Still infertile

This post has been brewing for quite a while and so it will probably be all over the place, but here goes...

Some people may feel or believe or actually live that fertility is healed once you have a baby. And while a long present void is filled, that doesn't always make it "all better". Not everyone's body "now knows what to do" and so they miraculously get pregnant and their own. Some people do and that's amazing and wonderful for them, in fact, I'm quite jealous of those people, as I'd think they would be of me were the rolls reversed. 

However, for us, we did IVF in Oct of 2010 and had 8 embryos. We assumed we would end up with 3-4 children from those embryos. We were wrong. We have one child and no more embryos and the sting of infertility is fresh and painful and hard to navigate once again. The added pressure is that now we are not only concerned with the two of us, but we have a child who has mentioned siblings. She isn't flat out asking, but one night a few weeks ago as we left her best friends house I said in jest to my husband "who needs a sister when you have a best friend like that?" And from the back seat Sugar pipes "me! I do!". Talk about ripping at your heart. If you only knew sweet girl, if you only knew. And one day she will! We have always intended on being fully honest with her about our fertility struggles, but for now she's too young. 

So we face infertility still and it's difficult. It is particularly difficult when so many people who had babies around the same time as me have already had another baby or are about to. I don't begrudge them, the truth is I'm just jealous. I know the amazing blessing of a baby and I want that again. 

Only this time to face another full IVF cycle does not feel right. It does not feel peaceful and I do not have a sense of calm about it. I have said enough times that God gives you a gut instinct for a reason and I intend to follow this one for now. He may have something else planned for us and He may just be saying "wait" vs "no", but I believe had I listened to my gut even with our adoption attempt that the outcome would've been different. We both would've walked away early on and the toll might not have been so great on my heart. So I don't intend to push this agenda. 

That being said, not pushing my agenda and not immediately going for another full IVF and not knowing if we will ever have more children is a very hard place to be in and it is weighing heavy on my heart at times. Some days I am completely happy and at peace and know that I am Held by God. Some days I'm just as human as can be and I struggle and I'm sad and I question and I fight with God because I don't understand. However, I'm well aware that it's not for us to all understand. 

My second due date was December 31st  2009. I cannot help but think that I should be planning a 4th birthday party. Maybe a frosty the snowman theme with a hot chocolate bar? Maybe it would be ninja turtles or princesses? I'll never know and there are days that makes me very sad. 

I am also eternally grateful because I get to see the wonder in the eyes of a 2 year old this year and watch how magical this time of year should always be. I never want anyone to think I'm not grateful or happy, it's just that my life is a dichotomy always with babies in heaven and one blessing here with me! 

The holidays are such a blessing but also seem to bring to light even more those who are missing. My heart goes out to all of you who are missing a mother, brother, father, grandparent, sister, friend, or child this season. May God's spirit fill you with the peace that they are celebrating in the most grand style possible! I hope we can all use this holiday season to look at each other through the eyes of God and know that what you see is never all of someone's story.  If someone is short or unkind to you, if someone refuses to smile, to share your ideas, or to participate in things the way you feel they should, may we demonstrate Grace and Love because we have no clue where their hearts are currently! 

Join The Movement...Don't Offer Things You Can't Give.

The title here might sound strange or angry or something negative, but it really isn't. I worry sometimes that people read this blog and think that I'm so negative and so focused on infertility that I don't enjoy my life, which simply isn't true. This just happens to be my "safe" place to discuss the things that infertility has taught me or is teaching me. Oftentimes subjects that come up are from a discussion I have had with another infertile friend or someone who is not, but it brings up an idea. I assure you I am very happy and enjoy my blessings daily, my Facebook, Instagram, and private blog are for that!! I always want this to be a safe place for infertiles to read!

So the subject that I wanted to touch on today is that of offering something that you really cannot give. I cannot tell you, because I did not keep track, how many people offered to be a surrogate for me. While I typically appreciated the somewhat selfless offer, I was also no where near the point of considering that, nor would I have any idea how to approach it. The thing about surrogacy that I've learned recently is that (at least in Louisiana) the egg donor, or biological mother has little to no rights. A surrogate could carry a baby that has no biological connection to her, aside from being baked in her belly (not making light of that its HUGE) and can decide to keep the baby because she has become "attached". This horrified me! Most people who offer to be surrogates have been pregnant before and did not mind the process (some people do not enjoy pregnancy, even ones who fought tooth and nail to be pregnant--I'm one of them), and therefore think they could do this as a gift to someone else. I like to believe that the world is full of wonderful selfless people and that this would never happen in real life. Lets be real people are people and we are all flawed, hence my husband and I being scammed by a crook who acted for six months as if she were going to give us a baby only to swindle money out of us (she had done it before and will probably do it again)! You just do not know how you would respond in such a situation if you nurtured and loved and cared for a baby for 9 months and then had to turn around and give him/her to someone else.

For me personally, having been through two miscarriages, I couldn't imagine if I had put my embryos in someone else and then she miscarried. The level of hurt and blame there is hard to comprehend.

Now before someone thinks I'm dogging surrogacy, please know that I'm not at all, what I am saying is please please please do not offer such a service to a friend who is fighting infertility unless you have honestly and thoroughly considered the full scale of what that means. While you may have just been making a polite gesture, they may be seriously considering needing a surrogate and to come back and request it of you and be denied is another type of pain that no one needs to endure.

What can you do then? What can you say? Say you care, say you do NOT understand (I promise we don't want you to understand), say you will listen even if you don't get it, say you are honestly praying for them, for guidance, for miracles, for peace. Feel free to tell us you don't get it, you don't want to, it makes you uncomfortable, but that you will go to a fun movie and laugh with us or a sad movie and cry with us. Let us take your kids to the park, the book store, the movies, something that lets us pretend for just one minute that we could be great parents! One of the most fun days I had was picking up my friend's daughter from daycare, taking her to the park, and to the book store. I got to spoil her, no I didn't tell people she was mine, but I got to enjoy the things they got to enjoy daily!

If you are honestly up to it (and it would take guts) say you will go to a support group meeting with them. Read infertility blogs so you can understand more. I've had a few sweet sweet friends contact me and say, I don't know what to do but my friend just lost a baby, can you give me some ideas? Or should I tell my infertile friend I'm pregnant and how? Just the idea that you cared enough to ask someone else would warm their hearts more than you know!

I could go on and on about what to do and what not to do, but I will stop here for today! I'm always willing to answer questions though, so post them in comments or email me!

National Infertility Awareness Week--speak up!

Join the Movement with More Honesty

Some honesty...last night the girls in my support group started chatting about the joy and pain of being around new babies. Some of us torment ourselves by reveling in the joy of them while others keep our distance. It's hard to know which is harder.

I typically soak up new babies and most of my friends' kids with all I can, but will say that some days I just didn't have it in me.

In trying to keep this real and honest I will share something that not everyone knows about when I was in the darkest throws of infertility. My birthday falls close to one of my dear friends and we like to have a joint party most years. It's super fun crawfish and beer and once kids came along they were included too, even Easter egg hunting was added for them to enjoy. This was both wonderful and awful for me, as I was childless and heart broken, but loved playing with all the kids. What only my husband and sister were lucky enough to witness was the full on meltdowns that would occur after such occasions. I'm sharing because I know that I'm not the only one who has had this happen, not to make anyone feel bad, but after these fun occasions I would come home and experience full on debilitating crying sessions. Infertiles know the ones where you feel like your heart may cave into your soul and leave you hollow forever. It was almost like a masochistic torture I would do to myself. But I couldn't pass up kid fun!

Sometimes within a couple each one handles it differently, where one soaks up kids and one avoids them as much as humanly possible and often feels like they look like a monster not wanting to hold new babies! Because really?!? Who doesn't love to hold new babies?!? Um, devastated heart-broken people who can't seem to have their own children, who are possibly afraid that given the opportunity they may cry all over your child and or run out the door with them! **I may have tried to steal my godson a few times and a few times his mommy might would've let me, at least for a few days! ;) **

The handling it differently causes division within a relationship too because you don't grieve the same way and then you worry your spouse doesn't care as much or cares entirely too much. It takes a whole lot of staying power to make it through infertility!

Brutal honesty also leads me to this statement...we know we are irrational and we know we snap at random times. Believe me, we would love to be forewarned too, we would avoid ourselves at times! I will share a story (again to make others feel normal). In the year of pregnancy (as I lovingly refer to 2010 when literally everyone I know was pregnant) while we were in the depression of adoption scam dregs and starting IVF, yet another of my friends called to tell me that she was pregnant. **Yes I am aware that everyone dreaded telling me, believe me I dreaded hearing it and trying to keep it together** Bless her heart I think she hit me on a highly hormonal day of a new injection or something because I believe my response was something along these lines..."Seriously!!!! Can none of you wait until the pee dries on the stick to call me?!? I am just trying to get to my IVF an EVERYONE is knocked up. I cannot take anymore! I mean obviously I'm happy for you!". Her response, bless her sweet heart, was something along the lines of, "um, ok, I'm sure you will be pregnant soon too and it will all be ok! I'll call you later!" And she did call me later (maybe a few DAYS later). That is the reality of an infertile heart and the kindness of someone who does not get it, but can take a random outburst and never mention it again! I'm forever grateful to her for that and how she did not insist we talk about pregnancy constantly, she understood that while I was honestly happy for her my pain precluded me from being able to fully share in her joy!

Infertility is misery and it hurts relationships, some beyond repair. Sadly that is a truth we all learn. I'm blessed it has not destroyed my marriage and lucky I'm married to someone who is rather hard headed and thick skinned. Blessings also flow from the online support that I found and the ladies who became my life line when no one else understood, those who listened to me, tied my rope, encouraged me, and kept me afloat when I could not do it on my own.

If you need support ask me about the group here, contact Resolve (www.resolve.org), or search online! If there is not a group in your area, start one! No qualifications are necessary, just a heart to help others! Also know that your horrible behaviors, even if only in the privacy of your own home are things plenty of us have done and you are not alone!

Join the Movement

The wonderful people at Resolve (The National Infertility Association) have made a blog challenge to tell what we are doing to increase awareness about infertility. So here's what I've been doing...

I started this blog and put a whole lot of effort into being completely open and honest about my fertility struggles. Regardless of what anyone thinks it is not easy to admit publicly and basically to anyone anywhere that there is something wrong with you. Being able to procreate is supposed to be what being a woman is all about and as trite as it may sound to someone who doesn't understand...it sucks to feel broken, unable to do the main duty you were created to do...make healthy babies.

When I was living in Texas I had the blessing of being able to attend a support group for ladies who have experienced loss. If you haven't had that blessing and need it, I pray you can find it! That led me to starting a group when I moved back to Louisiana. I don't say that to pat myself on the back, I couldn't have done it without the support of my wonderful church and the ladies in the group who constantly encourage me and share their own struggles! We have a weekly "live" meeting at FUMC downtown and also have a Facebook group where we talk, share, and support one another! The collective knowledge within our group astounds me daily and the women there that support each other and lift one another up continually is something that blesses my heart so profoundly that I'm often left speechless.

I'm vocal about my infertility, maybe too vocal in some people's opinions, but to me knowledge is power and knowing you are not alone, or learning ways to be proactive for yourself, those things cannot be replaced. I lost two babies, my heart still aches over those losses, so my prayer is that my losses can help others, if that is the case, then Layla and Michael have made an impact here on earth and that's the most I could hope for my children! I won't stop being vocal about loss or infertility. I don't do it to make others uncomfortable. I do it to help the millions who feel completely lost, completely alone, completely misunderstood!

To learn more about infertility, check the Resolve website, visit their Facebook page, or ask someone you know who is facing it. Those of us who are infertile typically would love for someone to be interested so it doesn't feel so isolating!

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

You can check out my blog roll as well, there are some amazing women who blog about their infertility struggles also, many have become my friends IRL (in real life) and continue to hold my hand through the trials of infertility!

Still Sad

I think so many people believe that once you have a baby you are "over" your losses or infertility, or maybe they're just tired of hearing about it and wish you'd be over it. Regardless there are still days that I see a child close to 4 and wonder exactly what my first daughter wouldve looked like. Would she have been bald like me, or chunky with rolls? Would she have had the shy personality that Foxy had as a little kid (which I still have a hard time in visioning)? Or would my second child presumably a boy have had strawberry blonde hair like Foxy or big bug eyes like I did? Would they have been mischievous or sassy or timid or loud? There is no way to know and yet my heart can't help but wonder. Some days I still feel a strong pull to put on my necklace that symbolizes them. Obviously I wouldn't trade one child for the other and Sugar has brought about a kind of healing that couldn't be found without her. But I still wonder, when I hear of another's loss I am brought back to the exam room in 2008 where the doctor calmly and matter-of-factly said "I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat". There had been on only days before, this baby looked perfectly on target, how could that be? And my heart breaks for the pain someone new knows.

Then there is the looming infertility. I didn't get a quick fix and now all systems are go, I am still infertile. Getting pregnant still doesn't happen easily and if by the off chance it did happen, the likelihood is that it would end in miscarriage again. Currently we are stalled, waiting to try again while we sit in limbo awaiting the sale of a house (or two) because we can't afford the costly treatment to try again until then. That's something that many infertiles know, that money can prevent babies, yet there are plenty of unwanted unplanned and poorly cared for children being born daily. It's a sad sad situation and it breaks my heart at times. Today I'm feeling yucky, the stomach virus has besieged our house and that is making blue feelings even more blue.

I feel I always need to add a disclaimer that I am immensely happy and thrilled with my gorgeous, funny, happy, healthy daughter. She is the best thing going, but as too many people know joy and heartache can live simultaneously in one body.

Husbands and IF or Baby Loss

So, I have thought about this a lot, and while my husband is no saint, he sure has been great throughout our losses and infertility.  I've often wondered how deeply it affects him and know that he lets me know in subtle ways.  He has his own fears and phobias and I know that while he doesn't remember exact dates like I do (what man does?) our experiences have touched him deeply.  He's certainly not one for mushy gushy stuff and oftentimes if I mention anything he changes the subject or simply responds with an "I don't know what to say".  He doesn't get as irate as I do about people saying or doing stupid things, but he gets his own degree of frustrated with people.

Sometimes I think that he never thinks about it like I do, but then he'll make a comment, or have a reaction and I know that it's on his mind sometimes too.  Certainly the feelings aren't the same for men, they don't carry the children, and so they don't feel so much of the failure aspect that we as mothers do, but he's expressed his concerns before as to it "having something to do with me".  So, again without massive conversations I know he worries too.  He worries about all kinds of things, currently it is the lack of middle back seat to put a car seat in (which I'm not nearly so anxious about--funny huh?!!?).

I have to say that I know that infertility and loss reek havoc on a marriage oftentimes, and I know that I am blessed that it didn't tear us apart, but actually strengthened us as a couple.  We've learned to talk more, we've learned how to grieve and how to let one another grieve differently, which can be very hard.  My husband is my best friend, he's a constant support, he is there for me in all aspects of my life and encourages me in anything that I want to do or don't want to do.  I'm very blessed, very very blessed and I know it.

If your marriage has suffered from infertility and loss, please know that I send you so much love and support and prayers to make it through this hard time.  I'm certainly not trying to rub it in either that my experience hasn't been detrimental to my marriage, it has been tested for sure, but at this point it is thriving and I pray the same for all couples who endure this trial.

Feel free to leave any thoughts on the subject as I know so many people have so many different experiences and advice if you have any for people going through these things.  My advice is to communicate, communicate, communicate, even when you want to crawl in a hole and never come out! It's way harder to communicate than to shut down, but more effective to talk it out, even if that means a screaming session or two, or needing to see a counselor, or seeking guidance from a pastor or trusted friend or family member.

Why Haven't I Written About this Before???

I saw my counselor today, which is always a good thing and helps me put things in a rational perspective.  She is very kind and considerate and remembers things that I've told her (good thing since I'm pretty sure that's in the job description and I think she has notes there in front of her!).  Anyhow, towards the end of my session today she asked me if I had read this book...

I had already noticed it on her desk, it's hard to miss with that great bright yellow cover and the adorable kid with a flat top on the front!  I told her that in fact I had read the book, and she asked me how it made me feel about my babies that I've lost.  Now, for those of you who have not yet read it, GET IT NOW!!!  Especially if you are a BLM!  I don't want to ruin it or give anything away, but I do believe it will bring you a special kind of peace about your loss.  (And now you can stop reading my review if you want nothing ruined)...






I told her that it made me feel confirmed in my feelings about my babies, made me feel good that they are in a place better than anything you or I could imagine.   There is nothing that takes away the pain of losing children, but to know that I will see them again one day, which I knew in my heart, (but it was nice for more confirmation) gives me hope and it makes the pain not so heavy, not so permanent!  I told her it also made me sad for the woman in the book, who had no confirmation, no closure on her loss, and for the many women who never mention their losses to anyone.  The women who never celebrate that they knew life within or grieve completely that it was lost.  This seems more true for the older generations of our parents, and our grandparents, who believe that therapy is hokey, medication is for the weak, and that if you just ignore a problem it will go away.  Sadly, losing a child doesn't go away and it's amazing the women in nursing homes who will share with you that they lost a baby 58 years ago and never talked about it.  It breaks my heart for them, and makes me want to reach out even more to those out there who have lost a child or suffered from infertility, to tell them "You are NOT alone!".  I pray that our society continues to reach out, to make taboo topics not so taboo, and to comfort people who are hurting and offer help.  I'm always here for anyone who needs to talk about these issues and am grateful each time someone who needs support reaches out, because I know what having support has done for me!

Now, go get this book! It's amazing and an easy quick read that will leave you feeling good and peaceful and hopeful and grateful!

In honor of NIAW

That is National Infertility Awareness Week.

I have had some of these thoughts swirling around in my head for a while and thought, "what better time to post than now?"

A blog I follow had a wonderful post today and I wanted to send you there to read that as she is currently battling infertility and had a quite enlightened post so visit cgd here and read her post on IF myth (April 25th post).

She really nails a lot of the details of facts surrounding IVF.  She's somewhat of an expert at this point and drives home in an eloquent way, that IVF is in fact, not for everyone.

Here are some things that I feel about infertility:

1.  It is immensely lonely, that is why people who "meet" on the internet through IF circumstances feel instantly bonded, because so many people do NOT understand.
2.  People try so hard to say the right things and mostly end up hurting us worse.
3.  Just because something worked for your mom/sister/cousin/co-worker doesn't mean it will work for me, and I promise, you don't suddenly have a new idea that hasn't already been tried or crossed an IFers mind, so please refrain.
4.  Please don't ever use the phrase, "Why don't you just fill in the blank (adopt, relax, use a surrogate, do IVF)".  Just implies that we haven't tried hard enough, cared enough, put in enough effort, etc.  It is insulting.
5.  Don't compare what we're going through to something you went through that is unrelated or even related, but not the same.  (I read tons of blogs, and try to NEVER say, well when I had/did/etc. because it's painful and pointed, as if again we haven't done enough).
6.  If you haven't experienced infertility or loss, please don't give suggestions or advice, as we don't give them about things we have no experience with.

When we set out to adopt, we never dreamed that we would be swindled out of thousands of dollars and left heartbroken, deceived, and empty armed, that was not the experience anyone else had told us about.  When my friend's mom adopted 27 years ago, she never dreamed she's be dealing with her son's birth mother grieving his death as well, and feel obliged to comfort her through her own grief.  I know lots of beautiful adoption stories!  One of my pledge sisters is adopted (actually two) and they have had nothing but positive experiences, they are beautiful, happy, well-rounded individuals, who know that was God's plan for their lives.  My sweet friend, Amanda, adopted one of the cutest kids you'll ever see and so far it's been a fairytale (since paperwork was finished etc, up until then--nightmare).  Adoption is not an easy road.  I have a friend adopting right now, and the baby was born on Friday and she didn't find out until today--do you have any clue what that does to a mother?  (And please don't say she doesn't even know that baby yet, she's been preparing for months!).  Adoption is beautiful and wonderful and a blessing and it is absolutely the plan God has for some people, but it is NOT for everyone, so suggesting that to anyone who is struggling to have a baby is actually rude.

On another note, suggesting surrogacy is also not ok, yes, we've thought about it!  Yes, it worked for SJP and Nicole Kidman (did you see how the press attacked her?!!?).  Have any of you been watching Brothers and Sisters and seen what's going on there with the surrogate--and please don't tell me that's just tv, where do you think they got the idea?  That happened to someone--seriously, and while it may turn out all fine and blah blah blah, you have no idea how that being taken advantage of can damage your trust of humans, how it can rip your heart out.  I also ask if any of you knows the costs of surrogacy???  It starts--STARTS at $60K.  What?!?!  Very few people have that kind of disposable cash (hence the SJP's and NK's doing it, not your cousin or BFF).  Then there are so many other things to think about.  Can you use your eggs, his sperm, a donor, a friend, how will you tell your child/children when they get older?  None of these things cross your mind usually until the deed is done and then you have to worry about it later!

IVF--been there, done that and can tell you, that's no picnic either.  The drugs alone are $$$ and they hurt, and I'm no wuss with needles.  The stress of giving yourself shots daily at the right time can also send you into a tail spin of fear and panic, seriously, I was a nervous wreck the whole time, not to mention the time I actually left my meds at home when I went out of town--WRECK--as my hubby!!!  There is so much stress, so much pressure on you and your husband to do things right, to not forget anything, and for it to WORK.  It strains any relationship, and there is nothing romantic about having a catheter inserted in your privates to 'place' your embryos there.  Not to mention the things the hormones do to your body (and I wasn't on a high dosage), but they make you crazy!  And if you looked at the above mentioned article you know that success rates aren't always in some one's favor. Believe me we thank God daily that we were in the 'lucky' group, honestly, I've read so many things of people who were not that that will scare the begeezus out of you too!  I've also known of plenty of people to get pregnant and not take home a baby, so it's not a cure all.  This doesn't even scratch the surface of all the available fertility treatments or the questions and issues that arise from each one, ethical, moral, and monetary concerns that come up, but that would be a much longer post! :)

What about Foster Parenting?  I believe people who do that are Saints in most cases (I've heard of abuse and the like, but in general, they are amazing!).  I've worked with children in foster care doing speech therapy, and the things they endure with these children is mind boggling.  And just take this one scenario, you have a wonderful child come live with you, you nurture them, get them on a good track, they are healing emotionally, and you are in love---Then, they are returned to the home that made them hurt in the first place.  No thank you for me, I'm not saying it's not a good thing, again I think people who do this are Saints, I'm entirely too selfish.  Check out the post on www.rantsfrommommyland.com titled Domestic Enemies of Foster Parents.

Some other things that are good to know... It doesn't help when you say things like "Well, at least you can still go on trips when you want to", "Be glad you get to sleep 8 hours every night", "I'd kill for a completely quiet house", "You can have one of my kids" (seriously, would you give us one?  Because we'll honestly take one off of your hands if they put you out that much!), "At least you still have your body".  These things are shallow and void.  Most of us would give anything to carry a baby, or adopt a baby (without complications), or whatever it took.  We are actually jealous that you are having sleepless nights, feeling like crap while pregnant, or missing a tropical vacation to have a child look at you and tell you they love you!  There is no amount of discomfort we wouldn't endure to have a child depend on us, look at us adoringly, or run screaming through target from us!

So, to end this long rant of my own, please don't brush off infertility with a comment that can hurt someone.  It is emotionally damaging, it is isolating, and it is one of the hardest things a marriage can endure (if it does endure that is).  Sometimes people just need to talk about how they feel, what they miss, and how they wish things were different.  Give them that opportunity, or point them my way--I'm always open for a good chat! :)

Blog Friends

This weekend I had the opportunity to meet another blog friend.  Jennifer @ Thoughts from a Blonde and I have been bloggie friends for a while now.  I was so excited that she brought home her gorgeous baby girl, Ellie, in January after battling infertility and waiting through the adoption process.

We met at PF Chang's (a mutual favorite) and had a long lunch and good chats, then we did a little shopping and a LOT of chatting!  It's always awesome to visit with a fellow infertility sufferer and to compare notes, mostly on things that people tell us.  Jennifer shared that she was given the opportunity to talk to the women's group at her church and share her experiences with all ages represented.  One of her biggest gems of advice (which I completely agree with) was that asking someone when they are going to have children is not ok, not ever.  We know it's just a way of starting conversation, but you never know when you are crushing someone who is currently battling infertility or loss, or if you're causing someone to be defensive because they don't want children.  It's hard enough to battle that without having to constantly answer that question, to which my favorite response is "It's not for lack of trying".  People who choose not to have children should be respected for their choices, not condemned.  It made me so proud of Jennifer for being so strong and sharing things that we all really want to share!  Thank you sweet friend for using your experience for good!

On that same note, when someone adopts, telling them that now they'll get pregnant is also inappropriate.  I know some of you may be thinking that we tried to adopt and now I'm pregnant, and the truth is we felt forced that way due to our adoption scam and had to seek further invasive, expensive fertility treatments. So, yes, we are having a baby and we couldn't be more happy, but this baby does not replace my lost babies or the one we prepared for last summer.  Though it does happen, it is not the "norm" to just "get pregnant" after adoption.  The true statistics are that "most" people do NOT.  This could inadvertently offend someone who sought embryo adoption or who chooses to be much more private about their fertility treatments.  So, try to avoid that stereotypical "oh now you'll get pregnant" comment.

Anyhow, we had so much fun and her little Ellie is a bundle of absolutely adorable cuteness!!! I loved her chubby cheeks, giving smooches, and making funny faces!  She is a miracle and they are precious!

Her little bonnet was keeping the sun out of her eyes!

That smile is intoxicating!!!

Meeting bloggie friends is just too much fun (especially when they are this cute!!).

Wish I had known...

In reference to REs.

I had two friends talk with REs today and both had a fairly good experience, these things make me really happy. I'm not sure I can convey how happy they make me, but having had a realllllllly horrible initial RE experience, and having had a FABULOUS second round experience, I know how important feeling heard, feeling supported, and trusting that your RE is smart are in that instance.

I wish I had known before my first experience that doctors DO listen, that good REs don't care about the money (they do quite well regardless), and that you have a RIGHT to ask all the questions you want!!! Being armed with a good list of questions prior to an appointment, I believe, I key! So... I would like some input from my trusted friends here!

Please tell some of your good and bad RE stories so that others can learn. Tell questions you wish you had known initially to ask, or information that your RE shared that you found inlightening.

I will share a few things here comparing and contrasting my experiences...

1. My first RE never called me by my name, which is a nickname, I know that's not a requirement, but when I went to Dr. S, his whole office called me by my name (as you know on here) from my first visit on!

2. At Dr. Crap's office the nurse who drew blood (eleventy billion times) hurt me EVERY time she stuck me! At Dr. S's office, the only pain I ever had was from OHSS, which he treated (which was quite painful).

3. With Dr. Crap any time I asked a question, he talked to me like I was 5 and was extremely patronizing. When I talk to Dr. S, he happily answers my questions on a reasonable level and doesn't talk down to me at all, he actually encourages questions and explains very thoroughly!

4. When I had a D&C with Dr. Crap he didn't even come talk to my husband after the surgery to give him a report. He left the hospital! Needless to say, my hubby was PISSED! I didn't experience that with Dr. S, but after each thing I had done he talked to us and so did his nurses and they called to check on me!

5. At Dr. S's office I waited 45 mins for my first visit (and panic set in because...). With Dr. Crap, I waited over an hour each time regardless of my appointment time AND waited 3.5 hours to have my D&C done. After waiting 1.5 hours for my follow-up afterwards, and rushing out the door in a full blown panic attack, we left, never to return!

6. I know quite a few people who have seen Dr. Crap, and only one has had rave reviews about him, the others (double digit #s) even with successful pregnancies, say his office feels like cattle herding, and is completely impersonal. (His nurse said to a friend who had done IVF, upon her reporting that she had a BFN that morning, "Well, you knew that could happen!") WTH?!?!?

7. The whole staff with Dr. S asked repeatedly about both me and my husband and how we were dealing with the stresses of IVF. His staff called me to check on me after procedures and he stopped by to talk to me each time I was there, even if I didn't need to see him. The front desk girls, the finance lady, the nurses, the embryologists, they were all AMAZING!!!! Did I mention that getting stuck there didn't hurt--ever!! I have a sweet friend who had seen Dr. S and even with an unsuccessful IVF recommended him with RAVE reviews, as would I, that instilled a LOT of confidence in him and his staff, as she went on and on about their excellent care!

I hope that no one else has a horrible of an experience as I did the first go round, but I pray that EVERYONE has the experience that I had with Dr. S (if you want more info on him, I'd be glad to share, just email me!).

Please share anything you can about RE experiences you've had, I think it's so helpful to know what other people have dealt with and what things are helpful!!

**I'll post again with some more good info***

Baby Baker Update and a share

I just wanted to let any of you who were praying for that sweet baby Baker know that they now have a caring bridge site to keep people informed about his progress! That sweet boy is making progress and doing better each day, but days are hard for all of them. Please go give Drew, Abby, and Baker some love there...

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/bakertroxler/

Also, my kindred spirit, Andrea, had a great post today about infertility and I wanted to link it as well, so that you could check it out. Apparently the Today show had a segment about infertility today and it was very good and honest. For me (and most people who struggle with it) being pregnant doesn't make that infertility struggle go away, as a matter of fact, it's very apparent each day. We will most likely never go on to have any children 'the old fashioned way', which is still hard to accept, though probably better for us, since the pressure was ruining everything! Still those who have suffered from infertility, don't forget it, we don't just get pregnant and forget all that we've been through, it doesn't work like that!

Also, please continue to pray for my friend who had the d&c today. She is doing as well as she can be given the circumstances, but my heart breaks for her as I know she is feeling sad and not knowing where to go next! Pray for her family, especially hubby too, as they are very sad and heartbroken too!

I have other posts in my head on similar topics, but sometimes they are hard to write, so stay tuned!!

A Good Book

So, a couple of weeks ago I read a book that I wanted to share with all the BLMs, then I decided that I would share it across the board, as it deals with loss. For those of you who are interested in how people deal with loss and infertility, this book gives a good insight I think. I tells something of how people feel in these situations, perhaps better than I do on this blog. Or maybe it's just that it being in a book makes me feel more validated because obviously someone else has felt these things, and needed to write about them! I hope you enjoy this book, as much as I did!

My precious friend, Jennifer, at Blue Sparrow wrote tonight about a new movie coming out called Rabbit Hole staring Nicole Kidman (who I think is genius b/c she dumped that weirdo Tom and married hottie crooner, Keith Urban, who I adore!!). It deals with loss. My computer illiterate self cannot figure out how to put videos on here yet, so go to her blog and check it out. If you're at work, probably wait until you get home! I'll be going and I'm hoping to drag my dear friend, Britt, with me!

Something I must repeat

to myself over and over again. 2 Timothy 1:7 "But the Lord did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." I do find myself afraid of many things. I think once you've lost a baby, you live in a state of fear. When you've not been pregnant in 16 months, you are again filled with fear. Will I ever be pregnant again? Will I end up with children? I know, I know, yes, I will, of course, some how, some way. At what cost? People who don't suffer losses and infertility don't understand the things that go along with fertility treatment both physically and mentally, and at times spiritually. It is exhausting!!

Today I had my HSG done. My appointment was for 8:30am (please remember that it is almost 2 hours away from my house, so I drove last night), and they didn't even call me back until 9:30. Seriously, while I watched two people bring in their children, one girl looked maybe 20, maybe. The other couldn't be bothered to get up and pick her child up off the floor while he crawled towards the automatic doors. The procedure itself only lasted about 10 mins, maybe. It was painful for a few minutes, but that didn't last long and I haven't felt bad today, just a little bloated. This was done in the outpatient clinic with a Radiologist who was very nice, and told me that everything looked great, no problems that he could see. I got a CD-ROM copy to take to the RE. Yes, that's good news.

Afterwards, I trucked it with my trusty sidekick, Brittany, who accompanied me to Dallas, so I didn't have to travel alone (Thanks Britt!!) to a completely different building to go to my RE's office for a blood draw. No, didn't need to see the RE, just needed blood draw for the Natural Killer cell test, so it could be overnighted to Chicago for testing. I sat there for over 30 mins. There was not another person there, not a single other person. I didn't see or hear another person there when I went back to get my blood drawn. Why the heck did I have to wait for 30 mins? Seriously, they knew I was coming. It was annoying.

With two good test results so far, we wait for the results from the two blood tests. They said the NK test would take 7-10 days. The other test we're waiting on should be in by next Friday, so I'm hoping they are both here by then. I'm scared about what we might learn, but really I'm scared that we won't learn anything at all, we will be out even more money with no new answers, and therefore, no plan to work on from here. Then I have to tell myself that God didn't give me this spirit of fear, that this is from satan and that he is lying to tell me that we might never end up with a baby.

Then I try to cling on and on to the promises that I know are true, that God will not allow me to be tested beyond what I can bear. I know that God is good, that He has good plans for me, plans for me to prosper. I need to give a shout out to a few people who really have been great to me over the past few weeks, months, years, really, but they shouldn't go without mention...

First, my sweet husband, who tolerates my neurosis and loves me anyway. He always lifts me up and encourages me and I am so blessed to have him on this journey with me!

Then I must thank Julie, Britt, Shawn, Emily W, Andrea, Nan, Shandrea, Angie, Bree, Rachel, Gracie, Amanda, Karla, Leah, Caryn, Mom, and Rene'. I know that there are others, I'm sorry if I missed you, but for my sweet friends who support me so much I'm forever grateful!!

100th post!!!!, visit with new RE, and a giveaway!

That's right, this is my 100th blogpost. I've been waiting to do it when I had some time. That could end up being never, so I decided that a visit with a new RE was good enough reason to write my 100th post!

The RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist, i.e. Fertility Specialist), was great, aside from having to wait for 50 mins, which made me very anxious, everything was wonderful. I could tell he had looked through my entire history, and really paid attention to what had and had not been done. He explained a lot of things about miscarriage and infertility, some things I knew and some were new to me! The way he did it was compassionate, and informative. He didn't give me that feeling of this place being a puppy mill, like my last RE's office did repeatedly!! There were some things that he felt were huge red flags that should have lead to previous testing, but we are going to be doing now. For all of you who are wondering and have asked, I will be having an HSG done, which not only tells if your tubes are open, but also gives information about your uterus and cervix. So, having been told previously that I didn't need this test because I have been pregnant twice and my tubes are obviously open, I now know that it looks for uterine abnormalities, which could include scar tissue, or oddly shaped uterus. So, I'm glad that is being done. I had a blood test run, will have another done, and hubby will have a blood test run. If you want to know more details, you can email me, at deni.troxclair@gmail.com. I'm a pretty open book, but I don't think all of my specific things should be put on a blog, and certainly not the things that concern more than just me! So, just be praying that our testing comes back and when it does that the doctor will be knowledgeable in how to handle anything that we may be thrown! I will say this, the clomid and metformin are out! He says I do NOT need those and should not be taking them. This is good news as they both have unwanted side effects!!

Next, I am doing giveaway in honor of my 100th post, but it's also a little selfish, in that I want some feedback from all of you! Two things that I need are the following: 1. if you follow this blog consistently and aren't registered as a follower, please do so, as it will help me when it comes to the book I'm trying to write. Having consistent followers does make you have more credibility than having fewer. 2. I want to hear your thoughts and feeling, specifically on the things that people have said or done that have hurt you the most, throughout your infertility or losses. These responses I would like to put in my book, but only with your permission, and I wouldn't mention your name unless you request that. (Some of my friends are already mentioned, and they will have to suck it up--(; as there's no real way around it!).

So, if you sign up as a follower, I'll enter you into a drawing to win something from Magnolia Creative (as she'll be in my book without prior authorization!).

And, if you leave a comment that tells something that you've experienced (or if you haven't been through this, something that someone else has complained has happened to them, or you've found yourself saying wrong), I'll enter you in a drawing for a piece of jewelry by MamaMiaTina. She is a baby lost mommy and does great jewelry that you can customize, so sign up and be entered!

While I'm plugging all of my creative friends (I'm blessed to have some real talent in my friend pool!), I wanted to direct you with kiddos to Kenzington Kollections. Sweet Rachel has some great things there and one of the cutest rainbow babies out there!!

So, happy Friday everyone, I'm off to a retreat with my youth girls having speaker, Keiah Ellis, join us!! Again, if you haven't read her book "Aftermath" go get it now!!!

***Update***
I have literally found myself in so many places reading your comments, from laughing out loud to the possible chapter title of "you can't make this kind of Bleep up", to crying for the things we've all had to endure, to exhausted for all that we've been through! I'm literally taking each of the emails I receive to notify me of a post and putting them in a folder in my email for book research! Thank you all so much and keep them coming!!

NIAW

Today I will write about something very near and dear to my heart (that may be the wrong words). It's National Infertility Awareness Week! Not that infertility is anything to rejoice about, but I am happy to know that awareness is at least increasing! For years people didn't talk about cancer either, as if it were contagious if mentioned, or as if anyone had any control over it! I pray that the level of awareness for infertility can be raised as well. Infertility is not contagious (though many people who went to college where I did around my age, think something may have been in the water), nor is it something that can be controlled. Infertility affects all kinds of people, fat, skinny, tall, short, athletic, sedintary, healthy, unhealthy, happy-go-lucky, pessimistic. Infertility has no shame, no agenda, it's not hereditary in most cases (there are some genetic markers in some rare cases), and it shouldn't be taboo. Women and men who face this awful disease experience stress levels equivalent with cancer and death of a loved one (thanks Leah).

I just want to give some of the feelings that IF people feel. There is the death of a dream, even if you go on to get pregnant eventually and have a healthy baby, your road wasn't like your friend who got pregnant month two trying and had no problems. Your view of your body is never the same, and you never trust it again. You feel ashamed, as this is what your body was MADE to do and it's not working, and though you know you can't do anything about it, you're ashamed and feel like less of a woman/man. You become a jealous person, a very jealous person in lots of cases. I'm not typically a jealous person, I believe that I live a pretty charmed life, but I am jealous of the majority of pregnant people and have been since September of 2008 and even some before then. It's not that you're not happy for others, but you want what they have so badly, you can't control it, it's primal. (You can read the stories in the bible of Sarah, Rachel, and Leah, and the things they did concerning having children, and know it goes back ages in time). You are frustrated and hopeful, then lose hope! With each new test or thing to try, you gain hope, but are frustrated, and when that things doesn't work, you are again hopeless. It is a yoyo, rollercoaster, time warp that you hate, and yet you can't get off of it EVER. I know people who've gone on to have children and their children are grown, and they still feel, infertile. Infertility, though it may resolve, lasts forever on your heart. You wouldn't expect someone who had beat cancer to forget it and move on, you would probably even expect them to continue to fear it slightly, you wouldn't expect someone who lost a love one to forget them and move on, and yet the emotional and psychological ramifications of infertility are as strong and most people try to sweep it under the rug.

I know as a non-infertile, it's uncomfortable to you, and you don't know what to say, and you don't want to make an IF uncomfortable, but ignoring it doesn't help either.

You can say things, things that are helpful, which tend to be simple questions, (please leave out suggestions, we know you're trying to help, but if you are infertile, you have already thought of ALL of that, even if you can't admit it to yourself). A simple, 'How are you feeling?', 'Any yucky days you've had that you'd like to vent about?', 'Would you like to talk about where you are in your process?'. Those kinds of things make us feel heard, not judged (because no matter what we feel judged), or contagious!

I give examples and encourage things, as I know so many people don't know what to say, and I know that it's awkward, but I also know that our lives can feel so lonely, so avoided, so unheard. I do not pretend to know about divorce, or losing a parent, or a child (that was born), or anything that I haven't experienced, as that's not my area, so please don't think I think I'm all knowing. I just pray that the experiences I've had can help someone else, whether it's to help another IF, or BLM feel no so alone, or to help those that love us know what to say, that's my mission, that's my goal, that is the legacy I want to leave for the children I've lost!

Thanks for reading, thanks for following suggestions and helping others. I have people call me often and say things like "my friend's friend lost a baby, what should she do?" or "what should I say to 'person' who has lost a baby?", these things mean the world to me, as I feel like I'm helping and I thank you for being such big wonderful people that you're willing to learn and get out of your comfort zone for the sake of someone else! Blessings to all of you, God is using you in His ministry!

April 15th

This day for most people is tax day, and will always be tax day. April 15th for me is and always will be Layla's due date. I didn't think that this year it would affect me nearly as badly as it did last year, and though not as badly, it was still quite painful. It's painful because you are generally the only one who remembers. Sean had not a clue and couldn't figure out why I was so blue, and I didn't divulge any info, as sometimes I just can't get the words out AGAIN!!!!

Infertility and miscarriage are words that are part of my personal definition. They are painful, unwanted, and soul-crushing. To be infertile means that you as a woman are unable to do the thing that you, as a woman, were born to do. With this crushing blow to one's self-esteem comes unfathomable grief. This grief doesn't end, not that grief ever ends when you lose someone, but that is final, the person is gone, and you don't expect them to return. While with infertility, there is always a glimmer of hope lingering in the background, that maybe, just maybe, whatever was 'wrong' will correct and you will finally be able to do that one thing your body was meant to do. One blogger had her husband guest-post recently, and he said "Grief is the second most traumatic experience you can go through." It is true there are so many things that infertility touches, from your privacy, to your routines, to your friendships, your marriage, your self esteem, your view of your place in the world, your faith, your sleep, your social interactions, your work, your emotions,your dreams, your self worth, and it list goes on and on and on and on... For most people who have dealt with true infertility, the feeling never fully escapes you, it never leaves you completely, you are never free from that stigma, and the pain is never erased. Even if children to come, and you "overcome" infertility, it continues to affect you, as a friend of mine shows all the time, when she feels the injustice of people who don't want children continuing to have them. Another friend has since adopted and wouldn't trade her daughter for a single thing in the world, even a biological child, but couldn't stay at a baby shower last year. Infertility does not come and go, it isn't an easy fix and it has psychological ramifications that are far beyond what those who don't experience it will ever dream to understand.

I will say that I am so eternally grateful to my fellow blogger friends who've suffered through infertility and loss, for without you I wouldn't continue to put one foot in front of the other each day, you are my gifts from God. For my friends who do not understand it, have not experienced it, yet have the grace and nerve to ask me about it, and then TRULY listen, I am very grateful for you as well, and I hope I've told you that.

Today I miss Layla, I miss the innocense that I had in that first pregnancy before I saw a baby with no heartbeat completely still on that screen that day in September 2008. Thank you Nan for remembering my day with me and for honoring Layla with your sweet gift, I'm so grateful we both love butterflies like we do!!! The photo above is a candle that Nan sent me for Layla's EDD, so I lit it and sang 'happy birthday' to my girl.

Infertility--How can you help?!?

I'm borrowing this from the RESOLVE website and my dear friend at Baby On My Mind. It's an article on how to handle Infertility with someone that you know and love. Thanks so much for posting this and allowing me to pass it on. This is of course, not all encompassing, but it will give you a good idea.

How Can I Help? The Dos And The Don'ts Of Support
By Diane Clapp, BSN, RN and Merle Bombardieri, LICSW

Coping with Infertility can be extremely difficult for the family and friends of the couple going through infertility. As with any crisis it is difficult to know what to say. Because infertility is such a sensitive topic it is important to understand what you can and cannot say.

Let's start with what doesn't help, because the more you continue to say the wrong thing inadvertently, the deeper the rift will be between you and the couple. There is a universal list of No-No's that most infertile couples agree on. The following do's and don'ts should help you support the individual or couple who is struggling with infertility.

Don't Try to minimize the problem by saying, "Don't worry. At least you have each other and don't have cancer."

Do Listen to what the couple has to say about their experience and express empathy for their difficulties.

Don't Tell a couple who has had a miscarriage that it wasn't meant to be or that you know that they will be pregnant again soon and it will work the next time.

Do Realize that the couple has just lost a specific potential child who will never come again, no matter how wonderful the next pregnancy may be. Acknowledge how sad they must feel. Use the words "loss and sorrow"; don't be afraid to use the words that probably describe how the couple must feel.

Don't Give medical advice or doctor referrals without being asked or hearing the couple say they are looking for new information or referrals.

Do Tell the couple know that you'll be happy to listen to any details they want to share with you and that you would like to offer support during any procedures by a phone call or by offering to go with them to a medical appointment.

Don't Assume that new medical breakthroughs you read about in the paper will solve the couple's problems. The breakthrough announced by the news media may be irrelevant and if it is relevant, chances are the couple has seen the article and their medical team is knowledgeable about it.

Do Ask the couple if there are any books or articles that you could read to understand what they are going through medically.

Don't Expect the couple to act happy about attending baby showers, christenings and other family events that feature pregnant women and new babies.

Do Give them plenty of opportunity to decide whether to attend an event or whether to come late or leave early. They will not feel the need to avoid babies forever, but less contact right now may be a necessary part of their healing process.

Don't Start a discussion about infertility without paying attention to timing and to the couple's openness.

Do Choose a time when the couple's privacy is assured and ask the couple if they would like to talk. Couples experiencing infertility often feel out of control. Your letting them choose whether and when to talk about it gives them back some control.

Don't Assume that it is fine if you talk to your son's wife or your daughter's husband about their situation.

Do Respect the privacy needs of each individual and do not assume that they both want to talk about it with you.

Don't Offer unsolicited stories about others who have been successful at treatment or adoption. DO Tell them if they are ever interested you could put them in touch with a couple willing to talk about their infertility experience or adoption process. Let them decide whether they want to pursue that information. As a parent, family member, or friend, you want to make it better for the couple, to take away the pain. But probably the greatest gift you can give your loved one or friend is to be a listener, a sounding board. Instead of erasing the pain, you can diminish it by your caring. One of the hardest questions to ask someone is, "How can I help you?" It is such a difficult question because you should be prepared for their answer and not the answer that you think they will say or should say. To ask that question and to trust the response that you hear is a powerful step in your efforts to help the couple struggling with this kind of crisis.

Article taken from http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=cop_tainf_jffaf

For those family members and friends who have to deal with us infertiles, we know it's hard, believe us, we're living it, but we do appreciate that you want to help and make things better. I would like to make one big warning and put it out there...

PLEASE, please, please do not ask a woman or man (couple) struggling with infertility if they have considered adoption. I can assure you that the thought has run through their mind, and if they aren't in a place to be ready for that, or if they don't feel comfortable with it ever, you will only hurt them further. I'm not sure if I can adequately put it into words, but I'll try...It's like saying to them, you have no hope of having a biological child. You might as well give up. You're hopeless and broken and should move on. Now, now, I know that's generally NOT what anyone means by that, but when you feel those things inside, when you struggle daily with being unable to do the one thing you were MADE to do, that is immediately what runs through your head, consciously or not. It's painful! You may say as the article says that you have people who've battled infertility and you'd be glad to get them in touch with them or something along those lines. I find it helpful to give them links to these great blogs that are out there, so pass it on all you like!!

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but my blog is meant to be real, truthful, and honest, and I'm hoping that it's just that and can help someone out there!!

Emotions

I think that emotions are a bummer. Mainly because the yucky ones sneak up without cause. I shouldn't be having a rough day today, but I am. It's just been a funky Tuesday.

Today I miss my babies. Some days I'm ok, and though I always think about it, some days are better than others, this is an other day!! People are pregnant everywhere, you never notice how much until it's not you and you desperatly want it to be you! It's just a hard place to be.

I feel like a lot of the joy with my adoption has been taken secondary to the stressful situations we've faced, the possibility of it not happening (for a few weeks there), and the concern over whether or not it will happen in the end. All of these things are so beyond my control that I must daily surrender them to God and know that He will provide. Sometimes I just wonder when and if He will provide a baby for me and Sean. I pray so, I pray that this adoption works out for us.

Today I'd like to say a huge thank you to my girls, specifically the other four of the fab 5 that are traveling this road with me. Without the love of Andrea, Nan, Shandrea, and Angie, I'm sure this road would have been infinitely harder. I am grateful each and every day that God gave me these sweet friends to walk this road with hand and hand! I wanted to share the necklace that I got from Andrea and Nan that is so very special to me. It has my babies' names on it and their birthstones! Thank you girls for this, it means the world to me!

Prepping for Cala baby

I shocked that I'm going to have a baby in 106 days, if she goes to her due date! This path has seemed long and unending & it leaves you disillusioned and some say pessimistic. I (and those who've lost, or struggled with IF) will say we're cautious and sometimes we just can't believe it's finally happening for us!

For those of you who are now pregnant, or awaiting your adopted child, who by the way is fully yours, you just were blessed with a special delivery agent, I say I know your trepidation, I echo your broken scared hearts, but I pray we all throw caution to the wind and BELIEVE we too are going to get our happy endings.

I'm trying that now! I've started looking for furniture for Cala and picking everything from pack-n-plays to bouncy seats to diaper bags!!!! I'm enjoying it, but I'll say Baby Mama helps! She texted today and said 'i'm excited for you to be a mommy'! That's a plus! Adoption can be amazing!!!

I had a friend message me today and she said something that I found profound about adoption. She said she's watched so many special friends suffer through infertility while she's watched such undeserving peolple have children over and over, but that maybe our infertility was God's way of getting certain very special babies to these very special families, that maybe otherwisewe wouldn't have considered it at all! True true Dr. Gardner, thanks for the insight!

God is good all the time. All the time God is good! (Though some days it's way harder to see til you're way on the other side!!)

Babydust and love to you all!!

Lonely

That word seems to penetrate the world of people with fertility issues. We all blog and we share and we comfort each other, but this road is lonely! Each person experiences this differently and though we share experiences, no two cases are exactly the same! In talking to my great friend C that I've been friends with for years now, who is starting the IVF journey, she said it, she feels so lonely!! We talk a lot about how we feel and we share experiences, but it is still lonely! Infertility is lonely. It's so lonely that I hate to write the word even!

Everyone's road is different and I respect them all. One may not be right for me that is right for you, and my journey into adoption may not be right for other people. Adoption is in itself different for everyone. For us, we are super-blessed, very greatful to have found a great birthmother who is sweet, funny, smart, and organized. Those are traits that I think fit well with our family and we are greatful!

I want to share that this journey itself is a lonely one as well. The ins and outs of adoption are so complicated, and you have to travel that road and figure it out as you go. I wish I could tell you that it's simple and cut and dry but it's not. It's lonely to not know how to handle each situation and to have to figure it out. I want to emphasize that it is hard for me, for Sean, for Baby Mama, for our birthfather, for my family and friends, for Baby Mamas family and friends. In our situation it's hard to watch her go through this and hard for us to go through it as well. We are thrilled to be adopting Cala, we know she's meant to be in our family, but I don't want to mislead anyone into thinking this is super easy.

Every step of this infertility is hard and each part of the process has to be navigated, some parts are easier than others, but they all must be taken to reach our baby dreams!

So, here's to those lonely steps that bring us to our babies and to knowing that ultimately, regardless of how lonely we've felt, God never leaves us alone.