Join The Movement...Don't Offer Things You Can't Give.

The title here might sound strange or angry or something negative, but it really isn't. I worry sometimes that people read this blog and think that I'm so negative and so focused on infertility that I don't enjoy my life, which simply isn't true. This just happens to be my "safe" place to discuss the things that infertility has taught me or is teaching me. Oftentimes subjects that come up are from a discussion I have had with another infertile friend or someone who is not, but it brings up an idea. I assure you I am very happy and enjoy my blessings daily, my Facebook, Instagram, and private blog are for that!! I always want this to be a safe place for infertiles to read!

So the subject that I wanted to touch on today is that of offering something that you really cannot give. I cannot tell you, because I did not keep track, how many people offered to be a surrogate for me. While I typically appreciated the somewhat selfless offer, I was also no where near the point of considering that, nor would I have any idea how to approach it. The thing about surrogacy that I've learned recently is that (at least in Louisiana) the egg donor, or biological mother has little to no rights. A surrogate could carry a baby that has no biological connection to her, aside from being baked in her belly (not making light of that its HUGE) and can decide to keep the baby because she has become "attached". This horrified me! Most people who offer to be surrogates have been pregnant before and did not mind the process (some people do not enjoy pregnancy, even ones who fought tooth and nail to be pregnant--I'm one of them), and therefore think they could do this as a gift to someone else. I like to believe that the world is full of wonderful selfless people and that this would never happen in real life. Lets be real people are people and we are all flawed, hence my husband and I being scammed by a crook who acted for six months as if she were going to give us a baby only to swindle money out of us (she had done it before and will probably do it again)! You just do not know how you would respond in such a situation if you nurtured and loved and cared for a baby for 9 months and then had to turn around and give him/her to someone else.

For me personally, having been through two miscarriages, I couldn't imagine if I had put my embryos in someone else and then she miscarried. The level of hurt and blame there is hard to comprehend.

Now before someone thinks I'm dogging surrogacy, please know that I'm not at all, what I am saying is please please please do not offer such a service to a friend who is fighting infertility unless you have honestly and thoroughly considered the full scale of what that means. While you may have just been making a polite gesture, they may be seriously considering needing a surrogate and to come back and request it of you and be denied is another type of pain that no one needs to endure.

What can you do then? What can you say? Say you care, say you do NOT understand (I promise we don't want you to understand), say you will listen even if you don't get it, say you are honestly praying for them, for guidance, for miracles, for peace. Feel free to tell us you don't get it, you don't want to, it makes you uncomfortable, but that you will go to a fun movie and laugh with us or a sad movie and cry with us. Let us take your kids to the park, the book store, the movies, something that lets us pretend for just one minute that we could be great parents! One of the most fun days I had was picking up my friend's daughter from daycare, taking her to the park, and to the book store. I got to spoil her, no I didn't tell people she was mine, but I got to enjoy the things they got to enjoy daily!

If you are honestly up to it (and it would take guts) say you will go to a support group meeting with them. Read infertility blogs so you can understand more. I've had a few sweet sweet friends contact me and say, I don't know what to do but my friend just lost a baby, can you give me some ideas? Or should I tell my infertile friend I'm pregnant and how? Just the idea that you cared enough to ask someone else would warm their hearts more than you know!

I could go on and on about what to do and what not to do, but I will stop here for today! I'm always willing to answer questions though, so post them in comments or email me!

National Infertility Awareness Week--speak up!

In honor of NIAW

That is National Infertility Awareness Week.

I have had some of these thoughts swirling around in my head for a while and thought, "what better time to post than now?"

A blog I follow had a wonderful post today and I wanted to send you there to read that as she is currently battling infertility and had a quite enlightened post so visit cgd here and read her post on IF myth (April 25th post).

She really nails a lot of the details of facts surrounding IVF.  She's somewhat of an expert at this point and drives home in an eloquent way, that IVF is in fact, not for everyone.

Here are some things that I feel about infertility:

1.  It is immensely lonely, that is why people who "meet" on the internet through IF circumstances feel instantly bonded, because so many people do NOT understand.
2.  People try so hard to say the right things and mostly end up hurting us worse.
3.  Just because something worked for your mom/sister/cousin/co-worker doesn't mean it will work for me, and I promise, you don't suddenly have a new idea that hasn't already been tried or crossed an IFers mind, so please refrain.
4.  Please don't ever use the phrase, "Why don't you just fill in the blank (adopt, relax, use a surrogate, do IVF)".  Just implies that we haven't tried hard enough, cared enough, put in enough effort, etc.  It is insulting.
5.  Don't compare what we're going through to something you went through that is unrelated or even related, but not the same.  (I read tons of blogs, and try to NEVER say, well when I had/did/etc. because it's painful and pointed, as if again we haven't done enough).
6.  If you haven't experienced infertility or loss, please don't give suggestions or advice, as we don't give them about things we have no experience with.

When we set out to adopt, we never dreamed that we would be swindled out of thousands of dollars and left heartbroken, deceived, and empty armed, that was not the experience anyone else had told us about.  When my friend's mom adopted 27 years ago, she never dreamed she's be dealing with her son's birth mother grieving his death as well, and feel obliged to comfort her through her own grief.  I know lots of beautiful adoption stories!  One of my pledge sisters is adopted (actually two) and they have had nothing but positive experiences, they are beautiful, happy, well-rounded individuals, who know that was God's plan for their lives.  My sweet friend, Amanda, adopted one of the cutest kids you'll ever see and so far it's been a fairytale (since paperwork was finished etc, up until then--nightmare).  Adoption is not an easy road.  I have a friend adopting right now, and the baby was born on Friday and she didn't find out until today--do you have any clue what that does to a mother?  (And please don't say she doesn't even know that baby yet, she's been preparing for months!).  Adoption is beautiful and wonderful and a blessing and it is absolutely the plan God has for some people, but it is NOT for everyone, so suggesting that to anyone who is struggling to have a baby is actually rude.

On another note, suggesting surrogacy is also not ok, yes, we've thought about it!  Yes, it worked for SJP and Nicole Kidman (did you see how the press attacked her?!!?).  Have any of you been watching Brothers and Sisters and seen what's going on there with the surrogate--and please don't tell me that's just tv, where do you think they got the idea?  That happened to someone--seriously, and while it may turn out all fine and blah blah blah, you have no idea how that being taken advantage of can damage your trust of humans, how it can rip your heart out.  I also ask if any of you knows the costs of surrogacy???  It starts--STARTS at $60K.  What?!?!  Very few people have that kind of disposable cash (hence the SJP's and NK's doing it, not your cousin or BFF).  Then there are so many other things to think about.  Can you use your eggs, his sperm, a donor, a friend, how will you tell your child/children when they get older?  None of these things cross your mind usually until the deed is done and then you have to worry about it later!

IVF--been there, done that and can tell you, that's no picnic either.  The drugs alone are $$$ and they hurt, and I'm no wuss with needles.  The stress of giving yourself shots daily at the right time can also send you into a tail spin of fear and panic, seriously, I was a nervous wreck the whole time, not to mention the time I actually left my meds at home when I went out of town--WRECK--as my hubby!!!  There is so much stress, so much pressure on you and your husband to do things right, to not forget anything, and for it to WORK.  It strains any relationship, and there is nothing romantic about having a catheter inserted in your privates to 'place' your embryos there.  Not to mention the things the hormones do to your body (and I wasn't on a high dosage), but they make you crazy!  And if you looked at the above mentioned article you know that success rates aren't always in some one's favor. Believe me we thank God daily that we were in the 'lucky' group, honestly, I've read so many things of people who were not that that will scare the begeezus out of you too!  I've also known of plenty of people to get pregnant and not take home a baby, so it's not a cure all.  This doesn't even scratch the surface of all the available fertility treatments or the questions and issues that arise from each one, ethical, moral, and monetary concerns that come up, but that would be a much longer post! :)

What about Foster Parenting?  I believe people who do that are Saints in most cases (I've heard of abuse and the like, but in general, they are amazing!).  I've worked with children in foster care doing speech therapy, and the things they endure with these children is mind boggling.  And just take this one scenario, you have a wonderful child come live with you, you nurture them, get them on a good track, they are healing emotionally, and you are in love---Then, they are returned to the home that made them hurt in the first place.  No thank you for me, I'm not saying it's not a good thing, again I think people who do this are Saints, I'm entirely too selfish.  Check out the post on www.rantsfrommommyland.com titled Domestic Enemies of Foster Parents.

Some other things that are good to know... It doesn't help when you say things like "Well, at least you can still go on trips when you want to", "Be glad you get to sleep 8 hours every night", "I'd kill for a completely quiet house", "You can have one of my kids" (seriously, would you give us one?  Because we'll honestly take one off of your hands if they put you out that much!), "At least you still have your body".  These things are shallow and void.  Most of us would give anything to carry a baby, or adopt a baby (without complications), or whatever it took.  We are actually jealous that you are having sleepless nights, feeling like crap while pregnant, or missing a tropical vacation to have a child look at you and tell you they love you!  There is no amount of discomfort we wouldn't endure to have a child depend on us, look at us adoringly, or run screaming through target from us!

So, to end this long rant of my own, please don't brush off infertility with a comment that can hurt someone.  It is emotionally damaging, it is isolating, and it is one of the hardest things a marriage can endure (if it does endure that is).  Sometimes people just need to talk about how they feel, what they miss, and how they wish things were different.  Give them that opportunity, or point them my way--I'm always open for a good chat! :)

The flip of the coin...

Some of you who blog may now know who my friend is that lost her baby last week, if so please go send her love, if not you can email me and ask. It seems so unfair to me and it makes me pretty mad to be honest! We were very excited to be going through pregnancy together, as mommies who have lost babies, it's nice to have someone who understands the complexities of being pregnant after loss, and now for her it's all sadness and tragedy over again. It makes me mad that we don't get to share this and mad that she got pregnant only to lose another baby.

Being on this side has taught me some about those who have surrounded me in my losses and how hard it must have been for them in knowing how to reach me, how to help me, and how to be there for me. I must say that there were a few people who, without understanding or having been there were amazing friends and I hope you know that I will never forget that! Then there were others who didn't know how to handle it and so didn't do so well, or somewhat avoided me and the situation, and while it hurt me, I can see how that would be the case, more now than I could while I was neck deep in grief. It's hard for me as I want to be there for my friend constantly and yet I feel like I am a constant reminder to what she has lost (I must say, she hasn't made me feel this way, she is still being as happy for me as can be). I know things people said that bothered me and I make it a point not to say those things. I make it a point to say the things that helped me (which were few), but mostly just to let her vent and talk and say whatever she needs to, whenever she needs without judgment (I couldn't judge I've said/felt all of those things too). My point here being, it's strange to be on the flip side, and I'm very happy that I am, but so so so very sad for my friend as I know the deep chasm of pain she's feeling. This is her fourth loss, so I won't even pretend to know how profoundly this is affecting her, but I will try to be there.

This leads me to a final point that I feel should be addressed and I don't mean to offend anyone, but only to explain why this would be touchy. So many people say so many things that they intend to be helpful and that they mean very well by, but some of the things people say end up hurting way more than helping, my case in point for today is this comment (that most all moms who have miscarried more than once have heard)...

"I would gladly be a surrogate for you".

I know that this is meant in the best way possible and that in all actuality it would be one of the biggest sacrifices ever for someone to make for me or anyone else who can't carry a baby, but let me tell you what a newly BLM hears...

You can't carry a baby on your own. My body works better than yours. You are broken, I am not. I can do something that you can't do. I have no faith that you will ever accomplish what you are trying to hard to accomplish. I can make babies and you can't. I can do what God created us to do and you can't.

I know, I know, no one who offers that means any of the above statements AT ALL and when we are rational and not hurting so badly, we get that and every once in a while appreciate it, but the fact is, we never give up on hoping that our bodies won't fail us. Most of us have NEVER considered surrogacy, and probably wouldn't choose that route first and foremost. It is a kind gesture, but maybe say something like "I wish I could take this pain from you and prevent it from happening" because once we are rational and feeling semi-normal (we never are the same person again) we know that's what you really mean. So thank you so much for the kind offer, for caring enough to want to take the pain, and for being there for us, just know that offer actually hurts more than it helps (unless we approach you about doing something of the sort).