I'm BA-ACK!!!!!

I haven’t been blogging for years, but I’m ready to jump back in, rather I’ve been ready, but just could not for various reasons that I’ll likely get into later.  This blog has always been about infertility and I’ve never wanted to share kids on here because well, that can be painful when you are in the trenches; however, life has changed a lot, I’ve changed a lot and I have a ton to say, not just about infertility, though that will always be close to my heart.

Since I last wrote we have adopted a son, fought a two-year battle to have his adoption finalized, and caused me more anxiety than I ever understood.  I’ve had marital ups and downs with lots of crazy growth there.  We have a new dog that we rescued, we have zero cats.  My daughter who was conceived via IVF has not only gone to preschool but is now in Kindergarten.  I started an infertility group that began meeting IRL, but now is all online, though we try to meet up for dinner sometimes, schedules don’t seem to be cooperating with us lately.  The group started with just a few people and is over 200 now, where a lot of babies have been born and some have been lost.  That community has been a life-line to me and I hope it’s giving back as much as it’s giving.  Having that and getting to interact there and share, it's like I always keep a piece of Layla and Michael alive. 

We have moved from Texas back to Louisiana WOO HOO!!!  I have delved into a network marketing business and done something I was always terrified of, which is sales.  I’m with a new company that focuses on clean products and getting chemicals eliminated from our self-care products, which is huge.  I actually found out today that when the company started only 11 chemicals were banned from makeup and skincare and with the help of our company it is now up to 30!!!!  Still such a long way to go, but progress is always good! 

I want to share beauty products here, but that won’t be my main goal.  My main goal will be to share about life and how perhaps what we thought was the fairy tale really wasn’t at all.  I’ve always been real here and life is a beautiful ride, but it is in fact, quite the ride.   I want to share hilarious things my kids say and do because seriously those fools are so funny!  No doubt I’ll talk about marriage, friendship, small groups, and motherhood, life, those are the things I want to talk about, the nitty gritty thing about life and love and loss and struggle and laughter and hope.  All of it. 

I hope you’ll continue to join me here periodically.  Writing is and has always been so cathartic to me, so I hope I can make you laugh, make you think, and make you feel visible in a world where it’s easy to feel invisible!

Join The Movement...Don't Offer Things You Can't Give.

The title here might sound strange or angry or something negative, but it really isn't. I worry sometimes that people read this blog and think that I'm so negative and so focused on infertility that I don't enjoy my life, which simply isn't true. This just happens to be my "safe" place to discuss the things that infertility has taught me or is teaching me. Oftentimes subjects that come up are from a discussion I have had with another infertile friend or someone who is not, but it brings up an idea. I assure you I am very happy and enjoy my blessings daily, my Facebook, Instagram, and private blog are for that!! I always want this to be a safe place for infertiles to read!

So the subject that I wanted to touch on today is that of offering something that you really cannot give. I cannot tell you, because I did not keep track, how many people offered to be a surrogate for me. While I typically appreciated the somewhat selfless offer, I was also no where near the point of considering that, nor would I have any idea how to approach it. The thing about surrogacy that I've learned recently is that (at least in Louisiana) the egg donor, or biological mother has little to no rights. A surrogate could carry a baby that has no biological connection to her, aside from being baked in her belly (not making light of that its HUGE) and can decide to keep the baby because she has become "attached". This horrified me! Most people who offer to be surrogates have been pregnant before and did not mind the process (some people do not enjoy pregnancy, even ones who fought tooth and nail to be pregnant--I'm one of them), and therefore think they could do this as a gift to someone else. I like to believe that the world is full of wonderful selfless people and that this would never happen in real life. Lets be real people are people and we are all flawed, hence my husband and I being scammed by a crook who acted for six months as if she were going to give us a baby only to swindle money out of us (she had done it before and will probably do it again)! You just do not know how you would respond in such a situation if you nurtured and loved and cared for a baby for 9 months and then had to turn around and give him/her to someone else.

For me personally, having been through two miscarriages, I couldn't imagine if I had put my embryos in someone else and then she miscarried. The level of hurt and blame there is hard to comprehend.

Now before someone thinks I'm dogging surrogacy, please know that I'm not at all, what I am saying is please please please do not offer such a service to a friend who is fighting infertility unless you have honestly and thoroughly considered the full scale of what that means. While you may have just been making a polite gesture, they may be seriously considering needing a surrogate and to come back and request it of you and be denied is another type of pain that no one needs to endure.

What can you do then? What can you say? Say you care, say you do NOT understand (I promise we don't want you to understand), say you will listen even if you don't get it, say you are honestly praying for them, for guidance, for miracles, for peace. Feel free to tell us you don't get it, you don't want to, it makes you uncomfortable, but that you will go to a fun movie and laugh with us or a sad movie and cry with us. Let us take your kids to the park, the book store, the movies, something that lets us pretend for just one minute that we could be great parents! One of the most fun days I had was picking up my friend's daughter from daycare, taking her to the park, and to the book store. I got to spoil her, no I didn't tell people she was mine, but I got to enjoy the things they got to enjoy daily!

If you are honestly up to it (and it would take guts) say you will go to a support group meeting with them. Read infertility blogs so you can understand more. I've had a few sweet sweet friends contact me and say, I don't know what to do but my friend just lost a baby, can you give me some ideas? Or should I tell my infertile friend I'm pregnant and how? Just the idea that you cared enough to ask someone else would warm their hearts more than you know!

I could go on and on about what to do and what not to do, but I will stop here for today! I'm always willing to answer questions though, so post them in comments or email me!

National Infertility Awareness Week--speak up!

In honor of NIAW

That is National Infertility Awareness Week.

I have had some of these thoughts swirling around in my head for a while and thought, "what better time to post than now?"

A blog I follow had a wonderful post today and I wanted to send you there to read that as she is currently battling infertility and had a quite enlightened post so visit cgd here and read her post on IF myth (April 25th post).

She really nails a lot of the details of facts surrounding IVF.  She's somewhat of an expert at this point and drives home in an eloquent way, that IVF is in fact, not for everyone.

Here are some things that I feel about infertility:

1.  It is immensely lonely, that is why people who "meet" on the internet through IF circumstances feel instantly bonded, because so many people do NOT understand.
2.  People try so hard to say the right things and mostly end up hurting us worse.
3.  Just because something worked for your mom/sister/cousin/co-worker doesn't mean it will work for me, and I promise, you don't suddenly have a new idea that hasn't already been tried or crossed an IFers mind, so please refrain.
4.  Please don't ever use the phrase, "Why don't you just fill in the blank (adopt, relax, use a surrogate, do IVF)".  Just implies that we haven't tried hard enough, cared enough, put in enough effort, etc.  It is insulting.
5.  Don't compare what we're going through to something you went through that is unrelated or even related, but not the same.  (I read tons of blogs, and try to NEVER say, well when I had/did/etc. because it's painful and pointed, as if again we haven't done enough).
6.  If you haven't experienced infertility or loss, please don't give suggestions or advice, as we don't give them about things we have no experience with.

When we set out to adopt, we never dreamed that we would be swindled out of thousands of dollars and left heartbroken, deceived, and empty armed, that was not the experience anyone else had told us about.  When my friend's mom adopted 27 years ago, she never dreamed she's be dealing with her son's birth mother grieving his death as well, and feel obliged to comfort her through her own grief.  I know lots of beautiful adoption stories!  One of my pledge sisters is adopted (actually two) and they have had nothing but positive experiences, they are beautiful, happy, well-rounded individuals, who know that was God's plan for their lives.  My sweet friend, Amanda, adopted one of the cutest kids you'll ever see and so far it's been a fairytale (since paperwork was finished etc, up until then--nightmare).  Adoption is not an easy road.  I have a friend adopting right now, and the baby was born on Friday and she didn't find out until today--do you have any clue what that does to a mother?  (And please don't say she doesn't even know that baby yet, she's been preparing for months!).  Adoption is beautiful and wonderful and a blessing and it is absolutely the plan God has for some people, but it is NOT for everyone, so suggesting that to anyone who is struggling to have a baby is actually rude.

On another note, suggesting surrogacy is also not ok, yes, we've thought about it!  Yes, it worked for SJP and Nicole Kidman (did you see how the press attacked her?!!?).  Have any of you been watching Brothers and Sisters and seen what's going on there with the surrogate--and please don't tell me that's just tv, where do you think they got the idea?  That happened to someone--seriously, and while it may turn out all fine and blah blah blah, you have no idea how that being taken advantage of can damage your trust of humans, how it can rip your heart out.  I also ask if any of you knows the costs of surrogacy???  It starts--STARTS at $60K.  What?!?!  Very few people have that kind of disposable cash (hence the SJP's and NK's doing it, not your cousin or BFF).  Then there are so many other things to think about.  Can you use your eggs, his sperm, a donor, a friend, how will you tell your child/children when they get older?  None of these things cross your mind usually until the deed is done and then you have to worry about it later!

IVF--been there, done that and can tell you, that's no picnic either.  The drugs alone are $$$ and they hurt, and I'm no wuss with needles.  The stress of giving yourself shots daily at the right time can also send you into a tail spin of fear and panic, seriously, I was a nervous wreck the whole time, not to mention the time I actually left my meds at home when I went out of town--WRECK--as my hubby!!!  There is so much stress, so much pressure on you and your husband to do things right, to not forget anything, and for it to WORK.  It strains any relationship, and there is nothing romantic about having a catheter inserted in your privates to 'place' your embryos there.  Not to mention the things the hormones do to your body (and I wasn't on a high dosage), but they make you crazy!  And if you looked at the above mentioned article you know that success rates aren't always in some one's favor. Believe me we thank God daily that we were in the 'lucky' group, honestly, I've read so many things of people who were not that that will scare the begeezus out of you too!  I've also known of plenty of people to get pregnant and not take home a baby, so it's not a cure all.  This doesn't even scratch the surface of all the available fertility treatments or the questions and issues that arise from each one, ethical, moral, and monetary concerns that come up, but that would be a much longer post! :)

What about Foster Parenting?  I believe people who do that are Saints in most cases (I've heard of abuse and the like, but in general, they are amazing!).  I've worked with children in foster care doing speech therapy, and the things they endure with these children is mind boggling.  And just take this one scenario, you have a wonderful child come live with you, you nurture them, get them on a good track, they are healing emotionally, and you are in love---Then, they are returned to the home that made them hurt in the first place.  No thank you for me, I'm not saying it's not a good thing, again I think people who do this are Saints, I'm entirely too selfish.  Check out the post on www.rantsfrommommyland.com titled Domestic Enemies of Foster Parents.

Some other things that are good to know... It doesn't help when you say things like "Well, at least you can still go on trips when you want to", "Be glad you get to sleep 8 hours every night", "I'd kill for a completely quiet house", "You can have one of my kids" (seriously, would you give us one?  Because we'll honestly take one off of your hands if they put you out that much!), "At least you still have your body".  These things are shallow and void.  Most of us would give anything to carry a baby, or adopt a baby (without complications), or whatever it took.  We are actually jealous that you are having sleepless nights, feeling like crap while pregnant, or missing a tropical vacation to have a child look at you and tell you they love you!  There is no amount of discomfort we wouldn't endure to have a child depend on us, look at us adoringly, or run screaming through target from us!

So, to end this long rant of my own, please don't brush off infertility with a comment that can hurt someone.  It is emotionally damaging, it is isolating, and it is one of the hardest things a marriage can endure (if it does endure that is).  Sometimes people just need to talk about how they feel, what they miss, and how they wish things were different.  Give them that opportunity, or point them my way--I'm always open for a good chat! :)

Blog Friends

This weekend I had the opportunity to meet another blog friend.  Jennifer @ Thoughts from a Blonde and I have been bloggie friends for a while now.  I was so excited that she brought home her gorgeous baby girl, Ellie, in January after battling infertility and waiting through the adoption process.

We met at PF Chang's (a mutual favorite) and had a long lunch and good chats, then we did a little shopping and a LOT of chatting!  It's always awesome to visit with a fellow infertility sufferer and to compare notes, mostly on things that people tell us.  Jennifer shared that she was given the opportunity to talk to the women's group at her church and share her experiences with all ages represented.  One of her biggest gems of advice (which I completely agree with) was that asking someone when they are going to have children is not ok, not ever.  We know it's just a way of starting conversation, but you never know when you are crushing someone who is currently battling infertility or loss, or if you're causing someone to be defensive because they don't want children.  It's hard enough to battle that without having to constantly answer that question, to which my favorite response is "It's not for lack of trying".  People who choose not to have children should be respected for their choices, not condemned.  It made me so proud of Jennifer for being so strong and sharing things that we all really want to share!  Thank you sweet friend for using your experience for good!

On that same note, when someone adopts, telling them that now they'll get pregnant is also inappropriate.  I know some of you may be thinking that we tried to adopt and now I'm pregnant, and the truth is we felt forced that way due to our adoption scam and had to seek further invasive, expensive fertility treatments. So, yes, we are having a baby and we couldn't be more happy, but this baby does not replace my lost babies or the one we prepared for last summer.  Though it does happen, it is not the "norm" to just "get pregnant" after adoption.  The true statistics are that "most" people do NOT.  This could inadvertently offend someone who sought embryo adoption or who chooses to be much more private about their fertility treatments.  So, try to avoid that stereotypical "oh now you'll get pregnant" comment.

Anyhow, we had so much fun and her little Ellie is a bundle of absolutely adorable cuteness!!! I loved her chubby cheeks, giving smooches, and making funny faces!  She is a miracle and they are precious!

Her little bonnet was keeping the sun out of her eyes!

That smile is intoxicating!!!

Meeting bloggie friends is just too much fun (especially when they are this cute!!).

I LOVE Louisiana

I'm sure if you've read much of this blog you know I'm from Louisiana, and that I love Louisiana. I love the people, the spirit, the food, the festivals (that are all about the food), the customs, the food, the spanish moss, the trees, the history, the crooked politics, the food, that my husband is from south Louisiana (which for those who don't know that is a complete other world and I'm a yankee since I'm from above I-10), that my husband can cook a jambalaya or gumbo that will make you want to kiss him (but you better not try LA girls have tempers of fire), the food, the diversity, and the football---LSU and Saints!!!!!

Today my FIL came in town bearing wonderful treats, first goodies from their organic garden (these veggies make others taste like crap), and meat!! He brought alligator sausage, boudin, and more boudin--yummy! I think you may have seen that the thing I love best is the food! It's nice to have things from home and to get to enjoy them here in the lone start state.

Another shout out to friends who are wanting to adopt!!! Please go onto facebook and like Help Andrew and Leslie Adopt a Child! Sweet friends from home have been through their own very trial filled road and they deserve a child and happiness as much as any people I know!

Keep your ears and eyes open...

My sweet blog friend, Summer, has an adoption website that is now up. I know lots of people read this blog and don't comment much, but please please Keep Your Antenna's up for my sweet friends!!! This is how we got the word out about our desire to adopt last fall and I know it can work!

You can go to www.browniesadopt.com and see their profile, and if you 'hear' of a birth mother considering a great family for her baby--pass this quick easy information on to her ASAP!!!

My stance on adoption at the moment...

I will start this by saying that this isn't going to be a positive post, nor will it be a poor me one either, but I have a little vent to share.

Obviously, the thought of going into another adoption has been one that we've had a hard time with. Once you've been preyed upon by the likes of a horrible human being, taken advantage of, and had your dreams crushed once again, it takes a lot to want to put yourself right back out there. Still, we have discussed it, we weighed the pros and cons of private versus agency and started looking into agencies. Honestly, we didn't go with an agency originally because I never had a 'peaceful' feeling when researching any of them. Each website, each 'happy story' all left me with a feeling of 'yuck'. Not exactly what you're looking for when planning on investing lots of time and money, must less your heart. Still, after having dealt with that sorry excuse for a person we thought was our birth mother, we decided that maybe an agency would be on the safer side. So, again, back to the books, back to research, back to looking. I came across multiple agencies (more than I can count), took recommendations from others, and started perusing...

This is what I found:

1. Many of these places charge outrageous fees with very little description as to where the money goes specifically. I am not saying that it is not a pricey venture and we would pay any price for a child, but when I looked at a sliding scale and saw that our 'base price' (other fees were pretty certain to come) was 20K more than the lowest, honestly, I couldn't stomach it! I don't feel it should cost more for my husband and I to adopt because we make more money. That screams 'business' to me, and while I am certain it is very helpful for those on the lower end of the income scale, the prices (with multiple agencies), literally made me sick to my stomach. A friend of a friend reported her adoption costing 5-6K more dollars because her daughter was not 'of color'. Really?!? How is that ethical?

2. We've completed a home study, we've had a social worker inspect our homes, ask us every personal question in the book, things you couldn't imagine being asked. We answered willingly, honestly, and understood that they must be so responsible when placing a child in a new home. I wouldn't want them to be anything but COMPLETELY PARTICULAR. My problem has arisen in looking at agencies. My husband and I don't attend the same church, we were raised in different Christian faiths. We believe in God, we worship Him, and know that He is in control of all of the things we've suffered these past three years. Here's where my problem lies...

All of the "Christian" agencies refuse to approve us because we aren't attending church on a weekly basis together. Yep, you heard me! And I'm sorry if you feel this is a requirement for adoption, I do NOT agree. I know what great parents hubby and I will be and I don't want some judgemental 'approval' board giving me the yay or nay on whether or not we can adopt. We've already been approved to adopt, we've completed our home study, we've had counseling, we've had full federal background checks.

My conversation with one agency yesterday went this way...

Lady: Hello, this is _____ from _______ adoption agency. Do you have a minute to talk? (Tone was very cold, very harsh, and she sounded annoyed)

Me: Yes, I'm just driving right now. How are you?

Lady: Were you unable to fill out the questionnaire online?

Me: Um, no we printed it, but were told that wasn't necessary simply for the application and that you would call us to discuss the application and approval process and we'd turn that in later.

Lady: Weeeell, obviously that is going to be an important factor in our addressing your church issue.

Me: Um, church issue?

Lady: You and your husband do NOT attend the same church, correct?

(You can see where this conversation started to disintegrate before it started).

After a short explanation, and her informing me ever so kindly (ha!) that they could NOT just make exceptions to their rules for anyone, I interrupted her and explained...

"My husband and I have suffered two miscarriages and a failed adoption where we were completely scammed, robbed of money, and lost another child. In this situation many people would lose faith, they would feel abandoned, they would quit. Our faith has only grown, individually and together. We are certain that God wants us to have children, we KNOW that He will provide and I feel no need to justify to you my faith in order to be "approved" with your agency. We will have children and if it isn't through your agency or any other, that doesn't discourage me, we WILL have children." (Mind you I had explained that I am a youth director, which does, in fact, mean that I work for a church--WITH CHILDREN!).

Anyhow, her response was simply, "Well, obviously we are not going to be a match with your family. Good bye!" Click!!!

I would like to say that this was an isolated event, and while she's the only one who has been that outwardly rude, I've had 3+ agencies tell me that our not attending church together was a deal breaker, that we would indeed need a signed letter from our pastor attesting to our regular attendance! Who knew a Christian couldn't even adopt from a Christian agency. And we wonder why we get such a bad name?!?!

I would like to conclude by saying this, had she actually listened, had she called with a decent attitude, had she been the least bit pleasant I wouldn't have been so angry. I was under the impression that she was going to be "discussing" with us our spiritual walk and our family plans, but that was NOT what she was doing.

So, while I'm still a firm believer in adoption, and know of the good that it brings, and am sure that there are great agencies and people out there, our current adopting is on hold until further notice. It is highly likely that we will adopt in the future, but for now, I'd like to not have anyone judge me on my relationship with God, or my husband's relationship with God. Wow!! Needed to share that for sure!!!

My Blog

I've written a few blog entries the past two days and haven't been able to post them, as they seem too sad or negative. Here's the thing though, this is my blog and I am SAD! Nothing I say is meant to hurt or upset anyone else and I really am not looking for any sympathy or uplifting "God's in control" responses. The thing is this: I know God is in control. I also know that my pain hurts Him, and that He knows the waves and the seasons of grief. Grief is not something you can control and make bow to your whims, or show up only when it's convenient. Grief sucks the life out of you, while you watch from the sidelines wishing you could stop it.

I'm sad because there is supposed to be a 2 month old baby in my house, crying, pooping, sleeping, and pretty much consuming all of my time. Currently all that I can here is my dogs wrestling and the tap of my own fingers on the keyboard of my computer. I'm sad because a truly evil, heinous person stole six months of my life. She preyed on my pain, manipulated my heart, and left me with nothing but anger. Had we not been pursuing the adoption with her, we would've been looking for another birth mother, researching agencies, seeing an RE before 13 days ago. We've wasted so much time on something so painful. I have an empty completely ready nursery and the only consolation that I have is knowing that bitch is behind bars. At least she's not cuddling the sweet baby, who is now without a mother! My intention is to do everything in my power to make sure that she remains behind bars, so that she never has the opportunity to do this to another family (especially since we are the second family she's done this to). P.S. I hope her mother rots in hell too!

Every day it seems I hear of yet another person who is pregnant or giving birth to a healthy happy baby or two, and it doesn't get easier. It actually gets harder. Most of the time I'm very happy for these people, but again saddened for myself. This dream of parenthood continues to happen for other people over and over again so easily, while I sit empty armed in a silent house. No one did this to me and it's not any one's fault, but it sucks to have people not even want to tell you that they are pregnant because they know it's going to hurt you. It sucks to feel like a bad person all of the time. It sucks to be jealous. It sucks to want to have good excuses to skip baby showers. It sucks to not want to hold or see new babies. It sucks to look at how old all of your friends' children are an imagine where yours would be. It sucks to want to celebrate with other people, but not have the physical or emotional strength to do so. This whole thing of loss and infertility sucks, every which way and backwards it sucks. Sometimes you wish you could stay in that oblivious state where you weren't aware of certain things, like how crappy certain friends are (or the fact that they aren't really friends at all), or how scary pregnancy is (as my BLM friends who are pg again can't function for fear of another loss), or how much you don't even want to be around yourself some days (I can only imagine how others feel about me, lucky for most I live in another state now).

Then the RE's office informs me today that the blood test that I need to have done can't be done on a Friday. Thank you for that announcement after I've already scheduled my HSG for Friday, as I need to be in Dallas on Saturday anyway. So, now I have to reschedule it all, and it's just frustrating. Had I gotten in to see the MD at my scheduled time (not 50 mins later) I might have been able to have blood drawn for this test that day, and not rearrange my entire schedule. And before anyone tells me about how it will all be worth it, please save your breathe, if I hear that one more flipping time, I might lose my mind! Seriously, I'm well aware that I will do whatever it takes to have a baby of my own, but unless you've dealt with the numerous sticks, pokes, prods, reschedules, new schedules, tests, driving, waiting, hurrying, waiting, hurrying, waiting, getting excited, being devastated, trying to hold it together day in and day out, please don't say any of that cliche' crap that you think will be helpful. It's not! Seriously, not helpful at all!

I debated not writing such a downer post, but this is me. These feelings are real, they hurt, and if you don't want to read them, you certainly don't have to. My intention is not to hurt anyone else's feelings, or to make anyone uncomfortable. This blog is to help me heal, to maybe give a little insight to those who are living with a baby lost mom or infertile, and to have something to look back on and see how far we've come.

While being so frustrated and sad today I came across this blog entry and wanted to share it, as it is completely true, and I do continue to praise the One who took my is always constant!

***And yes, I know this will pass and in a day or two I'll feel much better. You can look for a peppier post soon!****

Update: a nice little run in the rain will help too! Wish I could breathe better, but still good for the soul!!!

Overwhelmed

Our birthmother will go into the hospital and be induced on Thursday morning. Sweet baby Cala will be here before we know it!

I feel overwhelmed, to know that my life will be changing so much what seems like overnight! I know that we have been prepping and getting ready, but today there are no children in my house and as of Thursday, I will be a mom--finally!!!

With that being said, I know that this situation is bringing my family much joy and excitement, but it will be a loss for another family. Please pray for them as they endure this great loss. Pray for peace, for comfort, and for healing, which I know will take time and never fully occur.

This has been a bumpy ride, and much harder than I think I anticipated. There are just things that you can't anticipate, and while I love surprises in gift form, I do not like surprises in my personal life. So, it has been hard, but completely worth it the whole way. Continue to pray for our birthmother as she makes this difficult decision and transition.

Coming soon...Cala Fay Troxclair!!!

Random

I haven't been writing much lately because I've had a lot going on, in life, in my head, etc. It's been a weird time for me.

If things go as planned our birthmother will be admitted to the hospital on Wednesday night (June 30th) next week and will probably deliver on July 1st. There have been some serious questions as to whether or not this was actually going to work out, so that's why none of this has been a subject on my blog. Some stuff is too private for blogging, you know. But today she informed me of the impending delivery of this little baby girl. So, as I sit here on a regular old Thursday night, I wonder if next Thursday night my whole world will be upside down? It's surreal to think that there could be a baby in our home in a few weeks (we'll have to stay in Louisiana to have paperwork finished before we can cross state lines). It's overwhelming. I think I used that word with Britt a few times today, overwhelming. I need to get some bottles, as that's one thing I have none of. So, I guess...here we go!!!

Aside from that I'm planning some new half marathon training. There is a half here on October 10th, so my sister, and my Julie are planning on coming over to run it and I think, quite a few of my running family is planning on coming too. I think Skinner is going to sit this one out, on the running end, but I'm going to see if she'll bring the cheer squad, in the form of herself and her two cute kiddos! The other D, said he's up for it, so the Double D's will be running it, he's who ran in NOLA with me--love me some D! So, here I sit typing when running it what I should be doing. Today is only 30 mins with five 30sec pickups throughout the run. I can do this!! I haven't been too active lately, well aside from weeding some 2 acres of flowerbeds, which are murder on my back! So, I'm invisioning my shoes lacing up themselves and my legs pulling me through a 30 min session... That visual stuff never works for me!

I haven't forgotten about the guessing of the birthdate, weight, and length prizes, you will be getting them when the baby is born, unless something goes wrong, in which case I claim full right to drop the ball on that!

So, please send up lots of prayers for us. For a smooth birth for our birthmother, for a healthy baby, for mine and Sean's sanity, and for those surrender papers to be signed 5 days after birth so Cala can be our forever baby girl! (My hands are shaking typing that!!).

****Just a note, I did, in fact run, it was exhilarating and painful! (In a good way). But I did feel like I was underwater in this soaring humidity from the fresh (much needed) rain here in the sweltering south today! Still, mission accomplished!***

What to write

I've come and started a number of posts tonight, but there really aren't words for what I'm feeling right now. Or maybe it's just that they aren't words that I want to put on here.

So, I'll do what I usually do, and I'll just be honest. I just read Lori's blog where she tells the story of the birth and death of sweet Matthew. I bawled my eyes out. It was cathartic for me. Do you know that feeling where things are so very overwhelming that you know you need to cry, but you can't? That's where I was, so I thank her and her husband both for writing their story, so I could get out a good long cry.

I am a faithful person, and I know that God is good, and I know that fear is from the devil, but 'beans' if it doesn't just sneak up on you and sometimes swallow you whole. Somehow, satan keeps seeming to sneak in and steal my joy, to put all kinds of doubt in my mind, and to make me imagine that the worst is about to come. Maybe it is. Maybe July will come and we won't bring home a baby. These are my thoughts. I can't seem to stop them, no matter what I do. They stop for a day or two, maybe a few weeks, but then they come back and they torment me like some movie I've seen where evil spirits dance around someone. Maybe like in "Where the Wild Things Are" where they are dancing and singing around that little boy. Could it be that after so much loss and heartache in trying to become a mother, that I no longer believe that I can get my happily-ever-after? Some days that is how I feel. Today is one of those days. These days make you feel so isolated, so alone, so empty that you're not sure how to move forward. I don't care for these days even a little bit.

I continuously have to remind myself of the miracles that have already occured in my life. I remind myself that God is good, ALL THE TIME, that He is unchanging when everything around me is in constant flux. Whatever comes, whatever I face, whatever I'm tried with next is no match for my God. And I march forward. But for tonight, I'm exhausted, and NEED sleep, so I'm going to try that next.

This week was a beautiful one for me. I went on a mission trip to New Orleans, and I LOVE that city. I have for years, and have always wanted to live there, though that may never happen. To be able to go there and help provide a home for someone who doesn't have one, well, that my dear is just plain goodness. To see the hearts of the college students who went with us, to hear their love for God, to see the love that they continuously show to people around them regardless of that person's situation, that is priceless. Each day I am grateful that God has allowed me to work in youth ministry. Having two hilarious co-workers is just icing on that cake. I didn't want to move to Tyler, but I know I'm here for a reason and that God is so good.

(Sometimes you just have to write to get back into perspective!!).

Nursery pictures...

The much awaited nursery pictures are finally being posted. I'm very happy about how everything has turned out. I'm also excited about the things that I made myself, I covered her lamp shade, made the bulletin board, painted the Calla Lillies, and the "Monkey See Monkey Do" sign, put together the flower arrangement on her bookshelf, painted the letters of her name to match her bedding, and painted her cross and added the cute sequin monkey! I'm also going to do a nightlight to match her lampshade, so I'll post that later.

I decided to post a link to shutterfly for everyone to see the pictures there, as posting all of the pictures on here would be too much!! Also for those who don't want to look, you certainly don't have to!!!

http://calafaytroxclair.shutterfly.com/

I've also washed a lot of her clothes and put them in the closet, in her dresser, and am starting to pack up diaper bags.

I leave tomorrow for a mission trip in New Orleans with our college kids, which I'm very excited for, but I wanted to be as ready as possible before I left so I could give my all while I'm there. When I get back I'll be here for two weeks, then take our youth to camp, which I'm banking on being a life changing experience for them, so again I wanted to be able to give my all while we are there too! Please be praying for those trips, but also for our baby girl as we prepare to bring her home. She can come anytime after I get back from camp. Baby Mama will be 37 weeks on June 17th, which is full term, so we'll see when she arrives. Pray for an easy delivery for Baby Mama, as her first childbirth was very awful, and I know she doesn't want that to happen again! So, keep us all in your prayer!

Pregnancy Announcements abound

They are getting easier to hear, but they still sting. And it does seem like they are everywhere right now. Most of the ones I've heard lately are from fellow BLMs, which makes them so very bittersweet. There is nothing more that I wish for my sweet friends. Some of them are announcements that I'd rather not hear, and some make me really sad that it's not my announcement. Maybe that will always be the case, but I'm sure once Cala is here and in my arms, the announcements won't be nearly as hard to hear.

This brings me to a blogpost that I read just now on Anchored By Hope, you should check out the poem, it's very insightful!

We had a good time last night with friends here in Tyler and I was very happy that my dearest friend, Shawn, came over from Shreveport. I miss her a lot and it was just good to have her here and comfortable to have someone who knows you well enough to know that the reason you really like Drug Emporium is because they have cinnamon Certs (no one carries those anymore and they're my fav!!). I'm very blessed with very great friends, and Shawn is loyal beyond what could ever be expected.

When I mention a friend on here, I'm always worried that someone will get their feelings hurt that they weren't mentioned, that's not my intention, like I said I have many many many great friends that bless me beyond measure.

In saying that I'd also like to say Happy 3rd Birthday to my sweet godson, Henry, who is about the cutest little boy that you've ever seen, and I'm not biased! ;)

Finally, I want to just say thank you to everyone who has been praying for us lately. I know that you've been praying for a long time, but this past week I've been so filled with peace and calm, that I know that it has to be attributed to intercessory prayer, so thank you, ALL of you!!

Adoption specifics in Louisiana

We are adopting in Louisiana, and I have to say that for those of you who know me, that makes my heart smile a bit, as Cala will be born at the same hospital I was! How cool, huh?!!?

So, someone asked about why it takes so long in Louisiana. Who the heck knows, but in that state, the time for finalization of the adoption is one year after placement. I know in Texas it's only 6 months, and since my friend lives in Alabama, but did her adoption in Louisiana (she's from LA too!), there it is just a matter of you getting in front of a judge to finalize it, so that can be really quick (in Alabama). Every state is different, each have different laws, as to what you can provide a birthmother, if they do a paternal registry, how long it takes to finalize, etc. If you're interested in knowing more, there is a great chart in "The Idiot's Guide to Adoption" that lists some basics from state to state. It's good information to have.

We could move our adoption to Texas, in order to have it done faster, but that would require another attorney and more paperwork, who needs that, right?!?! So, we'll be official about a year after placement, though our hearing last week made us the legal guardians until then (after the birthmother signs over her rights). Another interesting fact, that I did not know is that the baby will not have our last name initially, that will also be official in a year, when the adoption is final. I will say I didn't love that, but I'm pretty sure they go by both names until then. She will have a new birth certificate issued with us listed as her parents, and giving her our last name. Interesting facts for you there.

If you ever have any other questions, please ask and I'll share whatever I know. I'm happy to help someone else with some of the background work for this process.

I have almost finished Cala's nursery, but I'm not posting pictures yet, I won't until it's done. Why? Because I'm OCD, and I want you to see the finished product! But I will say this... It is SOOOOO CUTE!!!!

Mother's Day

First of all, Happy Mother's Day to my mom, who gave me life, loves me unconditionally, taught me to love God, and supports me all the time. She gave me a Mother's day gift, from Layla and Michael. It's a pitcher from Pier One. We Reid women have a sick obsession with dishes. I seriously could buy dishes constantly, I have to make myself not do it! So, thank you for that Mom, that was a beautiful gesture and I appreciate it so very much. Layla and Michael are my children and I am their mother forever!

Secondly, it's Mother's Day (well technically not anymore since it's so late!). Today was fraught with ups and downs. Getting to church this morning and seeing friends was great, the music was, as usual, AWESOME. I'm grateful to go to a church (at home) with such great talent, and that makes me feel so at home, (no offense to my church here in Tyler, it's just not home). I started out fine and I flip-flopped between fine, ok, not-so-good, and sad all day long.

I'm putting this on here, so prepare. Dealing with a birthmother is H-A-R-D! I'm confident she feels the same way. She's having her own issues in life (which seem quite overwhelming without the whole 'I'm giving my baby to someone else' thing), and she's hormonal, and while we both have the best interest of the baby at heart, we are human people, dealing with our own human emotions. It doesn't help that we only communicate via text, which I think is a piss poor way to talk. That's all I seem to get, and you can't communicate feelings, emotion, and tone that way. So, I find that I think she is pissed pretty much constantly, and I think she thinks the same of me. Truth be told, sometimes I am pissed. I'm pissed that she is carrying this baby and I'm not. I'm pissed that this isn't just some easy peesy, hallmark movie that goes just so and no one ever gets upset. I'm pissed that it's hard! Who knows what I really expected in the beginning, but it hasn't gone 'that way', not that I can identify 'that way' or that I could've told you what 'that way' was beforehand. We (me and baby mama) have in our moments of clarity, said that this is hard, we both recognize that, and that we wish there were a manual to tell us how to handle all of this. So, I think that's the best we can hope for.

I know that God gave me these circumstances for a reason, and I see glimmers of them here and there and I know they will become more clear as time goes on. I am grateful to have a birthmother, grateful to be getting a baby in the next 6-8 weeks (yes, seriously, that soon!!). I am grateful to have the love and support of my family, and though it's often hard, I'm grateful that I communicate with my birthmother. I hope that in the end we will both be better for all that we've gone through. Most of all I hope that for all that is good, God gets the glory, and for where it fails, that all know it's my humanness taking over, not God dropping the ball.

That's my Mother's Day post. Happy Mother's Day to all and to all a good night!

Babies R Us

I've been debating this post over and over, but have decided in honesty, I just needed to post it.

Yesterday, Sean and I headed over to BRU to get a carseat for little Miss Cala Fay. We did leave with quite a lot more, which was not all my doing, as Sean is going to spoil this little girl.

Here's the thing about that store, it reminds me constantly of what I haven't had, there are pregnant people everywhere, people dragging around their screaming babies (and I mean tiny babies), people with huge bellies that look at me funny because I don't have one, people who are experiencing the pains, flutters, discomfort, and wonder that is pregnancy. I have such a hard time in that store. For some reason this baby super depo really makes me uncomfortable, I have gone in more than once and turned around quickly and bolted out. Yesterday, though I did manage to stay for a little while, but I wanted to bolt, and more than once I had to choke back tears, as I am still not sure I should be in there. Your mind plays horrible tricks on you when you are going through something that challenges you, I pray it's an effort to make me a stronger person. I though about all of the things that could go wrong, how horrible it would be to get these things, and end up with nothing in the end. I struggled through that visit, and yet, knew that I needed to make it through, like some of that tough love therapy. We did get a carseat, and a pack-n-play (with pinks because Sean said we could just get another one if we have a boy one day), some gowns, and a few outfits. We're waiting to get the furniture to get the mattress and changing pad, so any tips about doing that would be greatly appreciated. **Any thoughts on the fact that when I got home there was a flyer in the mail stating that pretty much everything we bought will be on sale Friday, should I return it and re-buy, talk to the manager, what to do? It's a significant amount of money overall.***

When I left I emailed my sweet friend Beth, told her about my near breakdown and asked if it was normal to feel this way. Thank you God for friends like Beth who explain that that fear of losing another baby doesn't go away until you actually have them in your arms! She also stated that this isn't what God intends, that I should be enjoying my time and celebrating my baby and that fear is NOT from God. Thank you Beth.

A few weeks ago a sweet lady named Amy, who was connected to me through my husband, called me to introduce herself and tell me that she was a three time adoptive mommy (a girl, then less than 2 years later, twin boys), and went on three years after that to have a biological child. She invited me to a luncheon today that was to support the Christian Homes Adoption ministry, where she was adopted from as a child (nice little bit of info she shared today, warmed my heart), and the guest speaker was Sheila Walsh. If you've ever been to Women of Faith, you've heard Sheila, as she's amazing. Her testimony is one of fear, overcoming, and God's grace. I'm not sure what anyone else heard in her message today, but I heard..."Do not let fear control you." "If God is for us, who shall be against us?". Was that message given FOR ME? It felt like it and I told Amy that, I greatly appreciate her inviting me. It was weird because they had people stand who were involved in adoption, and though I didn't want to, (not for shame, but because I didn't really feel worthy), I did stand and honor my daughter that WILL be coming to be part of my forever family.

This path, this journey, it isn't easy, as I've learned from other people and felt on my own walk, but I know that we were meant to adopt, and I'm excited to welcome my baby girl into my life.

While I say that, I ask that everyone continue to remember baby mama as we continue this walk. Her surrender is not going to be easy, the remaining weeks of her pregnancy will most likely be the hardest, and I ask that you pray for her. I've been trying to read as much as I can about adoption, from the birthmother point of view, the adoptee point of view, and ways to open my own point of view to not focus completely on myself (which is easy to do in this case), and I pray that I will be able to be a better mother, a better supporter and advocate for adoption, and that this will be a happily-ever-after story for our family, including baby mama!

While at the luncheon today, I picked up a DVD and a book of GiGi, who is Sheila Walsh's children's book character, I can't wait to read to Cala about how she is a princess in God's kingdom and have her know that with her whole heart!

Next step in the Adoption

Today we got the paperwork that we had to have notorized that will set us up a hearing to be pre-approved for Cala's placement with us following her adoption. Seems like a big thing to me and it makes me excited as this feels more and more real. I think for those who haven't been through this they can't understand, but for me this is so hard to believe. And I know in the back of my head that this could end poorly. I don't know how our birthmother could provide for this baby girl, but I know that she has every right in the world to change her mind in the end. This baby is hers biologically, and while I feel that she was made for us, I know that she wasn't made by us. She will always have two "mothers" no matter what anyone says or does, and that also is hard for me. I want to have her all to myself, but know that that will never be the case, no matter how I behave, so I ought to do what is best for Cala and give her all the information that I can about her birthmother and support her in every way that I can, which may include one day finding her birthmother.

I pray that this goes according to our plan, but I know that ultimately it is HIS plan and I'll continue by faith and not by sight to trust the one who loves me the most. I just honestly pray now that His will is the same as mine currently :).

All of that being said, our birth mother is 29 weeks 5 days today. That leaves 10 weeks and 2 days until Cala's due date!! Who thinks she'll come on time? Who thinks she'll be early? Who thinks she'll be late? I'll take your guesses and votes and whoever wins will get a piece of jewelry from Mama Mia . I'll take guesses on her weight and length too and award winners in those two categories as well!! Come on ladies, get to guessing!!!!

Infertility--How can you help?!?

I'm borrowing this from the RESOLVE website and my dear friend at Baby On My Mind. It's an article on how to handle Infertility with someone that you know and love. Thanks so much for posting this and allowing me to pass it on. This is of course, not all encompassing, but it will give you a good idea.

How Can I Help? The Dos And The Don'ts Of Support
By Diane Clapp, BSN, RN and Merle Bombardieri, LICSW

Coping with Infertility can be extremely difficult for the family and friends of the couple going through infertility. As with any crisis it is difficult to know what to say. Because infertility is such a sensitive topic it is important to understand what you can and cannot say.

Let's start with what doesn't help, because the more you continue to say the wrong thing inadvertently, the deeper the rift will be between you and the couple. There is a universal list of No-No's that most infertile couples agree on. The following do's and don'ts should help you support the individual or couple who is struggling with infertility.

Don't Try to minimize the problem by saying, "Don't worry. At least you have each other and don't have cancer."

Do Listen to what the couple has to say about their experience and express empathy for their difficulties.

Don't Tell a couple who has had a miscarriage that it wasn't meant to be or that you know that they will be pregnant again soon and it will work the next time.

Do Realize that the couple has just lost a specific potential child who will never come again, no matter how wonderful the next pregnancy may be. Acknowledge how sad they must feel. Use the words "loss and sorrow"; don't be afraid to use the words that probably describe how the couple must feel.

Don't Give medical advice or doctor referrals without being asked or hearing the couple say they are looking for new information or referrals.

Do Tell the couple know that you'll be happy to listen to any details they want to share with you and that you would like to offer support during any procedures by a phone call or by offering to go with them to a medical appointment.

Don't Assume that new medical breakthroughs you read about in the paper will solve the couple's problems. The breakthrough announced by the news media may be irrelevant and if it is relevant, chances are the couple has seen the article and their medical team is knowledgeable about it.

Do Ask the couple if there are any books or articles that you could read to understand what they are going through medically.

Don't Expect the couple to act happy about attending baby showers, christenings and other family events that feature pregnant women and new babies.

Do Give them plenty of opportunity to decide whether to attend an event or whether to come late or leave early. They will not feel the need to avoid babies forever, but less contact right now may be a necessary part of their healing process.

Don't Start a discussion about infertility without paying attention to timing and to the couple's openness.

Do Choose a time when the couple's privacy is assured and ask the couple if they would like to talk. Couples experiencing infertility often feel out of control. Your letting them choose whether and when to talk about it gives them back some control.

Don't Assume that it is fine if you talk to your son's wife or your daughter's husband about their situation.

Do Respect the privacy needs of each individual and do not assume that they both want to talk about it with you.

Don't Offer unsolicited stories about others who have been successful at treatment or adoption. DO Tell them if they are ever interested you could put them in touch with a couple willing to talk about their infertility experience or adoption process. Let them decide whether they want to pursue that information. As a parent, family member, or friend, you want to make it better for the couple, to take away the pain. But probably the greatest gift you can give your loved one or friend is to be a listener, a sounding board. Instead of erasing the pain, you can diminish it by your caring. One of the hardest questions to ask someone is, "How can I help you?" It is such a difficult question because you should be prepared for their answer and not the answer that you think they will say or should say. To ask that question and to trust the response that you hear is a powerful step in your efforts to help the couple struggling with this kind of crisis.

Article taken from http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=cop_tainf_jffaf

For those family members and friends who have to deal with us infertiles, we know it's hard, believe us, we're living it, but we do appreciate that you want to help and make things better. I would like to make one big warning and put it out there...

PLEASE, please, please do not ask a woman or man (couple) struggling with infertility if they have considered adoption. I can assure you that the thought has run through their mind, and if they aren't in a place to be ready for that, or if they don't feel comfortable with it ever, you will only hurt them further. I'm not sure if I can adequately put it into words, but I'll try...It's like saying to them, you have no hope of having a biological child. You might as well give up. You're hopeless and broken and should move on. Now, now, I know that's generally NOT what anyone means by that, but when you feel those things inside, when you struggle daily with being unable to do the one thing you were MADE to do, that is immediately what runs through your head, consciously or not. It's painful! You may say as the article says that you have people who've battled infertility and you'd be glad to get them in touch with them or something along those lines. I find it helpful to give them links to these great blogs that are out there, so pass it on all you like!!

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but my blog is meant to be real, truthful, and honest, and I'm hoping that it's just that and can help someone out there!!

Adoption

This word seems to be ruling my head, heart, and everything right now. I'm a reader, I LOVE to read and when I'm interested in something I try to learn as much as I can about the subject. So, after reading some suggestions over on Thoughts From a Blonde's post, I ordered I think 7 books. I've read two and am half way through a third. And here's the report I have on that...

Dear Birthmother by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin
This book is all about OPEN adoption, not semi-open, or anything like that and it's adamantly against closed adoption. I'm not pro any kind of adoption, as I've never been involved before in adoption, so I can't fully form an informed opinion. I will say prior to starting my journey, I wanted a completely closed adoption, no information, no contact, nothing. But if you've read my blog you know that's not what happened or how our path progressed. This book was enlightening on many different things. I can't say that I agree totally with all of the points of this book, but I know that I learned from it, and that I can appreciate that these women are highly educated and affected by adoption and have the best of intentions. I know that having some knowledge about your birthmother/father can be very helpful and useful, especially when it comes to medical history and knowing what to look for or expect/anticipate in the future. I also feel that letting your birthmother know that her child is developing well and is happy and well loved can be nothing but good for her.

Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolff
This book was amazing and I highly recommend it. Her adoption was one of mixed race and the truth that she shares in this book regarding that and all other topics adoption are refreshing. As is evident by my blog, I'm an open book, I have a hard time holding back or not being honest, and this book is just that--HONEST. Some things are so hard to read because you know they are true, but you don't want to say them to yourself, much less anyone else. This book touched my heart and I recommend it to all adopting parents.

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge
I'm only halfway through this one, but it's good. It's hard to read as well. As adoptive parents (and families) we'd love to believe that adoption is a complete win, that there is no sadness and no loss involved, but that is ridiculous. There is loss, for everyone involved and honesty is, in my opionion, the best policy. Hearing how some of these children feel, I pray my child doesn't ever feel some of these sadnesses, but I know that as a parent, it's my responsibility to be there for and support my child no matter what. It is not an option to put my head in the sand and act like my child should never be affected by her adoption. So, I'm trying to arm myself with as much knowledge as I can to be able to fully support and help my child develop into the most beautiful, strong, confident person that she can be. Some of that is embracing that she will sometimes be sad and want to ask about her birthmother and know things about her, of which I hope to have plenty of information to share. This book is enlightening so far, and though some of the points aren't completely relevant, the author says that she was a child of closed adoption that wasn't talked about in the 40's. So, our situation will be different, but the points are still very valid and helpful.

Also on my list to read is...
20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed by Sherrie Eldridge

Then onto...
The Happiest Baby on the Block
On Being Baby Wise
What to Expect in the First Year

I'm open to suggestions as well.

It's easy to be scared when you are about to have a baby, that happens when you are adopting too, if not moreso. I'm not experiencing the impending signs of motherhood, no kicks, no inability to sleep, no mood swings (though this may count as nesting, along with the nursery prep), and so it's hard to internalize what's taking place. I just pray that I am prepared enough to give my child all that I can and love her the best that I can!

If anyone has any suggestions for preparing Dad, I'm open to those too, as I know Sean isn't going to read all these books, but some tips or anything would be appreciated!

I wanted to share one more thing today and that was that my BFF from grad school called to tell me today that she is in fact, having twins!!! I'm so thrilled for her, but that's not the whole story. She has a patient at her nursing home who is 60and recently had a stroke. For those of you who don't know depending on where the bleed happens it can affect you in many different ways, well her patient was telling her about her children (she has 2 or 3, a little confused too) and she was very fired up and had no inhibition whatsoever, and said "When people talk about having to be pregnant to have a baby, I just want to tell them to take a flying leap!! Being pregnant doesn't make you a mother, and just because you aren't pregnant doesn't mean you aren't or won't be a mother!". She said she thought of me and told the lady I was adopting and the patient asked when I would be bringing my baby home, and was told shortly after she is born. The patient said that was wonderful and that I would be so blessed by this baby. So, thanks random patient lady, I appreciate your thoughts!! And I ask you all to pray for the safe arrival of these sweet twins that I can't wait to meet!

New Day

Today is a new day and I feel like a new person. The weather was glorious today, I'm not sure there is even a word to really put how perfect it was! I get to go to a job that I love everyday, and work with someone that is very fun and has the same passion that I do for youth. That in and of itself is such a great blessing, and something I've been praying for for quite some time.

My day started beautifully, as I went to Pray Date and Katy had posted a song by one of my favorite groups, NeedtoBreathe. It's called Lay it Down and it just reinforces our need to surrender our concerns, our fears, our worries to God. Thanks for the reminder Katy!

I did some research on books regarding Adoption, I've already read a few, but I want to read more. I want to know about the adopted kids and how they feel, what things they might struggle with, and how to address those issues. Knowing full well I can't be prepared for everything, but wanting to educate myself as best I can (while I still have free time to read (: !!). It all still seems so surreal, and I'm wondering if I'll wake up and find it all to be a dream.

We continue to move forward. We received our background checks today, and I'm clean, bet you're all glad to know that!! Not that I could've ever worked with children had I not been, but now I have the 'official' paper to prove it! We'll get that to our attorney and our social worker tomorrow, as I think that is the final portion of information that she needs for our home study. I'd like that to be completely finalized, it will just feel more 'official'.

I'm anxiously awaiting the arrival of the nursery furniture, as I can't wait to see it, we picked it out of a catalog basically. Sean is excited that it's a 'boat of a bed', very sturdy and strong! I, of course, can't wait to see it in the nursery and see how good it looks with the newly painted walls.

Thank you all who read my blog and send me sweet comments, they really do bless my soul and I'm grateful. I hope that in some way I convey ways that people feel, and that I can be helpful to someone else who is going through some of the same things. I know each path is unique, and we all have to deal in our own ways, but I'm grateful to have this outlet and to have the support of my friends and family while we walk this winding road!!