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OUR NEW PATH...

I got good advice from my sweet, Shandrea, today, and while you will all be reading this in past tense. I knew that I wanted it out there, but knew that during the process wouldn't work for me right now. Here is why...

We are doing IVF, I know that I blogged about the Natural Killer hyperactivity and that we would use IV Intralipids to treat the condition, and we are doing that. My RE did not really give us the option of doing it without IVF, as he said they don't want to administer the Intralipids month after month in hopes that you get pregnant, as they could miss the right day and end up not treating them early enough and that could result in another miscarriage. As I'm sure I don't need to state, we can't go through that again if we can help it at all! The decision for IVF for us was very hard as we've debated it over and over and felt that we were taking too much control out of God's hands, and we would certainly never choose it without just cause. Clearly, we trust Dr. S quite a lot and value his opinion above all, I did NOT feel this way about my previous RE. There is a difference in his care, his compassion, and the efficiency and comfort with his staff. With all that being said, I know I can't put all of this on the blog immediately, as we need to do this and process it in our own way on our own time. My blog is far from private and all of our family can read it, while some know what is going on, not everyone does, and we need to keep it that way for now. Praying I will be publishing this in a couple of months! So...

I started Lupron yesterday. We are actually doing Micro IVF, which you can read about at www.haveababy.com, our clinic's website. It is basically all of the normal meds given for IVF, but in lower doses and I believe some are left out (obviously, at a good clinic, everyone does not get the same protocol, it's based on your individual needs). Lupron is a shot that suppresses the reproductive system, so that we can get it to be on a schedule they can manage, so they know exactly when to go in and get these "good" eggs, that Dr. S says I have! The Lupron is an injection, no I've never given myself a shot before in my life, but I did yesterday and today!! I feel like a champion, really, I do!! I'm also on a low (.75mg) steroid to prevent any inflammation, as they don't want inflammation at the time of transfer because it could prevent the embryos from implanting. That made me a little nutty yesterday, as I felt a bit wired! I went for a 300 meter swim at 9:30pm, that helped me expel some of that energy and I ended up asleep with some benadryl by 12:30, not too bad. Took it earlier today, so hopefully that won't affect my sleep pattern!!! Then I'm on 4 grams of folic acid, I think they put most people on that, but it also could be related to my MTHFR gene mutation (not sure if I've written about it on my blog before as we found it before I started blogging). I have the single mutation and from what I understand it's pretty common, but it keeps you body from processing folic acid correctly, and you need plenty of that for a baby for DNA replication!

So, that's it for today, for now it's 10 units of Lupron, 0.75 mg of steroid, 4 grams of folic acid, and a prenatal vitamin. More to come!!!

DAYS 3 & 4...

Yesterday my shot (Lupron 10 units) bothered me, not that it hurt, but I think there must've been air in the syringe, and it made my skin itch. It only lasted like an hour, but still a little disconcerting. Then today, it went perfectly fine, didn't hurt, barely even felt it and let my mom watch. I thought I would let my mom watch, just to show her it's not that big of a deal.

Here's some of the reality of doing this whole process. It sucks. Not that all of the parts in and of themselves are hard, but the sum of all the parts suck. With hubby studying for his boards, which is always a complete nightmare, as he is truly hellish to be around for the 3-4 weeks prior, add to that the steps of this process and you have disaster.

It would've been easy for him to wait another month, there is no real feeling of failure on his part, as this is "my" problem, something wrong in my body. I couldn't bare to wait another month, couldn't bare to hear another one of my close friends tell me that they are pregnant while I still sit and wait. He doesn't seem to fully understand this whole thing, but it's not his body that has been killing babies for, um, forever! So, there we have it. This process is hard because you don't typically go into it just for funsies!!! There is generally something wrong, which makes IVF your option, and that something wrong has to be dealt with as well, because no matter what you feel guilty! So, just saying, I recommend some counseling along with the IVF, it's helping me!

INITIAL ULTRASOUND...

So, I haven't kept up day by day, but I had my first ultrasound today to make sure all was going right in my little baby cooking cave. Dr. S said there were no cysts, no abnormalities and I am to continue on my regimen as prescribed. Had blood drawn to test my estrogen level, and will get those results soon.

As of now I'm still on the low does steroid (0.75 mg), and now only on 5 units of Lupron per day along with 4 grams of folic acid and a prenatal vitamin. This will continue through Monday and on Tuesday I'll start the stimming meds.

Up to this point there haven't been a lot of side effects really, but I'll list them for you, so you might know what to expect...

Slight headaches (dull ones that linger, but nothing like a migraine)

Constipation (treatable with some fiber)

Overall bloated feeling (mainly in my abdomen, but sometimes just all over)

Insomnia (tried just taking Melatonin, not helping, so Benadryl it is!)

I'll also say that this process is stressful, I'm not feeling overwhelmed today at all, and the shots are really no biggie to me, BUT I've never had a problem with needles. Still, it is just a little overwhelming and my mind seems to be racing constantly. Hubby and I have been testy with one another, but we're working on communicating better and being clearer about what each of us needs! I have yet to talk to an IVFer who hasn't said that tension rose in their home, it just seems to be a little bonus to all you're going through. That being said, once we aired out some grievances, we're doing much better and getting more excited by the day!!!

ADDING ANOTHER...

shot! Today was my last day of only one shot. Tomorrow evening I add Follistim, which is a stimulating drug, and I have to admit, I'm a little nervous. It's just the anticipation and I know that once I've done it once I'll be fine. The part that makes me the most nervous is that I have to do it at the same time daily (within an hour), and I'm just worried that somehow I'll forget or mess it up, or who knows. It being in the evening worries me because with the morning one, I'm always in bed, I just get up take the shot, and either get on with my day, or go back to sleep for a while. In the evening I'm worried my schedule will get messed up and I'll do it at the wrong time! This process (IVF) riddles you with anxiety because it all seems so important and so breakable, like you could do one thing wrong and ruin it all. I don't know that that is really true, but it does make me worry. Then I worry because I feel like I should be as calm and positive as possible, which then makes me worry that I'm too stressed and it won't work at all. Such a vicious little cycle!!!

Last night/this morning I had a major migraine. Like took my relpax that usually squashes it, and it didn't touch it! I hate when that happens. I don't think that it's medicine related, I really think it's stress. I had a few abnormal stresses the past few days, and usually when that happens I can sense a migraine coming on and I take my meds early enough to nip it quickly, but still even after having these for 7+ years now, I miss the signs. When I don't take the medicine early enough I usually just have to suffer through it, as with today. It bothered me most today because I really only go into my office Monday through Wednesday, so to not go in today made me feel bad. Luckily, my boss is pretty great and told me not to worry about it at all.

So, tomorrow I'll try to update about the next shot. Right now I'm going to read about it again to hopefully be prepared to do it correctly!!

STIMMING MEDS...

So, last night I started the stimming meds, 300 units of Follistim, which you put in this little pen thingy and dial up the dosage and then inject into your belly. It was no biggie, didn't hurt at all. Still, again I had psyched myself up to believe that it was going to be much worse, and again I realized that this process really isn't that hard. I'm not trying to down play it for people who have a problem with needles, because I know that some people really can't handle that, so know I'm making no judgments here. For me, being told my whole life that shots will make you feel better (my mom was really good with reverse psychology) I've never feared shots and actually always preferred them, as I did seem to feel better faster!

In my case, this really hasn't been that hard. I'm not on really high doses of meds since we are doing the Micro IVF, and I think that maybe makes it better. I will say that last night I had a monster headache again, not a migraine, but still a doozy, which kept me from getting to sleep until about 1 am. I'm a big sleeper, and I believe the low dose steroid is interfering with my sleep patterns which is hard, but I'm making it just fine! Other than that I feel a little bloated and to me, my face seems a little puffy, though no one else has seemed to notice. I just have that feeling that I look tired from my eyes being swollen a little, but that could actually be from lack of sleep.

As the time gets closer and closer I do feel myself starting to agonize about the specifics and will this work? I'm trying to keep those thoughts at bay and have lots of good friends who are very positive for me who keep assuring me that they have the best feeling about this for us. Thanks to everyone who has been so very encouraging! I know this post will be put up way after the fact, but it doesn't diminish my gratitude at all!!

OOPS...

So, today for the first time, I overslept. I usually do my Lupron shot at 8 am, but my alarm was turned down on my phone and I didn't wake up until almost 9. I desperately needed the sleep, as the worst side effect so far has been insomnia, but it did stress me out just a little. I'm trying not to worry about it though, what's a hour going to do right?!?!

Now, I need to get all of my stuff, meds included packed up to head to Dallas for my intralipid infusion. I'm not the least bit nervous about that for some reason, though I may feel different in the morning!! I'll start the Menopur tomorrow, and I'll be with Julie, so maybe she'll give it to me--we'll see! Doing it all myself kinda makes me feel accomplished, that stubborn independent streak that never dies, I guess!

So, for today that is all in my little world of IVF. Continuing to try and stay very positive and relax as much as possible. Sometimes easier said than done, but a massage this morning helped a lot!

MY WORST FEAR (WITH IVF PROCESS)...

So, I've been stressing since we decided to do this about my ability to keep up with it all. Like would I mix up some meds, would I forget something, could I give myself the shots correctly, would I miss something.

Today as I was making my plan to stop and give myself my Follistim shot on the way to Dallas (I have my intralipid infusion tomorrow), I realized that I had left my little cooler packed down with all my meds in my refrigerator at home. Utter and complete panic set it, as well as a barrage of tears. I called hubby in a complete tizzy, and he was thankfully very sweet, and I turned around and headed toward home, and he headed toward me!! So, extending my trip by an extra hour and a half really wasn't tragic, though it felt tragic for about 30 minutes. I gave myself my follistim shot in a parking lot of a gas station, hubby was impressed by my shot skills!

Funny thing is that I packed up all of my drugs, even the ones that I don't need until next week. I thought I was so prepared, and of course, just left it there!

INTRALIPIDS DONE...

Went in this morning for my intralipid infusion, it was totally no big deal. I wore comfy clothes and layered, as I assumed I would be cold. The room was a great temperature and while my arm was cold the whole time, the rest of me was not! I brought a book and read while the milky looking solution seeped into my veins. No biggie. It didn't hurt, wasn't uncomfortable, and so far (only 2 hours later) I have no side effects. Currently I'm enjoying a caprese salad fromEatzi's, which thrills me, and I have a gluten free cupcake from Sprinkles to enjoy afterwards!

I need to say again how very much I love my new RE's office. From the moment I walk in, them knowing my name, and exactly what I'm there for, to the nurse explaining literally everything about the intralipids, to offering me some juice, to sitting down to demonstrate the mixing of the menopur shot today, to asking about how I'm feeling in the whole process. You really couldn't ask for better care. Not to mention that as Dr. S walked by my room today he stopped to have a little chat, and while that may not seem big to some people, I know a lot of us are used to being practically ignored by our doctors unless there is direct contact absolutely necessary! He's delightful, always positive, always smiling, always encouraging, and that is worth the trip each time, really!!

So, good day, about to curl up with a book until I go see Sugarland tonight with Julie and Becca! Should be fun! Happy Friday to everyone!

1ST MENOPUR SHOT...

It occurred to me earlier that maybe no one will even want to read these silly details about our whole IVF experience, but it makes me feel better to write them, the act of writing has always made me feel better, and so I'll continue!!

I just finished administering my first Menopur shot, which was slightly more painful than theLupron or Follistim, but has yet to be unbearable. The injection site is slightly red, and it bled a tiny bit with what looked like a tiny bit of the medicine leaking out (like a drop, not significant). While at the RE office this morning the sweet nurse showed me again how to administer it, as you draw up some liquid in a syringe, then put it into the bottle of powder, then suck that back into the syringe and then put on a needle and administer. A bit more complicated, but not hard! I also iced the area before the shot. I've had two sweet IVF friends tell me that this shot can cause whelps and pain, so I was trying to avoid that. Luckily, my plan seems to have worked!

Laying on the couch reading a fairly good book all day, made me unaware of the world around me and when I got up to go do my shots I actually felt a little crummy, just some nausea, and that overall feeling of blah. Seems better now and I feel it will be aided by drinking some water. I have been uncontrollably thirsty lately, so ice water it is...

Continuing to press forward knowing that the ultimate prize is worth any discomfort!!

**Update--the Menopur did in fact leave a big whelp on my tummy, it's a little itchy, but not overwhelming***

I FEEL...

Yucky. It may have something to do with every inch of my body hurting after my half marathon this morning. I've actually not felt this bad after one before and I firmly believe it has to do with stimming while doing a half marathon. My muscles are sore, but I also feel achy and just plain yuck. The menopur shots are yucky, they leave huge welps on my tummy and the one yesterday was itchy and bruised as well.

I have that overall yuck feeling of being on extra hormones, and just kinda blah. I feel pretty weepy, like things that normally don't bother me are making me want to cry, and I'm finding myself choked up a lot. I assume this is all just part of it, and I'm trying to embrace it all while not letting myself worry needlessly about things that I can't control (like the number of eggs retrieved, how many will fertilize, how many will make it to blasts, and if we will have any left over). It is requiring great patience and faith in God, which for me, honestly wains at times, considering all that we've been through. Ultimately, I KNOW that He is in control and His ways are greater than mine and that He does have the BEST plan for our lives and our family.

Lots of this probably has to do with being completely exhausted, I'm sooooo tired. I'm an 8-9 hours a nighter, and adore naps, but I haven't been sleeping well since I started the steroids about 21 days ago, so I'm feeling deprived. I don't do well on very little sleep for extended periods of time, and I'm feeling that catching up with me. Thank goodness my husband is so busy right now, and Julie is so patient with me. I'm a very blessed girl to have these people in my life. Now, I could literally face plant into my desk!

STRANGE...

So, I actually had two different meds that I used for my menopur. I had a very sweet friend give me left over meds from her IVF cycle, (saved me a lot of money, and gave me the opportunity to talk to her and her husband about their experience) and I used the vials from her first, 3 shots, all resulted in huge whelps, and one with a big bruise yesterday. Today, I used the actual menopur shots that were prescribed to me, and guess what!?!?? NO WELPS, no bruises, no itching! Like the other shots, no biggie! Too bad I didn't start with that, huh?

Julie says that they are probably just mixed differently and we had reactions to the solution/mix included in them. So, learn one from me, if you get meds given to you, you use them because this is an expensive venture, but the others may not make you swell up. I'll take the swell and am super grateful for my wonderful friend who gave me the meds. Please keep her and her sweet family in your prayers, as she's on bedrest with her triplets!!!

FOLLIE CHECK...

I have no clue how people tell what is going on on an ultrasound screen! It looked like Dr. S was checking the same follies over and over, but I guess that's good because he said there are like 30 in there! I have 9 or so that are already almost mature and then 10-12 more that are reaching maturity. I'll just do the menopur tonight, no follistim, and then I go back in the am to have the follies checked again. Hopefully we'll trigger tomorrow night for a retrieval on Friday! Sounds good. Dr. S and my fab nurse, H, said that everything looks great that I've responded very well to the Micro dose of meds! So, I'm feeling very good and positive!

ANOTHER U/S AND MORE WAITING...

Dr. S did my follie check again today, and we're still waiting on some follies to 'mature'. They took blood to test my estrogen level, and will call me later today with a plan for the rest of the day and tomorrow. I'm bummed really, was ready to trigger tonight and move forward, but now we're still in limbo...

***Update**** Follow up phone call says my E2 level is too high, so I can't trigger until it is down. I'm around 5K now and it needs to be down to 4K in order to trigger. Praying for that level to drop. So, looks like I'm going to hang out in Dallas a while longer. Definitely through Saturday, maybe even Sunday, which I don't want to do, but if I will do whatever it takes to have a healthy baby, so we wait. I'll go back in tomorrow to have the level checked again, if it's gone down we trigger, if not I go in again on Friday to have it tested again. Praying it's going down...

FEELING DOWN...

Thusfar, into this whole IVF process I haven't let myself even entertain the idea that this process could possibly not work. The thought of even considering that it could fail was too overwhelming and felt like an omen! Now, there is a possibility that it could fail, though I am really confident in my RE that he knows what he's doing and this whole cycle will not be a waste. With my estradiol level being too high I worry about it not coming down, and then missing my egg retrieval, and not having enough good eggs or embryos. I'm overwhelmed and don't know really how to be calm about it, or how to let it go. I'm trying to read a book, it's not helping, maybe the book isn't that good, that's kinda what I think. Tomorrow I'm taking myself to a movie solo after my appointment, distraction is key at this point. I'll also get to meet with SK for coffee, which will be nice, I really like her, and keeping up with my old grad school peeps is nice. Got to see Monica today, which is always a great time, that girl is so funny and fun to be around!!

STILL WAITING...

So, here I am on Friday, when I figured my retrieval would be yesterday or today, and actually there is no sign of it's arrival. My estradiol level is still too high (well technically I'm waiting on today's results, but I'm certain it's not low enough, as my level of discomfort seems to have a bearing on the level of the E2), so there will be no triggering tonight, which means that retrieval won't even be Sunday now, so could be Monday or Tuesday. Who really knows?!?!

I was much more upset about this yesterday and the days before, as I felt completely out of control, and this entire process has had me worrying mostly about Sean. Worrying about his work schedule, worrying about whether he'll be able to be here, worrying about whether or not he's stressed (which he is), and how to make this less stressful for him. Today we eliminated a lot of that stress, as he left his sample at the clinic, so that when we go to retrieval, it will be there and we don't have to mess up his work schedule (or the other 3 people he works with who have families and lives as well). This brought my stress level down quite a bit. So, that's helpful, but I will say I am disappointed that he won't have to be here for retrieval, or transfer (though he'll still try for that if he can), but this is our life and when we have a bun in the oven, it won't matter anymore!!!

Truthfully, at this point, my shoulders feel like ropes that have been wound so tight that I can barely move my arms, my neck is hurting constantly, and I'm just waiting on a migraine to arrive, as these are all precursors usually. On top of that I have about 30 follicles growing away in my belly that is causing some great discomfort in my tummy! So, overall, I feel crummy, not to mention the hormones racing around and making me weepy and testy. It's not fun. This process isn't fun, and I'm feeling more and more sympathy for those who have gone through all of this to have a baby, especially multiple times. Then my heart breaks for my sweet friends who have done this and have lost their babies, too many to name, but wow!! You would think after all that they did to get their babies, they should get to keep them--forever!!

So, still waiting in Dallas, and wanting now to go home!! These are the times I wish this was posted b/c I know prayers would be breaking out like wild fire!!

FOLLOW UP TO STILL WAITING...

My nurse, H, who I love called me back yesterday afternoon with GOOD news!!! My estradiol level is going down!!! Which means....TRIGGER today, well tonight at 11:30pm, which is great news! I'll get to be home for Sunday at church, which is very important to me as some of my youth are home this weekend from college and I really want to see them. So, I'll head back to Dallas on Sunday night (tomorrow) and stay with Caryn, my BFF from grad school, who is 34+ weeks pregnant with twin boys, Mox and Cohen (don't you love those names!!??) after having done IVF earlier this year. She is going to drive me to retrieval, pick me up, and let me rest on her couch before returning home for the rest of the week to wait on our little embies to grow this week.

We are set for retrieval Monday around 10am, and then a 5 day transfer on Saturday the 23rd. Woo Hoo!!! I'm super excited and very glad that Sean's co-worker volunteered to work for him so he can be at the transfer on Saturday!! We are surrounded by a lot of supportive, wonderful people and are very grateful for how blessed we are!!

RETRIEVAL...

was yesterday, Monday October 18th 2010, I had 32 eggs retrieved. Wow! That was a lot and explained the severe bloating I've been feeling! My nurse said that was great and we couldn't have hoped for better. She also said if I had done regular IVF, not micro, that I would've ended up with OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome), which makes you very sick and would've ruined our cycle. So, yet another set of shout outs to Dr. S for knowing what he's doing! They were great at the clinic and got me all set up and chatted with me. The nurse who did my intralipids remembered that I was going to see Sugarland that night and asked me about it, among other things, which just further proved that she was listening and actually cared about my life. It's really the little things that count, isn't it?!?!

So, Dr. S called today to tell me that 30 eggs matured, and that they have formed 26 embryos! TWENTY SIX!!! wow!!! He said this is excellent news and he'll call on Thursday with a full report on my embies, this will tell how many are still growing, their grade (our clinic does 1-3, 1 being best), and how many cells they are. He said that they like them to be 6-8 cells for transfer and that we should have no problem finding 2 great embies for transfer!

After the retrieval I was starving and Caryn and I went to a restaurant in Dallas that is gluten free, and it was just awesome to get to have french toast! I'm not even that big of a french toast fan, but the thought of bread covered in syrup was great. The food did not disappoint! Thanks Caryn, for driving me, picking me up, for lunch, and then gelato--yummy!!!! I felt pretty crampy after the procedure and they gave me some medicine for that, then we got back to Caryn's and I slept for like 4 hours, actually pretty soundly, minus a quick potty break. Today I still feel a little crampy and bloated, though I think it's subsiding (I hope anyway), and I'm still sleepy, but I don't know if that's from the anesthesia or just the fact that my steroid has been keeping me from getting good sleep!

Also, last night I did my first PIO (progesterone in oil) shot, which is the only intramuscular one that I've given myself, and I did just fine! No problems, it's a little more painful than the others, but not that big of a deal! Hubby will give them to me when he's home, but he worked like 16 hours yesterday--boo!! It was scarier just because the needle is bigger, but I'll do whatever it takes and be very grateful that I'm not afraid of needles!! So, I'll do those daily until we hear a heartbeat, which will be sometime the second week of November I believe, or well the 3rd week. Then the shots will cease--I'm looking forward to that!

Sunday night I was feeling yucky and called hubby to say that I was on my way to Dallas and feeling yucky and he said the only thing I've needed to hear this whole time...

"Thank you for doing all of this so that we can have our own babies!"

I'm good now!

BUMP IN THE ROAD...Yesterday, well really Tuesday I started feeling really poopy, lots of pain, bloating and pressure in my abdomen. When hubby arrived home on Tues night after a fun night at the DU banquet (boys!!), I was beside myself and crying like a baby. I just didn't think that I should still feel so bad! When I woke up Wednesday I felt a little better, but as I got ready for work and went there, then to my bible study, I just kept feeling worse and worse. Finally, about 2 yesterday I called Dr. S's office and talked to my nurse, H (have I mentioned I love her?!?), and she said it sounded like I was hyperstimulating and that I should come in for an u/s. We talked an decided I would come in first thing on Thurs and I called hubby, who freaked out a little, called H, and said how great she was too! He took a little look and saw some fluid in my belly, so we were pretty sure that was what was causing all the pain.

This am we saw Dr. S first thing and he looked around and said yes! There is fluid, and we could drain it, or we could just let it work it's way out. Either way he didn't seem so positive about the possibility about making it to transfer on Saturday. Of course, this made me cry, and I requested that he go ahead and aspirate some of the fluid as I really was still in a lot of pain. The process was painful to get the fluid off, but I started to feel better immediately! I'm still feeling a little bloated, but it doesn't hurt to sit or move now!! Again, I'm wishing my blog wasn't quite so public right now, so I could post all of this and get some love from the bloggy world who have been there. I have to say the people who know are praying like crazy people and I'm so very grateful to be surrounded by such great people.

Now, I need the OHSS to stop, for my ovaries to get the memo that they can chill now, they've made enough eggs, and they need to just lay low, so we can transfer on Saturday!!! I'm on bed rest until then, just laying around (thank goodness for my sweet laptop so I can write and blog while I'm on my back, or left side where Dr. S said to lay!!).

SWEET RELIEF...

Praise God from whom all blessings flow! Thank you so much to those who prayed for the healing! The draining of the fluid off the belly did the trick!!! I am feeling like a new girl already!

This means...

TRANSFER tomorrow!!!! Hooray!!!

It is amazing to know that the power of prayer does, how am I always so shocked by the things that our AWESOME GOD does??? He is good all the time, all the time He is good!!

TRANSFER...

Was Saturday October 23rd. (I wrote this post on my phone and it didn't upload to here like I intended). It went off without a hitch and we transferred 2 good looking embryos! Hubby was adorable in his excitement!

No anesthesia, just a catheter inserted then your embryos placed into your uterus, you get to watch on the u/s screen, which was pretty stinking cool!!!

I have the best feeling about it, such peace and an overwhelming joy that can only come from God and all of the prayers being lifted up for us!! God is so good and even people we told nothing about the IVF have just said that I've been on their hearts today. That God, He's always up to something!!

I have to put it here because two things really stuck out to me today. There were tons of texts and calls and messages and I appreciate them all, but my two favorite things were these...

Sweet Shandrea, we call her Grace because she just embodies that word send me a text with a prayer from her to say while holding my belly (i.e. my babies) and it brought tears to my eyes. It was true, real, beautiful, and I thank you sweet friend! She's great about sending up prayers, but typing them out too, so you know just what she prayed, it's comforting!

The second was that Larry, my friend Amanda's husband, who is a DIE HARD Auburn fan (Auburn played LSU today and won), was offered the great opportunity to gloat in full fashion!! He did send me a "War Damn Eagle!", which was well deserved, Cam Newton is amazing!! But he followed it with this...

"There's only one touchdown that counts today and it's still under review for 10 more days!" Given a great opportunity to rub in our loss, he instead was rooting for our personal success! Thanks Larry! For that I'll say it, if LSU isn't going all the way (which they totally aren't with the horrible coaching we've got going on), Auburn should take it this year :).

So, it's a day of bed rest down for me and one to go! Hubby has been an awesome caregiver since I've actually been on bed rest since Wednesday secondary to the OHSS. Today my mom came to stay with me and made me gluten free gumbo and it's delish!! She and Foxy collaborated and while they don't think that it's perfected, it's yummy and will all be eaten!! Thanks to all my family and friends for being so amazing!!

Now bake bake bake little embryos! Mommy wants you to snuggle in tight and hang out for quite a while!! :)

AM I OR AM I NOT?...

Oh the waiting for this whole experience is going to be the death of me! I really actually think that I am pregnant, as I am clinging to that HOPE that I know is important! Of course, I've been really googling like a lunatic, early pregnancy signs and IVF, and all kinds of stuff. My friends Lori and Caryn, who have both done IVF said that I should be eating pineapple to help with implantation. Britt, said she's heard it too, where have I been huh?!? So needless to say I've had about 2 lbs of pineapple in the past 2 days!

I know that some people test early before their blood beta, but I just don't know what I'm going to do! I heard you can test as early as 5 days post 5 day transfer, and I've seen people with positives that early too. I really wanted to test and have a positive Friday, since it's our anniversary--5 years! Wouldn't a great :) or + or two pink lines for a Happy Anniversary gift!

Waiting, I'm so not good at that. I actually hate that word--waiting!!!

THE WAITING GAME...

Have I mentioned that I HATE waiting?!?!? It sucks! And here I am 5 days post 5 day transfer wondering was it a success or not. My heart of hearts is begging for a BFP, but my constantly disappointed and let down soul is silently preparing for the worst! It's a semi-self preservation. My counselor said today to work on my self talk and the things that I say to myself. I need to be positive but I also need to be realistic to some degree. Do I have pregnancy symptoms, well, yes, I do. The problem is they can also all be side effects from the PIO shots as well, so there's not really any clear signals. I know that I'm tired and have a headache and I'm really grouchy and my face looks like a road map with all of these blemishes. None of that is fun, nor is the weight that I've gained or the shots and suppositories I keep having to do in hopes that this has worked.

I know that if it doesn't I'll be devastated, and I can't keep thinking about that! I can't be negative. I wish someone could give me a sedative and I could sleep for the next few days. Oh, yeah, and tomorrow is my anniversary--gonna be fun to celebrate that without being able to baby dance at all. This part does suck. I feel sucky, hey! maybe that's a good thing!!!

STILL WAITING...

but feeling better today, but not good enough to try a test! I just don't want to test too early and be disappointed if it's not positive and stress over whether it could be false and I think that would just make it worse. I think I may just have to wait. I am supposed to go to the lab early on Monday morning to have blood drawn at the OB's office, so I'll probably home test before then so that I don't get the news from people that I don't even know. It wouldn't be good to melt down in a new place, though I've done it before. However, if it's good news then I'll know! I believe it's good news. Probably wouldn't have said that yesterday, so ask me again tomorrow.

On a side note, Caryn said her doctor told her that a lot of people who take fertility meds do not have as many side effects from the actual pregnancy because they are already so full of hormones. So, with that said, I feel more calm. I'm also still on the steroid, which Sean says is suppressing my immune system, so I'll be heading to get the flu vaccination. Plus, last year during flu season he saw a lot of pregnant women in the ICU with H1N1, so it totally freaks him out (understandably!!). I don't want the flu anyway--yucky!!!

Bake bake bake little Troxie embies!!! Are they still embryos at this point? Google, here I come...

ONE WEEK POST TRANSFER...

Saturday October 30th, exactly one week post transfer, and I do not feel pregnant. I'm too scared to POAS for fear of being let down, all I can say is that I slept for about 13 hours last night, which was glorious!! Absolutely glorious! The steroid seems to still be keeping me from sleeping as soundly, but at least I did sleep, and only had to get up to pee a couple of times (could be a good sign, but I usually do that every night anyway!). I'm not really feeling negative, so I hope it doesn't sound that way, but I guess I'm trying to prepare myself in some small way. I would feel bad, but I have to reference this post by Andrea who was in the wait after her IUI. Then, this post just 7 days later. It gives a fair description of what this roller coaster of emotions does to someone dealing with infertility and loss. Sometimes we feel like we're on the ride and someone permanently attached our seatbelt and we can't get off no matter how hard we try.

So, I read her posts again, and remind myself that good things happen, even when it doesn't seem like they can!!

IVF UPDATES FROM HALLOWEEN ON...

So, on Halloween morning I woke up at 7am. For those who know me, and those who've read a while, this is unheard of, I'm NOT a morning person, but I'll give a little back story as to why I think it happened.

Saturday night I was feeling a little down, mostly just anxious about the whole process turning out positive. My sweet friend, Keiah (I've mentioned her and her book "Aftermath"--go buy it), had sent me this great message on hope and God's promises and His gift to us of children, so I went back to read it. She also had talked about going to God rather than to people to comfort us, and so that's what I did. A nice, down on my knees, session with my Heavenly Father. I prayed, I pleaded, I cried, and I hoped. Part of how I feel closest to God is through music, so I played some worship music, sang out loud, and felt His presence so strongly. One of my favorite songs of all time is Desert Song, by Hillsong. Strangely this song has been like an anthem through so many different stages for me, and I can hear it a million times and something different will stand out when God wants it to. The last line of the song is this...

This is my prayer in the harvest, when favor and providence flow. I know I'm filled to be emptied again, the seed I've received I will sow!

Listening and absorbing that very last line, I believed that God was telling me that this is my seed I've received and I will sow it. So, I prayed. I prayed for a sign, a big billboard one because I'm too loud to hear whispers. I asked God to let me dream that I had a positive pregnancy test if I was in fact pregnant. Guess what?!?! I did dream that!

Waking up at 7am isn't a Deni thing, but it was a God thing, so I did it, I poas (peed on a stick), and it was positive! Then, of course, I couldn't go back to sleep, so I just thanked God!

Monday morning I woke up at 5am, seriously, people, what is going on here?!? I laid in bed for another 1.5 hours, but I was NOT asleep! Boo! But since I woke up, I went and poas again, just for confirmation, and guess what?!?! an even darker line! Good sign! So, I went to a new OB's office Monday morning and had blood drawn to check. My appointment wasn't until 3 o'clock, so I had to wait ALL day! By the time we got to the appointment I was hot, flushed, my bp was high (for me, 120/83), and I was just a mess. I didn't want to hear a super low number, that happened with my last pregnancy, and we all know how that ended! But it wasn't, it was more than double what my level had been with my last pregnancy and a few days earlier in the game.

So, I'm pregnant! I go back tomorrow to have my blood tested again to make sure my numbers are doubling--that's what we're praying for, or more :).

I'm happy, relieved, and excited. Small parts of me tell me not to get too excited, but I'm clinging to the promises of God and knowing that I must stay positive and TRUST Him!

BETA #2...

I had my second beta hcg today. Here's the thing that needs to be stated for a person who is dealing with infertility, we are basket cases all the time. So...Please don't NOT call me all day with my beta results because unlike people who get pregnant easily and everything goes smoothly, who've never even heard an actual beta #, just that they were pregnant and all was well, this might be OK. For an IF or BLM, it is UNACCEPTABLE!!!!

I called the office twice, called my sister crying, who in turn, called the office again for me. They told her that everyone in my OB's office was gone early today. Again, unacceptable. About 20 minutes later the nurse from the office called me back to say that Dr. F had left early and that the results were on his desk, but had not been read or signed off on, so she couldn't get to them. Enter mass hysteria, yep, that would be me, I start crying and can't really breathe, but then I think she notices that I am not a typical OB patient and is very helpful. She asked me to hold and found that there was one doctor still in the office, that she could read it and they could call me back with the results. About 20 minutes later, she did call me back, and said that the doctor had briefly reviewed my chart, looked at my previous beta, and said that this second beta was in fact, excellent! 290 to be exact, which is more than double my first one. Yes, my fingers are still crossed for twinkies! Regardless, this is good news and means that there is at least one baby growing away in there! Next on the agenda, my second and final intralipid infusion, which will take place on Friday. The super fun news about this is that my sister will be in town, so she will go with me, get to see the office, and can entertain me for the 2ish hour infusion. Afterwards, we've already planned a trip to Sprinkles! Hallelujah!

3RD BETA AND 2ND INTRALIPID INFUSION...

So, I forgot to write about this, probably because my sister was in town--Hallelujah!

Last Friday I went back to Dallas and had my second (and final) intralipid infusion. It was great to be back at Dr. S's office because everyone is so nice and were so excited for me! Having my sister there for the infusion was great because I had some entertainment. Nurse J set me up again, and I love her, as she may be the sweetest person ever! Seriously!

My OB wanted a repeat beta hcg, so J drew blood before she got the intralipids going, and the embryologist came back just about an hour and a half later to tell me that it was rising great! She came back later to offer us scones (told you they are sweet!). It made me feel soooo much better having the 'natural killer killers' on board again! It just gives me some peace of mind like my body won't be killing my baby!

So, tomorrow is on to our first ultrasound, and it's at 10am! Then I'll be going to visit Caryn's twins, who will NOT be told when their arrival should be, so they came a day before her scheduled c-section! They are precious (yep, already went and saw them tonight!!). Now, I'm watching the CMAs and wishing they let me pick the winners of all of these categories, and that maybe I could have Keith Urban sing to me everyday in person!!!

FIRST ULTRASOUND...

I'm not sure it could've gone any worse really. Well, that's not true something could've been terribly wrong and overall, the u/s looked normal, my nurse informed me over and over that it looked great, just what they are looking for at this point.

The bad part was how I had no grasp on how going into an ultrasound would affect me. When I woke up yesterday, I started feeling really anxious and the anxiety just grew and grew and grew as the morning wore on. All I could think about was how the majority (all but one) of my ultrasounds with pregnancy have been bad experiences. Then when I got there and Dr. S came in he was so rushed, like I felt like we barely looked around at anything. I didn't get to ask any questions, I felt like something was missing. When I did try to ask him about some medication questions, he just told me to talk to my nurse and rushed out. It was AWFUL!!!! Someone who has been through what I have been through in pregnancy, shouldn't be rushed during an ultrasound ever, I don't think. When I walked out I went in to talk to my nurse, and just burst into tears. She was wonderful and I just told her that ultrasounds stress me out and they are never good, and I wish I had seen more and I just couldn't get it together. She looked at the u/s and told me that that is exactly what they are looking for at this point, she also pointed out the little rice looking thing and said that it wasn't a blighted ovum (which I was scared of b/c it looked empty), and she did help calm me down. However, she told me that at my next u/s with the OB on Monday there may still not be a heartbeat, which seriously people, I just need some good confirmation here, something telling me that everything is ok.

For some people, and I won't say everyone, but for me, having done IVF, I really wanted twins. That's a lie, I've ALWAYS wanted twins, and I thought that that was one great benefit of having to do this stupid IVF was that I could get the twins I've always dreamed of, so when the doctor so confidently told me it was only one and didn't really look around at all, that upset me too. It feels like somewhat of a loss, and I know I'm not alone in this as I've read it on other IVF blogs, but it makes you feel greedy or ungrateful for what you've got, so it double sucks! Thank goodness for good friends who understand this stuff and were so sweet and supportive yesterday.

Today, I'm trying to get back up again. I feel like the wind was knocked out of my sails and all of my optimism went out the door with that horrible u/s experience. Big shout out to Britt for helping me see past today and filling me with hope, and letting me vent the things that other people wouldn't understand!

Peace!

WHY MY PREGNANCY IS NOT LIKE YOURS...(this isn't intended to hurt feelings, but I just won't edit it)...

This is just to be informative. The truth is I know so many pregnant people right now that if I counted I might pass out. Let me state for the eleventy billionth time, I am very happy for everyone, truly I am.

The thing is this though, my pregnancy isn't like yours. Yea that we get to share this special time, and I'm very happy that our children will be the same age, seriously, thought that might never happen, and am thrilled. BUT, when you go to the doctor for a visit, you usually don't get sick at your stomach, or try to avoid all of the baby bumps, or cringe at the conversations about pregnancy. The ultrasound room does NOT terrify you. You see I've had 8 ultrasounds with previous pregnancies, and all but one of them were terrible. Only once did I receive good news, and the rest were awful, you got that, only one. My second pregnancy, 4 ultrasounds, never good news, never a happy moment. Ultrasounds terrify me, so while you post your pictures of them, and you ooh and ahh each time you go, my stomach turns, and I feel like I'm going to pass out. I think Valium should be prescribed for BLMs when they have an u/s, and I'm not joking! Even when you see a good one, you're not convinced the next one will be good, because it never has been.

And I don't need a lecture on how I need to trust God, or how it's hard for everyone, or anything else like that. I am aware of how powerful God is, I know His sovereignty, that doesn't keep me from questioning, it doesn't keep me from hurting, and I believe that He of all people understands that.

My pregnancy isn't like yours because I look at the toilet paper every time I wipe to make sure there's nothing there that might indicate me losing this baby. Each time I do something, even go for a walk that is RE approved, I wonder, could this do something to my baby? BLMs have been told over and over and over again that there is nothing that they did to cause a loss, it never stops you from questioning yourself, just like you mothers out there question each thing you do with your children, we do that about our dead children, and it doesn't go away.

I know that "God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind" (2 Tim 1:7), and I cling to that daily, but sometimes I struggle. I don't need judgment, I need support, and I'm very grateful for the people who are there to give it to me. I'm especially grateful to know other BLMs, and to have such a great husband who is so supportive and lets me talk about how I feel and hugs me a lot!

SCARIEST WEEK YET...

So, I haven't written much about the pregnancy lately, even without posting. I've just been tired and feeling bad, both of which are great signs and make me feel more peaceful actually. It's hard when you've lost a baby before, there isn't a point of peace that I've reached yet. This time around I am way more calm, but this week is a critical week in my mind. Today I am 9 weeks 2 days pregnant. I lost Michael at 8w5d (though we knew things weren't right from much earlier on), and I lost Layla at 9w3d, so you can see where this week is challenging. In pregnancy I've never made it past this week, and while I'm still feeling bad, I don't feel as bad as I did this weekend. My skin had started to clear up some (but is breaking out again, so I'll take that as a good sign), which strangely made me nervous, even though I hate having my skin look a mess! I keep analyzing everything that happens, everything I feel and don't feel. I had my OB's office check my progesterone level on Tuesday, which they did at my request with no problems (I informed them early on that I was going to be high maintenance), and luckily it is very good still at 42! That gave me a little more peace. I have another u/s on Monday, so fingers crossed and prayers lifted for good news then. I think I'll be much more peaceful once I know that we've passed this hurdle!

I've had on my mind lately how hard IVF was and how little people understand it! When I hear the comment "Why don't you just do IVF?" it makes my skin crawl! And it is hard for me to listen to other people complain about their pregnancies and compare pregnancies. Frankly, they aren't the same. If you got in the bed (or on the couch, or the kitchen floor, wherever) and had sex the old fashioned way and made your baby, then our pregnancies aren't the same. If you've never last a baby, our pregnancies aren't the same.

This next part deserves it's own paragraph. If you go into an ultrasound excited to see your little bundle of joy, then ours isn't the same at all. The number of times I've read on a BLM blog, or heard from a BLM that they can't even look at the screen and that they hold their breath until the doctor says something reassuring is overwhelming. Our ultrasounds never become something that is only exciting, we don't just get to plop down and smile brightly and wait to see the goodness that is there. Each time our hearts are terrified, no matter what. We don't need to be told to have faith, believe, or trust God, as we do those things, but the fear still creeps in! We marvel at the pictures that our doctors print out and can't believe that we're looking at a picture of a baby that is still living, we are in awe! We know that it is a miracle, not a privilege, not an everyday occurrence. Not that other people don't realize this too, but I know that the way you view pregnancy changes once you've lost a baby. When you blog and become friends with all of these ladies and know all of these strange things that can happen, you are more acutely aware of how rare it is for all of the things to go correctly and to bring home a healthy baby. So, forgive us when we make snide comments about the mothers who don't value that or treasure every second they have with their child. Don't judge us when we can't stand to see kids being yanked around a store, or when we see a very pregnant woman smoking a cigarette, and want to accost her!

STILL ANXIOUS...

think I worked myself into a migraine last night. I wasn't aware of how stressed I was, but migraines are a clear sign to me and my neck, shoulders, and head are all tense. Still 3 days until I get to make sure everything is good with the baby. Hubby said tonight that my feeling like crap constantly was giving him so mild reassurance, indicating to me that he's pretty anxious too. That actually makes me feel better because I don't feel so crazy!

Praying for peace and calm and for Sat and Sun to distract me from my worries!

UPDATE BEFORE BREAKING THE NEWS...

Things have been going well.  I'm still on pens and needles lots of the time, but being sick a lot does give me some reassurance.  Don't get me wrong I don't enjoy being sick, vomiting, headaches, nausea, the big C (as Andrea refers to it!), breakouts, etc, BUT I am actually grateful each time that I feel bad.  Those who have never lost a baby can't really appreciate that, as sometimes the pains and discomforts of pregnancy seem overwhelming, but for me those things are reminders that baby Trox is baking away in there (hopefully safe and sound and for about 28 more weeks).  I have to add to all of this information that my husband has been such a great trooper throughout all of this.  I am moody, grumpy, and short-tempered and he is rolling with the punches and jumping to do anything that he can to make me feel better!!  I think I'll keep him--FOREVER!!!  So, tomorrow we go for our 5th ultrasound (yep, we're spoiled! Thank you to our new OB, Dr. F, who deals with all of my neurosis and makes me feel sane!), and I believe we'll break the news to the public then!  Though I'm not sure how I'll update about the pregnancy, as I know it's not easy for everyone to read and IF is still part of my life and who I am at this point in my life.  Thank the good Lord our RE figured out the problem and we are well on our way to a healthy baby!

BENEFITS OF A GREAT OB...
There are so many pics of Baby Trox because we have an amazing OB!  I'm grateful to my sweet friend, Michelle, for recommending Dr. Fanning and can't say enough good things about him.  I told him from the word go that I would be high maintenance, and never once has he made me feel bad about that.  He is kind, considerate, encouraging, and spends time with us, each time we are there (which has been 5 times in this first 12 weeks).  Yesterday when we went he attempted to use the doppler to find the heartbeat, which didn't work out, but before he started he told me it could take a little while.  When he didn't find it in the first 90 seconds he quit, acknowledging that each second he looked just raised my heartrate (making it hard to find baby T's), and immediately moved us to do and ultrasound.  His ease and reassurance helped me not worry!  He also told me I could come back in another two weeks, but I said I thought I could handle four weeks!  Then I told him if I freaked out for any reason, and he finished it off with "you'll just call and we'll get you right in!".  I'm so grateful, so grateful for my great RE in Dallas and his amazing staff, for our little plum growing away and reminding me that he/she is there, and for our great OB who is making this much easier!  I'm also more grateful than can be put into words for the love and support of all of our friends and family, who continuously pray for us, and encourage us!!