"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Thursday, June 30, 2011

What a difference a year makes

Last year on June 30th we were dealing with some very awkward shadiness from our supposed birthmother.  She wasn't responding to texts or calls and her mom was making strange texts to me with very odd behavior.  What we didn't realize until the next day was that the reason was she was giving birth to the child that we thought for 6 months was to be our child.  We had prepared our lives and our hearts for the arrival of a baby after 3.5 years of trying to make our family grow.

To say that the next few days was utter devastation would be a gross understatement, and I've prayed all along that this baby, our Cala would not be born on the same day.  Not that I have ill feelings towards that baby, as she was an innocent pawn in a very ugly game, but I didn't want them to share a birthday.  That was such an awful time of realizing we had been so violently deceived and taken advantage of; to know that another human being would intentionally hurt our hearts the way that we came to realize was an awful experience.  Someone described it as the most reprehensible act a person could do to another person, and I agree.  Choosing to parent a child that was not born of your flesh is a gift, and I will always see it as that, and I see the child as a gift to the family that they join, so intentionally taking advantage of such a situation is beyond anything that I can comprehend.  I think about that little girl often and hope that her life isn't horrible, though she is living without her mother, which can't be a positive thing.  I do hope that she overcomes the obstacles that have been forced upon her and lives a happy life.

But today I'm completely reminded of the utter pain and devastation that we waded through one year ago and am grateful that I have my husband, my sister, and good friends to continue to support me through these trials and that this year is completely different.

I also ask you to send some love over to Michele at My Life After Loss, as they were planning on adopting a child who was born this week and the birthmother changed her mind.  My heart breaks for them and sends so much love to them during this gut-wrenching time and the healing time that is ahead of them.

** Sorry this isn't my most eloquent post, this is just emotional for me **


  1. I hate that this happened to you. I remember how heartbreaking this was for you.

    We've talked about this and I know that Cala may not be arriving soon had this not happened. It doesn't make it ok, it was a horrible path you went down to get where you are. And that sucks!! Just like infertility and loss sucks! When I held Ellie the first time it all made sense to me.
    Ok...that was sooooo not eloquent and I hope I made sense to you and I didn't say anything stupid!
    I cannot wait for Cala to make her appearance. She is one lucky girl because you are an amazing mommmy!

  2. My kindred spirit,

    I believe we are traveling the paths we were meant to be on. Yes, we've been stoned along the way, but we've also seen the greatness that only he can bestow. Look forward my friend, as that rear view mirror is too painful to gaze into.

    Your Cala, your miracle is "why" things didn't work out. You were meant to be her mama! I have to believe this :)

    And I also believe there's a place in hell for people who are so cruel! Sorry, but when you stomp on my friend you stomp on me!

    Love you 2and the moon & back!!!

  3. Hi Deni !

    Your and Seans journey to become parents is one of the most amazing I have ever seen.
    Some things are beyond comprehension for the human mind and I like the thought that God somehow watches your path and helps you through the hard moments .
    When you look back try not to be only sad and angry which is totally human but also try to give yourself a hug for coping with it so wonderful as you and Sean have done .
    You didnt give in to helplesness and depression , you kept exploring other paths that could be possible to walk for you and look at you today : you are an amazing woman with a big heart and so much wisdom and so much to look forward to
    You will be a perfect mother for your little daughter and thats so special and unique .
    I know your went through so much pain on this journey but surviving it has made you so much stronger and wiser and a better mother for little Cala .
    I keep praying for a safe delivery for you and her .
    Love Angie

  4. I can't believe it was nearly a year ago. You truly had an amazing year. You are going to be the best and strongest mom, Deni. I'm so excited about the arrival of sweet Cala. She really is a special little lady. =)

  5. thinking of you my sweet friend

  6. I can't believe everything you've been through to get to this point! ((Hugs))