This day for most people is tax day, and will always be tax day. April 15th for me is and always will be Layla's due date. I didn't think that this year it would affect me nearly as badly as it did last year, and though not as badly, it was still quite painful. It's painful because you are generally the only one who remembers. Sean had not a clue and couldn't figure out why I was so blue, and I didn't divulge any info, as sometimes I just can't get the words out AGAIN!!!!
Infertility and miscarriage are words that are part of my personal definition. They are painful, unwanted, and soul-crushing. To be infertile means that you as a woman are unable to do the thing that you, as a woman, were born to do. With this crushing blow to one's self-esteem comes unfathomable grief. This grief doesn't end, not that grief ever ends when you lose someone, but that is final, the person is gone, and you don't expect them to return. While with infertility, there is always a glimmer of hope lingering in the background, that maybe, just maybe, whatever was 'wrong' will correct and you will finally be able to do that one thing your body was meant to do. One blogger had her husband guest-post recently, and he said "Grief is the second most traumatic experience you can go through." It is true there are so many things that infertility touches, from your privacy, to your routines, to your friendships, your marriage, your self esteem, your view of your place in the world, your faith, your sleep, your social interactions, your work, your emotions,your dreams, your self worth, and it list goes on and on and on and on... For most people who have dealt with true infertility, the feeling never fully escapes you, it never leaves you completely, you are never free from that stigma, and the pain is never erased. Even if children to come, and you "overcome" infertility, it continues to affect you, as a friend of mine shows all the time, when she feels the injustice of people who don't want children continuing to have them. Another friend has since adopted and wouldn't trade her daughter for a single thing in the world, even a biological child, but couldn't stay at a baby shower last year. Infertility does not come and go, it isn't an easy fix and it has psychological ramifications that are far beyond what those who don't experience it will ever dream to understand.
I will say that I am so eternally grateful to my fellow blogger friends who've suffered through infertility and loss, for without you I wouldn't continue to put one foot in front of the other each day, you are my gifts from God. For my friends who do not understand it, have not experienced it, yet have the grace and nerve to ask me about it, and then TRULY listen, I am very grateful for you as well, and I hope I've told you that.
Today I miss Layla, I miss the innocense that I had in that first pregnancy before I saw a baby with no heartbeat completely still on that screen that day in September 2008. Thank you Nan for remembering my day with me and for honoring Layla with your sweet gift, I'm so grateful we both love butterflies like we do!!! The photo above is a candle that Nan sent me for Layla's EDD, so I lit it and sang 'happy birthday' to my girl.
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