"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Sunday, February 27, 2011

The flip of the coin...

Some of you who blog may now know who my friend is that lost her baby last week, if so please go send her love, if not you can email me and ask. It seems so unfair to me and it makes me pretty mad to be honest! We were very excited to be going through pregnancy together, as mommies who have lost babies, it's nice to have someone who understands the complexities of being pregnant after loss, and now for her it's all sadness and tragedy over again. It makes me mad that we don't get to share this and mad that she got pregnant only to lose another baby.

Being on this side has taught me some about those who have surrounded me in my losses and how hard it must have been for them in knowing how to reach me, how to help me, and how to be there for me. I must say that there were a few people who, without understanding or having been there were amazing friends and I hope you know that I will never forget that! Then there were others who didn't know how to handle it and so didn't do so well, or somewhat avoided me and the situation, and while it hurt me, I can see how that would be the case, more now than I could while I was neck deep in grief. It's hard for me as I want to be there for my friend constantly and yet I feel like I am a constant reminder to what she has lost (I must say, she hasn't made me feel this way, she is still being as happy for me as can be). I know things people said that bothered me and I make it a point not to say those things. I make it a point to say the things that helped me (which were few), but mostly just to let her vent and talk and say whatever she needs to, whenever she needs without judgment (I couldn't judge I've said/felt all of those things too). My point here being, it's strange to be on the flip side, and I'm very happy that I am, but so so so very sad for my friend as I know the deep chasm of pain she's feeling. This is her fourth loss, so I won't even pretend to know how profoundly this is affecting her, but I will try to be there.

This leads me to a final point that I feel should be addressed and I don't mean to offend anyone, but only to explain why this would be touchy. So many people say so many things that they intend to be helpful and that they mean very well by, but some of the things people say end up hurting way more than helping, my case in point for today is this comment (that most all moms who have miscarried more than once have heard)...

"I would gladly be a surrogate for you".

I know that this is meant in the best way possible and that in all actuality it would be one of the biggest sacrifices ever for someone to make for me or anyone else who can't carry a baby, but let me tell you what a newly BLM hears...

You can't carry a baby on your own. My body works better than yours. You are broken, I am not. I can do something that you can't do. I have no faith that you will ever accomplish what you are trying to hard to accomplish. I can make babies and you can't. I can do what God created us to do and you can't.

I know, I know, no one who offers that means any of the above statements AT ALL and when we are rational and not hurting so badly, we get that and every once in a while appreciate it, but the fact is, we never give up on hoping that our bodies won't fail us. Most of us have NEVER considered surrogacy, and probably wouldn't choose that route first and foremost. It is a kind gesture, but maybe say something like "I wish I could take this pain from you and prevent it from happening" because once we are rational and feeling semi-normal (we never are the same person again) we know that's what you really mean. So thank you so much for the kind offer, for caring enough to want to take the pain, and for being there for us, just know that offer actually hurts more than it helps (unless we approach you about doing something of the sort).


  1. Well written honey...just keep giving her love and pass along a BIG HUG from me. I only wish that people would have just loved me through the storm instead of giving their warped sense of rationale and trying to "fix" me.

    I pray for Sweetest B and I hold her in my heart. Just keep being there for her, as that is what a real friend does....we weather storms and tie ROPES.

    Love you

  2. Love your post Deni !

    Sometimes real life is much more complicated than fiction .
    It takes wisdom to navigate some situations .
    I love what you have just written !

  3. I don't know why everyone always jumps straight to surrogacy! My friend did the same thing, and we hadn't even done IUI or IVF or anything with my OWN uterus. Just because I lost an ovary doesn't mean I couldn't carry a pregnancy...but most fertile women don't even really understand fertility and pregnancy and how it all works anyway. My friend said she would "get pregnant for us because as much as she HATED being pregnant, she could do it easily!". Yep, she and my other friend both got pregnant on the pill (one of the twice, the other with all three kids). Ridiculous. It is a painful thing to hear, yet at the same time very, very sweet of them because they know what pregnancy entails and are willing to do whatever it takes to help us become mothers (although I'm sure they probably think it's just the turkey baster method, lol. don't think they understand the whole embryo transfer part).
    Anyway, it can be hurtful. And they don't mean it that way, but it's just another reminder of how different we are for having suffered through infertility.

  4. Oh man, I am so sorry to hear about your friend. 2 of my best friends were pregnant at the same time I was and it was (and still is) so hard after my miscarriage. We had all talked about how fun it was to be pregnant together and how our kids would all be the same age...and how it was such a God thing to orchestrate it when I look at both of their babies it is just a reminder that my baby is not here...

    On a brighter note, preach on! WHY oh WHY do people jump to surrogacy?? I have been asked several times if we have considered surrogacy and I've been offered other wombs for surrogacy. While some people are being nice and others are just curious...why?? Surrogacy is not really the answer to all fertility/baby loss problems all. And you put it into absolutely perfect words about how that simple question feels to a BLM or infertile. I think at some point I will do a whole post on what not to say...and use your exact example as one of them. Not to be mean, but because people just don't think before they speak and I would like to educate others. :)

  5. I have all along thought back about the things people say out of ignorance and for the longest time carried guilt with me over something I said out of foolishness to a friend, when I was finally able to realize how it could have been taken she was kind enough to tell me she didn't even remember it. I still think so carefully now before I say anything in a situation of grief to another person--you should never give advice to someone who is hurting all they want to hear is that you are sorry they are hurting--nothing more. I also wanted to tell you that I have been feeling a little guilt too lately over the fact that I am FINALLY pregnant and so many are still struggling. I would not trade a minute of any of this or anything I went through but I can not even begin to imagine the hurt and sadness of your friend. I am adding her to the LONG list of friends that are struggling and hurting over fertility and also that you will be able to comfort her without feeling guilty about your little blessing---