"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Friday, August 27, 2010

100th post!!!!, visit with new RE, and a giveaway!

That's right, this is my 100th blogpost. I've been waiting to do it when I had some time. That could end up being never, so I decided that a visit with a new RE was good enough reason to write my 100th post!

The RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist, i.e. Fertility Specialist), was great, aside from having to wait for 50 mins, which made me very anxious, everything was wonderful. I could tell he had looked through my entire history, and really paid attention to what had and had not been done. He explained a lot of things about miscarriage and infertility, some things I knew and some were new to me! The way he did it was compassionate, and informative. He didn't give me that feeling of this place being a puppy mill, like my last RE's office did repeatedly!! There were some things that he felt were huge red flags that should have lead to previous testing, but we are going to be doing now. For all of you who are wondering and have asked, I will be having an HSG done, which not only tells if your tubes are open, but also gives information about your uterus and cervix. So, having been told previously that I didn't need this test because I have been pregnant twice and my tubes are obviously open, I now know that it looks for uterine abnormalities, which could include scar tissue, or oddly shaped uterus. So, I'm glad that is being done. I had a blood test run, will have another done, and hubby will have a blood test run. If you want to know more details, you can email me, at I'm a pretty open book, but I don't think all of my specific things should be put on a blog, and certainly not the things that concern more than just me! So, just be praying that our testing comes back and when it does that the doctor will be knowledgeable in how to handle anything that we may be thrown! I will say this, the clomid and metformin are out! He says I do NOT need those and should not be taking them. This is good news as they both have unwanted side effects!!

Next, I am doing giveaway in honor of my 100th post, but it's also a little selfish, in that I want some feedback from all of you! Two things that I need are the following: 1. if you follow this blog consistently and aren't registered as a follower, please do so, as it will help me when it comes to the book I'm trying to write. Having consistent followers does make you have more credibility than having fewer. 2. I want to hear your thoughts and feeling, specifically on the things that people have said or done that have hurt you the most, throughout your infertility or losses. These responses I would like to put in my book, but only with your permission, and I wouldn't mention your name unless you request that. (Some of my friends are already mentioned, and they will have to suck it up--(; as there's no real way around it!).

So, if you sign up as a follower, I'll enter you into a drawing to win something from Magnolia Creative (as she'll be in my book without prior authorization!).

And, if you leave a comment that tells something that you've experienced (or if you haven't been through this, something that someone else has complained has happened to them, or you've found yourself saying wrong), I'll enter you in a drawing for a piece of jewelry by MamaMiaTina. She is a baby lost mommy and does great jewelry that you can customize, so sign up and be entered!

While I'm plugging all of my creative friends (I'm blessed to have some real talent in my friend pool!), I wanted to direct you with kiddos to Kenzington Kollections. Sweet Rachel has some great things there and one of the cutest rainbow babies out there!!

So, happy Friday everyone, I'm off to a retreat with my youth girls having speaker, Keiah Ellis, join us!! Again, if you haven't read her book "Aftermath" go get it now!!!

I have literally found myself in so many places reading your comments, from laughing out loud to the possible chapter title of "you can't make this kind of Bleep up", to crying for the things we've all had to endure, to exhausted for all that we've been through! I'm literally taking each of the emails I receive to notify me of a post and putting them in a folder in my email for book research! Thank you all so much and keep them coming!!


  1. First, I am so glad to hear that your RE appointment went well. I know it had to have been hard, but it is over with now!

    Second, you asked about hurtful things people have said. This one is the most recent so it's the first one that comes to mind, although my goodness there are more...and I KNOW people don't mean anything by their comments, they just don't think. But, as you know, I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks this past Tuesday. I got an email yesterday asking when we were going to start TTC again. Really?? I still have a baby in my belly, have just found out I will never get to meet this child, am grieving the loss of broken dreams for this baby and I get asked when will we try again? It's as if this little life isn't at all important, the only important thing is the quest for a child. It really hurt and I didn't even know how to respond...I have not thought about what the next step will be. I simply have to ask the Lord for the strength to get through TODAY.

  2. I am too tired to impart to share anything deep or profound tonight. But, I wanted you to know i'm reading. I'm glad you are having the hsg. I've been told that even if you've been pregnant before, your tubes can still become blocked. So, that is a good test to have. Glad you don't need the clomid, either. Thinking of you and sending love. xo

  3. Happy 100th post!

    Sorry I can't officially follow your blog - I'm on wordpress :(.

  4. Congratulations on your 100th post! It sounds like your new RE is great! So glad you liked him. That's very important.

    I think a lot of people say hurtful things because they have no idea what to say. Or they think telling you a story is going to help. I haven't had anyone say anything intentionally hurtful. I just have a lot of people tell me now that as soon as we adopt we will probably get pregnant. I want to say, well unless I magically start ovulating on my own, we won't. Of course I don't rule anything out with God, but I doubt it's going to happen...and that's ok.
    When we were trying to get pregnant, I had a few people tell me to just stop trying and it would happen. Or to just go drink a bottle of wine and it would happen because that's how they got pregnant. We were relaxed before we started fertility treatments. It's hard to just relax when you are taking meds that make you feel crazy and you have to have sperm inseminated into your body. Not easy to just relax or drink a bottle of wine and drive to the dr's office. ha! I can laugh now, but at the time I sure wasn't. Ok...I'm blabbing. Good luck with your book!

  5. Hooray for 100 posts!! And I'm so, so glad that the visit with the RE is done and went well. It is so nice to feel like someone is on your team and working hard to help you out. I'm glad you felt comfortable there. Oh, I wanted to mention that I had been pregnant I think 6 times before a doctor ever suggested an HSG. I guess they just like to cover all the bases and at that point I was willing to do anything to find answers. Hope yours comes back normal and you can check that off of your list, or that it may show something that can be easily dealt with. Continuing to pray for you during this process!

    Here are a few of the worst things I've experienced as far as insensitive comments:
    1. Being told that it was for the best that I lost the baby because "there was probably something wrong with him/her." And anyway, I was "young and could always have another baby."
    2. Being asked to volunteer in the nursery at church on Mother's Day so the moms could enjoy the service.
    3. In general, just feeling like there was a specific time limit on my grief after a miscarriage and that we should be "over it" already.
    4. After my 5th loss, a friend told me about someone she met who'd had 10 m/cs before having her child. My heart sank as I couldn't imagine living through another one at that point. This was just a few days after my loss and the timing really wasn't right for that and did NOT make me feel better. It didn't help to hear that I might have to have 5 more babies die, but I should just hang in there.

    Those are just a few that stand out. Hope that helps!

  6. YAY! So glad your RE appt went well! He sounds like he's a pretty good doctor! As for the most hurtfull thing that people have said to me post Bryston & Peanut, I would have to say are the following;
    1. You'll have another. (Um hello! My babies cannot be relaced!)
    2. These things happen for a reason. (Really? And what might that reason be?)
    4. A lady once asked me if I had any kids, which as you know is a touchy question for all of us BLM's. So I said, "Yes, but he was born still." She said, "Oh, Im sorry. So how is he?" (What?!?) So I blurted out, "He was a stillborn, he's dead!"
    3. I hate it when people ask if you have kids, you give the answer and they just qickly change the subjece or act like they didnt hear you. Please do not ignore me or the fact that my children exhisted. I think this has got to be the most painfull one yet.
    3. And for the finale, on my first day back to work a girl I ran into asked, "How is your baby doing?" I said, "He didnt make it, he was born a stillborn." So she said, "Oh yeah, I think I heard about that." (Seriously!)
    I could go on and on but I think you get the picture. Good luck on your book Deni! (((HUGS)))

  7. SO glad to hear you felt really encouraged by the RE visit!! I've been at Women of Faith (awesome!) all weekend but was DYING to know how it went so told my husband I just had to check ONE blog when I got home to see what happened!! (And you know I'm nosy, so I wouldn't be surprised if you got an email from me too...heads up, right? :)

    Just happy for you friend that you seem encouraged. It does so much for the heart.

    What amazing giveaways! I never win but I'll answer stuff anyway (got the ok to check one blog, so making the most of it!!!) I follow you, but sometimes see me as a follower and sometimes don't...not sure why that is, but you are in my Reader, so I don't know the deal.

    As for things people have said...goodness, I've honestly forgotten so many of the infertility things in the last 10 years. Of course there's the old, familiar ones: Take a vacation, you'll get pregnant. Buy new furniture, you'll get pregnant. Go into debt, you'll get pregnant. Relax, you'll get pregnant. Adopt, you'll get pregnant.

    Insulting on so many levels--mainly as insults to my intelligence, but really just ignorance about how painful infertility is with such nonchalance.

    Mourning an adoption that ended up not happening was truly devastating for me and more often than not, I heard, "Well, at least you didn't meet the baby." Yeah, because that made the mega-bucks we lost and the planning we did for nothing and the humongous place in our hearts we made for that sweet little girl only to be filled with loss all better, right? People just DO NOT GET that we are able to (and so often do) mourn the loss of a child who was not biologically ours nor ever met so deeply...they were conceived in our heart and that just doesn't go away because they never 'came to fruition' in our lives.

    As far as loss with Matthew, honestly, again it's mostly the same lines everyone hears...when will you try again? Maybe it's better you didn't hold him. IVF worked once, it can work again. He's in a better place. (Definitely so, but I am not, so that still hurts) Yada, yada, yada.

    The thing I think that has really hurt me more than anything is that once we found out we were having another boy, SO. MANY. PEOPLE told me things like, "Great! You're all set already!!"

    Umm, yeah...I AM all set. For a precious little boy named John Matthew...that baby I love and carried and gave birth to and died in his daddy's know, the one who's funeral you attended? Remember him??? THAT's who I am all set for!

    This new little baby boy does not replace him and requires (and deserves) the same planning and preparation that was so lovingly done for his big brother.

    Even family members say things like, "Well, you don't really need a shower now since you have everything," or "Good thing it's not a girl because then you'd have to repaint the room."

    Really? Like repainting a room would be so taxing??

    No...taking the letters that spell my precious boy's name off the wall and wondering what to do with them for the rest of my life...THAT's taxing. And heartbreaking. And simply something mothers should never have to do.

    Good grief...told you I was taking advantage of checking my one blog, huh?!!

  8. Hi Deni !
    Congratulations on your 100 th post and thank you for béing here and sharing your experience .
    Good to hear that you got on well at the RE -appointment.
    I pray for good results for you and Sean .
    I am waiting for my appointment on the 9 th of September .
    Im proud of you that you want to write a book .
    In a world when miscarriage or loss of a child is still rather taboo we need people who want to talk about it and educate other people who hasnt been through it .
    FOr me the most hurtful thing is people that dont say anything , that dont ask you how you are even if they know that you went through a loss .They dont ask because its probably uncomfortable for them to talk about so sad things or maybe because they just dont know how much it hurts to go through a miscarriage.
    IT hurt me when the doctor that confirmed my second miscarriage didnt even say " Im sorry for your loss " or didnt even ask if I would like to get a ´referral to a therapist to deal with my grief.
    Thanks God I have found support online and thankfully I have my " Fab five " group that understands but that doctor didnt know that and she didnt bother to ask if I need any help.
    This makes me want to write to the management of that clinic and complain to give them feedback on how to improve the care of babylost parents as I dont wish anybody else to go through this in the future and NOT being asked if they need some help to cope .
    It annoys me that my sister in law has not even bothered to give me a phone call and say Im sorry or " how are you " after my second loss ( she didnt do it after the first either ) Wedont live in the same country so we dont meet often but one thinks that a phone call couldnt be that difficult to make .
    Even my own mother doesnt know how to handle it , I know she doesnt know how it is as it never happened to her but I wish she could be more supportive .
    I wish it could be ok to talk about those things and I know that there is a lot to be done to get rid of this taboo and teach people how to deal with friends and family that suffer miscarriage and childloss and / or infertility.
    Hugs - Angie

  9. Hooray sister and your 100th post! I updated my blog for you! :)

  10. I'm sorry I'm late reading this! It sounds as though you are in great hands with your new RE! YAY! YAY! YAY! I'm so happy that they are good to you and compassionate, etc. You deserve the best hon and I hope you have it sooner than later!

  11. Well, after reading these posts, I feel that my story is inconsequential. I too underwent IVF and lost two pregnancies. My experience is not nearly the same as others on this post and perhaps I overreacted. But I got two positive results and subsequently (very shortly into the pregnancies) lost them both. I think that no one tells you the possibility that IVF can "work" without really working. I thought that if I got a positive result, that I was in. Wrong. Anyway, my hurtful things are similar (the sister that never said I am sorry for your loss) and shameful (the now ex-husband who left to get me lunch while I awaited my period after a loss and didn't return for 8 hours because he got drunk at a bar--adding insult to injury by eating said lunch). I don't know if it fits with your book to have this kind of drama, but I think the clencher was when I did finally get pregnant with my new husband and my persistently incompassionate and obtuse sister said (because she was more concerned about the feelings of my lunch-stealing alcoholic ex-husband) "couldn't she have waited?" No happines, joy, understanding, or good wishes. Oh and this is after ridiculing me for not "throwing myself a pity party" instead of going to her impromptu engagement party in a bar during the throes of my grief and depression. Maybe you can title my chapter "You can't make this Bleep up".

  12. Congrats on a productive RE appt. It took us 3.5 years to conceive our twins finally with the help of clomid. I found this blog through a friend on facebook.

    Now I am not sure exactly which direction your book is going, early pregnancy loss, late pregnancy loss or early infant loss. But my loss was when my daughter was 16 days old. She was a twin, the other twin survived. If there was one message I want to put out there it is:

    Losing a twin is not easier because there is still another baby, it is harder. you are trying to grieve and take care of the surviving baby at the same time. You have a constant reminder of the lost baby in front of you. Also there is an entire second line of grief for the twins as a unit that is lost, all those dreams of matching outfits and them playing together is very hard to let go of.

    You would be amazed at how many people will say at least you still have Lillian. And I am grateful Lily survived, but I am supposed to have two babies, and one of my arms is still empty.

  13. I have just been introduced to your blog through a connection we have on Facebook. Congrats on your 100th post!!! I plan to catch myself up, and I'll be emailing you with some of my own information. I'm hoping we can be an asset to each other as we move forward with hope in our hearts!

  14. YAY for 100 posts! I hit 100 the other day and completely forgot to "Commemorate" it!

    As far as hurtful things? Well, you know the! And especially the most recent...something along the lines of "I had a dream that you will NEVER carry a baby to term, but since I can I will just carry your baby for you"

    Love ya and see you soon!

  15. I am now an official follower under the correct account! Congrats on the 100th post and I'm so happy I can help out in the giveaway.

    I also wanted to say thanks for all you do and say Deni. I always read your blog and I'm so glad that you have the support system you do and that you and your friends are so open and willing to share your challenges so others can learn how to help and support their friends. I love you lots and lots and pray for you and Sean always.

    See you Saturday when we cheer on our Tigers!!

  16. First congrats on the RE appointment. Reading your blog reminded me to set my own appointment up so thank you :)

    As for something that has upset me through this hard journey..... A tiny bit about my story. I have lost two babies in the past 6 months. Both were missed miscarriages and I needed a D & C for each. 2/11/10 & 8/19/10 I lost my angels.

    The first thing to make me angry in all of this was my doctor's cold emotionless announcement that my first child had no heartbeat and I had miscarried. I can't even express to you how robotic he was. I have never wanted to punch someone so bad in my life!
    The second thing that was hurtful the first time and is also the case at times this time around.... People that shut down when I tell them I miscarried. People that seem almost offended. The conversation ends and it's like I did something wrong by telling them this. I will not lie about my babies. I am a mother of two and they are just as loved as any children I will hopefully love on Earth one day!
    Third are the reactions of "time will heal all wounds" and "you will be fine soon" people who have never gone through this simply do not understand. This pain will never fully go away. If anything I will get used to it. Sort of numb in a way. It will become a sad companion. I try to cheer myself with thoughts of my angels in Heaven where there is no pain and only love but still there is a piece of me that time cannot heal.
    Miscarriages have changed my life forever.

    ‎"God's will won't take you where His grace won't protect you."

  17. Thank you so much for letting me be a part of your 100th post giveaway!! Please don't enter me to win one of my own pieces...I have enough for now! ;)

    As mentioned by the other ladies here, I don't think anyone has said things to intentionally hurt me, but there have been things that still sting. Especially when someone tells me my girls were not meant to be. I feel like if they weren't meant to be then I never would have conceived them. Really though, all though cliches people say don't sit well with me when it comes to the loss of my twins.

    Best wishes with your book Deni, if there is anything I can do to help you out with it please don't hesitate to ask!

  18. Congrats on 100 posts!!

    One of the things that I always think of first is when people told me "I'm sorry for your loss" when finding out that my daughter wouldn't live. It just did not seem appropriate to me when my daughter was still alive and kicking inside of me.