The flip of the coin...

Some of you who blog may now know who my friend is that lost her baby last week, if so please go send her love, if not you can email me and ask. It seems so unfair to me and it makes me pretty mad to be honest! We were very excited to be going through pregnancy together, as mommies who have lost babies, it's nice to have someone who understands the complexities of being pregnant after loss, and now for her it's all sadness and tragedy over again. It makes me mad that we don't get to share this and mad that she got pregnant only to lose another baby.

Being on this side has taught me some about those who have surrounded me in my losses and how hard it must have been for them in knowing how to reach me, how to help me, and how to be there for me. I must say that there were a few people who, without understanding or having been there were amazing friends and I hope you know that I will never forget that! Then there were others who didn't know how to handle it and so didn't do so well, or somewhat avoided me and the situation, and while it hurt me, I can see how that would be the case, more now than I could while I was neck deep in grief. It's hard for me as I want to be there for my friend constantly and yet I feel like I am a constant reminder to what she has lost (I must say, she hasn't made me feel this way, she is still being as happy for me as can be). I know things people said that bothered me and I make it a point not to say those things. I make it a point to say the things that helped me (which were few), but mostly just to let her vent and talk and say whatever she needs to, whenever she needs without judgment (I couldn't judge I've said/felt all of those things too). My point here being, it's strange to be on the flip side, and I'm very happy that I am, but so so so very sad for my friend as I know the deep chasm of pain she's feeling. This is her fourth loss, so I won't even pretend to know how profoundly this is affecting her, but I will try to be there.

This leads me to a final point that I feel should be addressed and I don't mean to offend anyone, but only to explain why this would be touchy. So many people say so many things that they intend to be helpful and that they mean very well by, but some of the things people say end up hurting way more than helping, my case in point for today is this comment (that most all moms who have miscarried more than once have heard)...

"I would gladly be a surrogate for you".

I know that this is meant in the best way possible and that in all actuality it would be one of the biggest sacrifices ever for someone to make for me or anyone else who can't carry a baby, but let me tell you what a newly BLM hears...

You can't carry a baby on your own. My body works better than yours. You are broken, I am not. I can do something that you can't do. I have no faith that you will ever accomplish what you are trying to hard to accomplish. I can make babies and you can't. I can do what God created us to do and you can't.

I know, I know, no one who offers that means any of the above statements AT ALL and when we are rational and not hurting so badly, we get that and every once in a while appreciate it, but the fact is, we never give up on hoping that our bodies won't fail us. Most of us have NEVER considered surrogacy, and probably wouldn't choose that route first and foremost. It is a kind gesture, but maybe say something like "I wish I could take this pain from you and prevent it from happening" because once we are rational and feeling semi-normal (we never are the same person again) we know that's what you really mean. So thank you so much for the kind offer, for caring enough to want to take the pain, and for being there for us, just know that offer actually hurts more than it helps (unless we approach you about doing something of the sort).