The flip of the coin...

Some of you who blog may now know who my friend is that lost her baby last week, if so please go send her love, if not you can email me and ask. It seems so unfair to me and it makes me pretty mad to be honest! We were very excited to be going through pregnancy together, as mommies who have lost babies, it's nice to have someone who understands the complexities of being pregnant after loss, and now for her it's all sadness and tragedy over again. It makes me mad that we don't get to share this and mad that she got pregnant only to lose another baby.

Being on this side has taught me some about those who have surrounded me in my losses and how hard it must have been for them in knowing how to reach me, how to help me, and how to be there for me. I must say that there were a few people who, without understanding or having been there were amazing friends and I hope you know that I will never forget that! Then there were others who didn't know how to handle it and so didn't do so well, or somewhat avoided me and the situation, and while it hurt me, I can see how that would be the case, more now than I could while I was neck deep in grief. It's hard for me as I want to be there for my friend constantly and yet I feel like I am a constant reminder to what she has lost (I must say, she hasn't made me feel this way, she is still being as happy for me as can be). I know things people said that bothered me and I make it a point not to say those things. I make it a point to say the things that helped me (which were few), but mostly just to let her vent and talk and say whatever she needs to, whenever she needs without judgment (I couldn't judge I've said/felt all of those things too). My point here being, it's strange to be on the flip side, and I'm very happy that I am, but so so so very sad for my friend as I know the deep chasm of pain she's feeling. This is her fourth loss, so I won't even pretend to know how profoundly this is affecting her, but I will try to be there.

This leads me to a final point that I feel should be addressed and I don't mean to offend anyone, but only to explain why this would be touchy. So many people say so many things that they intend to be helpful and that they mean very well by, but some of the things people say end up hurting way more than helping, my case in point for today is this comment (that most all moms who have miscarried more than once have heard)...

"I would gladly be a surrogate for you".

I know that this is meant in the best way possible and that in all actuality it would be one of the biggest sacrifices ever for someone to make for me or anyone else who can't carry a baby, but let me tell you what a newly BLM hears...

You can't carry a baby on your own. My body works better than yours. You are broken, I am not. I can do something that you can't do. I have no faith that you will ever accomplish what you are trying to hard to accomplish. I can make babies and you can't. I can do what God created us to do and you can't.

I know, I know, no one who offers that means any of the above statements AT ALL and when we are rational and not hurting so badly, we get that and every once in a while appreciate it, but the fact is, we never give up on hoping that our bodies won't fail us. Most of us have NEVER considered surrogacy, and probably wouldn't choose that route first and foremost. It is a kind gesture, but maybe say something like "I wish I could take this pain from you and prevent it from happening" because once we are rational and feeling semi-normal (we never are the same person again) we know that's what you really mean. So thank you so much for the kind offer, for caring enough to want to take the pain, and for being there for us, just know that offer actually hurts more than it helps (unless we approach you about doing something of the sort).

Hallelujah

Well, that was my facebook post yesterday (still is since I don't change it every 5 seconds), and this is why...

We got back our test results from everything with Dr. S at the best clinic ever (hope that doesn't change). It seems weird to say that I'm excited that they found something, but for those of us who have had more than one loss, you know that having a reason is paramount. If you have a reason, you know what to do, you know if you can treat it, you feel that you've been responsible by finding it so as not to have another loss, and you are glad to know it's nothing that you 'did' that caused your losses.

With all of that said, all of hubby's tests came back normal, hooray for the love of my life! He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I, however, wasn't so lucky! If you've lost more than one child, you know that it makes you feel like a little death trap, and you want to stop it if you can. Many women who lose more than one baby don't even want to try again for fear of killing another baby. Sounds dramatic, but really it's how we feel.

Without further ado, I have hyperactive Natural Killer Cells!! Yep, these little cells are in everyone's body, mine are on overdrive, which means they are attacking my embryos, usually before they ever implant, but obviously twice ours got past that (which to me means that Layla and Michael were some serious fighters!!!). This is good news because as Dr. S says "if you have to have something wrong, this is a good one because it's easily treatable!". There are a few choices for treatment and the clinic where I go is fairly cutting edge, so we will be using IV intralipids to treat the NK cells, or suppress them so they don't keep killing my babies!

We are very happy to have an answer/diagnosis! I finally feel hopeful after a very long time of feeling despondent. Since we know what is happening, we actually have a plan. This new clinic is full of helpful people, who are kind to me, call me by name (which is my nickname, but they got it right the first time), and didn't freak out when I had a mini mental last week and cried on the phone to all of them! So, here's praying that a plan ends with a happy, healthy, "bring home baby" (that term is thanks to my friend, Katharine, I like it!).

Special thanks to Andrea, Shandrea, and Nan for encouraging (pushing me when I couldn't do it myself) me to find a new RE!!

And again I say Hallelujah, and share this song with you!

P.S. If anyone is interested in the clinic that I'm going to and my RE, you are welcome to email me and ask, I'll answer any questions I can! (deni.troxclair@gmail.com)

100th post!!!!, visit with new RE, and a giveaway!

That's right, this is my 100th blogpost. I've been waiting to do it when I had some time. That could end up being never, so I decided that a visit with a new RE was good enough reason to write my 100th post!

The RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist, i.e. Fertility Specialist), was great, aside from having to wait for 50 mins, which made me very anxious, everything was wonderful. I could tell he had looked through my entire history, and really paid attention to what had and had not been done. He explained a lot of things about miscarriage and infertility, some things I knew and some were new to me! The way he did it was compassionate, and informative. He didn't give me that feeling of this place being a puppy mill, like my last RE's office did repeatedly!! There were some things that he felt were huge red flags that should have lead to previous testing, but we are going to be doing now. For all of you who are wondering and have asked, I will be having an HSG done, which not only tells if your tubes are open, but also gives information about your uterus and cervix. So, having been told previously that I didn't need this test because I have been pregnant twice and my tubes are obviously open, I now know that it looks for uterine abnormalities, which could include scar tissue, or oddly shaped uterus. So, I'm glad that is being done. I had a blood test run, will have another done, and hubby will have a blood test run. If you want to know more details, you can email me, at deni.troxclair@gmail.com. I'm a pretty open book, but I don't think all of my specific things should be put on a blog, and certainly not the things that concern more than just me! So, just be praying that our testing comes back and when it does that the doctor will be knowledgeable in how to handle anything that we may be thrown! I will say this, the clomid and metformin are out! He says I do NOT need those and should not be taking them. This is good news as they both have unwanted side effects!!

Next, I am doing giveaway in honor of my 100th post, but it's also a little selfish, in that I want some feedback from all of you! Two things that I need are the following: 1. if you follow this blog consistently and aren't registered as a follower, please do so, as it will help me when it comes to the book I'm trying to write. Having consistent followers does make you have more credibility than having fewer. 2. I want to hear your thoughts and feeling, specifically on the things that people have said or done that have hurt you the most, throughout your infertility or losses. These responses I would like to put in my book, but only with your permission, and I wouldn't mention your name unless you request that. (Some of my friends are already mentioned, and they will have to suck it up--(; as there's no real way around it!).

So, if you sign up as a follower, I'll enter you into a drawing to win something from Magnolia Creative (as she'll be in my book without prior authorization!).

And, if you leave a comment that tells something that you've experienced (or if you haven't been through this, something that someone else has complained has happened to them, or you've found yourself saying wrong), I'll enter you in a drawing for a piece of jewelry by MamaMiaTina. She is a baby lost mommy and does great jewelry that you can customize, so sign up and be entered!

While I'm plugging all of my creative friends (I'm blessed to have some real talent in my friend pool!), I wanted to direct you with kiddos to Kenzington Kollections. Sweet Rachel has some great things there and one of the cutest rainbow babies out there!!

So, happy Friday everyone, I'm off to a retreat with my youth girls having speaker, Keiah Ellis, join us!! Again, if you haven't read her book "Aftermath" go get it now!!!

***Update***
I have literally found myself in so many places reading your comments, from laughing out loud to the possible chapter title of "you can't make this kind of Bleep up", to crying for the things we've all had to endure, to exhausted for all that we've been through! I'm literally taking each of the emails I receive to notify me of a post and putting them in a folder in my email for book research! Thank you all so much and keep them coming!!