"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Still infertile

This post has been brewing for quite a while and so it will probably be all over the place, but here goes...

Some people may feel or believe or actually live that fertility is healed once you have a baby. And while a long present void is filled, that doesn't always make it "all better". Not everyone's body "now knows what to do" and so they miraculously get pregnant and their own. Some people do and that's amazing and wonderful for them, in fact, I'm quite jealous of those people, as I'd think they would be of me were the rolls reversed. 

However, for us, we did IVF in Oct of 2010 and had 8 embryos. We assumed we would end up with 3-4 children from those embryos. We were wrong. We have one child and no more embryos and the sting of infertility is fresh and painful and hard to navigate once again. The added pressure is that now we are not only concerned with the two of us, but we have a child who has mentioned siblings. She isn't flat out asking, but one night a few weeks ago as we left her best friends house I said in jest to my husband "who needs a sister when you have a best friend like that?" And from the back seat Sugar pipes "me! I do!". Talk about ripping at your heart. If you only knew sweet girl, if you only knew. And one day she will! We have always intended on being fully honest with her about our fertility struggles, but for now she's too young. 

So we face infertility still and it's difficult. It is particularly difficult when so many people who had babies around the same time as me have already had another baby or are about to. I don't begrudge them, the truth is I'm just jealous. I know the amazing blessing of a baby and I want that again. 

Only this time to face another full IVF cycle does not feel right. It does not feel peaceful and I do not have a sense of calm about it. I have said enough times that God gives you a gut instinct for a reason and I intend to follow this one for now. He may have something else planned for us and He may just be saying "wait" vs "no", but I believe had I listened to my gut even with our adoption attempt that the outcome would've been different. We both would've walked away early on and the toll might not have been so great on my heart. So I don't intend to push this agenda. 

That being said, not pushing my agenda and not immediately going for another full IVF and not knowing if we will ever have more children is a very hard place to be in and it is weighing heavy on my heart at times. Some days I am completely happy and at peace and know that I am Held by God. Some days I'm just as human as can be and I struggle and I'm sad and I question and I fight with God because I don't understand. However, I'm well aware that it's not for us to all understand. 

My second due date was December 31st  2009. I cannot help but think that I should be planning a 4th birthday party. Maybe a frosty the snowman theme with a hot chocolate bar? Maybe it would be ninja turtles or princesses? I'll never know and there are days that makes me very sad. 

I am also eternally grateful because I get to see the wonder in the eyes of a 2 year old this year and watch how magical this time of year should always be. I never want anyone to think I'm not grateful or happy, it's just that my life is a dichotomy always with babies in heaven and one blessing here with me! 

The holidays are such a blessing but also seem to bring to light even more those who are missing. My heart goes out to all of you who are missing a mother, brother, father, grandparent, sister, friend, or child this season. May God's spirit fill you with the peace that they are celebrating in the most grand style possible! I hope we can all use this holiday season to look at each other through the eyes of God and know that what you see is never all of someone's story.  If someone is short or unkind to you, if someone refuses to smile, to share your ideas, or to participate in things the way you feel they should, may we demonstrate Grace and Love because we have no clue where their hearts are currently!