I've been quiet here...

There have been posts that swirl in my head all of the time.  Having a baby does not erase the pain of loss, the pain of infertility, or the pain associated with a failed adoption/adoption scam.

Tonight my heart is heavy for someone in the blog world who has experienced what we did with that adoption debacle.  Hearing of someone else's heartbreak in a similar situation has me in tears.  The feelings associated with what happened to us are long-lasting, they are painful, and they shouldn't be forgotten.

I think that adoption is a beautiful, wonderful blessing and I have many friends who have filled their families this way.  I think that it is God-breathed and sacred.

Will I ever attempt it again?  I never say never, but the likelihood is slim to none.  The pain associated with our experience was quite different from my two miscarriages.  The difference being that another human being preyed upon our weakness, our struggles, the deepest pain we've known and used it to her advantage.  And all for money, or material goods.  I cannot imagine the fake nails and extensions she bought with our money was worth the jail time that she's serving now (not related to our case, but for other criminal acts, ours just forced her to be found).  I think about that child being raised without a mother and how that will affect her for years to come.  I think about walking past an empty nursery for months and not allowing anyone to even walk in there because it was too painful.

Preying upon infertile families for monetary gain is criminal, and should be punished, these women, the supposed "birthmothers" who pretend they are going to give up their babies so they can get money from a couple desperately hoping for a child is the worst kind of deception.  It should be punished, it should be tried and these women should pay for doing something so heinous to another human being.  I could go on and on about how vile I think these women who do this are, how reprehensible their behavior, and how they should be treated.  I know I should not be judging and I should not want revenge, those things are not of God, but I also know that those things anger Him as well.  He doesn't want to see His children suffer and we are called to lift one another up, not tear each other down.  The tearing down that occurs after an adoption scam is lasting.  It makes trusting anyone nearly impossible, it makes opening your heart to the possibility again unthinkable, and it leaves you empty, hurting, and angry.  These are things that shouldn't happen to anyone.

I will continue to voice my opinion about this and continue to do what I can to change the way that adoption laws are set up and how birthmothers can be compensated because I think that this type of crime should be recognized, should be addressed, and should be corrected!

What a difference a year makes

Last year on June 30th we were dealing with some very awkward shadiness from our supposed birthmother.  She wasn't responding to texts or calls and her mom was making strange texts to me with very odd behavior.  What we didn't realize until the next day was that the reason was she was giving birth to the child that we thought for 6 months was to be our child.  We had prepared our lives and our hearts for the arrival of a baby after 3.5 years of trying to make our family grow.

To say that the next few days was utter devastation would be a gross understatement, and I've prayed all along that this baby, our Cala would not be born on the same day.  Not that I have ill feelings towards that baby, as she was an innocent pawn in a very ugly game, but I didn't want them to share a birthday.  That was such an awful time of realizing we had been so violently deceived and taken advantage of; to know that another human being would intentionally hurt our hearts the way that we came to realize was an awful experience.  Someone described it as the most reprehensible act a person could do to another person, and I agree.  Choosing to parent a child that was not born of your flesh is a gift, and I will always see it as that, and I see the child as a gift to the family that they join, so intentionally taking advantage of such a situation is beyond anything that I can comprehend.  I think about that little girl often and hope that her life isn't horrible, though she is living without her mother, which can't be a positive thing.  I do hope that she overcomes the obstacles that have been forced upon her and lives a happy life.

But today I'm completely reminded of the utter pain and devastation that we waded through one year ago and am grateful that I have my husband, my sister, and good friends to continue to support me through these trials and that this year is completely different.

I also ask you to send some love over to Michele at My Life After Loss, as they were planning on adopting a child who was born this week and the birthmother changed her mind.  My heart breaks for them and sends so much love to them during this gut-wrenching time and the healing time that is ahead of them.

** Sorry this isn't my most eloquent post, this is just emotional for me **

new feature...and a vent

I just wanted to point out that on both of my blogs you can now sign up to have new posts sent to your email.  I know everyone does not want this feature, but if you're not a huge blogger and would like my updates, just sign up on the right.  You can get to my other blog here if you'd like to see that one.

My vent is this...
The other day we were watching Baby Mama (which I no longer like at all, though Amy Phoeler is hilarious to me).  For those of you who have followed this blog for a while you will know that we had a failed adoption last summer, that wasn't so much a fail as a complete scam.  So, watching this 'baby mama' con Tina Fey's character the whole time doesn't sit well with me and I don't have any sympathy for her.  It also pisses me off that in the end Tina Fey so easily conceives a child and has a perfect little girl.  This is not reality people, though I know it happens randomly to some people, the whole "quit trying and it'll happen" notion is true far less often than it is false, so please refrain from using that stupid remark!  It doesn't end there, this was one of those "Dinner and a Movie" type things where there are commentators telling you about the movie (which I think is stupid as well), and the hostess said "well, that wasn't such a serious offense", while the host goes on to quote such horrid things as someone 'selling the Brooklyn bridge to tourists' as a major crime in history.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but do you really think that the thought of owning a bridge is somehow more painful of a loss than the thought of bringing home a child that you've prepared for for months on end?!!?  I screamed at the TV, "I wish I could jump through there and punch you both in the face for saying something so stupid!!!"

That is the problem with adoption scams, people do not see them as major offenses.  I'm not sure how much those people "paid" for the Brooklyn Bridge back in the 70s/80s whenever that happened, but I can assure you our losses were big, and we will not be recouping any of our money from the government who seems to think that if you make a certain amount of money you deserve to lose it in an adoption scam.

And obviously the anger is still there from time to time!  I was thrilled to hear of another friend who went through such a tragedy and is expecting legislation to be put into place in her state for "adoption scams", praying we will be so effective in my home state!

Memories I wasn't expecting...

***This post mentions pregnancy, but you may want to read anyway because that's not the focus***

I didn't realize when I started prepping for Cala to come all the emotions that I would be faced with. You see last summer I bought oodles of baby clothes, mostly because we weren't having any showers because we were adopting a baby and we never knew for sure if that would happen. There are always risks when adopting, but no one ever thinks that for approximately six months of their lives some sadistic girl would be manipulating them just for money. You think about the birth mother possibly changing her mind, which you can understand, as an infertile you could never imagine giving up a baby, so if someone else couldn't give up their child you can accept it and understand a little bit.

It is very different when someone has purposely crept into your life and taken advantage of the things that are most painful for you! I picked out clothing for a little girl that was supposed to come home with us last summer, but the truth is she was never supposed to come home with us. She was never our daughter, and that is sad too. It is sad that her mother committed crimes for money that are costing her daughter a mother. I think about that little girl often and pray for her because I can't imagine what it's like in her world, or how it will be in the future. I know that when I look at all of those darling clothes, some of which are gifts from people we love dearly, I know they are meant for Cala, who will be arriving in July of 2011.

I also know that the human part of me is still angry, not at all like I was, and the constant thoughts of it have dissipated (thank God, as only He could relieve them), but they are still there! I'm still bitter that we lost so much money, not because a mother couldn't bear to separate from her precious child that she had carried for nine months, nope, we are out all of that money so that some criminal could get extensions, fancy maternity photos, a 3D ultrasound, a nice apartment, multiple manicures, and spending money while she did absolutely nothing but harass me constantly. Yes, I'm still bitter about that.

I do firmly believe that the situation was orchestrated by God, that He gave her the opportunity to make the situation right, to make a good choice for her daughter, to make the situation not a criminal one, but that He knew the outcome and He knew that we wouldn't let it lie. He doesn't want to see another family hurt by this criminal, and He knows we will continue to pursue it, as we feel it is the right thing to do. This is the only thing that gives me peace in the situation because my heart was completely broken last summer, we were hurt more deeply than can be put into words and we will not forget it. However, had that not been the case I would not be pregnant with my own biological child right now, so for that I am eternally grateful!

Adoption Scam update

We received a letter in the mail today informing us that the girl who called herself our birth mother is still in jail, and will be there with a parole option not coming until 2013. If she were to serve her full sentence, she'll be there until 2020, but that is highly unlikely as it's based on behavior, and we've learned she's a very good actress (unless of course you don't give her the amount of money she wants for a car). This sentence has NOTHING to do with the charges we brought against her, it is for previous offenses (including a previous adoption scam). We are still waiting waiting waiting for how they handle our charges and what the outcome of that will be.

These are my thoughts on this notice:

1. I'm glad they are keeping us informed as to her whereabouts.

2. I think she deserves to be there for a super super long time.

3. Her poor daughter doesn't have a mother, she'll be at least 3 before her mom even has a chance to get out of jail (on this sentence only). Please pray for her, as I can't imagine how this will affect her whole life. Nor how it would/will affect her to hear why her mom is in jail.

4. I'm still mad almost daily. The feelings I have for this woman are not quite to hate, because I don't put that much effort into it, but I get pissed on an almost daily basis when I think about the things that she lied to me about and how she manipulated us, and the situation she's left her child in.

I pray no one else goes through such a thing, though unfortunately through blogging, I know I'm not the only one to experience this.

My positive thoughts from this:

1. I'm glad she's off the streets and can't do this to another family, and I won't rest until I know that justice has been served and that no one else can be harmed by this one person. That being the result of our pain gives it meaning and makes me happy that we could help in some way.

2. If we hadn't suffered this we would never have sought out a new RE and would not be expecting, so God does bring good out of bad always! He is good all the time!

Update

Our former birthmother (wish I had another term for her as that wasn't really the case ever!), but whatever you want to call her, I'll use scammer, is currently behind bars. I say this not to gloat on her situation, but to say that I am certain that our role and having to endure this pain was to make sure that someone else didn't have to fall victim to this sick person. We will pursue making sure she is prosecuted to the full extent of the law, as ours was not a 'change of mind', but a full out scam job.

She is in jail due to a parole violation back in February, so what happens from here I am not really sure. I pray that in her incarceration that others will be praying for her salvation, as she does have a baby girl to consider. The anger I feel right now will not allow me to pray that specifically for her at this time, but I am praying that God will work on my heart in the future. I will ask that anyone who wants to please lift up the child in prayer because she doesn't have her mother right now, and she is an innocent by-stander, a precious child of God. Without a doubt, I believe that her grandmother is loving and caring for her, at least that's what I hope and pray.

I myself, will be gone this next week on a mission trip to New Orleans, LA with my high schoolers. New Orleans is probably my favorite place in the world. I love it there, the food, the culture, the history, the people watching, the atmosphere, everything. So, I am thrilled that we are helping in a place that really is near and dear to my heart. Going with my youth and watching them grow and share and love is a gift beyond words, so I'm super pumped about this trip. The next week I'll be with some other people that I dearly love, that is my former youth group in Shreveport, I'm going to camp with their mid high group, and I'm super ecstatic about that as well. There will be fun, adventure (think zip line, rock climbing, repelling, hiking), and worship, oh how I love worship!!!! These are going to be two awesome weeks, but I will miss my sweet husband.

If I haven't mentioned it lately, I adore him. Seriously!! He called me today and started laughing (he's hysterical and thinks so himself) and reminded me of our first 'real' date where we went to eat sushi and I dropped a piece in my soy sauce, splattering it all over my cream colored shirt--not so funny to me, but he thought it was hilarious, still does obviously. Still it made me laugh again, and he makes me laugh ALL THE TIME!!

I also got to meet with a sweet, beautiful woman of God named Keiah Ellis. She recently wrote a book, that I HIGHLY recommend to everyone. It's called "Aftermath" and it is God-breathed. Check it out--immediately!!

Happy Weekend to all!!!

How do I say this?...

I'll just have to put it out there. I think that writing this will be therapeutic...

Our adoption was a scam. Literally, from the beginning, our birthmother never intended to give us the baby and has done this to another family previously. Wow! That was hard to write.

So, there it is in black and white. She is an actual criminal, not like ha!ha!, but seriously, it's like her career. I know she's read this before, which is where she began her attack on my family. So, if you're reading this, Darla, thanks for such a wild ride!

While I am very sad that we didn't end up with a baby, I also know that the best thing possible has happened. Had we given up in the process, this would never have been found out and she might be able to do this to yet another family. Throughout the whole process I was skeptical, there were lots of alarms about this little girl, and many times we wanted to bail. As I continuously prayed about the situation, I never was given confirmation to bail. I assumed that that was because regardless of her baloney, we'd end up with a baby in the end. Sometimes what we think are the purpose, and what really are, end up different. I believe in this case, our experience was to be able to help stop this girl from hurting anyone else (her rap sheet tells a story of the many people she's taken in her wake).

From early on, I said that I wanted to work on adoption reform, to decrease the chances for families (who desperately want children) being taken advantage of in return for monetary assistance. Currently in many states, a birthmother can be paid living expenses, medical expenses, and even more. Now, I will say that I am in no way bashing birthmothers, I know that there are some amazing women out there who lovingly gave their children better homes--I know quite a few of these adopted children and they are blessed! I am saying that there should be reform to decrease the birthmothers, who promise their children in return for money and then "change their minds" in the end. I'm certain that this happens out of the sheer inability to let go of their children most of the time, but then there are scammers, and people who just really aren't honest and are trying to get a buck without working for it. Then families like ours get pulled through the mud, lose our money that we worked hard for, and end up broken-hearted again.

Luckily, in this instance, I can see the purpose early on. It is refreshing to see all of the ways that God worked in this situation. We did prepare and decorate and buy clothes, but no one in our families truly believed that this adoption was going to happen (I may be speaking out of turn, but this is my blog!). I believe that the Holy Spirit kept our hearts guarded for a reason, so that the loss wouldn't be as great, and we would be able to recover. We [Reids and Troxclairs] are some serious fighters and overcome obstacles together. Sean and I are a pretty strong team, and continue to grow stronger as we face obstacles together. My husband is my greatest gift from God since I've been grown (see how I did that because my sister came when I was little!!). Secondly, God has also shown me that He can TRULY support me and hold me up if I'll only trust Him!

After my second loss, I was so angry with God, maybe I needed somewhere to focus it, but instead of clinging to Him, I blamed Him. This experience has been much different, as my faith has grown so much over the past year. Probably being so fully against our move yet seeing just how much God has done here, I've learned a lot about His sovereignty. Throughout this whole surreal experience I have had a calm and a peace. I knew that as many people as we had praying for this situation that the outcome, even if I didn't love it, would certainly be God's will for us. So, when the answer was NO, I was at peace.

Thank you so much to all of our friends and family who have been praying for us. Your love and support have helped sustain us as God's perfectly placed angels on earth! Continue to pray for our next steps in "Making Our Troxclair Family"!!

p.s. I know that some people are wondering if we will use the name Cala Fay with another baby, the answer is YES! This was NOT our Cala Fay (this baby has actually had another name all along used by her parents in maternity pictures that I found I might add!!). Our baby has yet to be put with us, but we BELIEVE that one day she will!