"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Thursday, April 29, 2010


Today I will write about something very near and dear to my heart (that may be the wrong words). It's National Infertility Awareness Week! Not that infertility is anything to rejoice about, but I am happy to know that awareness is at least increasing! For years people didn't talk about cancer either, as if it were contagious if mentioned, or as if anyone had any control over it! I pray that the level of awareness for infertility can be raised as well. Infertility is not contagious (though many people who went to college where I did around my age, think something may have been in the water), nor is it something that can be controlled. Infertility affects all kinds of people, fat, skinny, tall, short, athletic, sedintary, healthy, unhealthy, happy-go-lucky, pessimistic. Infertility has no shame, no agenda, it's not hereditary in most cases (there are some genetic markers in some rare cases), and it shouldn't be taboo. Women and men who face this awful disease experience stress levels equivalent with cancer and death of a loved one (thanks Leah).

I just want to give some of the feelings that IF people feel. There is the death of a dream, even if you go on to get pregnant eventually and have a healthy baby, your road wasn't like your friend who got pregnant month two trying and had no problems. Your view of your body is never the same, and you never trust it again. You feel ashamed, as this is what your body was MADE to do and it's not working, and though you know you can't do anything about it, you're ashamed and feel like less of a woman/man. You become a jealous person, a very jealous person in lots of cases. I'm not typically a jealous person, I believe that I live a pretty charmed life, but I am jealous of the majority of pregnant people and have been since September of 2008 and even some before then. It's not that you're not happy for others, but you want what they have so badly, you can't control it, it's primal. (You can read the stories in the bible of Sarah, Rachel, and Leah, and the things they did concerning having children, and know it goes back ages in time). You are frustrated and hopeful, then lose hope! With each new test or thing to try, you gain hope, but are frustrated, and when that things doesn't work, you are again hopeless. It is a yoyo, rollercoaster, time warp that you hate, and yet you can't get off of it EVER. I know people who've gone on to have children and their children are grown, and they still feel, infertile. Infertility, though it may resolve, lasts forever on your heart. You wouldn't expect someone who had beat cancer to forget it and move on, you would probably even expect them to continue to fear it slightly, you wouldn't expect someone who lost a love one to forget them and move on, and yet the emotional and psychological ramifications of infertility are as strong and most people try to sweep it under the rug.

I know as a non-infertile, it's uncomfortable to you, and you don't know what to say, and you don't want to make an IF uncomfortable, but ignoring it doesn't help either.

You can say things, things that are helpful, which tend to be simple questions, (please leave out suggestions, we know you're trying to help, but if you are infertile, you have already thought of ALL of that, even if you can't admit it to yourself). A simple, 'How are you feeling?', 'Any yucky days you've had that you'd like to vent about?', 'Would you like to talk about where you are in your process?'. Those kinds of things make us feel heard, not judged (because no matter what we feel judged), or contagious!

I give examples and encourage things, as I know so many people don't know what to say, and I know that it's awkward, but I also know that our lives can feel so lonely, so avoided, so unheard. I do not pretend to know about divorce, or losing a parent, or a child (that was born), or anything that I haven't experienced, as that's not my area, so please don't think I think I'm all knowing. I just pray that the experiences I've had can help someone else, whether it's to help another IF, or BLM feel no so alone, or to help those that love us know what to say, that's my mission, that's my goal, that is the legacy I want to leave for the children I've lost!

Thanks for reading, thanks for following suggestions and helping others. I have people call me often and say things like "my friend's friend lost a baby, what should she do?" or "what should I say to 'person' who has lost a baby?", these things mean the world to me, as I feel like I'm helping and I thank you for being such big wonderful people that you're willing to learn and get out of your comfort zone for the sake of someone else! Blessings to all of you, God is using you in His ministry!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Next step in the Adoption

Today we got the paperwork that we had to have notorized that will set us up a hearing to be pre-approved for Cala's placement with us following her adoption. Seems like a big thing to me and it makes me excited as this feels more and more real. I think for those who haven't been through this they can't understand, but for me this is so hard to believe. And I know in the back of my head that this could end poorly. I don't know how our birthmother could provide for this baby girl, but I know that she has every right in the world to change her mind in the end. This baby is hers biologically, and while I feel that she was made for us, I know that she wasn't made by us. She will always have two "mothers" no matter what anyone says or does, and that also is hard for me. I want to have her all to myself, but know that that will never be the case, no matter how I behave, so I ought to do what is best for Cala and give her all the information that I can about her birthmother and support her in every way that I can, which may include one day finding her birthmother.

I pray that this goes according to our plan, but I know that ultimately it is HIS plan and I'll continue by faith and not by sight to trust the one who loves me the most. I just honestly pray now that His will is the same as mine currently :).

All of that being said, our birth mother is 29 weeks 5 days today. That leaves 10 weeks and 2 days until Cala's due date!! Who thinks she'll come on time? Who thinks she'll be early? Who thinks she'll be late? I'll take your guesses and votes and whoever wins will get a piece of jewelry from Mama Mia . I'll take guesses on her weight and length too and award winners in those two categories as well!! Come on ladies, get to guessing!!!!

Thursday, April 22, 2010


There aren't words to say how much I loved O'Brien, how much he meant to me, or all of the things that we went through together. We were best friends for 11 years. He was with me following my horrible breakup, my seperation from God, my struggle back there, every good and bad thing that has happened since I got him in February of 1999. He was the cutest dog in America, and I mean that. I told him on pretty much a daily basis just that. We snuggled, we talked, after both of my miscarriages he licked away my tears when no one else even knew I was crying. I'm not sure how to just go on without him. I've never had another animal for this long, but there is a bond between us that I cannot explain.

I can't really go into details, but I now know that O'Brien is gone, for sure gone. I suspected the worst and it happened, coyotes apparently come in our backyard, and they got him. I'm sure he's basking in heaven right now, loving having his belly rubbed, I hope by Layla and Michael.

So, next week I'll be doing a memorial flowerbed for him. I think I'll fill it with french fries because when I say that dog loved french fries, those who knew him know! My friend Michelle, asked me one night (she came over with Wendy's) why he was giving her the death stare, and I told her, "He wants a fry!" She was like, "are you serious?", "yep", so she obliged and he pranced happily away with his treasure, then of course came back for more. That and Johnny's pizza (mainly the crust), I guess that is what happens when you get a dog while your young and irresponsible in college. But he loved me and I loved him, and I know that I'll miss him forever. I'll have other dogs, maybe soon, but none will be him, none could ever replace him. I've already started a shutterfly photobook for him, but if any of my friends/family have pictures of him, I'd love to have them!!

O'Brien, I love you and I miss you and I wish you were here with me, but I'm sure we'll meet again! Thank you for being the cutest dog in America, being my sweet Mooshy bug, and for loving me unconditionally even when I wasn't very lovable!

Support group and meeting new friend

So, I'm sorry this has taken a while, but I've actually been busy!

Tuesday I met Britt at Starbucks before our support group, which is just awkward meeting someone new, like a blind date, but I've had to just learn to do that since the move, so it was not that big of a deal. Anyhow I met her and her sweet husband A, and they were both wonderful, as was her adorable Yorkie that I had to get a little love from before we headed off to the meeting.

The support group itself was great, it's just a nice, calm, serene setting where you can say what you feel. You can say the things that you can't say to people who haven't experienced this hardship, and it was freeing. It was nice to meet other people who are in different situations, but still understand the grief that comes from losing a child. All of the ladies were amazing, the group leader was phenominal, as she was just so peaceful! I recomment finding a group if you can and feel very blessed that Britt helped me find this one, and that we can share that experience together. I'll definately be going back!! Funny how I searched and searched for something like that back home, and never found it, and here it is just perfect in Tyler.

As for meeting a fellow blogger, that is just a great experience. It's like you just 'know' what the other feels like. Britt and I talked for forever after the meeting too, and found that we have tons of things in common, which was fun, funny, and eery (but not in a bad way!). We'll definately be getting together and doing more things and I'm grateful to have met her! Keep sending love her way too!!

On another note, I've been buying clothes for Cala, which is fun! And 2 of her 3 pieces of furniture is in, so we'll wait for it all to get here and have it delivered, so we're looking at maybe the second week in May. I'm excited about that part! Keep praying for us, baby mama, Cala, and all those out there who are working to make their baby dreams come true!!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Glorious Monday

Funny title considering the dark spot I seemed to be in last night, but it's true! I've been trying really hard lately to find a support group for people who've experienced miscarriage and infertility. I tried to do this over and over in Shreveport to no avail. I left messages, was supposed to get called back, never heard anything. It only added to my overall frustration with the situation.

Then when we moved here, my husband's boss said that he found a support group for me, but then lost the info and couldn't find it again. So, I've been trying to remind hubby and him over and over so that I could find a place where people would 'get me' like all my blogger friends do. Well low and behold, Andrea, who I refer to as my kindred spirit (we 'met' on a miscarriage forum) introduced us all to a new blogger this past week, but me being busy and wrapped up in myself for a few days, I decided to wait until I really had time. I hate to leave meaningless trite comments on people's blogs! So, I finally did go 'meet' Britt. Turns out we live in the same town AND she directed me to a support group that meets the third Tuesday of every month (which happens to be tomorrow) AND she said she'd meet me beforehand so I didn't have to go alone! How cool is that!?!!?

So, it is a glorious Monday indeed! Thank you God, for always knowing what is best for me and blessing me so greatly!!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

April 15th

This day for most people is tax day, and will always be tax day. April 15th for me is and always will be Layla's due date. I didn't think that this year it would affect me nearly as badly as it did last year, and though not as badly, it was still quite painful. It's painful because you are generally the only one who remembers. Sean had not a clue and couldn't figure out why I was so blue, and I didn't divulge any info, as sometimes I just can't get the words out AGAIN!!!!

Infertility and miscarriage are words that are part of my personal definition. They are painful, unwanted, and soul-crushing. To be infertile means that you as a woman are unable to do the thing that you, as a woman, were born to do. With this crushing blow to one's self-esteem comes unfathomable grief. This grief doesn't end, not that grief ever ends when you lose someone, but that is final, the person is gone, and you don't expect them to return. While with infertility, there is always a glimmer of hope lingering in the background, that maybe, just maybe, whatever was 'wrong' will correct and you will finally be able to do that one thing your body was meant to do. One blogger had her husband guest-post recently, and he said "Grief is the second most traumatic experience you can go through." It is true there are so many things that infertility touches, from your privacy, to your routines, to your friendships, your marriage, your self esteem, your view of your place in the world, your faith, your sleep, your social interactions, your work, your emotions,your dreams, your self worth, and it list goes on and on and on and on... For most people who have dealt with true infertility, the feeling never fully escapes you, it never leaves you completely, you are never free from that stigma, and the pain is never erased. Even if children to come, and you "overcome" infertility, it continues to affect you, as a friend of mine shows all the time, when she feels the injustice of people who don't want children continuing to have them. Another friend has since adopted and wouldn't trade her daughter for a single thing in the world, even a biological child, but couldn't stay at a baby shower last year. Infertility does not come and go, it isn't an easy fix and it has psychological ramifications that are far beyond what those who don't experience it will ever dream to understand.

I will say that I am so eternally grateful to my fellow blogger friends who've suffered through infertility and loss, for without you I wouldn't continue to put one foot in front of the other each day, you are my gifts from God. For my friends who do not understand it, have not experienced it, yet have the grace and nerve to ask me about it, and then TRULY listen, I am very grateful for you as well, and I hope I've told you that.

Today I miss Layla, I miss the innocense that I had in that first pregnancy before I saw a baby with no heartbeat completely still on that screen that day in September 2008. Thank you Nan for remembering my day with me and for honoring Layla with your sweet gift, I'm so grateful we both love butterflies like we do!!! The photo above is a candle that Nan sent me for Layla's EDD, so I lit it and sang 'happy birthday' to my girl.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


This subject is talked about in some books and a lot of their feelings are shared, but I have yet to find a book (even with all this positivity about openness) that discusses how to relate to your birthmother.

Baby Mama and I have had some rocky times, and some very great times. The thing is that we discussed the other day is this... there are no rules here. We are experiencing MAJOR things in our lives that are related, but are NOT the same, and it's very hard knowing how to talk, what to talk about, what is too much, what is not enough, and where to go from here.

I've read this over and over and people say that they are so grateful for their birthmothers, as am I. She is giving me probably the greatest gift of all times. It would just be super helpful to have a guideline of how to walk this journey. With that said, if anyone knows of any good blogs, books, articles, etc on this subject, please pass them to this readalholic!!!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Infertility--How can you help?!?

I'm borrowing this from the RESOLVE website and my dear friend at Baby On My Mind. It's an article on how to handle Infertility with someone that you know and love. Thanks so much for posting this and allowing me to pass it on. This is of course, not all encompassing, but it will give you a good idea.

How Can I Help? The Dos And The Don'ts Of Support
By Diane Clapp, BSN, RN and Merle Bombardieri, LICSW

Coping with Infertility can be extremely difficult for the family and friends of the couple going through infertility. As with any crisis it is difficult to know what to say. Because infertility is such a sensitive topic it is important to understand what you can and cannot say.

Let's start with what doesn't help, because the more you continue to say the wrong thing inadvertently, the deeper the rift will be between you and the couple. There is a universal list of No-No's that most infertile couples agree on. The following do's and don'ts should help you support the individual or couple who is struggling with infertility.

Don't Try to minimize the problem by saying, "Don't worry. At least you have each other and don't have cancer."

Do Listen to what the couple has to say about their experience and express empathy for their difficulties.

Don't Tell a couple who has had a miscarriage that it wasn't meant to be or that you know that they will be pregnant again soon and it will work the next time.

Do Realize that the couple has just lost a specific potential child who will never come again, no matter how wonderful the next pregnancy may be. Acknowledge how sad they must feel. Use the words "loss and sorrow"; don't be afraid to use the words that probably describe how the couple must feel.

Don't Give medical advice or doctor referrals without being asked or hearing the couple say they are looking for new information or referrals.

Do Tell the couple know that you'll be happy to listen to any details they want to share with you and that you would like to offer support during any procedures by a phone call or by offering to go with them to a medical appointment.

Don't Assume that new medical breakthroughs you read about in the paper will solve the couple's problems. The breakthrough announced by the news media may be irrelevant and if it is relevant, chances are the couple has seen the article and their medical team is knowledgeable about it.

Do Ask the couple if there are any books or articles that you could read to understand what they are going through medically.

Don't Expect the couple to act happy about attending baby showers, christenings and other family events that feature pregnant women and new babies.

Do Give them plenty of opportunity to decide whether to attend an event or whether to come late or leave early. They will not feel the need to avoid babies forever, but less contact right now may be a necessary part of their healing process.

Don't Start a discussion about infertility without paying attention to timing and to the couple's openness.

Do Choose a time when the couple's privacy is assured and ask the couple if they would like to talk. Couples experiencing infertility often feel out of control. Your letting them choose whether and when to talk about it gives them back some control.

Don't Assume that it is fine if you talk to your son's wife or your daughter's husband about their situation.

Do Respect the privacy needs of each individual and do not assume that they both want to talk about it with you.

Don't Offer unsolicited stories about others who have been successful at treatment or adoption. DO Tell them if they are ever interested you could put them in touch with a couple willing to talk about their infertility experience or adoption process. Let them decide whether they want to pursue that information. As a parent, family member, or friend, you want to make it better for the couple, to take away the pain. But probably the greatest gift you can give your loved one or friend is to be a listener, a sounding board. Instead of erasing the pain, you can diminish it by your caring. One of the hardest questions to ask someone is, "How can I help you?" It is such a difficult question because you should be prepared for their answer and not the answer that you think they will say or should say. To ask that question and to trust the response that you hear is a powerful step in your efforts to help the couple struggling with this kind of crisis.

Article taken from

For those family members and friends who have to deal with us infertiles, we know it's hard, believe us, we're living it, but we do appreciate that you want to help and make things better. I would like to make one big warning and put it out there...

PLEASE, please, please do not ask a woman or man (couple) struggling with infertility if they have considered adoption. I can assure you that the thought has run through their mind, and if they aren't in a place to be ready for that, or if they don't feel comfortable with it ever, you will only hurt them further. I'm not sure if I can adequately put it into words, but I'll try...It's like saying to them, you have no hope of having a biological child. You might as well give up. You're hopeless and broken and should move on. Now, now, I know that's generally NOT what anyone means by that, but when you feel those things inside, when you struggle daily with being unable to do the one thing you were MADE to do, that is immediately what runs through your head, consciously or not. It's painful! You may say as the article says that you have people who've battled infertility and you'd be glad to get them in touch with them or something along those lines. I find it helpful to give them links to these great blogs that are out there, so pass it on all you like!!

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but my blog is meant to be real, truthful, and honest, and I'm hoping that it's just that and can help someone out there!!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


This word seems to be ruling my head, heart, and everything right now. I'm a reader, I LOVE to read and when I'm interested in something I try to learn as much as I can about the subject. So, after reading some suggestions over on Thoughts From a Blonde's post, I ordered I think 7 books. I've read two and am half way through a third. And here's the report I have on that...

Dear Birthmother by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin
This book is all about OPEN adoption, not semi-open, or anything like that and it's adamantly against closed adoption. I'm not pro any kind of adoption, as I've never been involved before in adoption, so I can't fully form an informed opinion. I will say prior to starting my journey, I wanted a completely closed adoption, no information, no contact, nothing. But if you've read my blog you know that's not what happened or how our path progressed. This book was enlightening on many different things. I can't say that I agree totally with all of the points of this book, but I know that I learned from it, and that I can appreciate that these women are highly educated and affected by adoption and have the best of intentions. I know that having some knowledge about your birthmother/father can be very helpful and useful, especially when it comes to medical history and knowing what to look for or expect/anticipate in the future. I also feel that letting your birthmother know that her child is developing well and is happy and well loved can be nothing but good for her.

Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolff
This book was amazing and I highly recommend it. Her adoption was one of mixed race and the truth that she shares in this book regarding that and all other topics adoption are refreshing. As is evident by my blog, I'm an open book, I have a hard time holding back or not being honest, and this book is just that--HONEST. Some things are so hard to read because you know they are true, but you don't want to say them to yourself, much less anyone else. This book touched my heart and I recommend it to all adopting parents.

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge
I'm only halfway through this one, but it's good. It's hard to read as well. As adoptive parents (and families) we'd love to believe that adoption is a complete win, that there is no sadness and no loss involved, but that is ridiculous. There is loss, for everyone involved and honesty is, in my opionion, the best policy. Hearing how some of these children feel, I pray my child doesn't ever feel some of these sadnesses, but I know that as a parent, it's my responsibility to be there for and support my child no matter what. It is not an option to put my head in the sand and act like my child should never be affected by her adoption. So, I'm trying to arm myself with as much knowledge as I can to be able to fully support and help my child develop into the most beautiful, strong, confident person that she can be. Some of that is embracing that she will sometimes be sad and want to ask about her birthmother and know things about her, of which I hope to have plenty of information to share. This book is enlightening so far, and though some of the points aren't completely relevant, the author says that she was a child of closed adoption that wasn't talked about in the 40's. So, our situation will be different, but the points are still very valid and helpful.

Also on my list to read is...
20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed by Sherrie Eldridge

Then onto...
The Happiest Baby on the Block
On Being Baby Wise
What to Expect in the First Year

I'm open to suggestions as well.

It's easy to be scared when you are about to have a baby, that happens when you are adopting too, if not moreso. I'm not experiencing the impending signs of motherhood, no kicks, no inability to sleep, no mood swings (though this may count as nesting, along with the nursery prep), and so it's hard to internalize what's taking place. I just pray that I am prepared enough to give my child all that I can and love her the best that I can!

If anyone has any suggestions for preparing Dad, I'm open to those too, as I know Sean isn't going to read all these books, but some tips or anything would be appreciated!

I wanted to share one more thing today and that was that my BFF from grad school called to tell me today that she is in fact, having twins!!! I'm so thrilled for her, but that's not the whole story. She has a patient at her nursing home who is 60and recently had a stroke. For those of you who don't know depending on where the bleed happens it can affect you in many different ways, well her patient was telling her about her children (she has 2 or 3, a little confused too) and she was very fired up and had no inhibition whatsoever, and said "When people talk about having to be pregnant to have a baby, I just want to tell them to take a flying leap!! Being pregnant doesn't make you a mother, and just because you aren't pregnant doesn't mean you aren't or won't be a mother!". She said she thought of me and told the lady I was adopting and the patient asked when I would be bringing my baby home, and was told shortly after she is born. The patient said that was wonderful and that I would be so blessed by this baby. So, thanks random patient lady, I appreciate your thoughts!! And I ask you all to pray for the safe arrival of these sweet twins that I can't wait to meet!

Sunday, April 4, 2010


This was a great weekend for so many reasons. We had our annual Tri-birthday crawfish boil. One of my dearest friends, Johnny, has a birthday 3 days before mine, so I think 5 years ago, we started the annual crawfish boil party. It was a hit, what's not wonderful about a crawfish boil?? For those of you not from Louisiana, I am so sorry for all that you are missing out on in this great state, crawfish boils being at the top of the list! A few years ago we added a third to our annual celebration, our friend started dating a girl whose birthday is 3 days after mine, so Michelle came into the annual fold.

Last year there was an Easter egg hunt added to the festivities, and last year I watched and participated. This year I decided to pass and hung out by the boiling pots while the kids searched for eggs, I am starting to know my limits, and beginning to allow myself to have limits and not feel bad for it. Overall the party was great fun, saw some good friends that I haven't seen in a while. I really appreciated Monica's true and honest empathy for my loss of O'Brien, and was grateful to have someone truly know how I felt.

My parents came for a while, which is always fun, my dad is a hoot, and everyone was glad to see him feeling well and in good spirits. My mom had a blast playing with the kids, chasing them, catching them on the slide, and lifting them up and down from the playhouse!! She really acts like a little kid with them and they think it's really fun!

Plus my sister was in this weekend. We celebrated Good Friday in rare fashion, as we had the awesome opportunity to go see Toby Mac at the Oil Palace here in Tyler. If you don't know his music, you should. It was so very much fun, and he brought back the old school by singing Jesus Freak and In the Light! Rene' and I sung like little children and made fun of Jake for his baseball sized arm where we believe he got bit by a spider (don't worry he reciprocates the teasing!). The energy in that place and seeing all of the kids so fired up for God was truly a blessing and brought me right back to being that teenager who KNEW what God did/does for me! A blessing to say the least, plus those kids are so stinking cute and hilarious!

Then today I went to church at home, and how I wouldn't have missed that for the world for two reasons, one being that I LOVE seeing my youth there as often as I can, and some of my ones who are off at college were there. The second reason is because our pastor (whom I like to refer to as 'Faith Healer Derek Joyce') had the honor and privledge of baptising his own daughter, MacKenzie this morning. That was beautiful, and I was so grateful to be there for it! My church in Shreveport is so special to me, and I miss being there every week and am grateful every time I get to be there!

Some of the members of the group Chasing Canaan participate in our contemporary service, if you haven't heard their music, you should so check it out. If you go and download their song Free, they are donating 100% (yep, all of it!!) to Haiti relief efforts. Anyhow, the point of that is to say that two of the members, both girls with AMAZING voices sang a song today that Britney wrote, and to say it was beautiful would be an understatment. God is doing and is going to do amazing things through this group!

Then we had family Easter/Birthday lunch at Bistro Byronz (pot roast is out of this world), which was fun. Afterwards, we headed back to my parents to have some strawberry petit fours, I'll say it Halleluja Lent is over, I gave up sweets and I'm thrilled to have them back, though I will say I will continue to limit my intake of them! And birthday presents, those were fun too!

So, good weekend! Another sweet story, my MIL called Friday to tell me that she had planted some Calla Lillies in her yard a few years ago, but they never bloomed and she had totally forgotten about them, but ONE bloomed, just one, and she said that she believes that means Miss Cala is coming soon to be with us! Isn't that beautiful?!?!

So, happy Easter to all, please remember the true meaning of Easter, nothing to do with bunnnies and candy, but ALL to do with the RESURRECTION OF CHRIST!!! AMEN!!!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Grey's Anatomy

Anyone watch Grey's tonight? I won't give away any plot details for those of you who have it DVR'd, but the topic of the inate need to have children struck me profoundly. Sometimes these shows really do communicate something that is universal. In saying that it's not universal for everyone, some people don't want/need to be parents, but I do and I will admit that this show causes me to cry more often than not, tomight was no exception to that rule.

If you want to be a mother, or a father, there is nothing that will 'replace' that in your life. I will say that the over-simplification that was added at the end, implying that if you wanted to find out what type of parent you would be, you need to just try, left me a little stung. It's not always that easy, some people, I'm finding lots of people struggle to get there. Some people change their diets, take drugs, inject drugs into their bodies, inject sperm into their bodies, have their eggs removed-fertilized-and put back in their bodies, accept someone else's child as their own, all in the name of parenthood. For those of us, who do any or all of those things, parenthood hasn't come so easy and we continue to chase that dream, that hole in our soul looking to fulfill it.

Just saying that I'm praying for those of my friends who are currently trying to get pregnant, for those of you who have lost babies, for those of you who aren't able to get pregnant, for those whose miracle is coming true,and for those who are awaiting the perfect baby to come to your family. My prayer is that all of us who long to be parents become parents and know that joy. Knowing full well that we will lose sleep, that we will question everything we do with them, that we will miss out on social activities, that we will cry, that we will make sacrifices that we never imagined, and that some days we'll think we can't do it. Keep chasing that dream because I KNOW that it will be well worth it in the end!

Also sending up prayers for those parents who are watching their children battle diseases that seem stronger than them and for those parents who have had children and lost them, just prayer for your hearts, I can't imagine your grief.

As we consider the sacrifice that God made for us in His son, Jesus, may we remember that He knows our pain full well! Happy Easter!