Baby Lost Mama

I Hate that title.  Honestly, it is an awful title to have.  Still, for me personally, to not embrace it would be to stick to the taboo that you shouldn't talk about pregnancy loss, about miscarriage, about stillbirth, or about infant death.  All of those things are so ugly, so sad, so miserable.  Wouldn't it be better if we never talked about them?

The answer to that is a resounding NO!!!  Why?  Why should we talk about things so sad?  For the same reason that we approach any terrible topic.  The people suffering should not be left alone simply because it is uncomfortable for the rest of the world to mention, to face, to discuss.

While I wouldn't choose to be a part of this baby loss community, I cannot ever put into words the support and love that I have found here.  Support that I was not finding anywhere else, but that I hope and pray I share with others for the rest of my life.  I'd love for it never to be a new person, but that dream just isn't reality, so as long as there are bereaved mommies and daddies, who are missing their babies, there will be me and this community helping to be their voice.

Join us tonight at 7:00pm for the wave of light to honor all of the babies lost too soon!  Sending love to Layla Marie and Michael from Mommy, Daddy, and Little Sister straight to Heaven!

**Stay tuned for information about a support group I'm trying to get started in Shreveport for BLMs and IF sufferers**

I'm not sure what it is...

But right now, lately, I keep thinking about my babies, keep missing them.  My heart grabs towards them and wants to know them, wants to see them, wants to know who they are and how they are.  I know in my heart that they are happy, taken care of by the ultimate Father, but sometimes I wish I could just see them even just in a dream.

I used to wear this necklace every single day, and while I don't do that anymore, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think their names and on the days I'm utterly compelled to wear it I always do and I pray my babies can feel my love for them!!

This is so true!

I remember hating hearing people complain about pregnancy and child birth. I know pregnancy isn't always wonderful, believe me I puked for 38 wks, but I wouldn't trade it, so be sensitive to who you complain around, please!

Surreal

It is surreal to me that four years ago I was in a hospital having a D&C and today I have been following my little monkey all over the house and can stare at her on the monitor while she sleeps.

Having Cala has been a salve on my wounds, but there are times when it makes me wonder so much.  What would Layla have looked like, what would her personality have been, or how different would my life be right now with a 3.5 year old? Those things are hard not to consider.  I will forever remember the joy I had at that first time I had a positive pregnancy test, and I will never forget the deafening silence the day there was no longer a heartbeat there on the screen.  That day changed me forever, in ways both good and bad.  I am so grateful for the beauty that God has brought from ashes, but I won't use the term "worth it" ever.  No life is ever "worth" another.

When infertility continues to be part of your life and loss has happened to you, you are changed and you see the world in a different  light.  The loss is obviously not a raw and painful, and for that I am grateful, but I believe I will always wonder and always question.  While I believe the timing of us becoming parents ended up being "good", who can say that had we been parents before that it would've been "bad".  I don't believe that.  That isn't how I view the world or God.  I think that God allows bad things to happen because the world is full of sin, but that He can always bring good from the sadness.  He can use every tragedy that is there and make something beautiful from it!!

Today and every day I miss Layla and hope she is in heaven playing with my BLM friends' heavenly children, as well as her brother, Michael!

What to say...

So, my last post was kinda don't do this, don't do that.  And I'm not the least bit sorry for that, I think that when you know how your words hurt someone it helps you to use them in a better way.  I hope that for myself.  I've caught myself saying things that I realized afterward were hurtful and have also found myself apologizing for those things that I said.

Anyhow, on Pinterest the other day I found this and thought it perfect...

People think that you bringing up someone's dead baby is going to bring them down, but the truth is a recognition that we lost something means more than anything else you can do.  Just because you don't mention it doesn't mean it didn't happen and it doesn't mean that we don't think about it.  I'm a few years out now from having lost two pregnancies and then suffering a fraud situation with adoption, it does not hurt me for anyone to mention that.  It's ok to say, so  do you still think about your babies?  Is it different now than it was a few years ago?  What can I say to a friend who is going through what you went through?  Do you still get sad about your losses?

I promise you mentioning this to someone if you are genuinely curious or care won't hurt at all and will most likely make the person smile inside because they feel remembered.  You're not bringing up something that they forgot about.  When I worked in nursing homes the old ladies would tell me about losses and things that happened years ago.  One of my IRL friends still works in a nursing home and there are women there who have opened up to her about their losses that they never discussed with anyone.  Loss is loss and not talking about it doesn't change or take it away!

I will say that if you feel the need in any loss situation to start with "At least..." please stop there and know that what you're going to say will probably offend them on some level.  When you don't know what to say, simply say that you care, that you're thinking of them, that you are praying for the, that you are sorry for what has happened.  And if you don't understand, say that you don't understand, don't try to pretend that you do, just say that you care.  Today I found myself saying something to a friend and had to clarify that I wanted them to know I don't understand their situation, but that I hope they are at peace with the outcome.  

Knowing what to say is almost always impossible, so less is best, but anything is probably better than nothing.  

***It is always sad to me for a new person to be added to this Baby Loss community and I ask some really special prayers for one of Sean's classmates, who lost his daughter this week.  There are no words that can express my heartbreak for them, but I pray they can reach out to this community and find the love and support that I have and that as a couple God will work with them together to heal their broken hearts!***

Infertility is Forever

I'm sorry I've been so quiet I have tons to say still, but know that I will mention my child and never want to hurt anyone. That being said, I still have to write, so sometimes she will fall in here, but not regularly. 

I'd like to poll the number of people who have suffered infertility and been told one of these things...

1. Adopt, then you'll have a baby.
2. Oh now you've done IVF you'll get pregnant on your own soon!
3. Why don't you just do IVF? 

For some of us infertility is forever for one reason or another, OR a new reason to add to the old ones! 

Yes, some people get pregnant on their own after adopting or using ART. These people are in the vast minority, I'd love to give a stat, but I don't know one! I can only think of one adoptive mom off the top of my head who "just got pregnant" and she says how rare that is, in fact! It also discounts the truths of how hard and taxing and emotional and EXPENSIVE adoption is, that actually suggests that an adoptive parent is "settling", which isn't the case. Adoption is a calling, a choice, and certainly not one for the faint of heart!!! It's not a solution to infertility. 

More often you learn of IF women who do multiple cycles of IVF or FET (frozen embryo transfer, from a previous IVF cycle) with no baby to show for it. You hear of moms who previously had a baby with no problems via ART then losing a subsequent baby. 

The truth is, in some cases like mine, I may be able to get pregnant again on my own, but the likelihood is that without my Killer Bee medicine (what I prefer to call the Intralipids used to treat my Natural Killer Cell hyperactivity) any pregnancy I had on my own would end in miscarriage. For me (I'm not speaking for anyone else) that is not something I can chance! 

And why not "just do IVF?"? This is an ignorant statement, not stupid, but a statement made out of lack of knowledge (no blame here, I prefer you not know any better). I'll tell you why though, just to give some education. 

IVF costs at minimum $12,000. Sometimes up into $40,000. The vast majority of insurances do NOT cover it, mine included. It is HARD on your body. Have you ever given yourself a shot in the stomach? How about in your butt muscle? Did you know you can hit a nerve and cause permanent damage? Many of the shots cause hives, whelps, bruises, etc. 

During a typical IVF cycle a woman gives herself (or someone else does it) something like 80 shots throughout a cycle. **The picture on this post is the meds for an FET, which we IFers say is waaaaay easier! It's still approx 45-55 shots during a cycle.**

When I did IVF (and different clinics do it differently) I was on a low dose steroid for 63 days. I gained 15 pounds in those 63 days, almost half a pound a day. Yes, it came off during my pregnancy, but just consider that in 63 days I gained 15 pounds, then I lost that over the next 10 weeks, then gained 23.5 pounds over the rest of my pregnancy. That's a lot of weight gain/loss in less than a year. Not to mention you're pumping your body full of hormones. Some people do ok with this, some (like me) do NOT. I had OHSS (Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome). That is where since you've been pumped with hormones to make your body produce more follicles (they become eggs) your body gets confused and just keeps doing it and keeps doing it. It basically feels like someone stuck a water hose in your belly and turned it on and forgot to turn it off. It was more painful than contractions I had for 7.5hrs without epidural. To treat it the doctor sticks a catheter/needle up you and drains out the fluid, no sedation, no pain meds. It feels like someone is stabbing you from the inside, because that's EXACTLY what they do. 

All of this happens and if all the stars align and all the meds work correctly and all the doctor's judgements are right, you get lucky and get pregnant. That does not mean that you will not miscarry. Plenty of IVF patients miscarry, just like a typical pregnancy. 

I've told Foxy that the hormones alone make me feel not like myself, which is so hard. It's something that most people don't understand and it's a choice. Is it worth it? Absolutely!!! If it works, and I've not been on the side where it doesn't (so anyone feel free to comment), but I've been told it does make you feel like you tried everything. 

So, that's Why. Is that helpful?!? I don't mean to sound condescending or rude. I honestly want to educate and help people understand what it's like to deal with infertility. How those comments that you say with a genuine heart are like a nail in a coffin and usually quite painful. 

I'll try to post soon on things that are helpful to say. 

These kinds of things shouldn't happen

In October I started going to see a trainer here in this sweet little town we live in, because my husband was going and he encouraged me (not in a you're fat kinda way, but in a I think you'll actually enjoy this kinda way).  The trainer is a lady who is technically old enough to be my mom, but more like a fun aunt to us.  After a few sessions she and I hit it off when we discussed fertility, or lack thereof.  She and her husband (who is from the city next to the one I'm from, yep already liked him) suffered with the horrific journey that is infertility, back when even less was known about it and even fewer people talked about it.  So, obviously, she and I hit it off, besides the fact that she's hilarious and crazy and shows me pictures of how she dresses up her poor boxer in all kinds of costumes, and she let me bring my child to sessions.

This weekend she lost her son, her only son, her much answered prayer, who was loved and adored probably more than most kids.  He was only 26.  These kinds of things shouldn't happen.  When this type of thing occurs I can't help but scream out to God in absolute frustration.  THESE KINDS OF THINGS SHOULDN'T HAPPEN!!!  I am eternally grateful that He is big enough for my anger.  But one of my immediate gut reactions was to want to stop every stupid thing someone would say to them, to just block the mouth of the person that says "God has a plan", "Everything happens for a reason", "At least he's not suffering anymore".  My friend and fellow blogger, Lori, posted about this recently and the things that people say and how inappropriate they are.  This family is a faithful family.  They know God, they trust Him, they rely on Him and I have no doubt His arms are the only things holding them up right now, but you, nor I, have any clue what God's plan is, or how He will work this for good, or anything of the sort.  So, I just wanted to take my hand and cover their ears or slap it over the mouths of anyone who might say something that would hurt, even if it was completely unintentional.

These things shouldn't happen.  This family shouldn't have lost their only son to a rare disease that still is leaving things unanswered.  They shouldn't be left with no son, no grandchildren, and broken hearts.  Please lift them up in your prayers, as I know that is the only thing we can do at this time.