Remembrance Day

On this day every year there is a "gathering" of BLMs who take time to remember those babies we've lost. Typically I participate, change my profile picture and post here. Today I did not. I didn't change my profile picture or light candles or do anything in remembrance. 

The thing is there's rarely a day that goes by that I don't think of the two tiny beings that I held in my womb for 9wks 3days and 8w5d. Somehow in each day those babies, MY babies cross my mind. It's strange because grief can dwindle and you begin to think you're fine, but grief never disappears, it just lurks and hides until one day it knocks you on your backside again. Typically, I don't even recognize it at first, it's like an encidious smoke that begins to fill the air until it chokes you out. That's how it feels. That's how I feel sometimes. The invasion that comes seems to happen less frequently now, but that's what almost makes it worse. When grief is an all-consuming constant you know it is there and you accept it's presence. Appearing to leave and then creeping back in so slyly, it catches you off-guard, unaware, and unprepared to cope. 

For anyone who has lost a child this cycle is an ugly dance you're forced to dance forever. I hate that anyone I love knows or understands it, but I'm grateful for the blessings that have risen from the ashes of my loss and the friendships that have occurred with people who truly understand this "dance". 

Happiness is not at all void in your life just because grief is present.  Happiness and joy cloak me daily. I choose them both constantly and can't help but embrace them daily in my rainbow. Thank goodness there is joy, laughter, and happiness after the storm! Thank God for rainbows! 

Babies R Us

I've been debating this post over and over, but have decided in honesty, I just needed to post it.

Yesterday, Sean and I headed over to BRU to get a carseat for little Miss Cala Fay. We did leave with quite a lot more, which was not all my doing, as Sean is going to spoil this little girl.

Here's the thing about that store, it reminds me constantly of what I haven't had, there are pregnant people everywhere, people dragging around their screaming babies (and I mean tiny babies), people with huge bellies that look at me funny because I don't have one, people who are experiencing the pains, flutters, discomfort, and wonder that is pregnancy. I have such a hard time in that store. For some reason this baby super depo really makes me uncomfortable, I have gone in more than once and turned around quickly and bolted out. Yesterday, though I did manage to stay for a little while, but I wanted to bolt, and more than once I had to choke back tears, as I am still not sure I should be in there. Your mind plays horrible tricks on you when you are going through something that challenges you, I pray it's an effort to make me a stronger person. I though about all of the things that could go wrong, how horrible it would be to get these things, and end up with nothing in the end. I struggled through that visit, and yet, knew that I needed to make it through, like some of that tough love therapy. We did get a carseat, and a pack-n-play (with pinks because Sean said we could just get another one if we have a boy one day), some gowns, and a few outfits. We're waiting to get the furniture to get the mattress and changing pad, so any tips about doing that would be greatly appreciated. **Any thoughts on the fact that when I got home there was a flyer in the mail stating that pretty much everything we bought will be on sale Friday, should I return it and re-buy, talk to the manager, what to do? It's a significant amount of money overall.***

When I left I emailed my sweet friend Beth, told her about my near breakdown and asked if it was normal to feel this way. Thank you God for friends like Beth who explain that that fear of losing another baby doesn't go away until you actually have them in your arms! She also stated that this isn't what God intends, that I should be enjoying my time and celebrating my baby and that fear is NOT from God. Thank you Beth.

A few weeks ago a sweet lady named Amy, who was connected to me through my husband, called me to introduce herself and tell me that she was a three time adoptive mommy (a girl, then less than 2 years later, twin boys), and went on three years after that to have a biological child. She invited me to a luncheon today that was to support the Christian Homes Adoption ministry, where she was adopted from as a child (nice little bit of info she shared today, warmed my heart), and the guest speaker was Sheila Walsh. If you've ever been to Women of Faith, you've heard Sheila, as she's amazing. Her testimony is one of fear, overcoming, and God's grace. I'm not sure what anyone else heard in her message today, but I heard..."Do not let fear control you." "If God is for us, who shall be against us?". Was that message given FOR ME? It felt like it and I told Amy that, I greatly appreciate her inviting me. It was weird because they had people stand who were involved in adoption, and though I didn't want to, (not for shame, but because I didn't really feel worthy), I did stand and honor my daughter that WILL be coming to be part of my forever family.

This path, this journey, it isn't easy, as I've learned from other people and felt on my own walk, but I know that we were meant to adopt, and I'm excited to welcome my baby girl into my life.

While I say that, I ask that everyone continue to remember baby mama as we continue this walk. Her surrender is not going to be easy, the remaining weeks of her pregnancy will most likely be the hardest, and I ask that you pray for her. I've been trying to read as much as I can about adoption, from the birthmother point of view, the adoptee point of view, and ways to open my own point of view to not focus completely on myself (which is easy to do in this case), and I pray that I will be able to be a better mother, a better supporter and advocate for adoption, and that this will be a happily-ever-after story for our family, including baby mama!

While at the luncheon today, I picked up a DVD and a book of GiGi, who is Sheila Walsh's children's book character, I can't wait to read to Cala about how she is a princess in God's kingdom and have her know that with her whole heart!

Adoption

So, this whole adoption process is a confusing one on the outset. We are looking into attorneys, and have gotten some good info on some agencies. Everyone has a story or an experience to share when it comes to adoption. It's very uplifting to have so much support, love, and encouragment coming from so many people. For that I am greatful!

Sorting through all of the information and making the best decision for our family is taking some time, but I've had some really helpful people give me advice and phone numbers, and share their stories.

At this point we are trying to spread the word amongst all of our friends, relatives, and co-workers (that would be his!!), as we believe that is the best way to get the word out and possible locate our own birthmother. It is legal in the state of Texas to advertise yourselves for adoption, but that just feels a little strange, listing in the paper or classifieds that you want to adopt, though I'm sure that it would be very effective. At this point, Sean is not really comfortable with doing just that. We're continuing to pray and know that God will give us a baby in His timing. At this point, it's been so long of a wait that we're not sure what that even means, but we're hopeful!

For any of you who have done domestic adoptions, which is what we are interested in at this time, tell us your story, we'd love to hear it!!

Thank you all so much for your love support and prayers as we embark on this new journey!!