"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Special post

So, before Sean left last week, he came into the bathroom while I was blow-drying my hair and handed me a bag with a bit of a sullen look on his face. I opened it and inside were this bracelet and a matching necklace. Let me just say that pearls are my favorite stone ever because my mom has always called me her "pearl girl". So, this jewelry set was very precious, as it was made of pearls and has Calla Lillies on it. He said it bought them intending to give it to me after the adoption, but since that didn't happen he had been wondering when would be a good time to give them to me. I could tell he was sad, and then he said that he is sad and having a hard time with all of this. He told me "I just hope maybe this can bring us some good karma!". I told him that we will still have "our" Cala one day, some way, some how! Needless to say, I treasure this jewelry far above lots of other things I've received. My husband is a doll and very sweet, though sometimes other people don't see it. I'm very blessed to have been given the gift of him to walk this very hard road with, as I don't know how I would navigate it all without him.

I must also give a big shout out to Emily for picking this set out in New Orleans and calling Sean to tell him about it and "suggest" that he buy it!! Thanks E-Lee for that and for being a great friend!

I've gotten multiple compliments each time I've worn the set and I just love it!! Very special, and I continue to pray for our Cala Fay and wait for her arrival into our lives, in God's perfect timing!

Friday, August 27, 2010

100th post!!!!, visit with new RE, and a giveaway!

That's right, this is my 100th blogpost. I've been waiting to do it when I had some time. That could end up being never, so I decided that a visit with a new RE was good enough reason to write my 100th post!

The RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist, i.e. Fertility Specialist), was great, aside from having to wait for 50 mins, which made me very anxious, everything was wonderful. I could tell he had looked through my entire history, and really paid attention to what had and had not been done. He explained a lot of things about miscarriage and infertility, some things I knew and some were new to me! The way he did it was compassionate, and informative. He didn't give me that feeling of this place being a puppy mill, like my last RE's office did repeatedly!! There were some things that he felt were huge red flags that should have lead to previous testing, but we are going to be doing now. For all of you who are wondering and have asked, I will be having an HSG done, which not only tells if your tubes are open, but also gives information about your uterus and cervix. So, having been told previously that I didn't need this test because I have been pregnant twice and my tubes are obviously open, I now know that it looks for uterine abnormalities, which could include scar tissue, or oddly shaped uterus. So, I'm glad that is being done. I had a blood test run, will have another done, and hubby will have a blood test run. If you want to know more details, you can email me, at I'm a pretty open book, but I don't think all of my specific things should be put on a blog, and certainly not the things that concern more than just me! So, just be praying that our testing comes back and when it does that the doctor will be knowledgeable in how to handle anything that we may be thrown! I will say this, the clomid and metformin are out! He says I do NOT need those and should not be taking them. This is good news as they both have unwanted side effects!!

Next, I am doing giveaway in honor of my 100th post, but it's also a little selfish, in that I want some feedback from all of you! Two things that I need are the following: 1. if you follow this blog consistently and aren't registered as a follower, please do so, as it will help me when it comes to the book I'm trying to write. Having consistent followers does make you have more credibility than having fewer. 2. I want to hear your thoughts and feeling, specifically on the things that people have said or done that have hurt you the most, throughout your infertility or losses. These responses I would like to put in my book, but only with your permission, and I wouldn't mention your name unless you request that. (Some of my friends are already mentioned, and they will have to suck it up--(; as there's no real way around it!).

So, if you sign up as a follower, I'll enter you into a drawing to win something from Magnolia Creative (as she'll be in my book without prior authorization!).

And, if you leave a comment that tells something that you've experienced (or if you haven't been through this, something that someone else has complained has happened to them, or you've found yourself saying wrong), I'll enter you in a drawing for a piece of jewelry by MamaMiaTina. She is a baby lost mommy and does great jewelry that you can customize, so sign up and be entered!

While I'm plugging all of my creative friends (I'm blessed to have some real talent in my friend pool!), I wanted to direct you with kiddos to Kenzington Kollections. Sweet Rachel has some great things there and one of the cutest rainbow babies out there!!

So, happy Friday everyone, I'm off to a retreat with my youth girls having speaker, Keiah Ellis, join us!! Again, if you haven't read her book "Aftermath" go get it now!!!

I have literally found myself in so many places reading your comments, from laughing out loud to the possible chapter title of "you can't make this kind of Bleep up", to crying for the things we've all had to endure, to exhausted for all that we've been through! I'm literally taking each of the emails I receive to notify me of a post and putting them in a folder in my email for book research! Thank you all so much and keep them coming!!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Another BLM

A sweet friend of mine is experiencing her second loss today. She has an adorable little boy, but lost twins prior to his birth, and has had a long hard road to having children. This breaks my heart. She and her husband are good, stable, God-loving people who have so much to offer a child. It is so unfair that they are the ones experiencing this loss, not the maybe 16 year old girl that I saw at a gas station today, with her boyfriend who could only put $1 worth of gas in their car, who looked to be about 5-6 months pregnant. Seriously?!?!? These two clearly had no business having a baby, yet there she is with a healthy pregnancy and my sweet friend is losing a baby. It is frustrating and I know I shouldn't be judging and I shouldn't worry about what other people have, etc, etc.

This leads me to a conversation that my friend, Keiah (She wrote "Aftermath" the book I was raving about--google it!) and I had today. We were talking about waiting and about being jealous not of the husband or child that others had, but that they were living the life we wanted, being jealous of their situation, and how we really had to focus on Him and not on everyone else and what they have. That fit right in with a great post from my other dear friend, Shandrea, check it out here. What I have to say after a day like today is that I really am blessed with great friends who have huge hearts for God and I am so grateful for them and their accountability!

So, please say some prayers for my friend, GG, and her sweet hubby, B, and son, N! They are hurting so badly, a second loss does something different to your mind than just one, but praying that they will have peace, and healing!

This is post # 99!!! Awesome, number 100 will come soon!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Moved up...

I decided today to move up my appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). I called and they said that they could get me in Thursday! Hooray! I guess getting over the initial trepidation of going, just made me ready to dive in with both feet! Plus I don't want to let any more time go by without feeling like I'm being proactive. So, this Thursday, I'll be heading to Dallas, and my sweet Julie offered to go with me! I love that girl!

This evening, I'm going to enjoy a nice calming yoga class and try to get to bed early, that is just not something I like to do. I'm a night owl and like to stay up late and sleep late, but tomorrow my crazy co-worker and I are gonna start running (on the treadmill, too hot outside) Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesdays. I know I'm 100 times more likely to do it if I have some accountability, so this will be great! Have I mentioned that I love my job and my co-workers?

Happy Monday everyone, I'm not feeling like such a grouch today! :)

Sunday, August 22, 2010

This is me.....

Today and for the past few days, this is who I have felt like! I'm usually pretty bubbly and happy, but I'm owning my grouchiness for the past week. I think it is warranted, but I also hate when I start acting like this. I used to be a really grouchy person most of the time, just a "glass half empty" type, but I really don't usually feel that way anymore. Today and the past few days I really have, I've noticed my short temper with anyone and everyone, especially with traffic! I hate traffic, a huge reason why I didn't love Dallas, and I'm not excited about going back there all the time! But It's been pretty much everything, things that usually don't bother me, but even my poor dogs are getting on my nerves, and you should all know by now how much I love them.

I will say that tonight as I was having a good cry at Army Wives, I realized again just how much I miss O'Brien. My dogs are amazing, but he and I were bonded in a very special way and he knew when I was sad, and knew just how to make me feel better! I miss my little buddy something serious tonight!

Goodnight all! Hoping I wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow and with a sunnier disposition!

Friday, August 20, 2010

No Idea What To Post

Here's the thing, I've been feeling really frustrated with the whole getting pregnant thing because nothing seems to work easily for me, so I don't have a lot of stuff to post really.

I did listen finally to my sweet Fab 4 (we're 5 including me) and made an appointment with an RE for September. The truth is, this really ticks me off, as I'll have to drive to Dallas to go there, because there is no one in Tyler that does RE. Frustrated would be the word to describe me in that area. I don't want to have to go to all of that trouble and I feel like standing and throwing a 2-year old fit, foot stomping, breath holding, red-faced fit. Hopefully, it will all work out well and not be a big deal, but who knows.

Also, found out my cousin is pregnant, some things just aren't fair, seriously, she has 20 year old twins and a 19 year old (she started early), and I have no children. Really?!?!? Life is NOT fair.

Other than that, I will say that as I type this on my new MacBook Pro, that I am thrilled to have this and am having such a blast using it! I've actually never owned a laptop (I know, GASP!!). I'm planning on writing a book, well actually I'm in the process of doing it, so I'm pumped to have my computer to just whip it out whenever and idea pops into my head, sooooo fun!!! Plus it gave me an excuse for accessories and I love accessories, so I'm the proud owner of a new computer bag, with matching duffle and tote bags for all of my travels. Those extra thing I actually needed a lot, as every suitcase/bag/tote I currently have has broken straps, so frustrating!!

Now, I'm enjoying the rest of my day. Looking forward to going to meet a friend's baby that was born in July and then going to a baby shower for a friend for her 3rd child. Seriously, sounds like a great weekend, right?!?!?

Monday, August 16, 2010

Service Men and Women

So, I have always truly valued those who serve this country. My Dad served in Viet Nam, as did my Father-in-Law. I have lots of friends whose family serve our country, and I know what a sacrifice it is for all of the family, not just the ones serving.

Tomorrow that service steps much closer to home for me. One of my youth is like family to Sean and I, kinda like a much younger brother. I adore him and he even lived with us for a little while when we moved to Tyler, his name is JZ, and tomorrow he leaves for Army basic training. To say that I'm proud of his decision would be a serious understatement. I know that his desire and passion for serving our country are straight from God and that he's put a lot of thought and prayer into this decision. I've watched him grow up so very much this last year and can't wait to see all that God does in his life! Please pray for his safety as we continue to pray for the safety of all of those who serve our country! Also remember his family when you are praying, as it's hard for all of us to see him leave! We will miss him terribly. We are blessed that so many put their lives on the line so that we can live a life of freedom, one that I think we too often take for granted!

Thank you God for our freedom and the people who help protect it!

**Above are just a few of my favorite photos of him! Top: Him at the first trip I went on with the youth group, yep, his hair is in a mohawk with lifesavers on the spikes (It's amazing I liked him at all after he gave me that look all week!). Left: Me, Him, and Derek at Camp Eagle. Right: being silly hanging out on one of our last nights before moving!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Happy Friday!

I just wanted to write today to say that it is gorgeous outside here, albeit, about a million degrees, so too hot to stay out there long, but I'm grateful for the sunshine! It makes drives much better, and I'll be heading home this weekend (I know everyone is surprised, but I really haven't been there in a while!). I have had friends calling to make sure I'm ok, as I haven't been there to visit and I think they miss me! That's good news!

It's also a happy Friday for me, as I just ordered a new computer, that means my 6 year old Dell desktop will no longer be my mode for blog writing, and I'm not really sad about that at all! I'm excited to bring my new laptop with me on my travels, so I can write and post and read whenever my little heart desires!

Today in my blog reading I came across this post and I think everyone should read it! I know everyone is not struggling with the same things I am, but I know that lots of people have lots of struggles, and this post is such a great perspective giver, so read it, you will be blessed! Thanks to the blog author for sharing such a great word!

Have a beautiful weekend everyone!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I'm Grateful For...

**My Faith, and the love of God, and the Hope that comes from that Faith
**My Husband, he's hilarious (in case I haven't mentioned that before), but he's also the kindest, most considerate, supportive person I know and will go out of his way for anyone that he loves! I am blessed to have him.
**My Sister. I know some people aren't super duper close to their siblings, but mine is top notch and I don't know what I'd do without her. She is supportive, fun, funny, and lets me be me and loves me anyway!
**My Parents, both of my parents are amazing and have supported me in all that I've ever wanted to do. I believe in me because they believed in me and taught me to do the same! They go out of their way for me, my sister, and our husbands, and it's a blessing to have people who will give so much of themselves for others without asking anything in return!
**My Pets, yep, my pets because they love me unconditionally and provide me with unlimitied hours of entertainment. They are all pretty good snugglers too! :)
**My Friends. I am blessed with some of the best friends in the entire world. I think that maybe I'm using up someone else's friend blessings because I have so many. To have people that call me, email me, text me, visit me, and take an interest in my life and show true concern about me is a blessing beyond words and I am very very grateful. I shall not list them or it would take forever and it might sound like I'm bragging, but I just wanted to say I am very grateful for each of you!
**ICEEs and Candy, yep, I said it! I love these things and I'm grateful that they were invented, as a good cold ICEE or the perfect candy can put a smile upon my face!
**Football season, LSU and the Saints in particular. This is good, clean, American entertainment at its best! Bring on the Fight songs, the chants, and the touchdowns baby!!!

Just a little list for today! What are you grateful for? Make a post

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


Please visit this blog and read the posting: Letter to Family and Friends.

The author of this blog always finds the best stuff to share and I just adore her!!! This is very helpful (I hope) to those who love us infertiles and really want to help, but don't know how!

Friday, August 6, 2010

God is good

So, I'm over my pity party, feeling much better and making some good improvements in life. Returning to yoga, finding a counselor, running again, and trying to go gluten free (day 6 & counting, going well)!!!

Went to a fun Pampered Chef party last night with Britt! I love kitchen gadgets and have been wanting a mandolin for a long time--done!!!

Now, for something serious, my sweet friend, Karla (a two time BLM and mother to beautiful Julia), is currently 32wks, 4 days with twins, Jake and Keirsten. Baby girl's amniotic fluid is low and not improving, so she will be delivering them via c-section at 1:30 today! Please pray for a safe delivery and for the health of all 3 of them. Also, pray for Julia while home is disrupted to bring her babies home and for her husband, who is a total sweetie, just to hang in there through it all!! They will really appreciate it! Karla has been an awesome support to me over the years we've been friends and is a precious woman of God!!

I hope everyone has a blessed weekend. We are traveling home for Sean's Paw Paw's funeral. We are sad he is gone, but I'm pretty sure he is thrilled!! He was always ready to go to glory and see his precious wife!! I pray they are rejoicing together now with God!!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


I haven't been posting mostly because I've been out of town literally the past two entire weeks, so I'll start there...

Week one of being away was on a mission trip to New Orleans (surely I've mentioned how much I love this place before), and it was a wonderful trip. The kids were amazing and worked really hard. There were a few jobs that were especially hard and left some of our youth looking for something to do, well, rather than just lay around and enjoy the fact that they got an easy day, these guys requested to be moved to jobs where they felt useful! How amazing! God did some great things that week, including allowing me to see my sister and my sweet friend Regan, both of whom I adore completely!!

Week two was in far Southwest Texas with my old youth group from Shreveport. They picked me up in Tyler and we drove the remaining 7ish hours there. To say that this place, Camp Eagle, is beautiful would be a gross understatement. I didn't feel well most of the week so skipped out on much of the adventure activities (rock climbing, repelling, zip lining, sherpa trekking, etc), but I was there for the spiritual components some of the nights (and days). We were blessed with amazing counselors, John and Allison, who both brought so very much to our group! This having been my third time there and Rhonda's like 5th or 6th, we have gotten to see the people who run the camp in action and I'd just like to give a big shout out to Debbie and Chris for doing an amazing job out there. You can sense that their hearts are really in the right place, it's not about them, or making them look good, or about 'bringing in numbers', it's truly a work of trying to do God's will out in the beautiful hill country of SW Texas. I enjoyed the week very much, and those kids can keep you laughing!!!

That brings me to this week, which hasn't been as beautiful, which isn't that how it works when you come off of a spiritual high like camp? But we are once again, not pregnant, (not that I will make this announcement constantly) and I am sad. Sad for not being pregnant, sad for the fact that other people are getting pregnant all around me, sad for the other ladies that didn't get pregnant this cycle, and especially sad for those who are dealing with a pregnancy loss. Then I remember how sad I am that there isn't a baby in our house. I feel violated that someone came here, read my blog, and used my innermost pain to prey on my family for monetary gain. Then I get angry! I'm not sure how any human could treat another person in such a way, and I hope that she gets just punishment for her actions. I need a counselor, and I had a great one in Shreveport (actually two) and wish I could just drive over once a week and talk to Kim again. Currently, I'm in the process of trying to find someone here, so pray that that comes about. I'm sad because I don't really feel like I can say all that I want to here either.

Please send some love to my sweet friend, Angie, as she is having a hard time right now, and I know exactly where she is and how she feels!! She's part of our Fab5 that are always supportive of one another and she deserves so much love and no more heartache!