Something I must repeat

to myself over and over again. 2 Timothy 1:7 "But the Lord did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." I do find myself afraid of many things. I think once you've lost a baby, you live in a state of fear. When you've not been pregnant in 16 months, you are again filled with fear. Will I ever be pregnant again? Will I end up with children? I know, I know, yes, I will, of course, some how, some way. At what cost? People who don't suffer losses and infertility don't understand the things that go along with fertility treatment both physically and mentally, and at times spiritually. It is exhausting!!

Today I had my HSG done. My appointment was for 8:30am (please remember that it is almost 2 hours away from my house, so I drove last night), and they didn't even call me back until 9:30. Seriously, while I watched two people bring in their children, one girl looked maybe 20, maybe. The other couldn't be bothered to get up and pick her child up off the floor while he crawled towards the automatic doors. The procedure itself only lasted about 10 mins, maybe. It was painful for a few minutes, but that didn't last long and I haven't felt bad today, just a little bloated. This was done in the outpatient clinic with a Radiologist who was very nice, and told me that everything looked great, no problems that he could see. I got a CD-ROM copy to take to the RE. Yes, that's good news.

Afterwards, I trucked it with my trusty sidekick, Brittany, who accompanied me to Dallas, so I didn't have to travel alone (Thanks Britt!!) to a completely different building to go to my RE's office for a blood draw. No, didn't need to see the RE, just needed blood draw for the Natural Killer cell test, so it could be overnighted to Chicago for testing. I sat there for over 30 mins. There was not another person there, not a single other person. I didn't see or hear another person there when I went back to get my blood drawn. Why the heck did I have to wait for 30 mins? Seriously, they knew I was coming. It was annoying.

With two good test results so far, we wait for the results from the two blood tests. They said the NK test would take 7-10 days. The other test we're waiting on should be in by next Friday, so I'm hoping they are both here by then. I'm scared about what we might learn, but really I'm scared that we won't learn anything at all, we will be out even more money with no new answers, and therefore, no plan to work on from here. Then I have to tell myself that God didn't give me this spirit of fear, that this is from satan and that he is lying to tell me that we might never end up with a baby.

Then I try to cling on and on to the promises that I know are true, that God will not allow me to be tested beyond what I can bear. I know that God is good, that He has good plans for me, plans for me to prosper. I need to give a shout out to a few people who really have been great to me over the past few weeks, months, years, really, but they shouldn't go without mention...

First, my sweet husband, who tolerates my neurosis and loves me anyway. He always lifts me up and encourages me and I am so blessed to have him on this journey with me!

Then I must thank Julie, Britt, Shawn, Emily W, Andrea, Nan, Shandrea, Angie, Bree, Rachel, Gracie, Amanda, Karla, Leah, Caryn, Mom, and Rene'. I know that there are others, I'm sorry if I missed you, but for my sweet friends who support me so much I'm forever grateful!!

Is it Therapy or Is it running??

One of the best things about running is the conversation with friends while you're doing it! I harass some friends to go with me, just because I look forward to the conversations that will ensue! If I tried to tell you all of the things that my guh, Skinner, (above center) and I talked about this morning, you'd just plain fall out! It gets hilarious and serious out there on the trail. And when you run, sometimes you get loud, or maybe that was the conversation topic that got us fired up?!!? Either way, it's therapeutic. I believe having friends who will get out of their comfort zones, and ask you the really hard questions is invaluable. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Having a friend that loves you enough to tell you that they want you to talk to someone (i.e. a counselor), and not worry about if you get offended or mad about it, that's true friendship. When you laugh so hard you think you're gonna fall down while running (some of us are less coordinated than others), you know you're having a good time and a good conversation. And when you have already run and chatted for 8 miles, then you still stand around at the meeting place and talk some more, you know you're with friends!

Thank you to my runner friends, who push me farther than I would push myself, who ask the hard questions and truly listen to the answers, and who make me laugh so hard, it's a good thing I don't usually have a drink in my mouth!!

***The above picture is not from today, but those are two of my runner peeps that I love to pieces, Jennifer (aka Skinner) and Daniel. Also lots of love to Scott, Susie, Ford, Eric, and of course my sweet sister, Rene'***

Emotions

I think that emotions are a bummer. Mainly because the yucky ones sneak up without cause. I shouldn't be having a rough day today, but I am. It's just been a funky Tuesday.

Today I miss my babies. Some days I'm ok, and though I always think about it, some days are better than others, this is an other day!! People are pregnant everywhere, you never notice how much until it's not you and you desperatly want it to be you! It's just a hard place to be.

I feel like a lot of the joy with my adoption has been taken secondary to the stressful situations we've faced, the possibility of it not happening (for a few weeks there), and the concern over whether or not it will happen in the end. All of these things are so beyond my control that I must daily surrender them to God and know that He will provide. Sometimes I just wonder when and if He will provide a baby for me and Sean. I pray so, I pray that this adoption works out for us.

Today I'd like to say a huge thank you to my girls, specifically the other four of the fab 5 that are traveling this road with me. Without the love of Andrea, Nan, Shandrea, and Angie, I'm sure this road would have been infinitely harder. I am grateful each and every day that God gave me these sweet friends to walk this road with hand and hand! I wanted to share the necklace that I got from Andrea and Nan that is so very special to me. It has my babies' names on it and their birthstones! Thank you girls for this, it means the world to me!