Perhaps this should be written at a later date, but I think I will capitalize on the fact that it’s still so fresh. I think that adoption is beautiful; I
believe it to be an amazing gift to both the child and the families involved.
Many people enter into it without being fully aware of all of the ramifications, believing that it
will be magical. Years ago I
became friends with Rachael through this very blog and I remember telling her
that adoption was not for the faint of heart, she’s reminded me of that a few
times considering she’s done it 3 times now (seriously amazing), and the process has been rough on her each time! Why some people have an easy perfect
process and why some are a muttle of clustered dog poop is beyond me, but
that’s the facts y’all! The adoption process can be so hard and so ugly.
My son is the most magical little boy on the planet, don’t
ask me just ask his MDO teachers, he is seriously amazing and worth every tear, every night of lost sleep, every ounce of anxiety. The problem is the
laws governing adoption and the crap that is allowed that doesn’t focus on the well
being of the child. I’m not in support the old school practice of taking a baby before the mother has ever seen it and
treating her like a pariah, but the converse is what we are finding in modern
adoption at times. Adoptive
families are looked upon like predators who want to steal babies from poor sad
mothers who are struggling.
Neither is the case and neither is right! (Yes, I am aware that some mothers have actually had
children stolen from them and placed for adoption for monetary gain, that is a
crime I can’t speak about without seeing red).
I have a friend who has two adopted daughters and has a
relationship with both birth mothers that are different but good. I have another friend who just had her
son’s second birthday and his birth mother was at his party. Theirs is a relationship for the books
seriously, she should be writing about the beauty there. They have a very special relationship with their second son's family also, fully of love and humor, and the kind of support you would not believe.
There are others whose stories have
played out like made for TV dramas for the adoptive parents. I won’t go into massive detail about
our adoption simply because that is my son’s story, and its his to tell in his
own time if he chooses. What I
will say is that our legal system failed him, they failed him for 2 years and
that started with our original attorney who matched us (for which I will be
forever grateful), but his handling of the entire “case” was done poorly and
sent us down a road that I do not believe ever should have happened. We have witnessed miracle after miracle
in our case, which I will share over time! What is truly wrong is that the system
is so concerned with reunification even when it is literally not a possibility
leaving children in limbo, or returns them to horrific environments that
they beg not to go back to. This
is not hypothetical, an acquaintance of mine told me her story of fostering and how
no one involved in their case ever once put the children’s well being or best
interest first. They returned them
to a home that the children begged not to go back to, where the caseworkers had seen
the situations and literally lied under oath. Personally, I walked into
the DCFS office to find the worker half asleep and about as empathetic as a statue. She failed in her
job, literally snapped at me repeatedly, and never once offered any kind of
sympathy. My opinion happens to be if your
job entitles handling the welfare of children you should possess at least an
ounce of compassion.
My child wasn’t taken from his mother without her knowledge
or consent, but we were treated as if such had happened. Truth is we had never met her. She
never requested it, so neither did we. It may be that she requested it and we
weren’t informed, that’s actually possible considering the circumstances
prior to his birth, but I digress.
The fact is that we brought him home from the hospital and raised him
exactly how we raised our daughter from day 1, and despite what the laws specifically state we were forced to jump through hoops for two years and thirteen days to be exact.
What adoption has taught me this time around (search blog for adoption scam to see previous attempt) is how bad true anxiety really is. I’m not one to smirk at mental health
issues I know they’re real. I can tell you the gamut
of feelings of infertility treatment, but I did not realize previously that a lot of my responses were due to anxiety. I did not understand it or how bad anxiety could truly be day in and day out. I am going to try and sum
up how I felt as it built for two solid years, though it is hard to encompass all of it.
Anxiety starts very slow, it is a minor gnawing that makes
you perhaps a little cranky, but you think nothing of it because perhaps its
your time of the month or someone in your home irritated the snot out of you. Then it grows and it’s
a constant state of worry, worrying over tiny aspects of things you could never control or predict. Once it has
grown full blown, it can make you never want to leave your house because you are
concerned about any myriad of things.
It steals your sleep, your concentration, and your joy (if you let it, and
at times I have). The thing is though, it is under the surface, gnawing
beneath your skin and making you crawl on the inside, but on the outside you
look like a normal happy human.
Those closest to you will see the difference and they’ll ask you about
it and if you know you can trust them, you will share the dark recesses of your
mind and they won’t judge you, they will listen with only compassion. If it’s someone you don’t trust you’ll
talk about how you haven’t slept because A, B, and C (all things that anyone
would experience), but you will be lying through your teeth. Energy will be something of the past
and you will stop the things you once loved, like running, or working out, or
cooking most days. You will try to
sleep anytime you possibly can because you might not sleep tonight. You’ll find yourself grasping at words
that you can see but not say and then you’ll freak out because you’re a speech
pathologist and what if you’re having a stroke?? Weight gain will creep on you because of the previously
noted lack of energy, which only makes you feel worse and look duller or what
some say looks ‘sad’. When it’s an
adoption these things will possibly happen to your husband in tandem, and that
will be brutal on your marriage, but it will also be something that binds you
together because they are the only human who remotely can sympathize with how
you feel. Anxiety expresses itself in a myriad of ways, depression, anger, lethargy, excessive poorly dispersed energy (that accomplishes very little), and crying to name a few.
I could probably go on and on and I will likely post more
about that one day, but plain and simple…. Anxiety is a witch with a capital B!
My experience with the adoption process (note process not adoption as a whole) was brutal, beautiful, unkind, miraculous, hard fought, and not completely uncommon. I know plenty of people who have had wonderful experiences,
more than not, so don’t let this dissuade you, but also know that the ones who
have bad experiences rarely talk about it, because like infertility that’s
something to ‘keep in your private group or something’.