Still no pregnancy

It doesn't matter how long you go I don't think, every month when you know you are NOT pregnant again, it's disappointing. You can't help that tiny bit of you that is hopeful, that tiny space that says "I know I did everything right this time, so maybe, just maybe?!?", that tiny breathe that prays 'let this month be mine to celebrate'. It hurts every time.

I am thrilled to know that there are people this month who had that special discovery, and ones that are continuing on their pregnancy journey safely after loss, those things make me happy.

Still my own disappointment is there, and it doesn't go away. I'm sure some think it's selfish to want to be pregnant when I'm adopting, but you can't help hoping that for once your body won't let you down. Mine is a constant disappointment! So, today I'm a little blue, but going out to enjoy this weather to perk up a little!

New Day

Today is a new day and I feel like a new person. The weather was glorious today, I'm not sure there is even a word to really put how perfect it was! I get to go to a job that I love everyday, and work with someone that is very fun and has the same passion that I do for youth. That in and of itself is such a great blessing, and something I've been praying for for quite some time.

My day started beautifully, as I went to Pray Date and Katy had posted a song by one of my favorite groups, NeedtoBreathe. It's called Lay it Down and it just reinforces our need to surrender our concerns, our fears, our worries to God. Thanks for the reminder Katy!

I did some research on books regarding Adoption, I've already read a few, but I want to read more. I want to know about the adopted kids and how they feel, what things they might struggle with, and how to address those issues. Knowing full well I can't be prepared for everything, but wanting to educate myself as best I can (while I still have free time to read (: !!). It all still seems so surreal, and I'm wondering if I'll wake up and find it all to be a dream.

We continue to move forward. We received our background checks today, and I'm clean, bet you're all glad to know that!! Not that I could've ever worked with children had I not been, but now I have the 'official' paper to prove it! We'll get that to our attorney and our social worker tomorrow, as I think that is the final portion of information that she needs for our home study. I'd like that to be completely finalized, it will just feel more 'official'.

I'm anxiously awaiting the arrival of the nursery furniture, as I can't wait to see it, we picked it out of a catalog basically. Sean is excited that it's a 'boat of a bed', very sturdy and strong! I, of course, can't wait to see it in the nursery and see how good it looks with the newly painted walls.

Thank you all who read my blog and send me sweet comments, they really do bless my soul and I'm grateful. I hope that in some way I convey ways that people feel, and that I can be helpful to someone else who is going through some of the same things. I know each path is unique, and we all have to deal in our own ways, but I'm grateful to have this outlet and to have the support of my friends and family while we walk this winding road!!

Baby Showers

I was reading over at Moments of Pause and in a response to some questions she talked about Baby Showers. It struck a chord with me, so I decided to write about that.

I know that for most people who don't lose babies, that the "Baby Shower" sounds delightful, and is highly anticipated, to have everyone 'oooh' and 'ahhh' over your cute baby stuff.

Literally I have a pit in my stomach right now thinking about it. It makes me feel ill to think about a baby shower. Attending one, or having my own. There I said it. That's the truth. This is my heart right now. If you've never lost a baby, you've never had to hide the gifts that people have given you just so you wouldn't burst into tears over and over. If you've never lost a baby, you don't realize that just because there is a shower, doesn't mean a baby is coming home with you. You are blissful and enjoy each moment.

If you have lost a baby, you know these realities all too well, you are terrified to buy anything, you are terrified to say anything, you are terrified to prepare because you know that within minutes it can all be gone. So, for me and other baby lost moms, the idea of a baby shower is not just scarey, it's downright sickening. Going to them and celebrating for someone else what your heart so longs to do and to have is not just unpleasant, it's torture. There are cases where that isn't as bad as others, but in general, this is truth for us babylost moms. Having your own shower, and thinking of what you would have to do with all that 'stuff' if your baby doesn't come home with you is even more horrific.

Mulitple people have asked about doing a baby shower for us, for our impending adoption. Thank you all, as I know it comes from a deep love for us and a genuine desire to celebrate with us, but we cannot do it. This is an adoption, and all adoptions can fall through, some call this pessimistic, for me it is the truth. So, I'd prefer not to have any more 'stuff' from loving well wishers until we bring our daughter home, simply because if we don't get to bring her home, my heart will be broken again, and I only have so much room to store stuff that will keep it out of sight.

I know this seems like a bummer post, and for that I'm sorry. I've had a rough couple of days, no reason, that's just how grief is, but I wanted to share this, so that some people might be able to understand how people who've suffered loss, or infertility might actually feel. It has nothing to do with anyone else, just our own feelings and demons that we battle. I know most of us would love it if we didn't feel this way, we'd give anything to be our old purely optimistic selves, but somethings you just can't make go away. This is one of them.

We don't want to not be invited to showers, for some days we can actually handle it, but we need you to know that if we can't, it doesn't have anything to do with you! I had friends who had a little girl in September, do what I consider to this day one of the most thoughtful things...

Hubby (friend of my hubby) called Sean to let him know that they were having a shower and that we were definately invited and they wanted us there, if we could make it, but that they understood if we couldn't. They hadn't wanted to send an invitation, as they didn't want it to arrive on a bad day.

Thoughtful, just plain thoughtful, and I'm forever grateful for that!

On a different note, my friend Jennifer over at Thoughts from a Blonde is entering adoption-land, send her some love, and I'm stealing from her too, as I love to read like she does. So, any suggestions for books on adoption, I'd like to know somethings from birthmothers, as well as adopted children.

Hope this week is good for all of you!!

SAD

I'm missing my dog so very badly today. I think that for a while I was in complete and utter denial, but his over two week absence has now left a piece of my soul missing and I don't know what to do. I made some new posters today, got on a bunch of new sites to post about him being missing (Thank you to It's just me...C for sharing the Oliver Alert). It's nice to know that there are people out there who understand the deep pain that this causes me! I also want to say a sweet thank you to Lori who has been praying for O'Brien's safe return home too even while in the midst of her own grief!

My sweet dog has been with me for 11 years, that's a long time, almost half of my life. I got him during the darkest hours of my life and he has been my constant companion. Though he's very friendly and loves lots of people, it's well known that he loves me the best, and I love him the best. I do have other pets, but our bond just isn't the same, and I'm heartbroken about it!

Please pray that O'Brien finds his way home soon!!

Moving forward

Well, with the inspiration of my sweet friend Andrea, I started painting my nursery yesterday, and FINISHED today! I'm so excited. There will be a baby in there before we know it!! I lightened the room up quite a bit, as we've ordered espresso colored furniture, and I didn't want it to be dark in there! So, I'm posting a before color picture and an after color picture!

I'm very proud of myself for doing it all by myself, like a big girl. But I must say I wish my dad had been here to help me. It's always more fun with him, though he's trained me quite well. Keep praying for him as he's still not feeling 100%, and I hate to hear him sad!

Now, I'm in search of the perfect tie-back for the curtain, and probably a different fan, as I'm not a big fan (ha!ha!) of the one in there!! I feel like I'm getting my spirit back where it should be. Thanks for all of your support!!

Spring time!!!

I love spring, the birds, the flowers, the breeze, riding around with the sunroof open and the windows down. Spring is refreshing and fills me with hope. Hope for a better tomorrow, a better year, a bright perspective!

I just finished planting bulbs in my front flower beds, let's hope they come up as it's a little late for planting, but I wanted to get them in. The whole front flower bed I filled with daffodils, which I love because I think they look like their smiling all the time. That, and they come back on their own! In my smaller bed right by the front door I put purple tulips, I'm sure you're picking up my color scheme here, as I need to do everything possible to make sure people know we're die hard LSU fans! My mom was sweet and went to extra trouble and effort to make sure that the tulips were PURPLE, not some funky pink, or red, but purple! So, we should be seeing some spirit to get us headed into football season! I personally, don't love gardening, I know that a lot of people really like it, my mom for example, and she can make anything grow, but I have more of a black thumb, so let's hope the tulips and daffodils make an appearance here!!

I've been thinking about my babies a lot lately, probably because Layla's due date was April 15th, yep tax day, and Michael was made in April. So, there are good memories and then sad ones. Layla would be almost a year old and we'd be planning a fun birthday party. Michael would be most likely moving up a size in clothing. It's a weird place to be. I'm not tearfully sad right now, just wistful I guess. And we're looking to the future hoping that Cala makes her little way into our home in July. If the weather is yucky outside tomorrow, they're predicting snow--what!!?, then I'm considering painting the nursery. I'm finding it very hard to get more excited about the baby, as there was such a bumpy time there where we really thought that it wasn't going to work out at all. So, you put up a guard, you try and shield your heart, and then it kinda turns around, and you're just in shock, and wondering what to do next. The furniture is still on order and should be here in mid-April, so maybe things will seem more real then. Having not talked to Baby Mama in a few weeks is kinda weird too, as we were communicating daily, so it makes things seem less real I guess. Part of me would like to talk to her, and part of me feels that it would just end up ugly like it did before. This journey is so strange, so unique, and so complicated.

For now, I'm enjoying the time Sean and I have been getting together and laughing a lot! My job is a blessing, as I feel blessed to get to touch the lives of youth, and they touch my life in turn! The youth director I work with is a hoot, and we have a blast. This week I go to meet our newest staff edition, who will be coming in the summer, he came in for his Spring Break, and he's a blast too. I see lots more fun and laughter coming my way in the future, and for that I'm grateful! Seeing the ways that God is moving and has moved in my life is pretty awe-inspiring and I'm grateful.

So now, out to enjoy some more of this beautiful weather! Happy Spring everyone!

Blog Award 2

The second award I received was from sweet, beautiful Jennifer at Thoughts from a Blonde, she's a sweet Northern girl (we refer to them as Yankees), transplanted into the great state of Texas! Check out her site and give her some love!! Jennifer gave me the Making Lemonade out of Lemons Award! She's too sweet. I try to make Lemonade, but some days I'm just sour.

Here are the award rules:
- Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.
- Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude.
- Link the nominees within your post.
- Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
- Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

So, here's who I'd like to share this award with...

Angie Tabz at Angie Tabz

Andrea at Life, Love, and the Persuit

Lynda at Gates Updates

Beth at Tanner's Journey

Stacey at Stacey's Thoughts

Amy at Might Martindills

Shandrea at Loving My Angels

Jennifer at His Grace is Sufficient

Deby at For Your Tears

Becky at Day by Day

I'm sure some of these women have gotten these before, but I linked each of them for a special reason as they have touched my heart in a particular way, and mostly that they are always able to make the best of seeminly horrible situations!!