Hallelujah

Well, that was my facebook post yesterday (still is since I don't change it every 5 seconds), and this is why...

We got back our test results from everything with Dr. S at the best clinic ever (hope that doesn't change). It seems weird to say that I'm excited that they found something, but for those of us who have had more than one loss, you know that having a reason is paramount. If you have a reason, you know what to do, you know if you can treat it, you feel that you've been responsible by finding it so as not to have another loss, and you are glad to know it's nothing that you 'did' that caused your losses.

With all of that said, all of hubby's tests came back normal, hooray for the love of my life! He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I, however, wasn't so lucky! If you've lost more than one child, you know that it makes you feel like a little death trap, and you want to stop it if you can. Many women who lose more than one baby don't even want to try again for fear of killing another baby. Sounds dramatic, but really it's how we feel.

Without further ado, I have hyperactive Natural Killer Cells!! Yep, these little cells are in everyone's body, mine are on overdrive, which means they are attacking my embryos, usually before they ever implant, but obviously twice ours got past that (which to me means that Layla and Michael were some serious fighters!!!). This is good news because as Dr. S says "if you have to have something wrong, this is a good one because it's easily treatable!". There are a few choices for treatment and the clinic where I go is fairly cutting edge, so we will be using IV intralipids to treat the NK cells, or suppress them so they don't keep killing my babies!

We are very happy to have an answer/diagnosis! I finally feel hopeful after a very long time of feeling despondent. Since we know what is happening, we actually have a plan. This new clinic is full of helpful people, who are kind to me, call me by name (which is my nickname, but they got it right the first time), and didn't freak out when I had a mini mental last week and cried on the phone to all of them! So, here's praying that a plan ends with a happy, healthy, "bring home baby" (that term is thanks to my friend, Katharine, I like it!).

Special thanks to Andrea, Shandrea, and Nan for encouraging (pushing me when I couldn't do it myself) me to find a new RE!!

And again I say Hallelujah, and share this song with you!

P.S. If anyone is interested in the clinic that I'm going to and my RE, you are welcome to email me and ask, I'll answer any questions I can! (deni.troxclair@gmail.com)

Something I must repeat

to myself over and over again. 2 Timothy 1:7 "But the Lord did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." I do find myself afraid of many things. I think once you've lost a baby, you live in a state of fear. When you've not been pregnant in 16 months, you are again filled with fear. Will I ever be pregnant again? Will I end up with children? I know, I know, yes, I will, of course, some how, some way. At what cost? People who don't suffer losses and infertility don't understand the things that go along with fertility treatment both physically and mentally, and at times spiritually. It is exhausting!!

Today I had my HSG done. My appointment was for 8:30am (please remember that it is almost 2 hours away from my house, so I drove last night), and they didn't even call me back until 9:30. Seriously, while I watched two people bring in their children, one girl looked maybe 20, maybe. The other couldn't be bothered to get up and pick her child up off the floor while he crawled towards the automatic doors. The procedure itself only lasted about 10 mins, maybe. It was painful for a few minutes, but that didn't last long and I haven't felt bad today, just a little bloated. This was done in the outpatient clinic with a Radiologist who was very nice, and told me that everything looked great, no problems that he could see. I got a CD-ROM copy to take to the RE. Yes, that's good news.

Afterwards, I trucked it with my trusty sidekick, Brittany, who accompanied me to Dallas, so I didn't have to travel alone (Thanks Britt!!) to a completely different building to go to my RE's office for a blood draw. No, didn't need to see the RE, just needed blood draw for the Natural Killer cell test, so it could be overnighted to Chicago for testing. I sat there for over 30 mins. There was not another person there, not a single other person. I didn't see or hear another person there when I went back to get my blood drawn. Why the heck did I have to wait for 30 mins? Seriously, they knew I was coming. It was annoying.

With two good test results so far, we wait for the results from the two blood tests. They said the NK test would take 7-10 days. The other test we're waiting on should be in by next Friday, so I'm hoping they are both here by then. I'm scared about what we might learn, but really I'm scared that we won't learn anything at all, we will be out even more money with no new answers, and therefore, no plan to work on from here. Then I have to tell myself that God didn't give me this spirit of fear, that this is from satan and that he is lying to tell me that we might never end up with a baby.

Then I try to cling on and on to the promises that I know are true, that God will not allow me to be tested beyond what I can bear. I know that God is good, that He has good plans for me, plans for me to prosper. I need to give a shout out to a few people who really have been great to me over the past few weeks, months, years, really, but they shouldn't go without mention...

First, my sweet husband, who tolerates my neurosis and loves me anyway. He always lifts me up and encourages me and I am so blessed to have him on this journey with me!

Then I must thank Julie, Britt, Shawn, Emily W, Andrea, Nan, Shandrea, Angie, Bree, Rachel, Gracie, Amanda, Karla, Leah, Caryn, Mom, and Rene'. I know that there are others, I'm sorry if I missed you, but for my sweet friends who support me so much I'm forever grateful!!