"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Monday, April 30, 2012

These kinds of things shouldn't happen

In October I started going to see a trainer here in this sweet little town we live in, because my husband was going and he encouraged me (not in a you're fat kinda way, but in a I think you'll actually enjoy this kinda way).  The trainer is a lady who is technically old enough to be my mom, but more like a fun aunt to us.  After a few sessions she and I hit it off when we discussed fertility, or lack thereof.  She and her husband (who is from the city next to the one I'm from, yep already liked him) suffered with the horrific journey that is infertility, back when even less was known about it and even fewer people talked about it.  So, obviously, she and I hit it off, besides the fact that she's hilarious and crazy and shows me pictures of how she dresses up her poor boxer in all kinds of costumes, and she let me bring my child to sessions.

This weekend she lost her son, her only son, her much answered prayer, who was loved and adored probably more than most kids.  He was only 26.  These kinds of things shouldn't happen.  When this type of thing occurs I can't help but scream out to God in absolute frustration.  THESE KINDS OF THINGS SHOULDN'T HAPPEN!!!  I am eternally grateful that He is big enough for my anger.  But one of my immediate gut reactions was to want to stop every stupid thing someone would say to them, to just block the mouth of the person that says "God has a plan", "Everything happens for a reason", "At least he's not suffering anymore".  My friend and fellow blogger, Lori, posted about this recently and the things that people say and how inappropriate they are.  This family is a faithful family.  They know God, they trust Him, they rely on Him and I have no doubt His arms are the only things holding them up right now, but you, nor I, have any clue what God's plan is, or how He will work this for good, or anything of the sort.  So, I just wanted to take my hand and cover their ears or slap it over the mouths of anyone who might say something that would hurt, even if it was completely unintentional.

These things shouldn't happen.  This family shouldn't have lost their only son to a rare disease that still is leaving things unanswered.  They shouldn't be left with no son, no grandchildren, and broken hearts.  Please lift them up in your prayers, as I know that is the only thing we can do at this time.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

National Infertility Awareness Week and Giuliana & Bill

It is National Infertility Awareness Week and I always feel the need to address this topic.  Obviously, because I am an infertile.  Yes, I have a child.  I am still an infertile.  I have an issue that does not allow me to just "baby dance" and have a baby naturally.  We prevent the possibility actually because I am terrified of losing another baby.  For me personally, I could not live with it if I were to get pregnant again and lose another baby because we just tried to do it on our own.  It feels irresponsible to me to put a child in danger like that.  So, I am infertile and have lost two babies.

I'm not one of those people who gets pregnant easily either, it has been hard for me to get pregnant.  In 3.5 years I got pregnant only twice on my own, and both of those times there was a LOT going into it, not just a lucky "baby dance" and a baby at the end.

Fertile people know nothing about ovulation kits, timing intercourse, charting temps, taking fertility meds, pumping yourself full of hormones, having fluid ultrasounds, giving sperm samples, the list goes on and on and it's awkward to write.  It's probably awkward to read, I promise you, it's more awkward to live.  It is not something that I wish on anyone, but it is something that I think I should be able to discuss freely when I need to because it is my life.  It is my struggle.  I shouldn't be expected to be quiet because it's not "socially accepted".  People used to not discuss cancer either, and now we champion it, we do walks/runs, fund raisers, wear special colors on special days.  I want that for infertility.

I want to never have a conversation with a friend who cannot try to have their own child because insurance doesn't cover fertility treatment.  Infertility is a disease.  It is like cancer in that it have a variety of causes and etiologies.  In my case it's an auto-immune issue.  So, lupus and rheumatoid arthritis are covered by insurance, requiring very extensive treatments.  While mine doesn't require on-going care, I can't get IVF covered to insure a healthy baby.  I am not saying that these things are the same.  I am saying that all of these things should be covered for all of us!!!!  I want to continue to get the word out there about infertility and push to have fertility treatments as part of all insurance policies, so that I don't have to discuss with another person ever how they can't grow their family because they can't afford the expenses associated with the treatments.  I also don't think that infertiles shouldn't be able to adopt because they can't afford that either, it actually disgusts me!!

And from there I must transition to discussing Giuliana and Bill.  If you don't know who Giuliana and Bill Rancic are, you might live under a rock, but that's ok because there is no need to keep up with all celebrities.  I actually don't keep a bunch of celebrities myself, but these two I LOVE.  Seriously love them.  I'll tell you why, because they are real.  Giuliana is hilarious and all about fashion and celebs, but  they are so genuine.  Their lives have been chronicled on their reality tv show.  They tell all about their struggle with infertility and they are honest about the struggles, they are real about the feelings, the pain, the depth of emotion.  Then sweet G is diagnosed with breast cancer during an IVF cycle, which was tragic, and though they have frozen embryos, she isn't allowed to get pregnant for 3-5 years.  Being infertile I can't imagine being told that!  So, the news broke this week that they have used a gestational carrier and are expecting a baby late this summer.  I have to be honest and say that I AM THRILLED for them!!!!!!  I wish that I could see her and Bill and give them huge hugs!!!!!  It seriously almost made me want to get a twitter account just so I could tweet her!! Saying prayers for a healthy baby for them.

Praying also for miracle babies for all of those still waiting.

Infertility awareness, please spread the word!!!

Monday, April 16, 2012

Three years later

Three years ago yesterday was my first EDD (expected/estimated due date).  There seems to be something about the three year mark that hits us BLMs kinda hard.  I'm not really sure what that is, as it doesn't seem like a significant timeframe for any specific reason.  Maybe it's that people think by now we shouldn't even remember anymore that our babies were due on this date.  For me, this year was hard on this date, moreso than last, as I feel last year I was in such anticipation of my rainbow baby, but this year, it was more of a reminder of what wasn't there.  Having a child makes the pain much easier in some ways, but in others it just makes you see even more what you missed out on before.  I doubt that will make sense to people who haven't been there, but for those of us who have, when we look at our children we now know just how much love is there, how having a child changes everything and we wonder.  We will always wonder, what would that child have been like?

I'm not sure what all caused it, but yesterday was marked by a migraine and hubby working, which left me solo with the migraine, and really solo with the thoughts in my head, as this isn't something that he remembers.  Luckily I do have some sweet friends who do remember and I got some sweet messages.  I also talked to a friend who is still waiting for her child, and I think that made me even more sad, because it breaks my heart to watch people continue to wait, to dream about being parents and watch it happen all around them.  Being in that place is gut-wrenching, sad, lonely, and painful and I wish I could protect people from it.  Another friend of mine suffered a miscarriage last week, which I mentioned already, but her fresh pain made me sad all over, deep within my soul, as I know that pain.  I know the ache, the emptiness, and the crash of "well meant" sentiments that are really more like daggers stabbing you repeatedly.

Three years seems to long and so short, so much has happened and changed. I am a different person, and for that I am grateful, as I think it's made me a better person, but I am a person who bears scars that will never go away. Mostly I am grateful for all of the wonderful people I have met on this journey, who know my feelings, celebrate their kids the way I do, can sympathize with complete joy and sadness intermingling, and who have helped me walk this journey thusfar!

Today, I reflect on yesterday and I think it was a hard day, and I'll never think "it was worth it" to lose my first (or second) child, but I do know that I am a better mommy than I would have been and I hope my children can always see that.

Love and kisses to heaven to my sweet girl, Layla!  Mommy loves you!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Two things I loathe...

Cancer and miscarriage! Today one of my favorite blog friends is going in for a D&C, which they will forever list in her medical chart as an abortion, I know because my chart says the same thing. For someone who has spent years trying to have a baby to have to see "recurrent abortion" on your paperwork is the definition of cruel to me! This is her second physical loss and third actual loss when you include her adoption that fell apart. It seems unfair and we all know this life is unfair, it's not the way God intended it to be! He made us for joy and we released evil and it's been steady at work ever since! this friend lost her mother to cancer on this day years ago and now she will walk out of the hospital she left her first son in today without her third child.

Then a friend of mine's dad was diagnosed with lymphoma last week. I know this disease, it took my grandmother when I was too young to understand, but I remember it hitting her liver and her being severely jaundice. The thing is my friend's mom has been battling breast cancer and it's reoccurrence for years and years now. Both parents with cancer, really?!? That's not fair either, life isn't fair!

I was watching Guliana and Bill last night that I have on the DVR and she's had both infertility with miscarriage and now breast cancer. Unfair, and yes, I like them, I love the honesty with which they share their lives and think that for Hollywood types, they're pretty good people!!

I wish miscarriage and cancer were things we read about in history books! Seriously?!? Why are they still around?!?