NIAW 2017

I've been told before that my infertility jokes, memes, shares, complaints, etc would be better shared in a private group. My response wasn't a positive one. Basically, to me that said either...
1. I'm making too big of a deal out of this
2. People are tired of hearing it
3. My talking about it was making someone uncomfortable.

To that I have lots of choice words, but it boils down to this...people don't understand what they're not educated about. I will not be quiet about it or share only in private groups, because my sharing helps others open up about their own struggles. My mentioning diagnoses or treatments or alternatives may help someone else to...
1. Not feel alone
2. Get adequate care
3. Have a baby of their own
4. Know how to support someone in their life who is struggling with infertility.

So basically, I don't plan to ever be quiet about it.

I have two children, one through fertility treatment and one through adoption. I've lost two babies, suffered an adoption scam, found a diagnosis that many REs don't believe in, treated it and had a baby, then tried again and failed 3 times, and finally adopted through a very long, hard, emotionally draining process. I believe God has allowed these things in my life because He can and will use them. I hope He helps people not give up, to look for answers, to try new things, to seek support, and to share their struggles when they hear my story. Helping others through this gives the lives of my first two children, who died in my womb, meaning. It is part of my healing.

In the end the truth is, I am still infertile. My dream was always to have 3 children, my husband's was to have 5, so we had compromised on 4. Infertility seems to be determining my family instead of our dreams and our hearts and our deep capacity for love. We are still infertile and we still feel like our family isn't complete.

That doesn't mean we are not grateful. It does not mean we don't know what miracles our two children are, because when you know everything it takes to have a healthy baby, you are WELL aware of what a miracle every single baby truly is here on earth! It doesn't mean I'm not happy or satisfied with the children I have, believe me, these two are the absolute light of my every day. I find myself thanking Him for them multiple times per day, every.single.day!

I had one of my IF friends say she was trying for another baby and she felt greedy, or ungrateful. I find that sad, and unfair. Would she feel greedy if she were able to get pregnant easily? Likely not, she would just try again and be thrilled when she got a positive test. Personally, I won't rest until infertility is no longer taboo, until those of us who have a hard time and want more kids don't feel guilty, until no one tells you that it's better discussed in a private group, until insurance covers treatment because a medical diagnosis isn't "optional", and until I feel like everyone I come across who suffers from infertility knows that they have love and support somewhere!

*It should be noted that treatment for infertility, even with a known medical diagnosis is not covered by the insurance that we are required by law to carry. However, this insurance does cover the 'morning after pill' and viagra. Someone explain how neither of those are "optional"???

If you or someone you know is struggling to have a baby, if you've experienced loss, if you need support, please contact me and I'll help you find resources. If you want to join a FB support group of women in your position, contact me, I would love to add you to our group!

#IAm1in8 #NIAW2017 #infertilityawareness #listenup

Deni

Thankful for poop on the floor!

I'm a fairly happy person and tend to be very optimistic. When in the depths of our infertility struggle though, I was dark. Life felt dark and lonely and crushing. It felt like a place you may never recover from. Those feelings can be brought back up for me, and while some might think it a curse and something to move on from, I find it to be a blessing. It's impossible not to empathize with someone in pain when you can feel those feelings. My prayer in my losses was and is always for God to bring good from it, for me to find the Beauty through the Suffering.

This morning I cleaned poop off the floor that did not, in fact, come from my dogs, yep, that means a tiny little human took off his diaper and pooped in the corner (we won't even discuss what this means for his refusal to wear big boy underwear lately). While doing this I thought about the years I cried on my bathroom floor begging for the things that made other people insane. I thought about a friend who is experiencing her third loss and my heart hurt for her deeper than words can say.

I'm certainly not this enlightened always, but this morning as I scrubbed up poop, I thanked God for giving me a crazy, wild, stubborn, hilarious, and devastatingly cute boy to poop on the floor! That ache that can devour you when you're in the trenches of dreaming for a child returned briefly to remind me how very blessed I am to live this life, to be mommy to these two amazing kiddos! I also now understand that crazy making that kids bring with them, and some days it wins, but overall my gratitude is much much much greater!

Please know if you're drowning in the sorrow of infertility that God can and will make something beautiful from it in time. Also know that your feelings are valid, normal, and real, no matter how ugly, how dark, how sad, or how terrible they seem! Feel them, live them, and find someone you can share them with that won't judge or try to fix it. (If you don't have anyone...contact me, I'll be happy to support you!)

"Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly, and if left unresolved you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place." Wm. Paul Young

My kids hate pants

Really my son hates clothes in general and would prefer to be naked at all times. Strangely enough when he is getting dressed he's quite opinionated about what he's wearing. My daughter started that early on and sometimes we have fights about it, though usually I just let her wear whatever or convince her something might be better. With a son I wasn't prepared for such an opinion on clothes so early! This kid! He keeps me on my toes y'all!

This weekend we were struck by a stomach bug, which was super crappy because it made us miss a birthday party that we were all looking forward too. But it did allow for the kids to remain mostly in no pants for the weekend.

Sometimes you need a good no pants, or at least no dress code required weekend to just not leave the house at all. It would've been much more fun without the sickness that caused it though! Both kids seem to be on the mend and I finally ate something and didn't feel sick afterwards so here's hoping this week starts off on the right foot!

What it has given me is a great amount of time for browsing Pinterest, so meals are planned for the week as are some pretty fun movie nights for the family in the near future! Have any great movie night traditions you like??? Please share!


Deni

Finalization Gratitude

It's really hard to put into words what our adoption finalization felt like, but Foxy seemed to nail it when he said "I feel like I just ran a marathon and I'm exhausted". We each literally felt like we lost hundreds of pounds that day (wish at least a few would've actually fallen off). We felt light, elated, and relieved!

The most magnanimous part of that day was the fact that so many people showed up to celebrate this event. These weren't a bunch of stay-at-home-mom's who could drop things and be there (I hear the collective eye roll from the SAHMs and know I'm being totally facetious). These friends and family took hours (or the day) off work, got sitters for kids, and rearranged their lives that day because they knew how important it was to us. Photos from that day will always remind me of how much love and support we have had throughout this entire process. (Thank you Leah Rea for the pictures)!! Also very special to us that day was our attorney asking our pastor to pray after the papers were signed and before we left that courtroom. I didn't cry that day, but my eyes are brimming with tears now as I remember how beautiful that was to start a fresh page in our family.

So...more than I can put into words, thank you to everyone who stood by us, tolerated me, and loved our son fiercely through this two year journey. I would not have survived without those of you who let me vent, cry, and laugh when I needed it most. Blessed seems too small of a word to cover how we feel!

THANK YOU!

I know not everyone could be there and I have zero, zero hard feelings for anyone that couldn't be there. It is highly possible I forgot to inform people and for that I apologize.

Children are Off Limits

This election cycle has been shameful in many ways. It was ugly and unkind on all fronts. No one was innocent, and I don't even care to debate who said what or anything else.

What I do want to address is the digs that have been made at children, not only in this election cycle but always. The first children always end up being targeted and I've never thought it kind, but I didn't have kids until the Obama girls were in the White House. That changes things for me, to understand what a parent would feel when their child is targeted. I didn't see a lot said about the girls, the one thing I remember was something about them twerking and accusing them of smoking weed. I can't even remember if it was both or one of them. What I do remember thinking was no one would be paying a bit of attention if they weren't the President's kids and I personally didn't share it or get involved.

I have seen way too many things said about Barron Trump and I have always believed kids should be left out! Sasha and Malia, Barron, Chelsea, none of these kids had ANY say in what their parents chose as careers, nor things that have come out of their mouths and every single one of them has said things that are shameful. That does NOT give anyone the right to free reign on innocent children.

How far have we sunk as a society when our humor is found in starting rumors about children and making fun of them for their skin, their clothing, their hair, their demeanor?!? Seriously, how many of us would handle ourselves better in the situation? I'm a Chatty Cathy when I'm uncomfortable, and I also laugh inappropriately, which I've seen none of these kids do. They've all handled this better than I would assume I could and certainly would have at their age!

I thank the Lord daily that social media didn't spike until I was out of college. Things most of us and our parents and older generations experienced in the privacy of our small circle of friends is getting blasted all over social media and we don't even see how wrong that is!

Here is the bottom line...

CHILDREN ARE OFF LIMITS!

Stop bullying, stop bullying one another, stop bullying period! We all tend to get a lot of courage behind a screen where no one can touch us or see our faces. Let's show decency even when it's not required!

And heaven help me if anyone comes after my kids...I wouldn't have the grace these parents have demonstrated!

#TBT...I feel like I have tears to cry

***Post originally written in 2014***

But none of them are falling. My heart feels both broken and alive at once. You see when you lose babies your life never feels exactly complete without them with you, for they've taken a piece of you with them, literally, your blood, your oxygen, your DNA, and it's a void. Then there's the beauty of life after that which in some cases is blessed with a child or children. There's a fullness there that could honestly make your heart burst right out of your chest, a love so deep, so wide, so strong, and so beautiful that you wonder if you ever really saw a rainbow before them. The catch twenty-two to this is it is almost as if you would never have seen that rainbow so bright without the storm that proceeded it.

In having my baby that lives with me day in and day out, I find that it makes me miss what was before, makes me wonder, makes me wax nostalgic, making my heart skip a beat at times when there is a child the same age that mine would be. Getting to see the beauty in the magnificent face I see every day makes me wish there was more. Sometimes it is about the more before her and sometimes it is about the possibility of more after her. 

So we stand here in this chasm of complete JOY, because she is JOY personified, and complete emptiness of what could be, what should be, what would have been. As we stand all we continue to hear is "wait". I have never been known for my overwhelming patience, and when all you can feel is "wait", that's hard to swallow and hold onto. That's the thing about faith though, it often says "wait" and sometimes we mistake that or ignore that and bring more grief upon ourselves than God ever intended or than we were ever meant to bear. 

That being being said, I sit tonight and I "wait" and in the same stillness, the same holding pattern, I live my life without abandon in regards to the love I lavish on my child and my heart feels amazingly full. How strange a thing to feel empty and full simultaneously. How hard it is for a mother's love to be split between the seen and the unseen. How strange a world we live in where some people know exactly how this feels and some might think me mad. 

Makes me want to write a country song, or maybe that was the binge watching of Nashville that I just finished! 

My Feelings on Adoption and Anxiety

Perhaps this should be written at a later date, but I think I will capitalize on the fact that it’s still so fresh.  I think that adoption is beautiful; I believe it to be an amazing gift to both the child and the families involved.   

Many people enter into it without being fully aware of all of the ramifications, believing that it will be magical.  Years ago I became friends with Rachael through this very blog and I remember telling her that adoption was not for the faint of heart, she’s reminded me of that a few times considering she’s done it 3 times now (seriously amazing), and the process has been rough on her each time!  Why some people have an easy perfect process and why some are a muttle of clustered dog poop is beyond me, but that’s the facts y’all!  The adoption process can be so hard and so ugly.

My son is the most magical little boy on the planet, don’t ask me just ask his MDO teachers, he is seriously amazing and worth every tear, every night of lost sleep, every ounce of anxiety.  The problem is the laws governing adoption and the crap that is allowed that doesn’t focus on the well being of the child.  I’m not in support the old school practice of taking a baby before the mother has ever seen it and treating her like a pariah, but the converse is what we are finding in modern adoption at times.  Adoptive families are looked upon like predators who want to steal babies from poor sad mothers who are struggling.  Neither is the case and neither is right!  (Yes, I am aware that some mothers have actually had children stolen from them and placed for adoption for monetary gain, that is a crime I can’t speak about without seeing red).

I have a friend who has two adopted daughters and has a relationship with both birth mothers that are different but good.  I have another friend who just had her son’s second birthday and his birth mother was at his party.  Theirs is a relationship for the books seriously, she should be writing about the beauty there.  They have a very special relationship with their second son's family also, fully of love and humor, and the kind of support you would not believe. 

There are others whose stories have played out like made for TV dramas for the adoptive parents.  I won’t go into massive detail about our adoption simply because that is my son’s story, and its his to tell in his own time if he chooses.  What I will say is that our legal system failed him, they failed him for 2 years and that started with our original attorney who matched us (for which I will be forever grateful), but his handling of the entire “case” was done poorly and sent us down a road that I do not believe ever should have happened.  We have witnessed miracle after miracle in our case, which I will share over time!  What is truly wrong is that the system is so concerned with reunification even when it is literally not a possibility leaving children in limbo, or returns them to horrific environments that they beg not to go back to.  This is not hypothetical, an acquaintance of mine told me her story of fostering and how no one involved in their case ever once put the children’s well being or best interest first.  They returned them to a home that the children begged not to go back to, where the caseworkers had seen the situations and literally lied under oath.  Personally, I walked into the DCFS office to find the worker half asleep and about as empathetic as a statue.  She failed in her job, literally snapped at me repeatedly, and never once offered any kind of sympathy.  My opinion happens to be if your job entitles handling the welfare of children you should possess at least an ounce of compassion.  

My child wasn’t taken from his mother without her knowledge or consent, but we were treated as if such had happened.  Truth is we had never met her.  She never requested it, so neither did we. It may be that she requested it and we weren’t informed, that’s actually possible considering the circumstances prior to his birth, but I digress.  The fact is that we brought him home from the hospital and raised him exactly how we raised our daughter from day 1, and despite what the laws specifically state we were forced to jump through hoops for two years and thirteen days to be exact. 

What adoption has taught me this time around (search blog for adoption scam to see previous attempt) is how bad true anxiety really is.  I’m not one to smirk at mental health issues I know they’re real.  I can tell you the gamut of feelings of infertility treatment, but I did not realize previously that a lot of my responses were due to anxiety.  I did not understand it or how bad anxiety could truly be day in and day out.  I am going to try and sum up how I felt as it built for two solid years, though it is hard to encompass all of it.

Anxiety starts very slow, it is a minor gnawing that makes you perhaps a little cranky, but you think nothing of it because perhaps its your time of the month or someone in your home irritated the snot out of you.  Then it grows and it’s a constant state of worry, worrying over tiny aspects of things you could never control or predict.  Once it has grown full blown, it can make you never want to leave your house because you are concerned about any myriad of things.  It steals your sleep, your concentration, and your joy (if you let it, and at times I have).  The thing is though, it is under the surface, gnawing beneath your skin and making you crawl on the inside, but on the outside you look like a normal happy human.  Those closest to you will see the difference and they’ll ask you about it and if you know you can trust them, you will share the dark recesses of your mind and they won’t judge you, they will listen with only compassion.  If it’s someone you don’t trust you’ll talk about how you haven’t slept because A, B, and C (all things that anyone would experience), but you will be lying through your teeth.  Energy will be something of the past and you will stop the things you once loved, like running, or working out, or cooking most days.  You will try to sleep anytime you possibly can because you might not sleep tonight.  You’ll find yourself grasping at words that you can see but not say and then you’ll freak out because you’re a speech pathologist and what if you’re having a stroke??  Weight gain will creep on you because of the previously noted lack of energy, which only makes you feel worse and look duller or what some say looks ‘sad’.  When it’s an adoption these things will possibly happen to your husband in tandem, and that will be brutal on your marriage, but it will also be something that binds you together because they are the only human who remotely can sympathize with how you feel.  Anxiety expresses itself in a myriad of ways, depression, anger, lethargy, excessive poorly dispersed energy (that accomplishes very little), and crying to name a few.

I could probably go on and on and I will likely post more about that one day, but plain and simple…. Anxiety is a witch with a capital B!

My experience with the adoption process (note process not adoption as a whole) was brutal, beautiful, unkind, miraculous, hard fought, and not completely uncommon.  I know plenty of people who have had wonderful experiences, more than not, so don’t let this dissuade you, but also know that the ones who have bad experiences rarely talk about it, because like infertility that’s something to ‘keep in your private group or something’.

Oceans

Many of you probably know the song Oceans by Hillsong, if you don't here's a link.

God communicates with me through music. It is how I worship most fully and feel the most connected to him. Foxy feels it in nature, I feel it in music. Many times on Sunday mornings I'll have tears streaming down my face because I feel Him so strongly in those moments.

When we were approached about adopting #BIT we had been quite burned by adoption and were not in the process at the time. In fact, we were planning on doing another IVF cycle within the next 6 months. This kinda struck us even though we had passed on an adoption a few months before. That time had a PTSD moment and basically cried like a wild animal that I couldn't do that again. Obviously the difference with B was that God ordained his adoption long before we imagined it. Where does music come into this? No, I'm not just rambling!

In certain seasons of my life I feel like God gives me "anthems" if you will. Songs to cling to for a time, songs that hold my heart when I cannot hold it myself. The Sunday after we were told about B "Oceans" was done during worship. I had heard the song before but that morning tears just flowed like a waterfall, I could not contain them. And I KNEW, I just knew that this little boy was meant to be ours. Little did I know this anthem would hold my heart for over two years and keep my feet on the ground and hold me upright more times than I could count.

One of the blessings of this rough time period was that I got to see Hillsong in concert with some dear girlfriends who were walking my journey alongside me. In beginning moments of that song I was not sure I would be able to stand up, my anxiety and grief at the way this process had been dragging was so profound that I felt like I might drown in an ocean of despair. Again and again God used this song with these lyrics to speak so many things to my soul.

What I love immensely about God is that He can handle all of us. Praise Him for that, because there were times I was pathetic, angry, unreasonable, and hateful. I felt utmost gratitude that it was not directed at Him as it had been after my miscarriages, but I knew even if it was He could handle it because he had held me through that before.

Tonight my sweet boy was needing lots of extra snuggles, which I gladly obliged, and he spouted off his usual song requests...Twinkle, Sunshine, Sunshine again and again. I asked him if he wanted to hear Oceans and he said "yeah Oceans". So I sang it and then he asked for it again and again and I held him so tight thinking of the journey we had traveled to be right where we are now, where my precious little boy could request the song that carried us through this trying time. I cried and tears ran down my face and onto his sweet head and I wondered if he would ever know just how much I loved him and how deep that love runs?

Through the past two years I struggled to keep my eyes on God. He was aware and He continually put people in my path to encourage me and that list is so long! I am beyond grateful! He also called me to do something I said I would never do, which was get a tattoo, or maybe He meant something else...only time will tell. I prayed over the idea for well over a year and one day saw a tattoo idea that I fell in love with because it said simply...Spirit Lead Me. Now it sits permanently on my wrist as a daily reminder to follow Him and not my wild thoughts. One day I'll tell B the story and hopefully he will follow God in all that he does. That is my biggest prayer, that my children love God above all else and love others as themselves.

Deni

Simple Pleasures

I'm sure what you consider simple pleasures changes with each stage of your life, but for now this is what life is all about...

On Fridays we get ICEEs after school.  If you're not from the south or have not clue what I'm talking about think slurpee but 100 million times better! We happily refer to it as ICEE Friday and the kids look forward to it, however, today it read 32* when I picked #SugarC up from school and I wasn't feeling very ICEE Friday.  Luckily, she's easily swayed to hot chocolate and we got to head home and enjoy that with one of my besties and her crew.  There's really nothing better than playing makeup (the grown ups) while you listen to kids squeal together in the other room!  My friend came bearing a take and bake pizza for which I was very grateful and we devoured for dinner.  Pizza is #Foxy's favorite and work was a doozie today, so he appreciated pizza and beer on standby at his arrival!

#SugarC and #BIT and I watched "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" (holla to my long time love, Johnny Depp), ate pizza, and snuggled on the couch.  Life is fleeting and you never know when life will change dramatically, so I am soaking up these moments like the bread soaked up my Shrimp Lafayette sauce at dinner last night at #ForbingIceHouse, which exceeded my expectations on every level...totally check it out if you're local or visiting!

After the kids went to bed #Foxy and I got some time to actually visit and share our days, take the lights off the Christmas tree (yes it was still up, today is Epiphany that's when ours comes down), and just breathe, which doesn't happen every night.

We thought the kids were long asleep when we hear the girl "Mooommmm"!  She asks for water and as I leave the room she said "mommy I love you pigtail", and that is how I know she's my daughter.  I'm telling this to Foxy as I'm walking back to her room with water.  When I go into her room she asks if she can take off her shirt to sleep, no she doesn't want a nightgown.  I inform her this isn't a nudist colony, much to her brother's chagrin, and that it's in the 20s outside she needs to sleep in clothes.  She giggles and pulls the covers down and says "I don't have on any pants"!  AND that is how I know she's her daddy's daughter! These kids crack me up and wear me out and make the days so full!

A dear friend of mine lost her 2 month old baby yesterday, please lift their family in prayer and hug the ones you love a little tighter and appreciate even the moments when your two year old throws his fork (PTL it was plastic) at your face because you never know what tomorrow may bring.

Mommy...#repeat100times

So my son has this awesome habit of screaming my name over and over and over again from the back seat. And it is SO loud. He will literally do it over and over and I say what and he may just smile or mumble something and within 10 seconds of silence he's back at it. He was doing this today and my sweet husband looks at me starts cracking up and says "this will never get old to me"! He's sadistic! 😂😂

In truth I waited so many years to hear that word that I'm in bed almost asleep remembering it and laughing to myself!


Deni

I'm BA-ACK!!!!!

I haven’t been blogging for years, but I’m ready to jump back in, rather I’ve been ready, but just could not for various reasons that I’ll likely get into later.  This blog has always been about infertility and I’ve never wanted to share kids on here because well, that can be painful when you are in the trenches; however, life has changed a lot, I’ve changed a lot and I have a ton to say, not just about infertility, though that will always be close to my heart.

Since I last wrote we have adopted a son, fought a two-year battle to have his adoption finalized, and caused me more anxiety than I ever understood.  I’ve had marital ups and downs with lots of crazy growth there.  We have a new dog that we rescued, we have zero cats.  My daughter who was conceived via IVF has not only gone to preschool but is now in Kindergarten.  I started an infertility group that began meeting IRL, but now is all online, though we try to meet up for dinner sometimes, schedules don’t seem to be cooperating with us lately.  The group started with just a few people and is over 200 now, where a lot of babies have been born and some have been lost.  That community has been a life-line to me and I hope it’s giving back as much as it’s giving.  Having that and getting to interact there and share, it's like I always keep a piece of Layla and Michael alive. 

We have moved from Texas back to Louisiana WOO HOO!!!  I have delved into a network marketing business and done something I was always terrified of, which is sales.  I’m with a new company that focuses on clean products and getting chemicals eliminated from our self-care products, which is huge.  I actually found out today that when the company started only 11 chemicals were banned from makeup and skincare and with the help of our company it is now up to 30!!!!  Still such a long way to go, but progress is always good! 

I want to share beauty products here, but that won’t be my main goal.  My main goal will be to share about life and how perhaps what we thought was the fairy tale really wasn’t at all.  I’ve always been real here and life is a beautiful ride, but it is in fact, quite the ride.   I want to share hilarious things my kids say and do because seriously those fools are so funny!  No doubt I’ll talk about marriage, friendship, small groups, and motherhood, life, those are the things I want to talk about, the nitty gritty thing about life and love and loss and struggle and laughter and hope.  All of it. 

I hope you’ll continue to join me here periodically.  Writing is and has always been so cathartic to me, so I hope I can make you laugh, make you think, and make you feel visible in a world where it’s easy to feel invisible!

Remembrance Day

On this day every year there is a "gathering" of BLMs who take time to remember those babies we've lost. Typically I participate, change my profile picture and post here. Today I did not. I didn't change my profile picture or light candles or do anything in remembrance. 

The thing is there's rarely a day that goes by that I don't think of the two tiny beings that I held in my womb for 9wks 3days and 8w5d. Somehow in each day those babies, MY babies cross my mind. It's strange because grief can dwindle and you begin to think you're fine, but grief never disappears, it just lurks and hides until one day it knocks you on your backside again. Typically, I don't even recognize it at first, it's like an encidious smoke that begins to fill the air until it chokes you out. That's how it feels. That's how I feel sometimes. The invasion that comes seems to happen less frequently now, but that's what almost makes it worse. When grief is an all-consuming constant you know it is there and you accept it's presence. Appearing to leave and then creeping back in so slyly, it catches you off-guard, unaware, and unprepared to cope. 

For anyone who has lost a child this cycle is an ugly dance you're forced to dance forever. I hate that anyone I love knows or understands it, but I'm grateful for the blessings that have risen from the ashes of my loss and the friendships that have occurred with people who truly understand this "dance". 

Happiness is not at all void in your life just because grief is present.  Happiness and joy cloak me daily. I choose them both constantly and can't help but embrace them daily in my rainbow. Thank goodness there is joy, laughter, and happiness after the storm! Thank God for rainbows! 

Still infertile

This post has been brewing for quite a while and so it will probably be all over the place, but here goes...

Some people may feel or believe or actually live that fertility is healed once you have a baby. And while a long present void is filled, that doesn't always make it "all better". Not everyone's body "now knows what to do" and so they miraculously get pregnant and their own. Some people do and that's amazing and wonderful for them, in fact, I'm quite jealous of those people, as I'd think they would be of me were the rolls reversed. 

However, for us, we did IVF in Oct of 2010 and had 8 embryos. We assumed we would end up with 3-4 children from those embryos. We were wrong. We have one child and no more embryos and the sting of infertility is fresh and painful and hard to navigate once again. The added pressure is that now we are not only concerned with the two of us, but we have a child who has mentioned siblings. She isn't flat out asking, but one night a few weeks ago as we left her best friends house I said in jest to my husband "who needs a sister when you have a best friend like that?" And from the back seat Sugar pipes "me! I do!". Talk about ripping at your heart. If you only knew sweet girl, if you only knew. And one day she will! We have always intended on being fully honest with her about our fertility struggles, but for now she's too young. 

So we face infertility still and it's difficult. It is particularly difficult when so many people who had babies around the same time as me have already had another baby or are about to. I don't begrudge them, the truth is I'm just jealous. I know the amazing blessing of a baby and I want that again. 

Only this time to face another full IVF cycle does not feel right. It does not feel peaceful and I do not have a sense of calm about it. I have said enough times that God gives you a gut instinct for a reason and I intend to follow this one for now. He may have something else planned for us and He may just be saying "wait" vs "no", but I believe had I listened to my gut even with our adoption attempt that the outcome would've been different. We both would've walked away early on and the toll might not have been so great on my heart. So I don't intend to push this agenda. 

That being said, not pushing my agenda and not immediately going for another full IVF and not knowing if we will ever have more children is a very hard place to be in and it is weighing heavy on my heart at times. Some days I am completely happy and at peace and know that I am Held by God. Some days I'm just as human as can be and I struggle and I'm sad and I question and I fight with God because I don't understand. However, I'm well aware that it's not for us to all understand. 

My second due date was December 31st  2009. I cannot help but think that I should be planning a 4th birthday party. Maybe a frosty the snowman theme with a hot chocolate bar? Maybe it would be ninja turtles or princesses? I'll never know and there are days that makes me very sad. 

I am also eternally grateful because I get to see the wonder in the eyes of a 2 year old this year and watch how magical this time of year should always be. I never want anyone to think I'm not grateful or happy, it's just that my life is a dichotomy always with babies in heaven and one blessing here with me! 

The holidays are such a blessing but also seem to bring to light even more those who are missing. My heart goes out to all of you who are missing a mother, brother, father, grandparent, sister, friend, or child this season. May God's spirit fill you with the peace that they are celebrating in the most grand style possible! I hope we can all use this holiday season to look at each other through the eyes of God and know that what you see is never all of someone's story.  If someone is short or unkind to you, if someone refuses to smile, to share your ideas, or to participate in things the way you feel they should, may we demonstrate Grace and Love because we have no clue where their hearts are currently! 

Infertility is cruel

Tonight I'm just upset for a friend who has been kicked in the teeth too many times to count when it comes to infertility. The question so many infertiles ask, "Why doesn't God want me to be a mommy?" is one that rips at the heart of those of us who have been there. We have felt it. We have wondered what we ever did wrong. What could we do different? Do better? Do less? Do more? 

It's so hard to understand why some people struggle so much to have just one child, while others have "accident" babies, and babies they don't even want so frequently. 

In a small group recently someone asked what would be the first question you'd like to ask God? My answer came immediately...Why is it so hard for some people to have babies and not others? 

I believe with all I am that God brings beauty from ashes, through our suffering, but it's just so hard to see sometimes! 

Melancholy

I have had a nagging feeling lately that I couldn't pinpoint until today...it's melancholy. I'm not sad, I'm not upset. I'm actually happy, but there is an underlying melancholy that is there.

The thing is, this feeling seems as though it happens to me when I'm not aware at all! Truly it feels like something that "happens" to me, almost like getting sick, it's as if you can feel it coming on, but you cannot prevent it. 

You see, last year at this time I was in the wait after an FET. We didn't publicize this, which may seem strange as open as I am with our journey, but we didn't and that was best for us then. What I didn't realize then was just how sad I was at the time. I guess I suppressed it and ignored the emotions. Recently I've been thinking a lot about that cycle, I assume because it's been a year. 

What happened then was that the cycle was rushed, I wasn't able to take the rest that I needed afterwards. Then the stomach virus fell on our house and it hit me so hard that I ended up in the ER. So kindly the doc did a beta (without us asking, or indicating a need), which he informed my husband was negative. So I'm writhing in pain from sickness, bleeding esophagus, and misery across the board, then I hear that my beta is negative. Talk about a BAD night! Foxy tried to encourage me that there was still time, but I've done this enough and there was no feasible way. I knew. I still had my blood drawn on the day, but I knew.  In June I thought multiple times about how "if it had worked" I'd have a newborn. But I don't and now I've suffered another fail. 

September is also when I had my first miscarriage and somehow it always lingers. I feel a tug at my heart and a longing for what could have been.

This is the strange thing...I think people who have experienced loss will get this, but it truly is like a visitor comes and sits in your house unannounced and waits for you to notice him. This grief, this melancholy, this weight, seems to show up somehow some way on a regular basis. 

So I'm melancholy and wishing there were more babies in my house and that probably explains the addition of our newest fur baby...T'Gris (little gray)! 

Join The Movement...Don't Offer Things You Can't Give.

The title here might sound strange or angry or something negative, but it really isn't. I worry sometimes that people read this blog and think that I'm so negative and so focused on infertility that I don't enjoy my life, which simply isn't true. This just happens to be my "safe" place to discuss the things that infertility has taught me or is teaching me. Oftentimes subjects that come up are from a discussion I have had with another infertile friend or someone who is not, but it brings up an idea. I assure you I am very happy and enjoy my blessings daily, my Facebook, Instagram, and private blog are for that!! I always want this to be a safe place for infertiles to read!

So the subject that I wanted to touch on today is that of offering something that you really cannot give. I cannot tell you, because I did not keep track, how many people offered to be a surrogate for me. While I typically appreciated the somewhat selfless offer, I was also no where near the point of considering that, nor would I have any idea how to approach it. The thing about surrogacy that I've learned recently is that (at least in Louisiana) the egg donor, or biological mother has little to no rights. A surrogate could carry a baby that has no biological connection to her, aside from being baked in her belly (not making light of that its HUGE) and can decide to keep the baby because she has become "attached". This horrified me! Most people who offer to be surrogates have been pregnant before and did not mind the process (some people do not enjoy pregnancy, even ones who fought tooth and nail to be pregnant--I'm one of them), and therefore think they could do this as a gift to someone else. I like to believe that the world is full of wonderful selfless people and that this would never happen in real life. Lets be real people are people and we are all flawed, hence my husband and I being scammed by a crook who acted for six months as if she were going to give us a baby only to swindle money out of us (she had done it before and will probably do it again)! You just do not know how you would respond in such a situation if you nurtured and loved and cared for a baby for 9 months and then had to turn around and give him/her to someone else.

For me personally, having been through two miscarriages, I couldn't imagine if I had put my embryos in someone else and then she miscarried. The level of hurt and blame there is hard to comprehend.

Now before someone thinks I'm dogging surrogacy, please know that I'm not at all, what I am saying is please please please do not offer such a service to a friend who is fighting infertility unless you have honestly and thoroughly considered the full scale of what that means. While you may have just been making a polite gesture, they may be seriously considering needing a surrogate and to come back and request it of you and be denied is another type of pain that no one needs to endure.

What can you do then? What can you say? Say you care, say you do NOT understand (I promise we don't want you to understand), say you will listen even if you don't get it, say you are honestly praying for them, for guidance, for miracles, for peace. Feel free to tell us you don't get it, you don't want to, it makes you uncomfortable, but that you will go to a fun movie and laugh with us or a sad movie and cry with us. Let us take your kids to the park, the book store, the movies, something that lets us pretend for just one minute that we could be great parents! One of the most fun days I had was picking up my friend's daughter from daycare, taking her to the park, and to the book store. I got to spoil her, no I didn't tell people she was mine, but I got to enjoy the things they got to enjoy daily!

If you are honestly up to it (and it would take guts) say you will go to a support group meeting with them. Read infertility blogs so you can understand more. I've had a few sweet sweet friends contact me and say, I don't know what to do but my friend just lost a baby, can you give me some ideas? Or should I tell my infertile friend I'm pregnant and how? Just the idea that you cared enough to ask someone else would warm their hearts more than you know!

I could go on and on about what to do and what not to do, but I will stop here for today! I'm always willing to answer questions though, so post them in comments or email me!

National Infertility Awareness Week--speak up!

Join the Movement with More Honesty

Some honesty...last night the girls in my support group started chatting about the joy and pain of being around new babies. Some of us torment ourselves by reveling in the joy of them while others keep our distance. It's hard to know which is harder.

I typically soak up new babies and most of my friends' kids with all I can, but will say that some days I just didn't have it in me.

In trying to keep this real and honest I will share something that not everyone knows about when I was in the darkest throws of infertility. My birthday falls close to one of my dear friends and we like to have a joint party most years. It's super fun crawfish and beer and once kids came along they were included too, even Easter egg hunting was added for them to enjoy. This was both wonderful and awful for me, as I was childless and heart broken, but loved playing with all the kids. What only my husband and sister were lucky enough to witness was the full on meltdowns that would occur after such occasions. I'm sharing because I know that I'm not the only one who has had this happen, not to make anyone feel bad, but after these fun occasions I would come home and experience full on debilitating crying sessions. Infertiles know the ones where you feel like your heart may cave into your soul and leave you hollow forever. It was almost like a masochistic torture I would do to myself. But I couldn't pass up kid fun!

Sometimes within a couple each one handles it differently, where one soaks up kids and one avoids them as much as humanly possible and often feels like they look like a monster not wanting to hold new babies! Because really?!? Who doesn't love to hold new babies?!? Um, devastated heart-broken people who can't seem to have their own children, who are possibly afraid that given the opportunity they may cry all over your child and or run out the door with them! **I may have tried to steal my godson a few times and a few times his mommy might would've let me, at least for a few days! ;) **

The handling it differently causes division within a relationship too because you don't grieve the same way and then you worry your spouse doesn't care as much or cares entirely too much. It takes a whole lot of staying power to make it through infertility!

Brutal honesty also leads me to this statement...we know we are irrational and we know we snap at random times. Believe me, we would love to be forewarned too, we would avoid ourselves at times! I will share a story (again to make others feel normal). In the year of pregnancy (as I lovingly refer to 2010 when literally everyone I know was pregnant) while we were in the depression of adoption scam dregs and starting IVF, yet another of my friends called to tell me that she was pregnant. **Yes I am aware that everyone dreaded telling me, believe me I dreaded hearing it and trying to keep it together** Bless her heart I think she hit me on a highly hormonal day of a new injection or something because I believe my response was something along these lines..."Seriously!!!! Can none of you wait until the pee dries on the stick to call me?!? I am just trying to get to my IVF an EVERYONE is knocked up. I cannot take anymore! I mean obviously I'm happy for you!". Her response, bless her sweet heart, was something along the lines of, "um, ok, I'm sure you will be pregnant soon too and it will all be ok! I'll call you later!" And she did call me later (maybe a few DAYS later). That is the reality of an infertile heart and the kindness of someone who does not get it, but can take a random outburst and never mention it again! I'm forever grateful to her for that and how she did not insist we talk about pregnancy constantly, she understood that while I was honestly happy for her my pain precluded me from being able to fully share in her joy!

Infertility is misery and it hurts relationships, some beyond repair. Sadly that is a truth we all learn. I'm blessed it has not destroyed my marriage and lucky I'm married to someone who is rather hard headed and thick skinned. Blessings also flow from the online support that I found and the ladies who became my life line when no one else understood, those who listened to me, tied my rope, encouraged me, and kept me afloat when I could not do it on my own.

If you need support ask me about the group here, contact Resolve (www.resolve.org), or search online! If there is not a group in your area, start one! No qualifications are necessary, just a heart to help others! Also know that your horrible behaviors, even if only in the privacy of your own home are things plenty of us have done and you are not alone!

Join the Movement

The wonderful people at Resolve (The National Infertility Association) have made a blog challenge to tell what we are doing to increase awareness about infertility. So here's what I've been doing...

I started this blog and put a whole lot of effort into being completely open and honest about my fertility struggles. Regardless of what anyone thinks it is not easy to admit publicly and basically to anyone anywhere that there is something wrong with you. Being able to procreate is supposed to be what being a woman is all about and as trite as it may sound to someone who doesn't understand...it sucks to feel broken, unable to do the main duty you were created to do...make healthy babies.

When I was living in Texas I had the blessing of being able to attend a support group for ladies who have experienced loss. If you haven't had that blessing and need it, I pray you can find it! That led me to starting a group when I moved back to Louisiana. I don't say that to pat myself on the back, I couldn't have done it without the support of my wonderful church and the ladies in the group who constantly encourage me and share their own struggles! We have a weekly "live" meeting at FUMC downtown and also have a Facebook group where we talk, share, and support one another! The collective knowledge within our group astounds me daily and the women there that support each other and lift one another up continually is something that blesses my heart so profoundly that I'm often left speechless.

I'm vocal about my infertility, maybe too vocal in some people's opinions, but to me knowledge is power and knowing you are not alone, or learning ways to be proactive for yourself, those things cannot be replaced. I lost two babies, my heart still aches over those losses, so my prayer is that my losses can help others, if that is the case, then Layla and Michael have made an impact here on earth and that's the most I could hope for my children! I won't stop being vocal about loss or infertility. I don't do it to make others uncomfortable. I do it to help the millions who feel completely lost, completely alone, completely misunderstood!

To learn more about infertility, check the Resolve website, visit their Facebook page, or ask someone you know who is facing it. Those of us who are infertile typically would love for someone to be interested so it doesn't feel so isolating!

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

You can check out my blog roll as well, there are some amazing women who blog about their infertility struggles also, many have become my friends IRL (in real life) and continue to hold my hand through the trials of infertility!

Four years and more tears

My first baby was due on this day four years ago. Until last year it was always a huge wonder as to if that date would've been anywhere near accurate, but considering C came a day after my due date, I'd venture to guess that Layla would have made her debut today or tomorrow as well. No one really knows obviously, but the truth is that this day hit me much harder this year than it has in the past two years. I attribute that to having a living child now and being acutely more aware of what I missed with the loss of my first two children. I'm always grateful to the friends I have that remember this day with me, you will never know how much that means to me. I started my day with a tough workout of stadiums and track sprints, I run to relieve my frustrations and sadness. I commented to my friend that Boston was happening as we ran and just how exciting that was, runners get giddy about Boston even if we aren't there, or ever think we might be there!

I have shed a plethora of tears today that weren't about me or Layla, but as a runner, my heart is completely broken for the runners and their families, the volunteers, the support personnel, the spectators, the runners turned heros, the lost and injured, and the people who couldn't complete the race in Boston. For me being a part of the baby loss community is one that blankets you in love and support, for those who aren't also runners, just know that the running community is the same way! I've finished two marathons and 11 half-marathons and let me just tell you that the love and support of this community is much like the one we all know here. It warms my heart to know that runners who had just spent all their energy and reserves on this race turned around and offered aid to those who were hurt, it speaks volumes for the character and it offers hope in a world that seems so dark and so tragic at times! People who had just spent hours on foot running 26.2 miles continued on foot to hospitals to donate blood. I could barely put one foot in front of the other after my marathons and can't imagine turning around and donating blood, but that's what we do when faced with tragedy, we as runners, baby loss moms, Americans, human beings, we step up for one another! My heart is broken tonight that my favorite past time/hobby has been tainted like this, that the hard work and glory of so many has been stolen from them as celebration isn't in the air as it should be.

I'm sending all of my love and prayers to Boston, to the victims, their families, to those who saw this horrific event first hand! Tomorrow I'll be wearing a race shirt in honor of those who lived this and those who didn't survive, as a sign of solidarity for the running community, join me please!

Still Sad

I think so many people believe that once you have a baby you are "over" your losses or infertility, or maybe they're just tired of hearing about it and wish you'd be over it. Regardless there are still days that I see a child close to 4 and wonder exactly what my first daughter wouldve looked like. Would she have been bald like me, or chunky with rolls? Would she have had the shy personality that Foxy had as a little kid (which I still have a hard time in visioning)? Or would my second child presumably a boy have had strawberry blonde hair like Foxy or big bug eyes like I did? Would they have been mischievous or sassy or timid or loud? There is no way to know and yet my heart can't help but wonder. Some days I still feel a strong pull to put on my necklace that symbolizes them. Obviously I wouldn't trade one child for the other and Sugar has brought about a kind of healing that couldn't be found without her. But I still wonder, when I hear of another's loss I am brought back to the exam room in 2008 where the doctor calmly and matter-of-factly said "I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat". There had been on only days before, this baby looked perfectly on target, how could that be? And my heart breaks for the pain someone new knows.

Then there is the looming infertility. I didn't get a quick fix and now all systems are go, I am still infertile. Getting pregnant still doesn't happen easily and if by the off chance it did happen, the likelihood is that it would end in miscarriage again. Currently we are stalled, waiting to try again while we sit in limbo awaiting the sale of a house (or two) because we can't afford the costly treatment to try again until then. That's something that many infertiles know, that money can prevent babies, yet there are plenty of unwanted unplanned and poorly cared for children being born daily. It's a sad sad situation and it breaks my heart at times. Today I'm feeling yucky, the stomach virus has besieged our house and that is making blue feelings even more blue.

I feel I always need to add a disclaimer that I am immensely happy and thrilled with my gorgeous, funny, happy, healthy daughter. She is the best thing going, but as too many people know joy and heartache can live simultaneously in one body.