my sister, and good friends to continue to support me through these trials and that this year is completely different.

I also ask you to send some love over to Michele at My Life After Loss, as they were planning on adopting a child who was born this week and the birthmother changed her mind. My heart breaks for them and sends so much love to them during this gut-wrenching time and the healing time that is ahead of them.

** Sorry this isn't my most eloquent post, this is just emotional for me **

Wordless Wednesday

2011-06-29T19:33:00.001-07:00

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Thankful Thursday

2011-06-23T08:58:00.000-07:00

Just a quick list of things I'm thankful for right now...

1. My sweet husband, I can't say enough good about this beautiful, funny man. I wish I had snapped a pic yesterday of him in his visor, because he looked adorable with those curls poking out everywhere!

2. My animals and finding good veterinarians here in Tyler. Leaving our vet behind in Shreveport was really hard because she is so awesome and is a blessing of a friend, but these vets and their staff do love our pets and that really helps for our fur babies!

3. My sister, there are just things that can't be replaced, and can't be fully put into words, my sister is one of those things. I'm convinced that in Sept of '84 God gave me one of the best gifts ever and that was Rene'. I'm forever grateful!

4. Friends who are there to love and support me and encourage me in life. I've heard it said that if you have more than a couple of true friends you are truly blessed, well consider me well beyond that! I have friends who call me daily and weekly, as if I never moved from Shreveport or live miles away from them wherever, because miles don't affect true friendships and I'm very grateful for all of them!

5. My OB, who is in town for the rest of the summer and laughs at my neurosis without making fun of me. He has a way of shedding light and calming me without being condescending.

6. My pool during this heat!

7. That peace that God gives when you ask for it and truly give up your worries to Him.

Random stuff

2011-06-22T14:11:00.001-07:00

While in the pool the other day I saved the life of a dragon fly baby twice...

He was seriously too cute! At one point I put him on the bill of my hat to dry out, then he fly to safety!

Then while driving around I saw this beauty and couldn't help but snap a photo for everyone's entertainment...

Seriously dude?!?

Then last night I was feeling very bad and Filé snuggled up to make me feel better, she is really a sweet dog!!!

Last Friday, Jessica, my extraordinary hair girl gave me a new do and I'm proud to say I can actually fix it!!! Hooray!

Not so wordless on this Wednesday!

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Husbands and IF or Baby Loss

2011-06-20T14:39:00.000-07:00

So, I have thought about this a lot, and while my husband is no saint, he sure has been great throughout our losses and infertility. I've often wondered how deeply it affects him and know that he lets me know in subtle ways. He has his own fears and phobias and I know that while he doesn't remember exact dates like I do (what man does?) our experiences have touched him deeply. He's certainly not one for mushy gushy stuff and oftentimes if I mention anything he changes the subject or simply responds with an "I don't know what to say". He doesn't get as irate as I do about people saying or doing stupid things, but he gets his own degree of frustrated with people.

Sometimes I think that he never thinks about it like I do, but then he'll make a comment, or have a reaction and I know that it's on his mind sometimes too. Certainly the feelings aren't the same for men, they don't carry the children, and so they don't feel so much of the failure aspect that we as mothers do, but he's expressed his concerns before as to it "having something to do with me". So, again without massive conversations I know he worries too. He worries about all kinds of things, currently it is the lack of middle back seat to put a car seat in (which I'm not nearly so anxious about--funny huh?!!?).

I have to say that I know that infertility and loss reek havoc on a marriage oftentimes, and I know that I am blessed that it didn't tear us apart, but actually strengthened us as a couple. We've learned to talk more, we've learned how to grieve and how to let one another grieve differently, which can be very hard. My husband is my best friend, he's a constant support, he is there for me in all aspects of my life and encourages me in anything that I want to do or don't want to do. I'm very blessed, very very blessed and I know it.

If your marriage has suffered from infertility and loss, please know that I send you so much love and support and prayers to make it through this hard time. I'm certainly not trying to rub it in either that my experience hasn't been detrimental to my marriage, it has been tested for sure, but at this point it is thriving and I pray the same for all couples who endure this trial.

Feel free to leave any thoughts on the subject as I know so many people have so many different experiences and advice if you have any for people going through these things. My advice is to communicate, communicate, communicate, even when you want to crawl in a hole and never come out! It's way harder to communicate than to shut down, but more effective to talk it out, even if that means a screaming session or two, or needing to see a counselor, or seeking guidance from a pastor or trusted friend or family member.

I don't eat seeds...

2011-06-16T14:14:00.000-07:00

My friend, Audrey (she's 3) got me on watermelon this season and I bought one the other day. I cut it open today and I'll just say that trying to slice it all up nice and pretty isn't happening today! My alternative???

Cut in half and use a melon baller as a spoon! Why not?!?! While we're on this subject...I am not a fan of false advertisement, why don't you just shoot me straight? If the melon has small seeds that you can just swallow, just say "eatable seeded watermelon" (also I checked dictionary.com on the word eatable, and it's there and means "of food quality to be eaten") don't lie and said "seedless, because there are in fact seeds in there! And while I know that you can eat them, I still prefer not to and attribute most of that to my Uncle David who told me when I was little that if I swallowed the seeds then watermelon vines would grow out my nose and ears. Again, I know this isn't true, but you know how some things just stick with you?? This is one of those, and I choose to spit out the tiny seeds too!

Happy summer eating! What's your favorite summer treat???

Funnies!!!

2011-06-13T16:02:00.001-07:00

I got funny pics of each dog...

O'Hara is hanging out in the shade under my bench I'm sitting on!

Filé is waiting by the door hoping to follow me inside--no luck sister!

Noble has a treasure she keeps guarding and no, it's not a bone!! It's a broken sprayer for the hose that she carries around like gold!!

She's daring O to touch it!

Sampson and the others have dug holes under these bushes to cool off in...

Nope, not vicious, that's mid-yawn!!

And just chillin'!!!

And Filé rolling around in the grass!!

See how entertaining these dogs are?!? I laugh all the time!

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Pool time

2011-06-13T12:38:00.000-07:00

I'm really reveling in the fact that I get to go out to my own pool and lay around with no children right now. I know that's a blessing and I don't take it for granted...

BUT for some good laughs about being at the pool, around children, and the funny things that happen, you should head over to www.rantsfrommommyland.blogspot.com, because well, that crap is funny!! And who couldn't use a good Monday laugh!

Maybe I can get some funny pics of the dogs today while I'm out there. They are acting like the heat means they should lay in my house, on my bed, perhaps on my pillow ALL DAY! Not so much my furry friends, outside it where your molting fur belongs!

IVF thoughts...

2011-06-11T11:24:00.000-07:00

I've had this post ruminating around in my head for months now, mostly because I keep hearing dumb comments in regards to IVF.

Lots of people seem to think, well, my friend so&so did IVF and they have a baby, why don't you just do that? Here are some things you may not know about IVF, that may make you a little less inclined to suggested it to an infertile person (who I assure you has already considered it in some way, shape, or form, you did NOT bring the thought to their mind!).

1. It costs thousands of dollars, and no not like two of those thousands, try 10 of those thousands and upwards. One friend I have it cost her $30,000. Yes, THIRTY THOUSAND dollars, that is a years salary!!!!!

2. It is HARD on a woman's body. You are basically chemically controlling things that should happen naturally, like turning off their cycle, then revving it back up turbo charged to "get the most eggs" and then slamming it back to a halt again.

3. Needles, do any of you have needle phobia? Try overcoming that to give yourself (or you husbands giving your trembling wife) up to 3 shots per day. I pulled out my paperwork, so I wouldn't under or over estimate the number of shots that are given during a cycle. Mind you, I was on the lowest dose of meds they give (and I'm forever grateful and think women who do the mega doses and do this over and over without having a baby are stronger than any of these women who have a drug free birth). In my low dose cycle I gave (or Foxy gave) me a total of 56 shots, either in my stomach or my hips. I should've been on the progesterone shots for another 2-3 weeks, but they were breaking my hips out so badly that I couldn't sit in a chair or lay on either hip (which is relatively impossible). Since I had to stop those I got some extra suppositories to make sure my levels stayed up, because the meds for IVF stop your production of progesterone which is ABSOLUTELY necessary for pregnancy!

4. Steroids, anyone have to take those for an illness? Yep, and you revel in the fact that for 24 hours you get a LOT done because they make you wired!!! Well, when you take them for 63 days, they make you hungry--ALL THE TIME--hence a 15.5lb weight gain prior to even getting pregnant. They make you retain water and swell, so no clothes fit you. They give you insomnia, for which there is NO medicine that will help. And for those who the IVF doesn't work for that first time, you still look like you might be pregnant and your clothes don't fit, with nothing to show for it, but a few thousand dollars down the drain and another broken heart.

I say all of this to say that women who have done this over and over again are my heros. They know the true cost of being a parent, as none of it is about you. It's not about your pain, your discomfort, your time being taken away, your sleepless nights, your drained bank account, none of that matters for a mommy. These women demonstrate the sacrificial heart of a true mother long before (and if ever) a baby comes into their homes. When you say things like "you'll understand when you have a child" this is one of the MOST insulting things you could tell one of these women. For they've given up their vacation time for doctors appointments, they have to schedule each day around giving their shots at the same time, some days multiple times. I had a friend last week tell me she showed cheek in her husband's work parking lot, because she needed a shot and he wasn't done with work, that's the kind of things that an IVF mom does to have a baby. They test their marriages to the limits, and many do not survive, so a big shout out to those who do and are stronger for it, I can name quite a few couples that I admire for the strains their marriages have survived and the effort and love that is there (what a testament to their children one day!). And while you complain about pregnancy hormones making you crazy, I double dog dare you to take these hormones and have any resemblance to your former self (and I can say that as I've been on both sides, promise you without a doubt the drugs are worse than pregnancy hormones). While you complain about being pregnant in hot summer months, they deal with hot flashes just like menopause without a promise of a cute cuddly one to love at the end! So your face and your back and your chest are broken out while you're pregnant, it is gross and uncomfortable, but you're pregnant and you will (most likely) have a baby at the end, while many women have these effects from the hormones and come home empty handed with a pee stick that has "not pregnant" in bold to taunt them for their efforts. Another friend had a failed IVF and received the bill monthly for the loan they took out to cover their costs, how would you like that? A bill for no baby. (Please don't compare this to your hospital bill you still receive after your baby is born--your baby is there smiling up at you!).

I consider myself one of the MOST blessed people in the world honestly, because I haven't gone through this over and over with poor results and I am certainly not complaining, but I would like others to know how hard it is for an infertile who is trying desperately to have a baby, to hear you complain about an epidural, or the heat, or your bad skin, or your heartburn, or your vomiting, or your constipation. I know the list of ailments goes on and on and on for a pregnant woman, rough stuff that truly makes the fact that pregnancy is categorized as a "Disease" in medical texts all too true! But before you complain, before you regale your list of what you won't do (like be big pregnant in the heat of the summer, or go 40 full weeks in pregnancy), please consider who you are talking to, and maybe take it to someone else!

I continue to pray for all of my infertile sisters out there who continue to walk this path and try with all their might to achieve what comes so easily for so many others! Concurrently, I will continue to help educate people on this rough road, and learn from the things that I have experienced!

I did IVF, I had the best outcome possible, but someone slap me if I ever utter the phrase "Why don't you JUST do IVF??".

Pool time and after

2011-06-10T15:56:00.001-07:00

After a long day of lounging by the pool and watching Noble try to eat bugs out of the air, I decided to make my own...

Heavy on the cheese please! Yummy yummy!!!

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Fur lovin'

2011-06-09T17:29:00.001-07:00

We've had a lazy day here and my girls have been snuggled up with me for most of it.

O'Hara and Noble both like snuggling my Teddy bear!

Sampson doesn't like to get in the bed as much (I think because the girls don't share well), but he loves a good rub...

When he does join he likes to be RIGHT beside me!

And Tasso, he steers clear of the bedroom full of dogs usually!

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Blog friends

2011-06-07T18:49:00.001-07:00

Today I got to meet another blog friend in person! Woo hoo! These meetings never let me down. There is something we as IF or BLM bloggers share that just makes meeting like seeing a long lost friend. Today was no exception!!

I got to meet Amy over at www.mightymartindills.blogspot.com! We have a mutual IRL friend, but it seriously felt like we've just been friends forever!!! I credit Amy with a lot of our IVF success as she so highly recommended Dr. S, who we used and LOVED. A recommendation as rave as hers could not be ignored and I'm happy to say Amy is back at SHER doing IVF again with the same nurse I had (who I'm pretty sure I mentioned I LOVED also)! So praying nothing but awesome things for her.

I'll be forever grateful for her honesty, candor, and support throughout our RE search and beyond! She's a doll, just as cute in person as I imagined which matches that fabulous personality I've come to love since we became "blog friends"!!! So send her some love. Also know her hubby is precious! He just listened to us yap away, added a few funny comments, & laughed at us a lot! It was fun talking infertility, treatment, and DOGS!!! I'm fairly certain she loves her girls as much as we love our brood! Swapping stories was great!!!

Blog friend meeting success!!!

Who's next?!?

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I'm fine, but sometimes Life Isn't fair...

2011-06-06T17:55:00.000-07:00

I hate that some people work really hard to get the things they end up with, whether that be their family, their homes, their vehicles, whatever; while others just seem to get things while they are busy being irresponsible and thoughtless.

So many people have babies so easily, not trying, not deserving, not worthy of such a gift. I know this makes me sound judgmental, and I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but these women who commit adoption fraud, or beat their children, or don't take them to the doctor regularly and continue to procreate without effort just seems wrong to me.

It also seems wrong that people who work hard for their money, who put forth lots of effort to get a good education, to have a good career to provide for their families, and then plan and save and work hard, seem to get the shaft and end up suffering while people who are given everything continue to be given things and getting things that they haven't earned. Sometimes, it seems unreal to me that people who act irresponsible seem to be rewarded for that behavior.

I read today that in one state people will have to pass a drug screen before receiving welfare, I'm not one to talk about political things on my blog, or really at all. BUT people are protesting that saying it's unconstitutional, while most places require you to pass a drug screen to get a job, seems fair to me. I support that motion and hope it goes to all states. Having watched the system be abused outright in my old job, I feel I have some room to talk here.

It also seems unfair that people assume that just because people have money that life has been easy for them, or that they were given something. I know that somewhat counteracts what I said earlier, but I know people who grew up very privileged and haven't allowed that to make them lazy or feel entitled, they worked hard to maybe maintain the status they were raised with. And some of us worked very hard to make the lives of our family better off than ours were growing up (with pushing, prodding, and encouragement from our families, who worked hard to get us there).

I know, I know that life isn't fair. It never has been, never will be, and I believe that hardships produce character. I'm grateful for many of the hard things that I've been through knowing that they have made me the person that I am today, but I will end with this still as I have some people on my heart tonight...

LIFE ISN'T FAIR!!!!

Can a woman get a Mozzerella ala Caprese salad around here?!?!

2011-06-05T15:41:00.000-07:00

Apparently not at any Italian restaurant in this town. Why do I know? Because I've called EVERY SINGLE ONE of them! Why would I do this you ask? Because my husband LOVES Italian food, and I do too, but pasta is very gluten-full and I've yet to find a place that serves gluten free pasta (if you know of any, we probably don't have them here!). Anywho, it's hard to eat gluten free at an Italian restaurant, but I do know that salad is one of my favorites, and what I chose at 75% of my visits to Macaroni Grill (which I LOVE), so it's always safe, however, we don't have that here and so I'm trying to decide what I'll do at this nice dinner with hubby who is very excited about me saying yes to Italian.

I've been gluten-ing myself a lot lately and my stomach is paying the price, so I have to cut back (which means I should quit completely), but it's really hard! I'm planning on having some allergy tests run and a Celiac test done in a couple of months when my annual visit to my internal medicine doctor comes back around, maybe that will turn up some clear answers as to whether or not it's a gluten allergy that I have or just wheat, or something else completely. I am convinced that one of those is the culprit, as being gluten free made my life much happier and my tummy practically in heaven! Lately I've had a serious craving for things of the gluten persuasion though and I've given in, which didn't seem terrible at first, but now it's certainly catching up to me and leaving me feeling pretty yucky!

So, goodbye bread, goodbye cinnamon rolls, donuts, most everything fried (this is good for my waistline, you see!!). I'm about to go back to my boring GF life. Though I must say the dinners I've made the past few nights were GF and YUMMY!!!

Cat Days of Summer?!?

2011-06-05T08:20:00.001-07:00

I usually post about the dogs, they cooperate a little more for photos, but Tasso was being hilarious this am, so it's his moment to shine...

He LOVES to go outside, but we try not to let him because he never returns in a timely manner and I'm terrified of coyotes getting him. One day last week he ran out as I was leaving for work and I'm just not as quick and coordinated right now so I didn't catch him before he hit the azalea bushes! When I got home from work he was sitting out of reach of the dogs (they have a radio fence and he likes to torment them) panting quite like a dog and ran immediately inside! This is a pampered kitty and he was HOT!!! he hasn't tried to jet out again this week! :)

So this am he was jumping at the window where Noble was sitting outside of it attacking her with all his might despite the glass separation!

Then he gave up and sat in the chair next to me, "his" chair as I can find him there often!

A little grooming post dog attack!

He's an awesome cat and bless his heart deals with our dogs constantly. O'Hara loves to jump on his head, which he actually loves and they wrestle constantly! Noble just likes to follow him around and whine and try to get him to play with her! Sampson and Filé really don't give him much thought, which is fine by him!

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What are they thinking???

2011-06-01T19:11:00.001-07:00

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Why Haven't I Written About this Before???

2011-05-26T19:41:00.000-07:00

I saw my counselor today, which is always a good thing and helps me put things in a rational perspective. She is very kind and considerate and remembers things that I've told her (good thing since I'm pretty sure that's in the job description and I think she has notes there in front of her!). Anyhow, towards the end of my session today she asked me if I had read this book...

I had already noticed it on her desk, it's hard to miss with that great bright yellow cover and the adorable kid with a flat top on the front! I told her that in fact I had read the book, and she asked me how it made me feel about my babies that I've lost. Now, for those of you who have not yet read it, GET IT NOW!!! Especially if you are a BLM! I don't want to ruin it or give anything away, but I do believe it will bring you a special kind of peace about your loss. (And now you can stop reading my review if you want nothing ruined)...

I told her that it made me feel confirmed in my feelings about my babies, made me feel good that they are in a place better than anything you or I could imagine. There is nothing that takes away the pain of losing children, but to know that I will see them again one day, which I knew in my heart, (but it was nice for more confirmation) gives me hope and it makes the pain not so heavy, not so permanent! I told her it also made me sad for the woman in the book, who had no confirmation, no closure on her loss, and for the many women who never mention their losses to anyone. The women who never celebrate that they knew life within or grieve completely that it was lost. This seems more true for the older generations of our parents, and our grandparents, who believe that therapy is hokey, medication is for the weak, and that if you just ignore a problem it will go away. Sadly, losing a child doesn't go away and it's amazing the women in nursing homes who will share with you that they lost a baby 58 years ago and never talked about it. It breaks my heart for them, and makes me want to reach out even more to those out there who have lost a child or suffered from infertility, to tell them "You are NOT alone!". I pray that our society continues to reach out, to make taboo topics not so taboo, and to comfort people who are hurting and offer help. I'm always here for anyone who needs to talk about these issues and am grateful each time someone who needs support reaches out, because I know what having support has done for me!

Now, go get this book! It's amazing and an easy quick read that will leave you feeling good and peaceful and hopeful and grateful!

Written by an RE, who obviously "gets it"

2011-05-25T12:43:00.001-07:00

I borrowed this from my friend, Kat's fb page...

Sacrifices...

This is so true. Very touching. Another neat note on the sacrifices Mothers-to-Be make on a daily basis for the children they don't even have yet... Written by a Fertility Dr in Arizona on Mother's Day...

She broke the bread into two fragments, and gave them to the children, who ate with avidity. “She has kept none for herself,” grumbled the sergeant. “Because she is not hungry,” said a soldier. “Because she is a mother,” said the sergeant. – Victor Hugo

The other day I ran into another one of those patients that always makes me smile when I see her. She brought me up to date on what was happening in her life. It was a story of debilitating pain and multiple surgeries to try and relieve the pain. Instead of relief she developed a tumor in the area that required more surgery. In the end she was still in just as much pain and on chronic medications for it. I expressed my heartfelt sympathy for what she has had to go through. She smiled and said she’s fine and that she is almost off of the pain medications because she is planning to come to see me soon to try to have another baby. She was coming off of the medications not because she didn’t have pain, she was coming off of the medication because she wanted to have another baby. I looked into her eyes – and her smile and realized I am a better person for knowing her.

Mother’s day is upon us. It is not that welcome of a holiday for my patients. Gifts passed out at church or given by a well meaning spouse do little to fill the void of yearning that brings them to my office. We hear stories about the great love, sacrifice and courage that mother’s have for their children, but little is said about the incredible love, sacrifice and courage of my “mothers-to-be”.

It takes incredible courage to acknowledge that there is even a problem. We all want to believe that we are in control of our lives and to acknowledge that there is a fertility problem is to internalize a lack of control over this incredibly sensitive part of their lives.

It takes courage to seek medical attention. No one likes to see doctors (I’m over a year late for my colonoscopy), and the trip to the fertility doctor is a particularly difficult journey.

It takes courage to undergo procedures that are not comfortable and are in an area where discomfort is particularly unwanted.

It takes courage to face the possibility of disappointment. Studies have shown that when a woman experiencing infertility has a period, indicating that once again she is not pregnant, she experiences the same degree of grief as if her brother or sister had just died. Most of us will go through that only once or twice in our lifetime. Imagine going through that every month for years. Then imagine going through a specific procedure to get pregnant and having it not work.

It takes courage to hope that it will work the first time and proceed , and even greater courage to experience a failed attempt and then turn around and have the courage to hope again.

These women undergo great sacrifices.

They sacrifice the intimacy of what was supposed to be a wonderful and intensely personal experience with their partner for a doctor’s office.

They sacrifice time on often repetitive visits for monitoring and procedures.

They sacrifice financial resources as they struggle to have something that everyone around them seems to receive without thought and sometimes with disdain.

They sacrifice personal comfort, sometimes thinking that if they experience pain, they will be more worthy of the “gain” they so desperately seek.

Why? Why do they do this? They do this for the same reason the mother gives her bread and goes without. They do it for love. The only difference is that they do it for a deep abiding love for a child that they have not yet held, a voice they have not yet heard, a smile they have not yet seen, and a touch they have not yet felt.

My smiling patient had experienced infertility for 10 months when she came to see me. It was clear that each passing month was difficult. She had endometriosis and her husband had a sperm problem. We unfortunately discovered that her biological clock was more advanced than it should have been. When two months of inseminations failed, she went immediately to IVF. She required high doses of medication to produce 9 eggs but only made 4 embryos. One of them would be her beautiful baby boy.

Sixteen months after delivery, she was back for a brother or sister. She did IVF again. Similar story with a positive pregnancy test but then the pregnancy hormone dropped, leaving her with what is called a “biochemical pregnancy”. The pain from her medical condition had reached a peak and she had to stop infertility treatment to pursue that. She returned two years later after many surgeries and no relief in her pain with the intent to continue but could not. She returns now two years later having experienced a tumor where her pain surgeries had been and having had an additional 7 biochemical pregnancies – and she still wears a smile. She is the epitome of the courage, sacrifice, and love that characterizes mothers in general and the “mothers-to-be” that I have the privilege of associating with every day.

To each of them and to mother’s everywhere, Happy Mother’s day!

Drew V. Moffitt, M.D., FACOG, is the co-medical director of the Arizona Reproductive Medicine Specialists (ARMS), the director of the Division of Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility at Good Samaritan Regional Medical Center and an assistant professor at the University of Arizona. He is now president of ARMS and director of the Division of Reproductive Medicine and infertility for the residency program at Good Samaritan Regional Medical Center. Dr. Moffitt has significant clinical experience in assisted reproductive technologies and reproductive surgery.

Photo Quotes

2011-05-23T13:23:00.001-07:00

So, at the suggestion of a friend I've decided since I LOVE posting pics of my fur babies, to start a "make a quote to go with this pic" blogpost once a week!!!

So, I'll post a pic of the dogs (and cat if he ever cooperates) and y'all tell me what they are thinking or saying! I am considering prizes for very funny ones!

We shall start with this one...

Post away!!! (This is Noble, our 6 yr old female shepherd laying on my pillow).

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The saga of File'

2011-05-20T13:47:00.000-07:00

So, about 3 months ago we adopted sweet File'. I really do love this dog, though she's a little neurotic, and by this I mean, we've had to put her on doggy prozac because she has extreme separation anxiety. Let's be real, she just has extreme anxiety ALL THE TIME. It's hard to blame her as she was just dumped somewhere and left to die basically, which may be dramatic, but seriously, the dog had heart worms and was just dropped off.

It seems as though every day there is something new going on with this sweet chocolate lab. Lately her fur has been looking kinda weird, just splotchy and uneven, and a different color than her coat! So, I called the vet and they wanted her to come in for a check-up post heart worm treatment, wanted to check and make sure her heart is okay. She has gained some weight, which is good because she was skin and bones when we got her and we've been trying to fatten her up some! Doctor says that her fur abnormality is nothing to worry about, that oftentimes when an animal has a bad illness their hair will come back in differently. It should even out in the next 3-4 months.

However, the saga with this sweet animal continues... I mentioned that is seems like her back haunches are thin and weak and when she climbs up into the car she has a hard time getting her back end up in their, and when she jumps off the bed her back legs slide out from under her a lot. So, Dr. L decided to do an x-ray. When he called me to come back and see the x-ray I was pretty sure that something wasn't completely right. He explained very well what the problem was, and the diagnosis is...bilateral hip dysplasia. This made me want to cry immediately, but I saved it until I got in the car and called Foxy. I told him about the diagnosis and proceeded to cry. We have deduced that the previous owners probably found out that our little chocolate bar had the heart worms and dysplasia and probably just didn't want to deal with it, so they dumped her. While we're not foreseeing any great hunting out of her like we had anticipated, we are certain that we can love her a lot and make her much more comfortable than those awful people ever did.

So, she's on some anti-inflammatory medicine for a few days, then as needed, and also on some glucosamine to help lubricate her joints better (the dogs' food already contains that, but she needs more). Bless her heart the doctor also said she needs to trim down--so all our hard work down the drain. He says the thinner she is the better, so she's on a special diet for a while, poor girl sore joints and a diet, who likes a diet?? Not me! Lucky for File' Gumbo, the doctor also prescribed swimming, so out to the lake the chocolate bar goes, which she LOVES!! Says that's the best exercise to be easy on her joints!

Who knew we'd have such high maintenance animals?!?! So, all these silly dogs will continue to be spoiled and not worked! This also makes Foxy think we need a new lab puppy "for hunting" next year--we shall see! I'm thinking four dogs, a cat, and a baby may have us busy enough!!!

On a completely different note, I purchased some Almond Joy pieces today, this is yummy goodness that you should try, and the best part??? Foxy doesn't like coconut, so they'll be around a little longer :)

Happy Friday everyone!!!

Some things that don't change...

2011-05-19T15:36:00.001-07:00

As a BLM I'm learning that some things don't change, even though I thought they would.

It still infuriates me to see pregnant women smoking. I found this past weekend it also makes me twitch when they go on and on and on about quitting smoking when they found out about their unplanned pregnancy and how proud they are of themselves.

Seeing pregnant people still gives me a slight tug at my heart, like I'll never forget that longing and pain I had for so long! Then I think about people who see me and feel the same way, and wish I knew who they were so I could lend a word of comfort!

Using ART, I don't know that I'll ever not kinda wish it could have just happened "the old-fashioned" way and I have friends who I know mourn that loss more than I do even.

I'll never enjoy hearing someone suggest "why don't you just try...". Oh, amazing I had not thought of that and it sounds as easy as picking up a pizza for dinner!

My heart will never not break for those on this terrible road and I'll never not rejoice just a tiny bit more for those who finally reach success who have struggled so hard for what comes so easy to most!

And the last one is maybe the hardest...Baby Showers will never be the same for me. This past weekend my mom and my friend, Keiah, honored my babies, Layla and Michael, while also honoring sweet Cala, and that meant the world to me. Something about showers leaves so many BLMs sad (for showers they never had, for planned showers that didn't happen, for showers that were not followed by a baby coming home) or anxious (am I jinxing this pregnancy?, will this baby actually come home with me? Has everyone forgotten my lost babies but me?). It's such a rare catch 22 of complete elation and complete sadness/anxiety. I've been blessed to have so many people loving and supporting me through this journey and celebrating with me and I'm so grateful for those who have kept positive throughout and helped me to do the same!

But being a BLM some things will always be different.

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Wordless Wednesday

2011-05-18T15:33:00.001-07:00

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Wordless Wesnesday

2011-05-11T13:43:00.000-07:00

What do you think they're talking about???

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RE Question

2011-05-09T16:09:00.000-07:00

Hello to all my bloggie friends!

I have a question. There is a blogger out there looking for a good RE in the San Antonio area. Can anyone help with suggestions? Info on good and bad experiences welcomed so that I can share! Thanks in advance for helping out another person seeking good care!

Mothers Day

2011-05-08T12:08:00.001-07:00

This is a day that stings for so many people, those who've lost children (either in utero or afterwards), and those who are wishing, hoping, praying, taking drugs, poking themselves with needles, enduring countless exams, taking horrible hormones, and crying tears of disappointment constantly to become mothers! This day can be so painful as those around us are constantly honored and congratulated for something that we have NOT chosen to miss out on! This is a disease or disorder that we have no more choice about than anyone else who suffers a disease does.

I just want to send love to all the babylost mommies and infertiles who endure this holiday with tears and hurt! Sending you lots of hugs today!

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Vaca pics (baby names)

2011-05-03T18:36:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned before, in March Foxy and I went to Amelia Island for a short vacation (i.e. Foxy had continuing ed!). Here are some of the pics, mostly names in the sand that I got while there (along with a killer sunburn)...

We really liked the birdies!!!!

For Britt...

For Shandrea...

For Andrea...

For Nan...

For Angie...

For Angie, Nan, Shandrea, and Andrea--thank you all for so much!!!

Toes in the sand...

These were everywhere, love me some quadrefoils...

It was a great trip and I'm so glad that we did it! I enjoyed the names in the sand for my girls! Sending love to all of those angel babies that brought us together. I wouldn't be where I am now without the love and support of all you wonderful ladies!

Rainbows rainbows everywhere!!!!

2011-04-27T21:21:00.001-07:00

I love a happy post and this one is definitely that!!! This week welcomed THREE new rainbow babies that I am so excited about!!!

First, Andrea's bunny (www.persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com) was born on Monday, a sweet healthy baby... Nope not gonna ruin it, but she did pick one of my favorite names!!! All is well there despite some nasty weather around her area! They go home tomorrow (and yes!!! It's killing me not to tell!!).

Second was Mr. Spencer, Marie's rainbow! Please go see him in all of his cuteness over at www.myexpectedend.blogspot.com! Her quote at the top of her post is now one of my favorites!!! Marie has an amazing story and is great inspiration for anyone dealing with incompetent cervix!!

Thirdly, Mr. Isaac was born this weekend, but his sweet name and face were FINALLY revealed today!! Send them some love at www.callmemama.wordpress.com, as she now has a doll to call her mama!! This has been a miraculous road for their family & I've just been in awe of how God has handled every detail (not without some rough snags these last few days), and want you to go give them some love!!! Her story is amazing as well, as she's battled infertility and walked this adoption road (plus she's got Louisiana roots, so I love her!!)!

I've cried about 30 times today, tears of joy and just awe of all that has happened (I also cried watching The Voice, probably because that's my not so secret dream!!).

Infertility and loss are HARD and Everyone's story is a little different, so I hope for those of you who are searching for inspiration these three great stories will help you! I pray that these bits of awesome news haven't hurt anyone, as I know the sting of happy announcements while you painfully wait!!

Love to the new rainbows and their families!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

In honor of NIAW

2011-04-26T09:28:00.000-07:00

That is National Infertility Awareness Week.

I have had some of these thoughts swirling around in my head for a while and thought, "what better time to post than now?"

A blog I follow had a wonderful post today and I wanted to send you there to read that as she is currently battling infertility and had a quite enlightened post so visit cgd here and read her post on IF myth (April 25th post).

She really nails a lot of the details of facts surrounding IVF. She's somewhat of an expert at this point and drives home in an eloquent way, that IVF is in fact, not for everyone.

Here are some things that I feel about infertility:

1. It is immensely lonely, that is why people who "meet" on the internet through IF circumstances feel instantly bonded, because so many people do NOT understand.
2. People try so hard to say the right things and mostly end up hurting us worse.
3. Just because something worked for your mom/sister/cousin/co-worker doesn't mean it will work for me, and I promise, you don't suddenly have a new idea that hasn't already been tried or crossed an IFers mind, so please refrain.
4. Please don't ever use the phrase, "Why don't you just fill in the blank (adopt, relax, use a surrogate, do IVF)". Just implies that we haven't tried hard enough, cared enough, put in enough effort, etc. It is insulting.
5. Don't compare what we're going through to something you went through that is unrelated or even related, but not the same. (I read tons of blogs, and try to NEVER say, well when I had/did/etc. because it's painful and pointed, as if again we haven't done enough).
6. If you haven't experienced infertility or loss, please don't give suggestions or advice, as we don't give them about things we have no experience with.

When we set out to adopt, we never dreamed that we would be swindled out of thousands of dollars and left heartbroken, deceived, and empty armed, that was not the experience anyone else had told us about. When my friend's mom adopted 27 years ago, she never dreamed she's be dealing with her son's birth mother grieving his death as well, and feel obliged to comfort her through her own grief. I know lots of beautiful adoption stories! One of my pledge sisters is adopted (actually two) and they have had nothing but positive experiences, they are beautiful, happy, well-rounded individuals, who know that was God's plan for their lives. My sweet friend, Amanda, adopted one of the cutest kids you'll ever see and so far it's been a fairytale (since paperwork was finished etc, up until then--nightmare). Adoption is not an easy road. I have a friend adopting right now, and the baby was born on Friday and she didn't find out until today--do you have any clue what that does to a mother? (And please don't say she doesn't even know that baby yet, she's been preparing for months!). Adoption is beautiful and wonderful and a blessing and it is absolutely the plan God has for some people, but it is NOT for everyone, so suggesting that to anyone who is struggling to have a baby is actually rude.

On another note, suggesting surrogacy is also not ok, yes, we've thought about it! Yes, it worked for SJP and Nicole Kidman (did you see how the press attacked her?!!?). Have any of you been watching Brothers and Sisters and seen what's going on there with the surrogate--and please don't tell me that's just tv, where do you think they got the idea? That happened to someone--seriously, and while it may turn out all fine and blah blah blah, you have no idea how that being taken advantage of can damage your trust of humans, how it can rip your heart out. I also ask if any of you knows the costs of surrogacy??? It starts--STARTS at $60K. What?!?! Very few people have that kind of disposable cash (hence the SJP's and NK's doing it, not your cousin or BFF). Then there are so many other things to think about. Can you use your eggs, his sperm, a donor, a friend, how will you tell your child/children when they get older? None of these things cross your mind usually until the deed is done and then you have to worry about it later!

IVF--been there, done that and can tell you, that's no picnic either. The drugs alone are $$$ and they hurt, and I'm no wuss with needles. The stress of giving yourself shots daily at the right time can also send you into a tail spin of fear and panic, seriously, I was a nervous wreck the whole time, not to mention the time I actually left my meds at home when I went out of town--WRECK--as my hubby!!! There is so much stress, so much pressure on you and your husband to do things right, to not forget anything, and for it to WORK. It strains any relationship, and there is nothing romantic about having a catheter inserted in your privates to 'place' your embryos there. Not to mention the things the hormones do to your body (and I wasn't on a high dosage), but they make you crazy! And if you looked at the above mentioned article you know that success rates aren't always in some one's favor. Believe me we thank God daily that we were in the 'lucky' group, honestly, I've read so many things of people who were not that that will scare the begeezus out of you too! I've also known of plenty of people to get pregnant and not take home a baby, so it's not a cure all. This doesn't even scratch the surface of all the available fertility treatments or the questions and issues that arise from each one, ethical, moral, and monetary concerns that come up, but that would be a much longer post! :)

What about Foster Parenting? I believe people who do that are Saints in most cases (I've heard of abuse and the like, but in general, they are amazing!). I've worked with children in foster care doing speech therapy, and the things they endure with these children is mind boggling. And just take this one scenario, you have a wonderful child come live with you, you nurture them, get them on a good track, they are healing emotionally, and you are in love---Then, they are returned to the home that made them hurt in the first place. No thank you for me, I'm not saying it's not a good thing, again I think people who do this are Saints, I'm entirely too selfish. Check out the post on www.rantsfrommommyland.com titled Domestic Enemies of Foster Parents.

Some other things that are good to know... It doesn't help when you say things like "Well, at least you can still go on trips when you want to", "Be glad you get to sleep 8 hours every night", "I'd kill for a completely quiet house", "You can have one of my kids" (seriously, would you give us one? Because we'll honestly take one off of your hands if they put you out that much!), "At least you still have your body". These things are shallow and void. Most of us would give anything to carry a baby, or adopt a baby (without complications), or whatever it took. We are actually jealous that you are having sleepless nights, feeling like crap while pregnant, or missing a tropical vacation to have a child look at you and tell you they love you! There is no amount of discomfort we wouldn't endure to have a child depend on us, look at us adoringly, or run screaming through target from us!

So, to end this long rant of my own, please don't brush off infertility with a comment that can hurt someone. It is emotionally damaging, it is isolating, and it is one of the hardest things a marriage can endure (if it does endure that is). Sometimes people just need to talk about how they feel, what they miss, and how they wish things were different. Give them that opportunity, or point them my way--I'm always open for a good chat! :)

I'm an adult!!!!

2011-04-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know that technically I have been for a long time, but there are certain things that happen in your life that make you know that you are an adult. For instance, when Foxy delightedly told me that the government was giving us back some money this year (I'm afraid that yes, dear, hell has frozen over), though nothing compared to what we've had to pay in years past, my first response was NOT--let's go on vacation!!! Or let's buy...! I actually caught myself saying the following phrase in a very giddy tone, with much jubilation..."Let's pay off the Tahoe". Holy beans--I've cracked and seriously I'm still completely pumped about it!! So, that was done today after a long conversation on the phone with the courteous customer sales rep, who only insulted my intelligence once (apparently on said site you must do every process at least 3 times before it works, no reason, as you did it correct the first 12 times!!). He was actually very helpful and who gives a damn because I never have to talk to him or anyone at his place of business again because Hallelujah the Tahoe is PIF!!! What's up now?!?!

What's up is that the back door of the Tahoe (you know the main reason for having that SUV to transport all your crap) will NOT open! It's not a fuse, so after a shower I'll be taking it in to see what the slip slap is going on with Ladybug (yep, that's her name!). And hoping that she'll get a nice bath at the same time, but not holding breath that this will be resolved today, banking on having to order a pricey part and install it later! Just praying it's before another traveling weekend this weekend, putting things in and out the side doors only is not that fun or easy!

No, that's not my actual vehicle, though it's the same, Ladybug is far too shy for photos (shy is code for dirty!).

Me, an adult, who would've ever thought it!?!? Not my hubby, who I think teared up at my new-found maturity! :)

Better late than never...

2011-04-23T16:04:00.001-07:00

Just some pics from my birthday which was a few weeks ago...

Cookbook from Julie

Earrings from Foxy

Strawberry cake by mommy!

Mom & Dad also got me some more of my Vera Bradley! Hooray!

Dinner at Cub with Parents, Shawn, & Foxy

I got a much needed (as I try to wear them often since I'm in TX) LSU shirt from Shawn, no pic yet :)

Flowers from Regan

Eye mask made by sister.

Renè also made me poolside pillows, a rice bag you heat/cool for aches/pains/restless babies, & a king cake!

Britt gave me this willow tree girl holding Calla Lilies...

And this, sooooo true!!!!

I'd say 32 is looking pretty positive!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

We have a graduate!!!

2011-04-22T16:58:00.001-07:00

O'Hara Belle graduated from puppy school today! While she wasn't on her A game she did accomplish all of the required tasks! Madam Trainer says she thinks poots will be very good in the trick class, so we may be signing her up for that class soon if mommy can make it for those!!

My little silly face when class was over...

Happy Friday!!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Blog Friends

2011-04-18T15:33:00.000-07:00

This weekend I had the opportunity to meet another blog friend. Jennifer @ Thoughts from a Blonde and I have been bloggie friends for a while now. I was so excited that she brought home her gorgeous baby girl, Ellie, in January after battling infertility and waiting through the adoption process.

We met at PF Chang's (a mutual favorite) and had a long lunch and good chats, then we did a little shopping and a LOT of chatting! It's always awesome to visit with a fellow infertility sufferer and to compare notes, mostly on things that people tell us. Jennifer shared that she was given the opportunity to talk to the women's group at her church and share her experiences with all ages represented. One of her biggest gems of advice (which I completely agree with) was that asking someone when they are going to have children is not ok, not ever. We know it's just a way of starting conversation, but you never know when you are crushing someone who is currently battling infertility or loss, or if you're causing someone to be defensive because they don't want children. It's hard enough to battle that without having to constantly answer that question, to which my favorite response is "It's not for lack of trying". People who choose not to have children should be respected for their choices, not condemned. It made me so proud of Jennifer for being so strong and sharing things that we all really want to share! Thank you sweet friend for using your experience for good!

On that same note, when someone adopts, telling them that now they'll get pregnant is also inappropriate. I know some of you may be thinking that we tried to adopt and now I'm pregnant, and the truth is we felt forced that way due to our adoption scam and had to seek further invasive, expensive fertility treatments. So, yes, we are having a baby and we couldn't be more happy, but this baby does not replace my lost babies or the one we prepared for last summer. Though it does happen, it is not the "norm" to just "get pregnant" after adoption. The true statistics are that "most" people do NOT. This could inadvertently offend someone who sought embryo adoption or who chooses to be much more private about their fertility treatments. So, try to avoid that stereotypical "oh now you'll get pregnant" comment.

Anyhow, we had so much fun and her little Ellie is a bundle of absolutely adorable cuteness!!! I loved her chubby cheeks, giving smooches, and making funny faces! She is a miracle and they are precious!

Her little bonnet was keeping the sun out of her eyes!

That smile is intoxicating!!!

Meeting bloggie friends is just too much fun (especially when they are this cute!!).

If...

2011-04-15T18:47:00.001-07:00

If you had lived today would've been your due date 2 years ago. We would be planning a 2nd birthday party. You would probably finally be getting some real hair--maybe even have pigtails!

Instead, sending you love to heaven my sweet first daughter, Layla Marie! Mommy misses you still!

Deni

Our own oasis

2011-04-14T10:23:00.001-07:00

So I can't say that I love gardening like my mom does, weeding beds and stuff isn't that fun, but I do like to plant things and watch them grow! Our backyard is like a little slice of heaven, complete with a bed I devoted solely to my babies in Heaven. Here's some photos...

I forget the name of this but I love it's fuzzy appearance. I planted this and Calla lilies in pots alternating at each post along our back porch.

You can see them lined up here and sweet Sampson by the window!

The pool adds to our oasis and the dogs like to drink out of it (if anyone knows how to stop them I'm all ears).

Here you can see the table and some of the bird feeders hanging from hooks & some potted plants.

Hanging off the back porch are some feeders and this house--yep full of baby birds! I tried to catch momma feeding them, but she's fast!

How about these perfectly colored beauties as my table centerpiece!! Geaux Tigers!!!

I'd like to take credit for these but mom did all that, aren't they fab?!?

And she gave me this stunning bromeliad for my birthday and I potted the shamrocks and Hibiscus in the smaller pots!

In these gorgeous pots around the pool at the base of the lights (left by the sweet previous owners) I decided to put Jasmine, it flowers, smells divine and comes back every year!

And last but certainly not least is the babies flowerbed! The climbing rose is blooming so pretty and there are Calla lilies coming back from last year, the statues are for my sweet Layla and Michael. I'll be adding some purple flowers (Petunias most likely) for Layla in the next couple of weeks!!!

So I sat by the pool to rest and look and Filé accompanied me...

Also for my bday my sister made me some fab gifts, two being pool pillows to use on my lounge chairs...

Sensational idea Né!! (Too bad it's way cloudy and I had to go inside after about 20 mins b/c it was windy too and I was cold--boo hiss! Maybe I'll have better luck this weekend!)

Deni

INTERESTING...

2011-04-13T09:04:00.000-07:00

*** If you dvr House and haven't seen Monday's episode, don't read this, come back afterwards b/c it's pertinent to my BLM friends ***

So, House this Monday was watched last night in my house. I LOVE this show!! I spend the first 15-20 minutes pestering Foxy..."Do you know what it is???", "What does that mean", "That could NOT happen", "Have you figured it out yet??". It drives him crazy, but I think he thinks it's funny too mainly because I know he's smart enough to figure out lots of the things and that fascinates me!

Well, this week was one of the best episodes lately, for many reasons, the first being it was very twisty turny, which I LOVE! The second reason is because it delves into the topic of MISCARRIAGE, the oh so taboo topic, that people love to avoid. I don't want to ruin the whole episode, but you totally think that it is going one direction, and then BAM! It goes somewhere completely different! Basically there is a woman on this one who has had THREE miscarriages and basically loses her mind. I cried, and I felt her pain like I just can't describe, you could see the pain in her eyes and feel just how broken her heart is. She doesn't just 'snap' and lose it completely in an instant, but it is a gradual thing that her husband describes and it's intriguing. While I don't know anyone who has responded in exactly the way that this character did, it was such a true depiction of how deeply loss affects your heart, how irrational it makes you feel, and how you can just spiral out of control without good support.

I enjoyed it so very much and wish it weren't just a one episode topic, but alas, that will probably be where they leave it and I encourage everyone to watch it. If you're not a regular House fanatic (like myself) then you may be a little thrown by some of the storyline, but it really all has been building for a while. I also loved that the doctor, Masters, as she's referred to spends so much time trying to delve deeper into what is truly going on with this woman rather than just blowing her off as crazy! We need more doctors like that, more who are exceedingly compassionate, more who look beyond the surface info that we are willing to tell and try to find those things we're actually working to hide!!

Bravo House for tackling a hard topic in a way that I appreciated!

It helps...

2011-04-12T12:02:00.000-07:00

When someone remembers our babies. Very few people mention them by name or refer to them at all, and I guess that's to be expected, but for me it's sad. It's sad that their lives seem to matter so little to everyone else. Oftentimes I feel like even Foxy has forgotten (I know he hasn't really, but he never mentions it either). The fact of the matter is I've felt like mother for almost 3 years now, since that first stick had a sweet "pregnant" on it. I still know that this Friday was Layla's due date and that we should be having a sweet 2nd birthday party for her, and I see little girls that age and sometimes my heart cringes just a little. I know I'm not the only one, and it took me a few days to even recognize why I was feeling sad, but now I know. April 15th is forever tax day to the whole world, but to me it's always Layla's would be birthday (and yes I'm well aware that most babies aren't born on their due dates, but it's all I've got).

So, Friday I may or may not blog about that first pregnancy and how it changed my life, but today I wanted to mention it, and I wanted to say thank you to my sweet Nan for sending me a great picture text this am of her triplet girls' tree blooming and sending love to our angel babies!

Sending love to all of your sweet babies in heaven!

Lent=No Facebook

2011-04-11T13:16:00.000-07:00

So, I'm not Catholic, but it's not just Catholics who give up things for Lent. My family has always done this as an act of repentance during Lent. We do not take off Sundays and try to hold one another accountable. This year, I wasn't ready to give up any food, as I just don't know what will sound good or not, and I didn't want to 'say' I gave up something that was inevitable with pregnancy, like alcohol, or for me Mexican food!

My decision was to give up facebook, and you wouldn't believe how many times I've wanted to contact someone with some information and haven't been able to. My dependency on fb for communication is overwhelming. With so many people in my life, that is my mode of communication, which isn't necessarily bad, but this has been an interesting Lent! I've tried to use those moments as a reminder for this season and thank God for all He has done for me, sometimes I've done well, others I've fallen short.

All that to say that while I know this blog uploads to fb whenever I post, I am not on fb, I'm not reading it and I get minimal things to my email from there. So, if you have messaged me or something and need/want to get in touch with me, you can email me, or wait until the 24th of April when I will resume my activity via the social network! My email should be listed on this blog, but it's pretty simple deni.troxclair@gmail.com.

Hoping we all focus during this Lent on the sacrifice that Jesus made for us and remember the true meaning of Easter that is about His rising from the dead, and not the fluffy bunny (though I love an easter basket and candy :)).

Sunday loving...

2011-04-10T19:07:00.001-07:00

Today I'm loving...

1. New sheets, they're lavender and glorious!!

2. Newly potted plants, including some Calla Lilies...

3. That my birdhouse hanging out my backdoor has tiny baby birds in it, who were crying up a storm today...

4. That I accomplished so much today, house cleaning, organizing, pool cleaning, plant potting, and some shopping!!

5. Spending some time with my hubby, including a yummy dinner at Texas Roadhouse!

Happy Sunday!!!

Deni

Sisters

2011-04-08T19:31:00.001-07:00

Who out there has a sister they love more than life?!? I do! I do!!

So I'm looking through Foxy's phone photos tonight and found some fab ones from a trip to NOLA...

It said performance pavillion, so we performed!!! So fun with my seester!!

Then there is this one from Né's wedding...

And here is one of my all time favorites...

Again fun with my sissy!!!

I hope to have sister children one day to watch them interact, it's the best!

Deni

Please send love

2011-04-08T14:46:00.000-07:00

Some of you may remember a few months ago when I posted about baby Baker who was born premature. Please go visit their page and send them love. Baker went to heaven last night and my heart is broken for them. Their faith and dependence on God is such a testament to His power, but I know the road ahead of them will be long and painful and they will need all the support and love they can get!

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/bakertroxler

The Cub Restaurant

2011-04-06T19:48:00.001-07:00

Yes, I'm making Foxy drive me all the way to Shreveport for my birthday dinner tomorrow, just to eat and come back. Yes, we could go west and eat at a million great spots in Dallas, but I've never had a steak I loved more!!! So, Cub, here we come and I'll be indulging in a nice pretty file and out of this world au gratin potatoes!! My mouth is already watering thinking about it & I plan to enjoy each and every bite!!!

If you're in Shreveport and want a great steak, this is the place to go. Do not be fooled by it's commonplace appearance for it is what is on the inside, not the outside that counts (anyone get the reference??). Expect great taste, not low fat and don't even dream of asking for steak sauce, you won't need anything!! This is one of the little known treasures in the city that I love, stop by and see for yourself!!!

Deni

Great Blog

2011-04-04T20:01:00.000-07:00

So, my sweet friend Maxine just sent me this new blog, I've only read the first post and I'm already in love! Go by and check this out!

While you're at it, you can lift a prayer up for Maxine, she beat breast cancer's butt last year and now she's expecting her second baby! I sweet little boy named Luke. She's one of my real life heros and proof that God is up there and taking good care of us! No one knew if she would be able to have children after all of her cancer treatments, and it was an ongoing prayer for all of us who love her--Thank you God for that answer!

Things I like...(ACM version)

2011-04-04T11:58:00.001-07:00

I don't care what the ACMs say, I LOVE Zac Brown Band & think they should've won tons of awards! Their performance with James Taylor (what?!?--how cool) was by far the best of the night!

I also triple poofy heart Keith Urban and am tired of him getting passed over! His voice is flawless, his lyrics sincere, and his gratitude for his wife inspiring (I love Nicole too!!)!

Miranda Lambert is adorable and I love her and how real she is and am glad for the recognition she's receiving. I wish her and Blake years of love and happiness that endures the fame scene!

I also love my dogs, who make me laugh every single day! This is the newest pic of Filé in her special way...

Though I could have offed her on Saturday night for barking/whining all night long!! She was an angel last night even with serious storms outside!

I'm sad to say I have no newer pics of my other three, they don't sleep quite so crazy!!!

Deni

new feature...and a vent

2011-04-03T13:00:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to point out that on both of my blogs you can now sign up to have new posts sent to your email. I know everyone does not want this feature, but if you're not a huge blogger and would like my updates, just sign up on the right. You can get to my other blog here if you'd like to see that one.

My vent is this...
The other day we were watching Baby Mama (which I no longer like at all, though Amy Phoeler is hilarious to me). For those of you who have followed this blog for a while you will know that we had a failed adoption last summer, that wasn't so much a fail as a complete scam. So, watching this 'baby mama' con Tina Fey's character the whole time doesn't sit well with me and I don't have any sympathy for her. It also pisses me off that in the end Tina Fey so easily conceives a child and has a perfect little girl. This is not reality people, though I know it happens randomly to some people, the whole "quit trying and it'll happen" notion is true far less often than it is false, so please refrain from using that stupid remark! It doesn't end there, this was one of those "Dinner and a Movie" type things where there are commentators telling you about the movie (which I think is stupid as well), and the hostess said "well, that wasn't such a serious offense", while the host goes on to quote such horrid things as someone 'selling the Brooklyn bridge to tourists' as a major crime in history. Correct me if I'm wrong, but do you really think that the thought of owning a bridge is somehow more painful of a loss than the thought of bringing home a child that you've prepared for for months on end?!!? I screamed at the TV, "I wish I could jump through there and punch you both in the face for saying something so stupid!!!"

That is the problem with adoption scams, people do not see them as major offenses. I'm not sure how much those people "paid" for the Brooklyn Bridge back in the 70s/80s whenever that happened, but I can assure you our losses were big, and we will not be recouping any of our money from the government who seems to think that if you make a certain amount of money you deserve to lose it in an adoption scam.

And obviously the anger is still there from time to time! I was thrilled to hear of another friend who went through such a tragedy and is expecting legislation to be put into place in her state for "adoption scams", praying we will be so effective in my home state!

Dog days

2011-04-01T16:02:00.001-07:00

Miss O'Hara Belle has been going to puppy school today was her third class! She's doing excellent! No more pottying in the house, she can do...Sit, Down, Wait, Come, Leave it, Take it, Drop it, Wait to be petted, Stop Jumping (to get attention), and is walking much better on a leash! I personally think she's the prettiest girl in her class (they are all girls!)...
Don't you?!?

Foxy took this pic last week and texted it to me (yes I was in the other room), titled "All My Bitches!". Needless to say I cracked up...

Filé is still acting a little neurotic from the steroids she was on, but we stopped them Monday and are crossing fingers she calms down some!!! This is her buried in the covers.

And Noble wouldn't look at the camera because she was mad that Filé was in the bed.

Sampson continues to be our low maintenance lovable Teddy bear!!

I had a sweet chat with my friend, Nan today. We were discussing how this road of infertility and loss never seems to end and while happy things happen, we still miss our angel babies and all the dreams we had for them! I think our husbands struggle too, it's just different for them!

I'm very happy it's getting pretty, warm, and close to pool weather! :)

Deni

6 years ago today

2011-03-30T09:12:00.001-07:00

Sean asked me to marry him over dinner at Fertitta's...

And six years later...

I'm as happy as I ever dreamed I could be!!!

Deni

Joy

2011-03-27T16:43:00.000-07:00

Do you ever see someone else's joy and it feels so close that the joy just rubs off on you? I did today! One of my dearest friends got married today and when I say everything was perfect, I mean, everything was perfect! He looked handsome, his bride was radiant, the food was delish, the setting was picturesque, and their faces on the alter were breath-takingly beautiful! I'm so super happy for Grubby and Carolyn and wish them years of happiness and fun. I am so glad that I made the drive to watch him and see his face. I am quite certain that though I've seen him happy before, I've never seen him like that and my heart is still smiling from it!

The mother of the groom was gorgeous as well and it was fun to see some old friends. Weddings are such a happy time and I LOVE going to them. Each time I go I think to my wedding day and how that was the most wonderful day of my life, when I married the funniest, sweetest man I know! I'm so blessed to have him and I know that Brent and Carolyn are so blessed to have each other too! I'm not a wedding crier, but I did tear up watching them, it was fabulous!!! Wish I had taken some pictures!

**As a side note, Foxy and I started dating 7 years ago today, this March 27th is a good day!!**

Inspiration for today...

2011-03-26T21:40:00.000-07:00

I've been following a caringbridge site for a little girl that was mentioned to me on multiple occasions. I find that when things come up more than once, it's usually the Big Man upstairs shooting me a hint, I try to listen, but sometimes it takes a few hints!!

Well, the story of Kate McRae has been one that I've followed for a while now, and I admire this family for handling a horrific situation with such grace. Today's post on her site was one that really touched a deep part in my soul and I wanted to share it with you...

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate/journal

Read this entry and the part that really struck me was Kate's thoughts on her hair. I pray that I am half that thoughtful of a person when faced with trials, this little girl is a warrior and is constantly thinking of others! Please stop by her site and give her family some love!

Tonight I also attended a concert at my church. Phil Wickham performed, just him and his guitar. If you've never heard him--get to googling and youtube-ing, and iTune downloading. This man has a gift. His voice is one of the most beautiful I have ever heard. What struck me the most is that there are people with talent maybe equal to his, but how many people are using those God-given talents to glorify the One who gave them? To have this voice and to use it to so fully honor God is inspiring and I wish Phil and his family the best of the best and pray for his continued ministry!!

I feel for her...

2011-03-25T14:33:00.001-07:00

****WARNING if you are a Private Practice fan and haven't watched last night's episode don't read this yet******

Addison is one of my least favorite characters on tv, yet I'm compelled to watch her to see what horrific thing she says or does next! Her cheating and hooking up with inappropriate people, her belief that abortion is ok, her thoughts that a baby isn't a baby until it's viable outside the mother, well those things make me sick!

We've all made bad choice that we wish we could undo, but she is an adult, time to grow up! Yes, I am aware that she is a character on a tv show, but it's my vent!!

However, on last nights episode I literally almost vomited at the thought of her being pregnant. Partially because I don't like her character, but also because it so unrealistic in the actual world of infertility! Then as you watch her walk out of the bathroom, downtrodden and dejected, even my heart breaks for her! I've been there, SOOO convinced that this would be my time! That amazing lucky time it happens when you're not expecting it or really trying (but let's be real, who's ever not at least in their mind trying if they're using no protection and still happily dancing away?!?).

My heart breaks more for all those that I know that are still awaiting their miracle, who have never seen those two lines, or seen them only to experience the death of their child later on in pregnancy! I believe they captured the emotion when you see her lying on her chaise broken-hearted and without the will to do anything else. It is that hard to realize yet again a lost dream, the brokeness of a body that repeatedly fails you, and the distance between you and the initial realization that you had that dream of being a mother. Being a mother cannot be replaced by any other task in the entire world. Being a great Aunt, great friend, great godmother, all of those things are awesome, but they do NOT replace the longing to be a mother if you have that within you!

Though I must express and appreciation for those who have so completely involved me in their children's lives, as it makes NE feel less isolated. It stops that "you'll understand when you have children" stigma, because frankly there are plenty of things I understand without my children here on earth!

Finally, I can't even begin to start on the surrogate sister storyline. Just reiterates to me that surrogacy is not the quick fix that so many people jump to!!

Deni

Wish I had known...

2011-03-22T17:44:00.000-07:00

In reference to REs.

I had two friends talk with REs today and both had a fairly good experience, these things make me really happy. I'm not sure I can convey how happy they make me, but having had a realllllllly horrible initial RE experience, and having had a FABULOUS second round experience, I know how important feeling heard, feeling supported, and trusting that your RE is smart are in that instance.

I wish I had known before my first experience that doctors DO listen, that good REs don't care about the money (they do quite well regardless), and that you have a RIGHT to ask all the questions you want!!! Being armed with a good list of questions prior to an appointment, I believe, I key! So... I would like some input from my trusted friends here!

Please tell some of your good and bad RE stories so that others can learn. Tell questions you wish you had known initially to ask, or information that your RE shared that you found inlightening.

I will share a few things here comparing and contrasting my experiences...

1. My first RE never called me by my name, which is a nickname, I know that's not a requirement, but when I went to Dr. S, his whole office called me by my name (as you know on here) from my first visit on!

2. At Dr. Crap's office the nurse who drew blood (eleventy billion times) hurt me EVERY time she stuck me! At Dr. S's office, the only pain I ever had was from OHSS, which he treated (which was quite painful).

3. With Dr. Crap any time I asked a question, he talked to me like I was 5 and was extremely patronizing. When I talk to Dr. S, he happily answers my questions on a reasonable level and doesn't talk down to me at all, he actually encourages questions and explains very thoroughly!

4. When I had a D&C with Dr. Crap he didn't even come talk to my husband after the surgery to give him a report. He left the hospital! Needless to say, my hubby was PISSED! I didn't experience that with Dr. S, but after each thing I had done he talked to us and so did his nurses and they called to check on me!

5. At Dr. S's office I waited 45 mins for my first visit (and panic set in because...). With Dr. Crap, I waited over an hour each time regardless of my appointment time AND waited 3.5 hours to have my D&C done. After waiting 1.5 hours for my follow-up afterwards, and rushing out the door in a full blown panic attack, we left, never to return!

6. I know quite a few people who have seen Dr. Crap, and only one has had rave reviews about him, the others (double digit #s) even with successful pregnancies, say his office feels like cattle herding, and is completely impersonal. (His nurse said to a friend who had done IVF, upon her reporting that she had a BFN that morning, "Well, you knew that could happen!") WTH?!?!?

7. The whole staff with Dr. S asked repeatedly about both me and my husband and how we were dealing with the stresses of IVF. His staff called me to check on me after procedures and he stopped by to talk to me each time I was there, even if I didn't need to see him. The front desk girls, the finance lady, the nurses, the embryologists, they were all AMAZING!!!! Did I mention that getting stuck there didn't hurt--ever!! I have a sweet friend who had seen Dr. S and even with an unsuccessful IVF recommended him with RAVE reviews, as would I, that instilled a LOT of confidence in him and his staff, as she went on and on about their excellent care!

I hope that no one else has a horrible of an experience as I did the first go round, but I pray that EVERYONE has the experience that I had with Dr. S (if you want more info on him, I'd be glad to share, just email me!).

Please share anything you can about RE experiences you've had, I think it's so helpful to know what other people have dealt with and what things are helpful!!

**I'll post again with some more good info***

2011-03-21T19:29:00.000-07:00

My sister is pretty funny and she makes me laugh a lot. We actually think that we are really pretty funny even if no one else does! Rene' has a blog too and it's hilarious a lot of the time! Her latest posts have cracked me up and are keeping me giggling! You can check her out at www.beautifulbeef.blogspot.com and follow her if you want a laugh here or there!!!! The name itself is funny since that's what her last name actually means--funny!!!

Take a little trip with me...

2011-03-15T16:15:00.001-07:00

So hubs had a work conference in Florida this past week/end, so I decided that would be a good one to tag along for! I adore the beach & sun & spas, all of which were included, along with some seafood!!

Here are a few snapshots...

(view from balcony)

(yummy lunch of baked Brie, roasted garlic, and grapes!!)

(poolside)

Aside from a killer sunburn the trip was fantastic! We were in Amelia Island & it was glorious! Fun little getaway with my favorite guy!

Deni

This is Filé...

2011-03-09T21:44:00.001-08:00

She is a very happy sweet dog who just really needed a good home! Sweet Filé has heartworms (thank you to the losers who just dropped her on the side of the road), so she's being treated for that! Luckily she's young and otherwise healthy, so she will bounce back 100%! but for now she's on steroids for like a month! She went from this most of the time...

To a dog who resembles this on the steroids...

Poor thing tries to sleep & tosses and turns and whines and barks and is just inconsolable, though a bit of snuggle time in the bed doesn't hurt (cue jealousy from sister, Noble, and you've found our greatest difficulty with a new dog)!

Otherwise she's very happy and cooperative, takes meds like a champ, and is pretty obidient! Noble is still unsure and will pounce on her every now and again (certainly we want no confusion about who is boss!!), and she is still boss! That's our biggest issue and it gets better daily!

So for a few more weeks we have a restless uncomfortable girl who wakes mommy & daddy every night, usually whining and thirsty, poor girl! Mommy was on steroids for 62 days in the fall, so I have lots of sympathy! Just Want her to feel better asap!

I did get this great shot last week of the sisters peacefully sharing the couch...

And tiny sister O'Hara Belle is at Camp Lady and Pops for a while & got her hair did...

So cute (so unruly!!)

That's all from our clan today! Woof!

Memories I wasn't expecting...

2011-03-05T17:18:00.000-08:00

***This post mentions pregnancy, but you may want to read anyway because that's not the focus***

I didn't realize when I started prepping for Cala to come all the emotions that I would be faced with. You see last summer I bought oodles of baby clothes, mostly because we weren't having any showers because we were adopting a baby and we never knew for sure if that would happen. There are always risks when adopting, but no one ever thinks that for approximately six months of their lives some sadistic girl would be manipulating them just for money. You think about the birth mother possibly changing her mind, which you can understand, as an infertile you could never imagine giving up a baby, so if someone else couldn't give up their child you can accept it and understand a little bit.

It is very different when someone has purposely crept into your life and taken advantage of the things that are most painful for you! I picked out clothing for a little girl that was supposed to come home with us last summer, but the truth is she was never supposed to come home with us. She was never our daughter, and that is sad too. It is sad that her mother committed crimes for money that are costing her daughter a mother. I think about that little girl often and pray for her because I can't imagine what it's like in her world, or how it will be in the future. I know that when I look at all of those darling clothes, some of which are gifts from people we love dearly, I know they are meant for Cala, who will be arriving in July of 2011.

I also know that the human part of me is still angry, not at all like I was, and the constant thoughts of it have dissipated (thank God, as only He could relieve them), but they are still there! I'm still bitter that we lost so much money, not because a mother couldn't bear to separate from her precious child that she had carried for nine months, nope, we are out all of that money so that some criminal could get extensions, fancy maternity photos, a 3D ultrasound, a nice apartment, multiple manicures, and spending money while she did absolutely nothing but harass me constantly. Yes, I'm still bitter about that.

I do firmly believe that the situation was orchestrated by God, that He gave her the opportunity to make the situation right, to make a good choice for her daughter, to make the situation not a criminal one, but that He knew the outcome and He knew that we wouldn't let it lie. He doesn't want to see another family hurt by this criminal, and He knows we will continue to pursue it, as we feel it is the right thing to do. This is the only thing that gives me peace in the situation because my heart was completely broken last summer, we were hurt more deeply than can be put into words and we will not forget it. However, had that not been the case I would not be pregnant with my own biological child right now, so for that I am eternally grateful!

The flip of the coin...

2011-02-27T14:18:00.000-08:00

Some of you who blog may now know who my friend is that lost her baby last week, if so please go send her love, if not you can email me and ask. It seems so unfair to me and it makes me pretty mad to be honest! We were very excited to be going through pregnancy together, as mommies who have lost babies, it's nice to have someone who understands the complexities of being pregnant after loss, and now for her it's all sadness and tragedy over again. It makes me mad that we don't get to share this and mad that she got pregnant only to lose another baby.

Being on this side has taught me some about those who have surrounded me in my losses and how hard it must have been for them in knowing how to reach me, how to help me, and how to be there for me. I must say that there were a few people who, without understanding or having been there were amazing friends and I hope you know that I will never forget that! Then there were others who didn't know how to handle it and so didn't do so well, or somewhat avoided me and the situation, and while it hurt me, I can see how that would be the case, more now than I could while I was neck deep in grief. It's hard for me as I want to be there for my friend constantly and yet I feel like I am a constant reminder to what she has lost (I must say, she hasn't made me feel this way, she is still being as happy for me as can be). I know things people said that bothered me and I make it a point not to say those things. I make it a point to say the things that helped me (which were few), but mostly just to let her vent and talk and say whatever she needs to, whenever she needs without judgment (I couldn't judge I've said/felt all of those things too). My point here being, it's strange to be on the flip side, and I'm very happy that I am, but so so so very sad for my friend as I know the deep chasm of pain she's feeling. This is her fourth loss, so I won't even pretend to know how profoundly this is affecting her, but I will try to be there.

This leads me to a final point that I feel should be addressed and I don't mean to offend anyone, but only to explain why this would be touchy. So many people say so many things that they intend to be helpful and that they mean very well by, but some of the things people say end up hurting way more than helping, my case in point for today is this comment (that most all moms who have miscarried more than once have heard)...

"I would gladly be a surrogate for you".

I know that this is meant in the best way possible and that in all actuality it would be one of the biggest sacrifices ever for someone to make for me or anyone else who can't carry a baby, but let me tell you what a newly BLM hears...

You can't carry a baby on your own. My body works better than yours. You are broken, I am not. I can do something that you can't do. I have no faith that you will ever accomplish what you are trying to hard to accomplish. I can make babies and you can't. I can do what God created us to do and you can't.

I know, I know, no one who offers that means any of the above statements AT ALL and when we are rational and not hurting so badly, we get that and every once in a while appreciate it, but the fact is, we never give up on hoping that our bodies won't fail us. Most of us have NEVER considered surrogacy, and probably wouldn't choose that route first and foremost. It is a kind gesture, but maybe say something like "I wish I could take this pain from you and prevent it from happening" because once we are rational and feeling semi-normal (we never are the same person again) we know that's what you really mean. So thank you so much for the kind offer, for caring enough to want to take the pain, and for being there for us, just know that offer actually hurts more than it helps (unless we approach you about doing something of the sort).

My fascination with Autism

2011-02-25T20:28:00.000-08:00

Not everyone knows this about me, but I am fascinated with autistic children (among other special needs), but I loved working with them. Had you asked my supervisor in my clinicals in grad school, she would probably never have expected me to say that, though she told me from early on how good I was with them. I had a difficult time in my Preverbal rotation to say the least...my first kid dropped out, my second kid came for like 2 days then his mother was put on bed rest and she couldn't bring him anymore, and my third kid was well, AWESOME!!! I won't post his name, but after he bulldozed me into the door a few times and I wondered if he would ever like me, we became fast friends and I still think about him to this day. He was a big kid for his age and his smile was bigger than his face! I say my experience was difficult because I didn't know what I was doing and had so much transition (which I took as a sign that I shouldn't be there, I thought I wanted to work with adults at the time), and then 'huge smile' fell during our therapy one day. Actually, it wasn't a fall at all, it was a mis-step. He was coming down the little step stool to the sink, mis-stepped and kinda twisted his leg, which made him cry and the day was almost over, so we just rocked until mommy picked him up and I thought not a lot of it. Apparently, neither did mommy until 'huge smile' slept for hours and was still whiny, turns out 'huge smile' broke his femur, yes that is the huge bone in your thigh! What!?!? I was devastated and cried when she told me. I felt like such a failure, but she wasn't phased by it and 'huge smile' wasn't slowed down a bit! He came in two days later full leg cast (and an extra 20 lbs it felt like) and I carried him around until my supervisor told me I was gonna have permanent back problems from it, so we had to bring in his stroller! 'Huge smile' LOVED food, I mean loved it, when we'd leave snack time, he would shoot back down the hall towards the snack room for more after he already had two servings of snack! LOL! When I did his home eval, he wandered off to his room while I talked to his sweet parents and came back with a fish stick--he had apparently hidden it under his bed from dinner! These kids are hilarious!

That began my love affair with autistic children. This population is one of the most frustrating and most rewarding to work with. Frustrating because there in no 'one thing' that works for any of them, and what worked one day may not work the next, but rewarding because when they make progress you know you've just broken through a wall that desperately needed to be broken, but hadn't been until then. Their sweet, quirky personalities will keep you on your toes constantly and some days they make you want to pull your hair out! Most of them have the most diligent, supportive, involved parents who do so much more than many of us ever dream of doing for our children (not that we wouldn't, it's just not required).

This post was spurred by my activity tonight. After a crappy couple of days I decided that I wanted to see the movie Temple Grandin and since it's not in the redbox and I can't find it on HBO I bought it and it did not disappoint. Clare Danes did an amazing job of depicting this gifted woman who has done so much for the autistic community. I've been blessed to work with some amazing autistic kids and am grateful for the beast that is facebook that allows me to keep in touch with some of them still. I get almost as excited as their parents when I read updates about them and the progress that they are making and find myself tearing up quite often when I read about them or see pictures of them! It has been (and one day will be again) one of my biggest gifts in life to be touched by these special little people who are gifted in ways that we don't completely understand!! If you have any interest in autism, know any autistic children, or want to support autism, you should see this movie!

Baby Baker Update and a share

2011-02-24T16:40:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to let any of you who were praying for that sweet baby Baker know that they now have a caring bridge site to keep people informed about his progress! That sweet boy is making progress and doing better each day, but days are hard for all of them. Please go give Drew, Abby, and Baker some love there...

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/bakertroxler/

Also, my kindred spirit, Andrea, had a great post today about infertility and I wanted to link it as well, so that you could check it out. Apparently the Today show had a segment about infertility today and it was very good and honest. For me (and most people who struggle with it) being pregnant doesn't make that infertility struggle go away, as a matter of fact, it's very apparent each day. We will most likely never go on to have any children 'the old fashioned way', which is still hard to accept, though probably better for us, since the pressure was ruining everything! Still those who have suffered from infertility, don't forget it, we don't just get pregnant and forget all that we've been through, it doesn't work like that!

Also, please continue to pray for my friend who had the d&c today. She is doing as well as she can be given the circumstances, but my heart breaks for her as I know she is feeling sad and not knowing where to go next! Pray for her family, especially hubby too, as they are very sad and heartbroken too!

I have other posts in my head on similar topics, but sometimes they are hard to write, so stay tuned!!

I hate miscarriages!!!

2011-02-23T20:46:00.000-08:00

I'm not having one, so that's not it, but someone I love is and it makes me angry! It makes me sad, and it breaks my heart! This is not the way it should be. We should get to celebrate babies together. I wish I had more to say, but I'm just mad/sad/heartbroken! Can't say who it is, but if it were someone you know, you would know, it's not my story to tell, but I sure could punch something right now!

Another fur baby?!?

2011-02-22T20:37:00.001-08:00

Yes, apparently we can't get enough around here!!! Hubby got wind of a chocolate Lab that had been abandoned & pleaded his case for a duck dog. So, here's our new girl, Filé Gumbo (goes by Filé)...

She's a little mopey in the last pic. I think she's worried this is just a temporary place too! :(

After a food altercation on night 1, Noble is now to face licking, so I think we're gonna be ok! Noble is the boss here, you know! :)

The boss enjoying snow (I need a newer pic of my Nobelina Princess)!

Sampson here is just along for the ride...

Yappy McGee followed Filé around yelping for a while, she seems ok now!

Tasso (the cat) is still unsure, but Filé has so far paid him no attention, so they will be fine! (or remain on his high perch!)

Goodnight from our ever growing brood!

Deni

Date Nights

2011-02-17T20:24:00.000-08:00

Last night we had a double date night with one of Sean's co-workers and his girlfriend. It was fun, they are fun, and we enjoyed the company. There was lots of doctor/hospital talk, but the funniest part was talking to the co-worker who has grown daughters about his daughters! Sounds like they can give you a lot of heartache when they get past the adorable little girl phase (apparently around 10ish)! We had some good Asian food, which I've been eating like crazy lately!

(google photos)

Then tonight we went and saw Adam Sandler's new movie "Just Go With It"! Hilarious!!!! Not sure if I've mentioned here before that I LOVE Adam, but this movie didn't let me down and the kids in it are absurdly funny, seriously, they really made the movie! He and Jennifer Anniston play very well off of each other and made the movie even more enjoyable! I recommend it for sure, but I always recommend his movies!

Now to try out our new mattress topper that hubby surprised me with yesterday (little tip: if you buy a tempurpedic topper, it needs hours to completely fluff up and air out the weird smell, so 11 o'clock at night isn't the best time to open it up!), so I'll give a full report on what I think about it after a good night's sleep!

Prayers for a baby

2011-02-08T19:46:00.001-08:00

My friend Melissa has a co-worker who just had a baby and he suffered birth trauma. They believe he will be special needs secondary to oxygen deprivation 5 weeks prior to his due date. The miracle is that his mother noticed his lack of movement and they were able to recognize that his cord was bunched up. Baker was delivered and while he is breathing on his own, he is not responding to stimuli and they believe he has brain damage secondary to his oxygen deprivation.

Please pray for his whole family, Mommy--Abby, Daddy--Drew, and Baby--Baker. This is a nightmare and as this community of BLMs I know we know the pain of loss and I know we are a praying supportive group, so please pray for them, as we never want anyone else to join this terrible group! Thank you!

***Update from 2-9-11... The deep middle part of Baker's brain was affected, this controls muscle tone. They don't know what all motor skills will be affected, but it can be any and everything from eating, swallowing, walking, to talking. He will be able to open his eyes and eventually hear, and have his own personality. Also, his breathing is improving. (Update from Melissa). Please continue to pray for them!***

Tasso

2011-02-07T19:05:00.001-08:00

Our cat sleeps on the mantel to keep away from the dogs!!!!

Deni

Support my friend!!

2011-02-06T13:29:00.000-08:00

My friend Sarah is trying to raise money for her adoption in April, she has an online auction going on and let me tell you, if you are within 60 miles of Lafayette, you should bid on the desserts because they look AWESOME (dad gum living in Texas ruining my chances!!).

Hop on over to their site and get something, all the money will help them afford their adoption, or if you just want to donate, you can do that too!!!

http://thescottsblog.wordpress.com/

Even just going by to show them some love would be awesome, as the adoption process is a hard one, and who couldn't use a little extra encouragement!?!?

Thanks and happy Superbowl Sunday-- I'm pretending it's still last year because the best team in the world won last year!!! One Dat, Two Dat, Are you a Who Dat?!?!?

Fun in the Snow!!!

2011-02-04T10:20:00.001-08:00

We woke up this morning to this...

A lot of snow for Texas (or Louisiana for that matter). Sampson and O'Hara were having fun!
The front yard is like a winter wonderland!
Noble was trying to catch the snowflakes--hilarious!!
Here's my snow angel--can you say COLD?!?!
Noble and Sampson were sprinting circle around the yard, and poor O'Hara was trying to keep up and yelping the whole way!
Sampson, my funny speed demon....
O'Hara was cold, but trying to keep up with the big dogs!
Sweet Sampson!
Noble went from eating snowflakes to straight eating snow!
View from the front of the house
Me and my footprints in the background
Now it's time to warm by the fire--gonna be alright (little NeedtoBreathe reference!)
Happy snow day! I'm hoping that the roads clear so Shawn can still come visit!!

In honor of the winter weather...

2011-02-03T19:13:00.001-08:00

If only it was this easy for us infertiles...

This was one of mom's bday cards, think it was pretty funny on my sister's part! Hope it makes you laugh too!!!

Deni

Hilarious Videos

2011-02-02T14:07:00.000-08:00

Seriously, Baby on my Mind always posts the funniest things on her blog concerning infertility! Please head over there and watch these videos if you're wanting a big laugh, I seriously snorted laughing!

Baby on Mind

Homesick

2011-01-30T19:59:00.000-08:00

This weekend I headed home for a short trip. Friday night I went to dinner with my sweet friends, Stephane and Shawn, both are preggo too, so we had a table of the pregnant women, drinking loads of water and discussing all things baby. It was fun. I was more than fun actually, it was home, which is the ultimate.

Funny, but I was still home on Saturday and I was already homesick. I miss that luxury of having the best friends in the world around that have known you for years and you don't have to explain lots of things to them. These two girls (along with quite a few others) know so much about me and the comfort of being in their company is something that I desperately miss. I didn't even realize how much I missed it until I realized that when I lived at home I did this ALL the time. Now, I spend a lot of time at home--alone, which I have come to love too, but I seriously miss my girls. I miss my godchildren, who get cuter and bigger everyday. Guy is almost SIX, seriously--SIX!!! It was just yesterday that he was two and we had this funny exchange...

Guy: DeeDee, when we're done (he was in the bath), you can dry me off, put lotion on me, then put on my jammies and we can get it the bed and have smooches!!

Me: (speechless)

Later I'm tucking him in and he puts his hand on my face (I'm not making this crap up) and says "DeeDee your eyes are so green". He's our little charmer! Now he's halfway done with kindergarten. Then there's Henry, the younger one, who is seriously probably the cutest kid in America. Recently his mom posted a picture of him with a busted lip, patch on his eye (costume piece), and a band-aid on his chin. When I asked what was going on she said he reported that they were "hunting bears and bugs" in the backyard! This one is tough as nails, and is gonna give them a run for their money for years!!

I miss my parents! I miss that luxury of just popping by their house and getting a hug from my daddy or having my mom tell me that I'm right (doesn't matter the subject, just that she agrees!). This weekend I finally put Texas tags on my car (cue the tears), though I did special order LSU tags, so it's not as bad, but I was missing the bolts for the front tag (Texas--ughhh!). So, while I was home my dad had extras and put it on for me, he didn't like how the bolts were rusty and looked yuck against my gleaming white new tag, so he spray painted the bolts white--yep, that's what daddy's are for (and yes, I'm 31 years old! I'm grateful).

I SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY miss my sister. She's my built in best friend and we like to do the same things. I know that if she were here I'd be exercising more, because she would workout alongside me, even if I were going at a slower pace! She's going to be the best aunt ever and Cala already loves her I know it! So, I'm asking a big favor that you pray that her husband would find a job WAY closer to us so that I can see her more often and she can be involved in everything Cala!

So, that's it, I'm homesick and miss my people! Luckily, one of my most favorite people is coming to stay with me this weekend! Thanks Shawn for being my house guest--AGAIN!

Control

2011-01-26T13:58:00.000-08:00

I'm a firm believer that no one can 'take' control over you. You must 'submit' to their control and while sometimes it's easier said than done, I prefer not to let people control my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. Typically, it's very easy for a family member to have control over you, generally just by their relation to you. I mean, your parents do have control over where you go, and what you do, but not necessarily how you feel about yourself. There are some really great parents out there who compliment and support their children all the time, yet these kids still feel incompetent or ugly or dumb, etc. Obviously the opposite is true as well, there are hateful abusive parents who end up with very well adjusted children. I don't think that it's always a conscience decision to let someone control how you feel about yourself or a situation, but others do influence us, and sometimes it requires a fully conscious decision to listen (in good cases) or not listen (in bad cases).

Where did this random thought come from you might ask? Well, first from working with youth and seeing how they view themselves in relation to what others say about them, or how their peers treat them. It often breaks my heart to see young men/women who are so self-conscious or lack self-esteem when they have so very much to offer. I pray that as I interact with these kids I can help be that influence of positive self-image, or can foster a focus on things that they are very good at.

Me, personally, I'm no athlete, very poor coordination, but I've found that I can be a runner (and typically am, though a slow one, which is fine with me!). My parents fostered in my sister and I both that we were smart, we could/should/would do well in school, we would attend college, and we could be anything that we put our minds to--that paid off for both of us. Rene' (my fab sister) is much more athletic than I am, but she's very good at encouraging me in our running endeavors, but the fact that we both focused and excelled in academics and did strive for athletics, I believe has a lot to do with how we were raised. (I have no problem with that, just making a point).

The second reason I was thinking about this is because of the way that my emotions and thoughts have been affected by our failed adoption. I am very guilty of allowing that girl (supposed birth mother) way more control over me than I'd like to admit, but since I'm honest on here, I'm outing myself! I let her ruin my view on private adoption and cause me to be much less trusting overall, and even to taint the name we had picked for our baby. In the past few days I've decided to take back that control, and while our private adoption went poorly (and I think all birth mothers should have a background check in these cases), that doesn't mean that all will. I am a trusting person, and I don't want that to change about me, I'm not naive (as I had my suspicions about that girl from the get-go, hence my intense record keeping!), but I generally trust until you give me a reason not to (i.e. extorting money from me) and I prefer to stay that way. in addition to that I am well aware that birth mothers are not evil people out to scam you for money, this girl was a criminal, not a mother (so all birth mothers, know I very much respect you for the choices you make and the sacrifices you endure for your children). And as far as the name we had picked out last summer, we are still using it, that was not her child's name, but was for our child one day, whenever and however that happened.

Not gonna lie, it feels really good to relinquish that control. That does not mean we will not continue to pursue our case, we definitely will see it through to the end. I believe that while the whole experience was nightmare-ish, that was God's plan for us, and we are serving a purpose by keeping her from putting anyone else through such a nightmare.

I am in control of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions!

My new necklace

2011-01-24T09:23:00.001-08:00

Here is my beautiful necklace from Lisa Leonard...

Isn't it beautiful?!? Thanks Lisa!

Deni

Quick update...

2011-01-22T20:38:00.001-08:00

Been traveling so didn't update immediately, but my sweet friend that had the birthparents pick them...

HAS HER BABY AT HOME!!!

Hallelujah--God is good! Thank you for the prayers and love!!!

Deni

Can you pray for another friend?

2011-01-19T15:20:00.000-08:00

My sweet bloggie friend at Thoughts From a Blonde got THE CALL on Sunday!! Yep, for those of you who've been there or are dreaming of being there, a birth mother picked her and her husband! I'm so happy for them that I was almost in tears when I heard!!! She has been a great support to me and lots of people through this journey, and I've been praying like a loon for them to get their perfect baby!! Please pray that all goes smoothly and that the birth parents sign over their rights tomorrow and J & B get to pick up their bring home baby and bring her home FOREVER tomorrow!!!! You can go visit them and wish them luck!

New Bloggie Friend!!!

2011-01-17T18:27:00.000-08:00

I'd like to ask you to go visit my sweet friend, Alisa, who just joined the blogging community! She's a fellow BLM and IF sufferer and a great woman of faith! You'll love her I know! She's currently starting fertility treatment and I'm sure could use some love and support, so head over to The Brogden Report (isn't that cute?!?) and welcome her to this great group of women who have helped me so much over the last year+!

Again, I must say how much this community has meant to me and how much you have helped me this past year!! Thank you all for your love and support!

Another story...

2011-01-17T08:39:00.000-08:00

I have this sweet friend who was a huge help to me this summer without having to be at all. I feel such a great debt to her, as she helped me out when she barely knew me and I think she is a phenomenal person!!! We were connected by a mutual friend because she was in the process of adopting too and we bonded over that. When I tell you she is one of the sweetest people I know--I'm serious, I'm not sure there is a mean bone in her body!!

So...in November she and her husband were matched with a baby through the state's foster-to-adopt program and have had that sweet baby for almost 2 months now!! They are in love and over the moon! I ask that you join me in praying for them and for this sweet little baby girl, that they will be her forever family! They are cherishing every day that they have with her and are praying for 'one more day' each day. Please join me and them in this prayer, as this baby would be soooo blessed to be in this family forever! Her faith and her husband's faith are so strong and such a testament to how good God is and how trusting Him, though it's not always an easy road, will eventually lead to the best possible outcome! Their situation is currently temporary, so I don't want to reveal names, but God will know, so hit your knees for them!!!

I LOVE Louisiana

2011-01-16T18:35:00.001-08:00

I'm sure if you've read much of this blog you know I'm from Louisiana, and that I love Louisiana. I love the people, the spirit, the food, the festivals (that are all about the food), the customs, the food, the spanish moss, the trees, the history, the crooked politics, the food, that my husband is from south Louisiana (which for those who don't know that is a complete other world and I'm a yankee since I'm from above I-10), that my husband can cook a jambalaya or gumbo that will make you want to kiss him (but you better not try LA girls have tempers of fire), the food, the diversity, and the football---LSU and Saints!!!!!

Today my FIL came in town bearing wonderful treats, first goodies from their organic garden (these veggies make others taste like crap), and meat!! He brought alligator sausage, boudin, and more boudin--yummy! I think you may have seen that the thing I love best is the food! It's nice to have things from home and to get to enjoy them here in the lone start state.

Another shout out to friends who are wanting to adopt!!! Please go onto facebook and like Help Andrew and Leslie Adopt a Child! Sweet friends from home have been through their own very trial filled road and they deserve a child and happiness as much as any people I know!

Keep your ears and eyes open...

2011-01-15T13:04:00.000-08:00

My sweet blog friend, Summer, has an adoption website that is now up. I know lots of people read this blog and don't comment much, but please please Keep Your Antenna's up for my sweet friends!!! This is how we got the word out about our desire to adopt last fall and I know it can work!

You can go to www.browniesadopt.com and see their profile, and if you 'hear' of a birth mother considering a great family for her baby--pass this quick easy information on to her ASAP!!!

I love winning!!!

2011-01-10T21:27:00.000-08:00

Today I won a necklace from Lisa Leonard, you must go check out her site!! Such great stuff, you will want to buy something immediately and she's adorable on top of that!

She did a giveaway for her most recent design, which was for your 'word of the year', and my word was/is EXPECTANT. I'm expecting good things for me and for those that I love, which includes all of you. I can't say enough how grateful I am for the love and support of my blog friends, you are amazing. Your comments, your love, and your prayers have helped me through some very rough times, that I'm not sure how I would've navigated without you!!

Also, please go by and visit my sweet friend, Lori if you're able to see new babies. Lori lost her baby Matthew last year, and gave birth to Luke on the 4th. Their story is heart-wrenching and inspiring!!!

And for those of you who want to follow the pregnancy part of the story, I did start my new blog...

www.babyfoxymiracles.blogspot.com

Come follow along if you want, but don't feel bad if you can't, I do seriously understand!

Let it snow!!!

2011-01-09T14:06:00.001-08:00

Snow in Tyler, TX? Yep! It's a rarity, but it's happening! So what about all of that global warming...

Deni

Adoption Scam update

2011-01-06T13:52:00.000-08:00

We received a letter in the mail today informing us that the girl who called herself our birth mother is still in jail, and will be there with a parole option not coming until 2013. If she were to serve her full sentence, she'll be there until 2020, but that is highly unlikely as it's based on behavior, and we've learned she's a very good actress (unless of course you don't give her the amount of money she wants for a car). This sentence has NOTHING to do with the charges we brought against her, it is for previous offenses (including a previous adoption scam). We are still waiting waiting waiting for how they handle our charges and what the outcome of that will be.

These are my thoughts on this notice:

1. I'm glad they are keeping us informed as to her whereabouts.

2. I think she deserves to be there for a super super long time.

3. Her poor daughter doesn't have a mother, she'll be at least 3 before her mom even has a chance to get out of jail (on this sentence only). Please pray for her, as I can't imagine how this will affect her whole life. Nor how it would/will affect her to hear why her mom is in jail.

4. I'm still mad almost daily. The feelings I have for this woman are not quite to hate, because I don't put that much effort into it, but I get pissed on an almost daily basis when I think about the things that she lied to me about and how she manipulated us, and the situation she's left her child in.

I pray no one else goes through such a thing, though unfortunately through blogging, I know I'm not the only one to experience this.

My positive thoughts from this:

1. I'm glad she's off the streets and can't do this to another family, and I won't rest until I know that justice has been served and that no one else can be harmed by this one person. That being the result of our pain gives it meaning and makes me happy that we could help in some way.

2. If we hadn't suffered this we would never have sought out a new RE and would not be expecting, so God does bring good out of bad always! He is good all the time!

Baby Loss

2011-01-03T10:59:00.001-08:00

I've been wanting to write a post for a few days now to explain why this blog will NOT be about my pregnancy. It is with much sadness that I ask you to go send love to my sweet friend, Summer, as she has lost her baby. Her year has been so hard with so much loss and her spirit and beauty continue to shine through all of it! Please send her some love http://www.bisforbrownie.com/

This is why my blog isn't about baby, because there are still so many people hurting, losing, and missing babies. IF is not something that goes away, you don't forget it because you get pregnant, you don't forget the babies you've lost, and your heart never stops feeling for people who experience what you've experienced!

If people want to follow my pregnancy I'll be making another blog soon, but I can't have this one causing pain to those who already hurt so badly!

Deni

Sunday in the Dome

2011-01-03T09:44:00.001-08:00

Yesterday we went and saw the World Champion New Orleans Saints play in the Superdome!

It was glorious, yes, we lost, that sucked, but we're a wildcard for the playoffs!

The thing is, I LOVE football! The atmosphere, the competition, the fans, the yelling, the gross food (which is much better there what with the smell of jambalaya!!), the passion of the fans and players, really the whole experience! It's exhilarating!

My dad got us tickets, so it was family affair, me, hubby, sister, BIL, mom and dad, and two of their friends! It was fun, just fun!! I wish NFL didn't play on Sundays (Saints mostly at noon), so I could go to every game and not have to miss church too!

I was super pumped that hubs got to go too, since he misses a lot of the fun working!

Loved getting to see my sister again too...

So for now I'll leave you with 2 things...

1. If you are a Saints fan with kids buy the book One Dat, Two Dat, Are You a Who DAT??? you won't be disappointed!

2. Geaux Saints, you can Two Dat!!!! Who Dat?!?!?

New Year's Eve

2010-12-31T12:05:00.001-08:00

I know that's what most people think of today & obviously that crosses my mind too.

Though in my life today marks the due date for my second angel baby, Michael. Had all things gone well I would be at home celebrating a first birthday! While the pain is less this year, it's still there and the images of a sweet little almost one year old at Christmas still flash across my mind! It doesn't go away, not ever. My MIL lost her last baby on NYE years ago and still recalls it. It never goes away.

One of my sweet sorority sisters lost a baby earlier this year. Her angel would be due today and having been there I know it's sad. On a side note, after her loss, she did the same thing I did and ran a half marathon (we were both inactive in college) and to say she did well is quite the understatement! She kicked butt!!! Much love to you honey!!

So Happy NYE! Remembering angel babies all over!

Deni

Year in Review 2010

2010-12-29T09:09:00.000-08:00

I'm going to make this short and sweet...

Bad things in 2010:

1. O'Brien dying. This was really the worst thing of the year. That may sound ridiculous, considering #2, but when you're a dog lover and had a dog for 11 years, the loss is profound! I think about him everyday, literally every single day. When I pulled out my Christmas things his stocking was in there and his little Bah Humbug hoodie (which he hated, but was perfect for him), and I cried a river of tears for my little guy!

2. Our adoption that was a scam (sadly today I came across more ultrasound pics, which I thought I had gotten rid of, and it just baffled me to think that someone could be so very intentionally cruel). I feel like I'm over the anger most of the time, but sometimes it just overwhelms me again!

Good things about 2010:

1. I got a job at the church doing exactly what I've been wanting to do for a few years now, overseeing all of the girls ministry activities! Bonus: I love the people I work with!

2. I started making friends in Tyler, which was a must! Thanks to Kristi for making me feel so welcome and always making me laugh. Also got to meet a fellow BLM, Brittany, who is like a sister now and we have a blast together, I think, even when we're sad about our babies!

3. After losing O'Brien we got O'Hara. She is a bag of handful and more of a diva than anyone I know, but she's pretty cute and entertaining too. Still, like children, one animal never replaces another!

4. Hubby got a new partner at work, which lightened the load, at least for a little while!

5. My Fab5 (other 4) encouraged me and helped me to find a great RE, who I saw in September initially (following a rave recommendation from sweet Amy). We had testing done, found our culprit and how to treat it. This leads to #6...

6. We are pregnant and farther along than we've ever been with things looking great. We are thankful beyond words, and I wish that I could give this gift to every BLM out there who is still waiting on their rainbow baby!

These are just highlights, there are many more good things that happened this year (my getting to go to 4 LSU games, only one of which we lost), and for all of the blessings, and all of the wonderful people in our lives I'm soooo full of joy!

I believe it's time...

2010-12-27T09:21:00.000-08:00

to let you know that there is a baby Troxclair on the way! I am 12 weeks pregnant today! We are very excited and have had great appointments throughout this entire pregnancy (today was our 5th u/s, so lots of pics of baby T). If you look over at the new page I've made it tells the whole story of this pregnancy. After the Natural Killer Cell hyperactivity diagnosis, Dr. S (the RE in Dallas) recommended IVF, as there are meds that need to be administered at very specific times, and he felt this was our best option. We did that, actually a Micro IVF, which uses lower doses of meds (thank goodness! as I overstimulated). So, I've been writing entries and not publishing them, but I wanted to have record of the whole process, so check out Additional Info on my homepage.

I know this news is hard for some people to read, and believe me I completely understand, and while I hope you'll all continue to follow, I completely understand if you can't right now. I won't give any flowery words about how your time is coming and all the positive crap because I know that it really doesn't help at this point. The only advice I do have is this...if you have seen an RE and had a horrible experience, felt like they weren't listening, thought maybe you were at a cattle ranch being herded through, or have been doing the same thing over and over, there is hope. Try to find another RE, as not all of them are most interested in making money! I highly recommend the Sher Institutes (www.haveababy.com). And I wish you good luck!!!

I don't want this blog to be all about baby, so when we know what we're having we will be starting a blog just for our child and future children! I'll put some u/s pics up there when I make it!

***for anyone who wants to see them, there are u/s pics now on the additional info page at the bottom***