Remembrance Day

On this day every year there is a "gathering" of BLMs who take time to remember those babies we've lost. Typically I participate, change my profile picture and post here. Today I did not. I didn't change my profile picture or light candles or do anything in remembrance. 

The thing is there's rarely a day that goes by that I don't think of the two tiny beings that I held in my womb for 9wks 3days and 8w5d. Somehow in each day those babies, MY babies cross my mind. It's strange because grief can dwindle and you begin to think you're fine, but grief never disappears, it just lurks and hides until one day it knocks you on your backside again. Typically, I don't even recognize it at first, it's like an encidious smoke that begins to fill the air until it chokes you out. That's how it feels. That's how I feel sometimes. The invasion that comes seems to happen less frequently now, but that's what almost makes it worse. When grief is an all-consuming constant you know it is there and you accept it's presence. Appearing to leave and then creeping back in so slyly, it catches you off-guard, unaware, and unprepared to cope. 

For anyone who has lost a child this cycle is an ugly dance you're forced to dance forever. I hate that anyone I love knows or understands it, but I'm grateful for the blessings that have risen from the ashes of my loss and the friendships that have occurred with people who truly understand this "dance". 

Happiness is not at all void in your life just because grief is present.  Happiness and joy cloak me daily. I choose them both constantly and can't help but embrace them daily in my rainbow. Thank goodness there is joy, laughter, and happiness after the storm! Thank God for rainbows! 

Still Sad

I think so many people believe that once you have a baby you are "over" your losses or infertility, or maybe they're just tired of hearing about it and wish you'd be over it. Regardless there are still days that I see a child close to 4 and wonder exactly what my first daughter wouldve looked like. Would she have been bald like me, or chunky with rolls? Would she have had the shy personality that Foxy had as a little kid (which I still have a hard time in visioning)? Or would my second child presumably a boy have had strawberry blonde hair like Foxy or big bug eyes like I did? Would they have been mischievous or sassy or timid or loud? There is no way to know and yet my heart can't help but wonder. Some days I still feel a strong pull to put on my necklace that symbolizes them. Obviously I wouldn't trade one child for the other and Sugar has brought about a kind of healing that couldn't be found without her. But I still wonder, when I hear of another's loss I am brought back to the exam room in 2008 where the doctor calmly and matter-of-factly said "I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat". There had been on only days before, this baby looked perfectly on target, how could that be? And my heart breaks for the pain someone new knows.

Then there is the looming infertility. I didn't get a quick fix and now all systems are go, I am still infertile. Getting pregnant still doesn't happen easily and if by the off chance it did happen, the likelihood is that it would end in miscarriage again. Currently we are stalled, waiting to try again while we sit in limbo awaiting the sale of a house (or two) because we can't afford the costly treatment to try again until then. That's something that many infertiles know, that money can prevent babies, yet there are plenty of unwanted unplanned and poorly cared for children being born daily. It's a sad sad situation and it breaks my heart at times. Today I'm feeling yucky, the stomach virus has besieged our house and that is making blue feelings even more blue.

I feel I always need to add a disclaimer that I am immensely happy and thrilled with my gorgeous, funny, happy, healthy daughter. She is the best thing going, but as too many people know joy and heartache can live simultaneously in one body.

Two things I loathe...

Cancer and miscarriage! Today one of my favorite blog friends is going in for a D&C, which they will forever list in her medical chart as an abortion, I know because my chart says the same thing. For someone who has spent years trying to have a baby to have to see "recurrent abortion" on your paperwork is the definition of cruel to me! This is her second physical loss and third actual loss when you include her adoption that fell apart. It seems unfair and we all know this life is unfair, it's not the way God intended it to be! He made us for joy and we released evil and it's been steady at work ever since! this friend lost her mother to cancer on this day years ago and now she will walk out of the hospital she left her first son in today without her third child.

Then a friend of mine's dad was diagnosed with lymphoma last week. I know this disease, it took my grandmother when I was too young to understand, but I remember it hitting her liver and her being severely jaundice. The thing is my friend's mom has been battling breast cancer and it's reoccurrence for years and years now. Both parents with cancer, really?!? That's not fair either, life isn't fair!

I was watching Guliana and Bill last night that I have on the DVR and she's had both infertility with miscarriage and now breast cancer. Unfair, and yes, I like them, I love the honesty with which they share their lives and think that for Hollywood types, they're pretty good people!!

I wish miscarriage and cancer were things we read about in history books! Seriously?!? Why are they still around?!?

Running, back to it

When I lost Layla in September of '08 I was broken.  My body was broken and it had failed me in a way that I never thought possible.  I wanted to punish it, but I also wanted to make it "work".  I had started running earlier that year, only 5Ks with my sister and Julie, and while I was happily pregnant they trained for a 10K.  I sat it out being careful (or enjoying my excuse to lay around a bit).  That didn't pay off.  After they did the 10K and I sat on the couch and cried all day, they informed me that they were going to run a half marathon in February.  "I'm in", was my response.

Let me preface all of this with the fact that I am no athlete and I mean that in the most severe way.  I have NEVER played a team sport, you heard me, never ever!  I do not like to sweat and I'm actually not competitive unless it involves the mind, where I am super competitive.  ***My sister got into gifted and talented in elementary school, I had my mom get me tested TWICE because I believed I was also GT, apparently I was wrong.  However, I did make a higher ACT score and have never let her forget it!***

So, for me to announce that while they had  been training for a couple of months I would just jump on their bandwagon and run too was almost ludicrous!  Still, I did it.  I was way slower than them and way more out of shape, but in February of 2009 I ran my first half marathon.  That year I ran 4 total and the next year I ran two.   My time actually never got better, but I kept going anyway.

Today a sweet runner friend of mine messaged me about running and how her mind goes all kinds of places and how she wants to journal that.  I think she should, but obviously, I think she should blog.  She is adorable and tiny and fast!  Her husband is super fast and coaches her.  She has been extraordinarily encouraging to me since getting back to running and in discussing this today I remembered why I started running in the first place and why I'm back out there pounding the pavement.  Today I ran 10 miles.  I did it in a record time for myself, like almost 2 mins off my average mile time.  It was liberating.  I felt free.  I felt unburdened and I felt like I had accomplished something.

Running for me is an open space to let my mind wander, to let me challenge myself.  To tell myself "I CAN" when everything in me is screaming "YOU CAN'T".  I can.  I am.  And I continue to run.  When I start my head is always full and scrambling everywhere.  When I am finished there are not always solutions to issues, but everything feels lighter (except maybe my legs, which sometimes feel like lead).

I say all of this to say, if you think you can't run--you can.  If you think you have to be athletic or have experience, you don't.  If you want to run, just start!  I had a sweet friend in a bible study once say she did it like this, "one driveway at a time".  She'd run to one driveway then try to run to the next and driveways became blocks, blocks became meters, meters became miles.

My friend and I discussed today that we often tear up when running, we think of why we run, or something we've overcome and emotion just comes out.  When I crossed the finish line of my first half marathon I bawled, because I hurt, because I was slow, because I finished something that I never thought I could.  Last week I teared up because I hit 8 miles in less time than I had planned and then I finished 9 miles 1 minute and 14 seconds faster than my goal.  That's huge for me, for any runner.  One day last week I teared up because I was running with a stroller and I started running because my womb was broken and empty.

I love this quote... Don't ask me why I run, ask yourself why you don't.  I run to feel free, to feel in control, to know I am doing something good for myself, mind, body, and spirit. Run on!

This is not me, I wish!  Thank you google for the image!

Husbands and IF or Baby Loss

So, I have thought about this a lot, and while my husband is no saint, he sure has been great throughout our losses and infertility.  I've often wondered how deeply it affects him and know that he lets me know in subtle ways.  He has his own fears and phobias and I know that while he doesn't remember exact dates like I do (what man does?) our experiences have touched him deeply.  He's certainly not one for mushy gushy stuff and oftentimes if I mention anything he changes the subject or simply responds with an "I don't know what to say".  He doesn't get as irate as I do about people saying or doing stupid things, but he gets his own degree of frustrated with people.

Sometimes I think that he never thinks about it like I do, but then he'll make a comment, or have a reaction and I know that it's on his mind sometimes too.  Certainly the feelings aren't the same for men, they don't carry the children, and so they don't feel so much of the failure aspect that we as mothers do, but he's expressed his concerns before as to it "having something to do with me".  So, again without massive conversations I know he worries too.  He worries about all kinds of things, currently it is the lack of middle back seat to put a car seat in (which I'm not nearly so anxious about--funny huh?!!?).

I have to say that I know that infertility and loss reek havoc on a marriage oftentimes, and I know that I am blessed that it didn't tear us apart, but actually strengthened us as a couple.  We've learned to talk more, we've learned how to grieve and how to let one another grieve differently, which can be very hard.  My husband is my best friend, he's a constant support, he is there for me in all aspects of my life and encourages me in anything that I want to do or don't want to do.  I'm very blessed, very very blessed and I know it.

If your marriage has suffered from infertility and loss, please know that I send you so much love and support and prayers to make it through this hard time.  I'm certainly not trying to rub it in either that my experience hasn't been detrimental to my marriage, it has been tested for sure, but at this point it is thriving and I pray the same for all couples who endure this trial.

Feel free to leave any thoughts on the subject as I know so many people have so many different experiences and advice if you have any for people going through these things.  My advice is to communicate, communicate, communicate, even when you want to crawl in a hole and never come out! It's way harder to communicate than to shut down, but more effective to talk it out, even if that means a screaming session or two, or needing to see a counselor, or seeking guidance from a pastor or trusted friend or family member.

INTERESTING...

***  If you dvr House and haven't seen Monday's episode, don't read this, come back afterwards b/c it's pertinent to my BLM friends ***

So, House this Monday was watched last night in my house.  I LOVE this show!!  I spend the first 15-20 minutes pestering Foxy..."Do you know what it is???",  "What does that mean",  "That could NOT happen", "Have you figured it out yet??".  It drives him crazy, but I think he thinks it's funny too mainly because I know he's smart enough to figure out lots of the things and that fascinates me!

Well, this week was one of the best episodes lately, for many reasons, the first being it was very twisty turny, which I LOVE!  The second reason is because it delves into the topic of MISCARRIAGE, the oh so taboo topic, that people love to avoid.  I don't want to ruin the whole episode, but you totally think that it is going one direction, and then BAM!  It goes somewhere completely different!  Basically there is a woman on this one who has had THREE miscarriages and basically loses her mind.  I cried, and I felt her pain like I just can't describe, you could see the pain in her eyes and feel just how broken her heart is.  She doesn't just 'snap' and lose it completely in an instant, but it is a gradual thing that her husband describes and it's intriguing.  While I don't know anyone who has responded in exactly the way that this character did, it was such a true depiction of how deeply loss affects your heart, how irrational it makes you feel, and how you can just spiral out of control without good support.

I enjoyed it so very much and wish it weren't just a one episode topic, but alas, that will probably be where they leave it and I encourage everyone to watch it.  If you're not a regular House fanatic (like myself) then you may be a little thrown by some of the storyline, but it really all has been building for a while.  I also loved that the doctor, Masters, as she's referred to spends so much time trying to delve deeper into what is truly going on with this woman rather than just blowing her off as crazy!  We need more doctors like that, more who are exceedingly compassionate, more who look beyond the surface info that we are willing to tell and try to find those things we're actually working to hide!!

Bravo House for tackling a hard topic in a way that I appreciated!

The flip of the coin...

Some of you who blog may now know who my friend is that lost her baby last week, if so please go send her love, if not you can email me and ask. It seems so unfair to me and it makes me pretty mad to be honest! We were very excited to be going through pregnancy together, as mommies who have lost babies, it's nice to have someone who understands the complexities of being pregnant after loss, and now for her it's all sadness and tragedy over again. It makes me mad that we don't get to share this and mad that she got pregnant only to lose another baby.

Being on this side has taught me some about those who have surrounded me in my losses and how hard it must have been for them in knowing how to reach me, how to help me, and how to be there for me. I must say that there were a few people who, without understanding or having been there were amazing friends and I hope you know that I will never forget that! Then there were others who didn't know how to handle it and so didn't do so well, or somewhat avoided me and the situation, and while it hurt me, I can see how that would be the case, more now than I could while I was neck deep in grief. It's hard for me as I want to be there for my friend constantly and yet I feel like I am a constant reminder to what she has lost (I must say, she hasn't made me feel this way, she is still being as happy for me as can be). I know things people said that bothered me and I make it a point not to say those things. I make it a point to say the things that helped me (which were few), but mostly just to let her vent and talk and say whatever she needs to, whenever she needs without judgment (I couldn't judge I've said/felt all of those things too). My point here being, it's strange to be on the flip side, and I'm very happy that I am, but so so so very sad for my friend as I know the deep chasm of pain she's feeling. This is her fourth loss, so I won't even pretend to know how profoundly this is affecting her, but I will try to be there.

This leads me to a final point that I feel should be addressed and I don't mean to offend anyone, but only to explain why this would be touchy. So many people say so many things that they intend to be helpful and that they mean very well by, but some of the things people say end up hurting way more than helping, my case in point for today is this comment (that most all moms who have miscarried more than once have heard)...

"I would gladly be a surrogate for you".

I know that this is meant in the best way possible and that in all actuality it would be one of the biggest sacrifices ever for someone to make for me or anyone else who can't carry a baby, but let me tell you what a newly BLM hears...

You can't carry a baby on your own. My body works better than yours. You are broken, I am not. I can do something that you can't do. I have no faith that you will ever accomplish what you are trying to hard to accomplish. I can make babies and you can't. I can do what God created us to do and you can't.

I know, I know, no one who offers that means any of the above statements AT ALL and when we are rational and not hurting so badly, we get that and every once in a while appreciate it, but the fact is, we never give up on hoping that our bodies won't fail us. Most of us have NEVER considered surrogacy, and probably wouldn't choose that route first and foremost. It is a kind gesture, but maybe say something like "I wish I could take this pain from you and prevent it from happening" because once we are rational and feeling semi-normal (we never are the same person again) we know that's what you really mean. So thank you so much for the kind offer, for caring enough to want to take the pain, and for being there for us, just know that offer actually hurts more than it helps (unless we approach you about doing something of the sort).

Baby Baker Update and a share

I just wanted to let any of you who were praying for that sweet baby Baker know that they now have a caring bridge site to keep people informed about his progress! That sweet boy is making progress and doing better each day, but days are hard for all of them. Please go give Drew, Abby, and Baker some love there...

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/bakertroxler/

Also, my kindred spirit, Andrea, had a great post today about infertility and I wanted to link it as well, so that you could check it out. Apparently the Today show had a segment about infertility today and it was very good and honest. For me (and most people who struggle with it) being pregnant doesn't make that infertility struggle go away, as a matter of fact, it's very apparent each day. We will most likely never go on to have any children 'the old fashioned way', which is still hard to accept, though probably better for us, since the pressure was ruining everything! Still those who have suffered from infertility, don't forget it, we don't just get pregnant and forget all that we've been through, it doesn't work like that!

Also, please continue to pray for my friend who had the d&c today. She is doing as well as she can be given the circumstances, but my heart breaks for her as I know she is feeling sad and not knowing where to go next! Pray for her family, especially hubby too, as they are very sad and heartbroken too!

I have other posts in my head on similar topics, but sometimes they are hard to write, so stay tuned!!

A Good Book

So, a couple of weeks ago I read a book that I wanted to share with all the BLMs, then I decided that I would share it across the board, as it deals with loss. For those of you who are interested in how people deal with loss and infertility, this book gives a good insight I think. I tells something of how people feel in these situations, perhaps better than I do on this blog. Or maybe it's just that it being in a book makes me feel more validated because obviously someone else has felt these things, and needed to write about them! I hope you enjoy this book, as much as I did!

My precious friend, Jennifer, at Blue Sparrow wrote tonight about a new movie coming out called Rabbit Hole staring Nicole Kidman (who I think is genius b/c she dumped that weirdo Tom and married hottie crooner, Keith Urban, who I adore!!). It deals with loss. My computer illiterate self cannot figure out how to put videos on here yet, so go to her blog and check it out. If you're at work, probably wait until you get home! I'll be going and I'm hoping to drag my dear friend, Britt, with me!

My Blog

I've written a few blog entries the past two days and haven't been able to post them, as they seem too sad or negative. Here's the thing though, this is my blog and I am SAD! Nothing I say is meant to hurt or upset anyone else and I really am not looking for any sympathy or uplifting "God's in control" responses. The thing is this: I know God is in control. I also know that my pain hurts Him, and that He knows the waves and the seasons of grief. Grief is not something you can control and make bow to your whims, or show up only when it's convenient. Grief sucks the life out of you, while you watch from the sidelines wishing you could stop it.

I'm sad because there is supposed to be a 2 month old baby in my house, crying, pooping, sleeping, and pretty much consuming all of my time. Currently all that I can here is my dogs wrestling and the tap of my own fingers on the keyboard of my computer. I'm sad because a truly evil, heinous person stole six months of my life. She preyed on my pain, manipulated my heart, and left me with nothing but anger. Had we not been pursuing the adoption with her, we would've been looking for another birth mother, researching agencies, seeing an RE before 13 days ago. We've wasted so much time on something so painful. I have an empty completely ready nursery and the only consolation that I have is knowing that bitch is behind bars. At least she's not cuddling the sweet baby, who is now without a mother! My intention is to do everything in my power to make sure that she remains behind bars, so that she never has the opportunity to do this to another family (especially since we are the second family she's done this to). P.S. I hope her mother rots in hell too!

Every day it seems I hear of yet another person who is pregnant or giving birth to a healthy happy baby or two, and it doesn't get easier. It actually gets harder. Most of the time I'm very happy for these people, but again saddened for myself. This dream of parenthood continues to happen for other people over and over again so easily, while I sit empty armed in a silent house. No one did this to me and it's not any one's fault, but it sucks to have people not even want to tell you that they are pregnant because they know it's going to hurt you. It sucks to feel like a bad person all of the time. It sucks to be jealous. It sucks to want to have good excuses to skip baby showers. It sucks to not want to hold or see new babies. It sucks to look at how old all of your friends' children are an imagine where yours would be. It sucks to want to celebrate with other people, but not have the physical or emotional strength to do so. This whole thing of loss and infertility sucks, every which way and backwards it sucks. Sometimes you wish you could stay in that oblivious state where you weren't aware of certain things, like how crappy certain friends are (or the fact that they aren't really friends at all), or how scary pregnancy is (as my BLM friends who are pg again can't function for fear of another loss), or how much you don't even want to be around yourself some days (I can only imagine how others feel about me, lucky for most I live in another state now).

Then the RE's office informs me today that the blood test that I need to have done can't be done on a Friday. Thank you for that announcement after I've already scheduled my HSG for Friday, as I need to be in Dallas on Saturday anyway. So, now I have to reschedule it all, and it's just frustrating. Had I gotten in to see the MD at my scheduled time (not 50 mins later) I might have been able to have blood drawn for this test that day, and not rearrange my entire schedule. And before anyone tells me about how it will all be worth it, please save your breathe, if I hear that one more flipping time, I might lose my mind! Seriously, I'm well aware that I will do whatever it takes to have a baby of my own, but unless you've dealt with the numerous sticks, pokes, prods, reschedules, new schedules, tests, driving, waiting, hurrying, waiting, hurrying, waiting, getting excited, being devastated, trying to hold it together day in and day out, please don't say any of that cliche' crap that you think will be helpful. It's not! Seriously, not helpful at all!

I debated not writing such a downer post, but this is me. These feelings are real, they hurt, and if you don't want to read them, you certainly don't have to. My intention is not to hurt anyone else's feelings, or to make anyone uncomfortable. This blog is to help me heal, to maybe give a little insight to those who are living with a baby lost mom or infertile, and to have something to look back on and see how far we've come.

While being so frustrated and sad today I came across this blog entry and wanted to share it, as it is completely true, and I do continue to praise the One who took my is always constant!

***And yes, I know this will pass and in a day or two I'll feel much better. You can look for a peppier post soon!****

Update: a nice little run in the rain will help too! Wish I could breathe better, but still good for the soul!!!

Another BLM

A sweet friend of mine is experiencing her second loss today. She has an adorable little boy, but lost twins prior to his birth, and has had a long hard road to having children. This breaks my heart. She and her husband are good, stable, God-loving people who have so much to offer a child. It is so unfair that they are the ones experiencing this loss, not the maybe 16 year old girl that I saw at a gas station today, with her boyfriend who could only put $1 worth of gas in their car, who looked to be about 5-6 months pregnant. Seriously?!?!? These two clearly had no business having a baby, yet there she is with a healthy pregnancy and my sweet friend is losing a baby. It is frustrating and I know I shouldn't be judging and I shouldn't worry about what other people have, etc, etc.

This leads me to a conversation that my friend, Keiah (She wrote "Aftermath" the book I was raving about--google it!) and I had today. We were talking about waiting and about being jealous not of the husband or child that others had, but that they were living the life we wanted, being jealous of their situation, and how we really had to focus on Him and not on everyone else and what they have. That fit right in with a great post from my other dear friend, Shandrea, check it out here. What I have to say after a day like today is that I really am blessed with great friends who have huge hearts for God and I am so grateful for them and their accountability!

So, please say some prayers for my friend, GG, and her sweet hubby, B, and son, N! They are hurting so badly, a second loss does something different to your mind than just one, but praying that they will have peace, and healing!

This is post # 99!!! Awesome, number 100 will come soon!

Glorious Monday

Funny title considering the dark spot I seemed to be in last night, but it's true! I've been trying really hard lately to find a support group for people who've experienced miscarriage and infertility. I tried to do this over and over in Shreveport to no avail. I left messages, was supposed to get called back, never heard anything. It only added to my overall frustration with the situation.

Then when we moved here, my husband's boss said that he found a support group for me, but then lost the info and couldn't find it again. So, I've been trying to remind hubby and him over and over so that I could find a place where people would 'get me' like all my blogger friends do. Well low and behold, Andrea, who I refer to as my kindred spirit (we 'met' on a miscarriage forum) introduced us all to a new blogger this past week, but me being busy and wrapped up in myself for a few days, I decided to wait until I really had time. I hate to leave meaningless trite comments on people's blogs! So, I finally did go 'meet' Britt. Turns out we live in the same town AND she directed me to a support group that meets the third Tuesday of every month (which happens to be tomorrow) AND she said she'd meet me beforehand so I didn't have to go alone! How cool is that!?!!?

So, it is a glorious Monday indeed! Thank you God, for always knowing what is best for me and blessing me so greatly!!

April 15th

This day for most people is tax day, and will always be tax day. April 15th for me is and always will be Layla's due date. I didn't think that this year it would affect me nearly as badly as it did last year, and though not as badly, it was still quite painful. It's painful because you are generally the only one who remembers. Sean had not a clue and couldn't figure out why I was so blue, and I didn't divulge any info, as sometimes I just can't get the words out AGAIN!!!!

Infertility and miscarriage are words that are part of my personal definition. They are painful, unwanted, and soul-crushing. To be infertile means that you as a woman are unable to do the thing that you, as a woman, were born to do. With this crushing blow to one's self-esteem comes unfathomable grief. This grief doesn't end, not that grief ever ends when you lose someone, but that is final, the person is gone, and you don't expect them to return. While with infertility, there is always a glimmer of hope lingering in the background, that maybe, just maybe, whatever was 'wrong' will correct and you will finally be able to do that one thing your body was meant to do. One blogger had her husband guest-post recently, and he said "Grief is the second most traumatic experience you can go through." It is true there are so many things that infertility touches, from your privacy, to your routines, to your friendships, your marriage, your self esteem, your view of your place in the world, your faith, your sleep, your social interactions, your work, your emotions,your dreams, your self worth, and it list goes on and on and on and on... For most people who have dealt with true infertility, the feeling never fully escapes you, it never leaves you completely, you are never free from that stigma, and the pain is never erased. Even if children to come, and you "overcome" infertility, it continues to affect you, as a friend of mine shows all the time, when she feels the injustice of people who don't want children continuing to have them. Another friend has since adopted and wouldn't trade her daughter for a single thing in the world, even a biological child, but couldn't stay at a baby shower last year. Infertility does not come and go, it isn't an easy fix and it has psychological ramifications that are far beyond what those who don't experience it will ever dream to understand.

I will say that I am so eternally grateful to my fellow blogger friends who've suffered through infertility and loss, for without you I wouldn't continue to put one foot in front of the other each day, you are my gifts from God. For my friends who do not understand it, have not experienced it, yet have the grace and nerve to ask me about it, and then TRULY listen, I am very grateful for you as well, and I hope I've told you that.

Today I miss Layla, I miss the innocense that I had in that first pregnancy before I saw a baby with no heartbeat completely still on that screen that day in September 2008. Thank you Nan for remembering my day with me and for honoring Layla with your sweet gift, I'm so grateful we both love butterflies like we do!!! The photo above is a candle that Nan sent me for Layla's EDD, so I lit it and sang 'happy birthday' to my girl.

Emotions

I think that emotions are a bummer. Mainly because the yucky ones sneak up without cause. I shouldn't be having a rough day today, but I am. It's just been a funky Tuesday.

Today I miss my babies. Some days I'm ok, and though I always think about it, some days are better than others, this is an other day!! People are pregnant everywhere, you never notice how much until it's not you and you desperatly want it to be you! It's just a hard place to be.

I feel like a lot of the joy with my adoption has been taken secondary to the stressful situations we've faced, the possibility of it not happening (for a few weeks there), and the concern over whether or not it will happen in the end. All of these things are so beyond my control that I must daily surrender them to God and know that He will provide. Sometimes I just wonder when and if He will provide a baby for me and Sean. I pray so, I pray that this adoption works out for us.

Today I'd like to say a huge thank you to my girls, specifically the other four of the fab 5 that are traveling this road with me. Without the love of Andrea, Nan, Shandrea, and Angie, I'm sure this road would have been infinitely harder. I am grateful each and every day that God gave me these sweet friends to walk this road with hand and hand! I wanted to share the necklace that I got from Andrea and Nan that is so very special to me. It has my babies' names on it and their birthstones! Thank you girls for this, it means the world to me!

Lonely

That word seems to penetrate the world of people with fertility issues. We all blog and we share and we comfort each other, but this road is lonely! Each person experiences this differently and though we share experiences, no two cases are exactly the same! In talking to my great friend C that I've been friends with for years now, who is starting the IVF journey, she said it, she feels so lonely!! We talk a lot about how we feel and we share experiences, but it is still lonely! Infertility is lonely. It's so lonely that I hate to write the word even!

Everyone's road is different and I respect them all. One may not be right for me that is right for you, and my journey into adoption may not be right for other people. Adoption is in itself different for everyone. For us, we are super-blessed, very greatful to have found a great birthmother who is sweet, funny, smart, and organized. Those are traits that I think fit well with our family and we are greatful!

I want to share that this journey itself is a lonely one as well. The ins and outs of adoption are so complicated, and you have to travel that road and figure it out as you go. I wish I could tell you that it's simple and cut and dry but it's not. It's lonely to not know how to handle each situation and to have to figure it out. I want to emphasize that it is hard for me, for Sean, for Baby Mama, for our birthfather, for my family and friends, for Baby Mamas family and friends. In our situation it's hard to watch her go through this and hard for us to go through it as well. We are thrilled to be adopting Cala, we know she's meant to be in our family, but I don't want to mislead anyone into thinking this is super easy.

Every step of this infertility is hard and each part of the process has to be navigated, some parts are easier than others, but they all must be taken to reach our baby dreams!

So, here's to those lonely steps that bring us to our babies and to knowing that ultimately, regardless of how lonely we've felt, God never leaves us alone.

Loss

This post is possibly going to make no sense, but I have to just start writing...

I lost two babies. They are in heaven with all of the other angel babies and I hope that they are having fun up there, but I sure wish they were here having fun! I got two of the sweetest Valentine's gifts today. The first was unexpected, in that upon returning home from being in Shreveport (yes, I did just say that, this is my home for now) I found a huge bouquet of pink roses and astralomeria (I probably butchered the spelling of that) with no baby's breath (as I strongly dislike babies breath), and two gifts from my hubby. This is not all that like him, he's not good at surprises and he thinks that Valentine's Day is stupid (I tend to agree with him and have had some awful past Valentine's Days), so it was a great sweet surprise.

The second was even more unexpected, I was catching up on my blog reading, checking in on my ladies, and came to Jennifer's blog http://jenn625.blogspot.com/2010/02/blog-post_5863.html and she had one of the best gifts ever there...She did baby names on candy for all of our babies, and included was sweet Layla and Michael's names. I cried and cried, tears of joy, and also some tears of pain. It doesn't go away, that loss, even with our upcoming adoption, and knowing that baby Cala is meant for our family, that doesn't take away what we lost. Cala won't replace Layla, no child replaces another. And though some people don't understand this as I never 'met' Layla or Michael, I know it. It changes your heart. My heart is different as it has two tiny pieces missing, pieces that can't be replaced.

My heart misses my babies. My heart wonders if it will ever get the opportunity to make other babies like them. My heart is already full for Cala and anxiouslyl awaiting her arrival. But my heart misses Layla and Michael. So, thank you Jennifer for honoring my babies and all of our babies! I'm very blessed by the friends I have, the ones I already had, the ones who've proven their steadfastness through this journey, and the new ones I've made on this sad journey!

Thank you all!!

I've received so much love since I've been blogging, from so many people, and I just wanted to send out a huge THANK YOU! Y'alls love and support bless me and Sean more than you could ever know. I got the sweetest random email today from a guy, who is quite possibly the funniest person alive, but it was sweet and makes me smile ear to ear. I've gotten so much love and support from our family and friends and we are blessed to be surrounded by such strength, such grace, and such faith!

Then there is the blogging community and I just wanted to share a couple of blogs that I really love and you might want to check out...

First is Andrea, who seems to always write what I'm feeling http://persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com

Second is Shandrea, who has been aptly nicknamed Amazing Grace, upon losing 2 children 18 weeks into her pregnancies, she continues to stand firm on the rock that is God! http://lovingmyangels.blogspot.com

Third, is a new one that I came across and reading her words seems like I'm reading my own thoughts on so many things, she is a doll. I especially like her entry on adoption, it just gives a report of how lots of infertile people feel when you say things that you think help, but they really don't! http://baby-on-mind.blogspot.com
Know that all of our opinions are not exactly the same, but we have a mutual respect for how the other feels.

This road is so individual, and has to be traveled in the way that your heart (in my opinion God) leads you, and they are all different, what is right for one couple may not be right for another. And just because something isn't right today, doesn't mean it won't be in the future! It's rocky and hard, but I have been blessed in soooo many ways while walking this road, and I'm again greatful mostly for all of the ways I've felt love throughout this. God does work in mysterious ways, and I'm learning to sit back and let Him to His thing!!

A BLESSED 2010

I feel very blessed to be able to say that I am HOPEFUL. I BELIEVE that things are going to work out eventually for me to be a mother and I know that God is in control. For quite a while I had been in a serious funk, as those around me could surely sense. It was something that I couldn't get out of, something that I felt was controlling me, that I hated, but couldn't shake. Sometimes it just seems like life is kicking you while you're down.

It's hard to overcome loss, and there's not a single day that I don't think about my babies. The passing of my EDD, and that time leading up to it were extremely painful, as I could only see my world from what was missing. I know that was part of my grief, and I needed to go through it, but that approaching with no pregnancy on the horizon, multiple birth announcements, and everyone enjoying their children during the holidays was just overwhelming, for me and many other babylost moms.

But I have to say that with the dawning of a new year I've regained my footing and have a better hold on life. I'm more positive, I'm excited about things, I'm smiling more, and I think my husband will tell you that my fog has lifted. I know some of that has come from my church here and friends that I've made through helping with the girls youth ministry (many of you know how near and dear this is to my heart). Getting to meet new girls, interact with them, and the hopefulness of this new ministry all excite me like nothing else can (I think that's a God thing, what do you think??). Then there's my upcoming half marathon (which is NOLA again, so one full year of 1/2 marathoning) those always get me hyped up as they approach. Then there is the possibility of experiencing Mardi Gras in New Orleans for the first time with my sister this year (no, I've never been, I'm chicken and claustrophobic). Sean and I seem to be handling our finances and his weird schedule better, we are making friends in Tyler, and we're enjoying each other (which is typical because I think he's hilarious and so does he!!).

And this weekend I met with a potential birthmother. This was a nerve-racking situation as you just don't know what the person will be like, or what she'll think of you, or if it will be painfully awkward. I'm happy to announce that it was a wonderful meeting with a super cute girl, who is quite engaging and we ended up talking for three and a half hours, yes, 3.5 hours! So, I'm trying not to get myself all worked up and too excited prematurely, but regardless of the outcome, it was a very positive experience and something I'm very glad that I did! This Friday Sean and I will meet with her again together, so continue to keep ALL of us in your prayers, me, Sean, the potential birthmother, the baby, their family, and our families!

My home church in Shreveport has been super involved in helping with the Haiti relief effort, and I'm proud to say that I was/am a part of such a giving, generous, beautiful, thoughtful, strong group of people. The miraculous things that God is doing in and through them touches my heart profoundly. If you want to know more about them and what they are doing check this out...

www.citelespwa.blogspot.com

Then of course, last but not least, THE SAINTS ARE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!!! I'm thinking 2010 is shaping up to be one blessed year and I'm super excited about all of the ways that God is showing off right now.

For any of you who are in the adoption process, tell me about your birthmother experiences. For those of you interested in helping Haiti, please check out the above blog and think about getting a tent city started in your area!!

Happy 2010 friends!!

Estimated Due Date

Today in New Year's Eve, but for me it's also my estimated due date with Michael, my second angel in heaven. It's a weird day. I'm sad, I'm disappointed, and I'm lonely despite being around so many great people. But I'm not as devastated as I was say 2 weeks ago. I think I'm just in a different stage of grief today. I'm working on moving forward, not looking back, and trying not to focus on what could have been. It doesn't help that AF showed a couple of days ago too. I was under no false hopes that this could be the month, as we really didn't try and I'm pretty sure the right time was when I was gone doing my last half marathon. Some people would've cancelled that to try, and I understand that, but for me, that accomplishment helps me to move forward, knowing that my body can accomplish somethings, even if not bringing a baby safely into this world. It's amazing to think that I could've been holding a new born right now, and there sneak in the 'what ifs' again!! Just too easily! I want to say a special thank you to those people who remembered this day with me. It means more than I can put into words that someone would keep this date in mind and think of me and my angel, so thank especially to Julie, Jean, Emily (smiley Emily from grad school), Nan, Andrea, Angie, and Shandrea. You made a difficult day just a little easier!

We continue to look forward to adoption. I am completely at peace with this decision and know that God has a plan for us and the growing of our family. Though the process can be daunting and overwhelming! I'm currently feeling really overwhelmed, but know again that God is in control, so I'm trying to let Him have the control (yeah, right, my OCD is in full effect right now!!). I ask for prayers as we continue toward this goal of adoption, prayers for peace, prayers for a birthmother who will be so generous to let us love and raise her child in our home, prayers for a baby to be happy in our home, prayers for all of the little steps and pieces to fall into place. I know that God is in control and I know that hearing the cries of many of His children on our behalf can only help! Thank you all for your love, support, and most of all your prayers!!

Deni

Grief

Grief is a tricky little sucker! It sneaks up on you when you are least expecting it. I am grief stricken. My second baby was due to be born on New Year's Eve this year (before the due date was pushed back secondary to poor development), and that impending date is wearing on me horribly. To one who has never experienced such loss, you could never know what it is to live each day plagued by what is not. I'm generally a very positive, upbeat person, but this grief binds me. It tears at my soul when I least expect it. Take today for instance, I went to church here in Tyler, and it was a beautiful sermon, I felt tailor made for me! Dr. Robbins discussed the miracle of Mary being pregnant with baby Jesus, but he also talked about the miracles of Sarah and Elizabeth who were barren for so long that they had no hopes of having children, yet became pregnant very late in life (way later than we'll ever see!!). It was a sermon full of hope for me, full of the promises that God fulfills. He also told about a person in one of his previous churches who struggled so long with infertility and almost gave up, but after many years did become pregnant and had a sweet healthy baby. HOPE, again I hear that message, and I cling to it, but in the same foul swoop, in comes grief and it overwhelms me. It pulls me down so far that I'm certain that I'm drowning, and my biggest fear in life is drowning (it's very irrational). So, in visiting some of my other babylost mom's blogs I came across this video that shares just a little more of the pain we feel, in a very beautiful way...

www.tearsandhope.com then click on the video link "Empty Arms"

I've found that though Christmas time is my favorite time of the year, I'm very apathetic about it all. I have to force myself to wrap gifts, and the outside lights aren't up because I just didn't have the fight in me to get them there. I told my husband that it continues to be a daily struggle to put one foot in front of the other, and that I'd appreciate a little support for how well I am doing!

Broken hearts abound during this season, some of us do well, while others breakdown. My sweet friend Andrea at http://persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com/ did an outreach project and collect clothes for the homeless in her son's name, what a pillar of strength and HOPE!

There is pain in my heart, but there is also HOPE as a baby was born to take away the sins of man, born to carry our shame and pain, born to save a wretch like me, and I know there is HOPE in my savior! God will not give me more than I can bear (how I wish He didn't have such faith in me!!).