I've written a few blog entries the past two days and haven't been able to post them, as they seem too sad or negative. Here's the thing though, this is my blog and I am SAD! Nothing I say is meant to hurt or upset anyone else and I really am not looking for any sympathy or uplifting "God's in control" responses. The thing is this: I know God is in control. I also know that my pain hurts Him, and that He knows the waves and the seasons of grief. Grief is not something you can control and make bow to your whims, or show up only when it's convenient. Grief sucks the life out of you, while you watch from the sidelines wishing you could stop it.
I'm sad because there is supposed to be a 2 month old baby in my house, crying, pooping, sleeping, and pretty much consuming all of my time. Currently all that I can here is my dogs wrestling and the tap of my own fingers on the keyboard of my computer. I'm sad because a truly evil, heinous person stole six months of my life. She preyed on my pain, manipulated my heart, and left me with nothing but anger. Had we not been pursuing the adoption with her, we would've been looking for another birth mother, researching agencies, seeing an RE before 13 days ago. We've wasted so much time on something so painful. I have an empty completely ready nursery and the only consolation that I have is knowing that bitch is behind bars. At least she's not cuddling the sweet baby, who is now without a mother! My intention is to do everything in my power to make sure that she remains behind bars, so that she never has the opportunity to do this to another family (especially since we are the second family she's done this to). P.S. I hope her mother rots in hell too!
Every day it seems I hear of yet another person who is pregnant or giving birth to a healthy happy baby or two, and it doesn't get easier. It actually gets harder. Most of the time I'm very happy for these people, but again saddened for myself. This dream of parenthood continues to happen for other people over and over again so easily, while I sit empty armed in a silent house. No one did this to me and it's not any one's fault, but it sucks to have people not even want to tell you that they are pregnant because they know it's going to hurt you. It sucks to feel like a bad person all of the time. It sucks to be jealous. It sucks to want to have good excuses to skip baby showers. It sucks to not want to hold or see new babies. It sucks to look at how old all of your friends' children are an imagine where yours would be. It sucks to want to celebrate with other people, but not have the physical or emotional strength to do so. This whole thing of loss and infertility sucks, every which way and backwards it sucks. Sometimes you wish you could stay in that oblivious state where you weren't aware of certain things, like how crappy certain friends are (or the fact that they aren't really friends at all), or how scary pregnancy is (as my BLM friends who are pg again can't function for fear of another loss), or how much you don't even want to be around yourself some days (I can only imagine how others feel about me, lucky for most I live in another state now).
Then the RE's office informs me today that the blood test that I need to have done can't be done on a Friday. Thank you for that announcement after I've already scheduled my HSG for Friday, as I need to be in Dallas on Saturday anyway. So, now I have to reschedule it all, and it's just frustrating. Had I gotten in to see the MD at my scheduled time (not 50 mins later) I might have been able to have blood drawn for this test that day, and not rearrange my entire schedule. And before anyone tells me about how it will all be worth it, please save your breathe, if I hear that one more flipping time, I might lose my mind! Seriously, I'm well aware that I will do whatever it takes to have a baby of my own, but unless you've dealt with the numerous sticks, pokes, prods, reschedules, new schedules, tests, driving, waiting, hurrying, waiting, hurrying, waiting, getting excited, being devastated, trying to hold it together day in and day out, please don't say any of that cliche' crap that you think will be helpful. It's not! Seriously, not helpful at all!
I debated not writing such a downer post, but this is me. These feelings are real, they hurt, and if you don't want to read them, you certainly don't have to. My intention is not to hurt anyone else's feelings, or to make anyone uncomfortable. This blog is to help me heal, to maybe give a little insight to those who are living with a baby lost mom or infertile, and to have something to look back on and see how far we've come.
While being so frustrated and sad today I came across this blog entry and wanted to share it, as it is completely true, and I do continue to praise the One who took my is always constant!
***And yes, I know this will pass and in a day or two I'll feel much better. You can look for a peppier post soon!****
Update: a nice little run in the rain will help too! Wish I could breathe better, but still good for the soul!!!