"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Babies R Us

I've been debating this post over and over, but have decided in honesty, I just needed to post it.

Yesterday, Sean and I headed over to BRU to get a carseat for little Miss Cala Fay. We did leave with quite a lot more, which was not all my doing, as Sean is going to spoil this little girl.

Here's the thing about that store, it reminds me constantly of what I haven't had, there are pregnant people everywhere, people dragging around their screaming babies (and I mean tiny babies), people with huge bellies that look at me funny because I don't have one, people who are experiencing the pains, flutters, discomfort, and wonder that is pregnancy. I have such a hard time in that store. For some reason this baby super depo really makes me uncomfortable, I have gone in more than once and turned around quickly and bolted out. Yesterday, though I did manage to stay for a little while, but I wanted to bolt, and more than once I had to choke back tears, as I am still not sure I should be in there. Your mind plays horrible tricks on you when you are going through something that challenges you, I pray it's an effort to make me a stronger person. I though about all of the things that could go wrong, how horrible it would be to get these things, and end up with nothing in the end. I struggled through that visit, and yet, knew that I needed to make it through, like some of that tough love therapy. We did get a carseat, and a pack-n-play (with pinks because Sean said we could just get another one if we have a boy one day), some gowns, and a few outfits. We're waiting to get the furniture to get the mattress and changing pad, so any tips about doing that would be greatly appreciated. **Any thoughts on the fact that when I got home there was a flyer in the mail stating that pretty much everything we bought will be on sale Friday, should I return it and re-buy, talk to the manager, what to do? It's a significant amount of money overall.***

When I left I emailed my sweet friend Beth, told her about my near breakdown and asked if it was normal to feel this way. Thank you God for friends like Beth who explain that that fear of losing another baby doesn't go away until you actually have them in your arms! She also stated that this isn't what God intends, that I should be enjoying my time and celebrating my baby and that fear is NOT from God. Thank you Beth.

A few weeks ago a sweet lady named Amy, who was connected to me through my husband, called me to introduce herself and tell me that she was a three time adoptive mommy (a girl, then less than 2 years later, twin boys), and went on three years after that to have a biological child. She invited me to a luncheon today that was to support the Christian Homes Adoption ministry, where she was adopted from as a child (nice little bit of info she shared today, warmed my heart), and the guest speaker was Sheila Walsh. If you've ever been to Women of Faith, you've heard Sheila, as she's amazing. Her testimony is one of fear, overcoming, and God's grace. I'm not sure what anyone else heard in her message today, but I heard..."Do not let fear control you." "If God is for us, who shall be against us?". Was that message given FOR ME? It felt like it and I told Amy that, I greatly appreciate her inviting me. It was weird because they had people stand who were involved in adoption, and though I didn't want to, (not for shame, but because I didn't really feel worthy), I did stand and honor my daughter that WILL be coming to be part of my forever family.

This path, this journey, it isn't easy, as I've learned from other people and felt on my own walk, but I know that we were meant to adopt, and I'm excited to welcome my baby girl into my life.

While I say that, I ask that everyone continue to remember baby mama as we continue this walk. Her surrender is not going to be easy, the remaining weeks of her pregnancy will most likely be the hardest, and I ask that you pray for her. I've been trying to read as much as I can about adoption, from the birthmother point of view, the adoptee point of view, and ways to open my own point of view to not focus completely on myself (which is easy to do in this case), and I pray that I will be able to be a better mother, a better supporter and advocate for adoption, and that this will be a happily-ever-after story for our family, including baby mama!

While at the luncheon today, I picked up a DVD and a book of GiGi, who is Sheila Walsh's children's book character, I can't wait to read to Cala about how she is a princess in God's kingdom and have her know that with her whole heart!


  1. I'm glad you took that step. Even being pregnant, it is hard for me to be in that store. But, it's good for us to do these "normal" things most women do when they're expecting. I hope it will heal our hearts a bit.

    Maybe you can just take your receipt to the store and get a credit. Most stores will do that. I've started to not buy anything from that store unless I have a coupon. Since I can't go very often, I send my MIL or husband to buy something each week.

    It was fun to hear your voice on the Anchored Hope Radio show. Sending good thoughts your way. xo

  2. I have only been in that store once since my m/c. I had to leave the check out line and I ran to the car leaving K to pay for a shower present. It's hard. I'm so sorry for your pain. As far as the store, most stores will agree to adjust the price within 5 days of purchase as long as you have your receipt. I would give them a call and ask as this will save you having to actually return the items. I'm all about the saving the money if I can, especially if its significant as you've indicated. Hope that helps sweetie.

  3. Thanks for your transparency and honesty! I can totally see how you would feel that way about the store...I do not enjoy going in there myself. But your friend is right -enjoy this time and kick those anxious thoughts to the curb!! :) Easier said then done...but God can totally help you do it!

  4. I havent gone to that store since a few months before I lost Jordan, but I have gone to target, wallmart, and tj max and everytime I see the baby isle I either run from it with tears in my eyes, or go look and just torture myself. bf and I are currently ttc, and when I go look at the clothes I just feel like my heart drops. I am terrified that 1. I wont be able to get pregnant. or 2. I will lose another baby, which would kill me =(
    i def think fear is very normal for us, even if I do get pregnant again, i think im going to be more fearful, then happy or excited until the baby is in my arms and home.
    its horrible that we have to live with such fear, when I was pregnant with jordan, I really never thought losing him would ever happen. then I realized how naive I was.
    I will pray for you and your family and the safe arrival of your baby girl, may the adoption and birth go as planned.

    and thank you so much for your donation! your a sweetheart <3

  5. Sweet friend,
    Of course it would be hard for you to be at BRU. Until you have the ink dried on the adoption papers and that Sweet Baby Girl in YOUR house and arms you are going to be nervous. Even after I made it to the 2nd tri with Ella Grace and felt out of the "danger zone" I still had a really hard time buying anything for her....loss does that to you! I am so glad that you heard the message from Sheila Walsh. I agree, do NOT let fear win. Fear is from Satan! Love you girl and can't wait to get together soon!

  6. My Kindred Spirit,

    NOPE, no BRU for me! Not today or any day soon, as I get anxiety even thinking about it. However, I admire your strength in riding it out for Cala's sake. Mama's will do anything for their babies and you conquered a huge task. I'm very proud of you :)

    I know your heart hurts when you see others living the dream that you want so badly and it doesn't lessen the pain that you are adopting. Somehow I think it magnifies the pain and makes us even more aware of what we long for, the children we miss with such desparation. I'm happy you talked with Beth, as she has such a way of comforting the heart. Thank GOD for her and all the loving individuals surrounding you and lending you comfort. I pray for you always :)

    Continue to hold on to that strong FAITH sweet girl and allow him to direct your steps, as he won't ever stear you wrong. I'm glad you are part of my life and know that I am lifing you up this very moment.

    Much Love,

  7. PS Regarding all the items being on SALE on the store and ask for a Manager and ask if they will issue a price adjustment. If not, return it all and buy it back, as the savings is worth it on all the large ticket itmes that you bought :) Just my 2 cents worth.


  8. Such a beautiful and heartfelt post. I too went to Babys R Us when I first started the adoption process. I wanted to see what was out there. I also felt like an outcast. An intruder. I hated that feeling.

    How wonderful that that woman reached out to you. It's always so nice to meet people who have adopted or in similar circumstances.

    And continuing to pray for your child's birthmom.

  9. Hi honey, (((HUGS)))
    I commend you for sticking all that out and getting thru it. Im with Bree, I cant go in there even though Im prego. I wish I could, and I also wish I understood it better. I went into Target (you know, the place of my famous breakdowns) yesterday with my sister, and what did I hear but a newborn screaming their lungs out and I had to keep walking and walking further and further away until I could only hear it sister did not know why we wound up on the opposite side of the store until she saw my face. It sucks, I hope its not always the feeling we get, even when we have our little girls beside us....and you are so meant to be Cala's mommy, I continue to pray for you all everyday. I am so glad you went to such a wonderful luncheon yesterday, I think you were placed there strategically! What a wonderful message...and a wonderful post, from a wonderful girl. Love to you xxx

  10. Thank you so much for sharing that Deni! You are such a strong person. I pray for you often and know God is going to bless your family beyond measure!! Much love!!

  11. Ugh. SO hard.

    And so unfair that such a joyous time should be riddled with such heartache.
    Loving you!!

    BTW--Mattress--Colgate foam, 6 inch. (although 6 inch was mostly because I am short, 5 inch would be fine!)

    TOTALLY call the manager about the price adjustment--I've OFTEN done that, but one time, at a pain in the rear store, they didn't want to and I said, "Fine..I'll bring it ALL ($400+worth of stuff...lots of clothing that was clearance and a pain to rekey--the receipt was a mile long) back and you can deal with it. The manager came out and finally did it, but for the most part, I've never had a problem with price adjustments with receipts. I've OFTEN emailed corporate BRU for customer service issues at various stores and have actually racked up $75 in "sorry" gift cards!

  12. You definitely were VERY brave, and I know you did it for your sweet baby Cala! It's not easy feeling like you'll never fit in with other mothers. While I haven't experienced the adoption process, I know what it's like to hopefully get ready for a baby after multiple losses, and to have felt like an "unrecognized mother" for so many years before. I hope you'll continue to find joy in celebrating these victories along the way (victories over fear, doubt, etc). Praying for you, friend!

  13. I am so with you about BRU, can't do it. My heart just ached for you reading this. I really admire you for pressing on and not giving up. I haven't been able to buy anything yet (of course our adoption is still much farther away), but I think it is mostly out of fear that I haven't. I really needed to hear the reminder that fear is NOT from God. You are going to be a wonderful mother and I think you will have a much greater sensitivity to the loss side of adoption because of your own losses. I will be covering you and baby mama in prayer.

  14. I read this post after you wrote it, but am just now getting around to commenting... sorry!! Even though I have two living children and am expecting my baby girl soon, I still have a hard time with BRU, pregnant women, and babies. It always takes me back to the two that aren't here with me. I am happy and excited for our new one, and maybe some of those feelings will go away once she is here, but right now those feelings still exist and I don't think anyone who hasn't suffeed a loss would understand. xx