"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Something I must repeat

to myself over and over again. 2 Timothy 1:7 "But the Lord did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." I do find myself afraid of many things. I think once you've lost a baby, you live in a state of fear. When you've not been pregnant in 16 months, you are again filled with fear. Will I ever be pregnant again? Will I end up with children? I know, I know, yes, I will, of course, some how, some way. At what cost? People who don't suffer losses and infertility don't understand the things that go along with fertility treatment both physically and mentally, and at times spiritually. It is exhausting!!

Today I had my HSG done. My appointment was for 8:30am (please remember that it is almost 2 hours away from my house, so I drove last night), and they didn't even call me back until 9:30. Seriously, while I watched two people bring in their children, one girl looked maybe 20, maybe. The other couldn't be bothered to get up and pick her child up off the floor while he crawled towards the automatic doors. The procedure itself only lasted about 10 mins, maybe. It was painful for a few minutes, but that didn't last long and I haven't felt bad today, just a little bloated. This was done in the outpatient clinic with a Radiologist who was very nice, and told me that everything looked great, no problems that he could see. I got a CD-ROM copy to take to the RE. Yes, that's good news.

Afterwards, I trucked it with my trusty sidekick, Brittany, who accompanied me to Dallas, so I didn't have to travel alone (Thanks Britt!!) to a completely different building to go to my RE's office for a blood draw. No, didn't need to see the RE, just needed blood draw for the Natural Killer cell test, so it could be overnighted to Chicago for testing. I sat there for over 30 mins. There was not another person there, not a single other person. I didn't see or hear another person there when I went back to get my blood drawn. Why the heck did I have to wait for 30 mins? Seriously, they knew I was coming. It was annoying.

With two good test results so far, we wait for the results from the two blood tests. They said the NK test would take 7-10 days. The other test we're waiting on should be in by next Friday, so I'm hoping they are both here by then. I'm scared about what we might learn, but really I'm scared that we won't learn anything at all, we will be out even more money with no new answers, and therefore, no plan to work on from here. Then I have to tell myself that God didn't give me this spirit of fear, that this is from satan and that he is lying to tell me that we might never end up with a baby.

Then I try to cling on and on to the promises that I know are true, that God will not allow me to be tested beyond what I can bear. I know that God is good, that He has good plans for me, plans for me to prosper. I need to give a shout out to a few people who really have been great to me over the past few weeks, months, years, really, but they shouldn't go without mention...

First, my sweet husband, who tolerates my neurosis and loves me anyway. He always lifts me up and encourages me and I am so blessed to have him on this journey with me!

Then I must thank Julie, Britt, Shawn, Emily W, Andrea, Nan, Shandrea, Angie, Bree, Rachel, Gracie, Amanda, Karla, Leah, Caryn, Mom, and Rene'. I know that there are others, I'm sorry if I missed you, but for my sweet friends who support me so much I'm forever grateful!!


  1. I agree I will always be in some form of fear since I have had my two losses. It's unfortunate but true. Thank the Lord for sweet husbands! I know I don't think I could survive all this without mine! <3

  2. Keep clinging on the promises that you know are TRUE sweet friend. And I will be here cheering you along and giving you encouragement.

    As for the tests, I know the anxiety that follows, so be good to yourself during the wait.

    And how sweet of Britt to go with you! She's absolutely adorable and I'm glad that you all found eachother :)

    Much Love
    your kindred spirit

  3. Sending you Hugs and Lots of Love;o)

  4. Glad the HSG is over and praying for you as you wait for these results. I sure hope they will reveal some answers and lead to a plan of action. No matter what, I won't stop hoping and believing for you, Deni!

  5. Glad the HSG went well...sorry you had to wait 30 flipping minutes for blood, though! That stinks!!! Praying for continued good results!

  6. sending you good thoughts and many prayers. The wait for anything is more difficult in this process but I know you can do it. You have come this far and although you have been tested you have survived. Good luck on the results this week and thank you for the prayers when I needed them.

  7. hi Deni !

    I feel the same like you about the fear .
    I try to find hope as Im having a hard time myself now and I like your bible text , it is helpful.
    The key is not to give up hope even if you feel the fear too.
    I am proud of you that you went for those tests as I know its not an easy proces , it is stressful to wait for the results and you have to sacrifice your time to drive to the clinic .
    How nice that you had Britt with you , it feels so much better to have someone with you .
    I was so sgrateful that my sister was with me when I went for the ultrasound in August .
    Its hard for Dave to take time off at work so I would have been alone if it wastn for my sister .
    I think about you and pray for good results and a good plan for the 2 of you as for what to do next . I am hopeful for you Deni and I try to be hopeful for myslef too even if its hard right now .
    Sending you hugs - Angie