"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

My Blog

I've written a few blog entries the past two days and haven't been able to post them, as they seem too sad or negative. Here's the thing though, this is my blog and I am SAD! Nothing I say is meant to hurt or upset anyone else and I really am not looking for any sympathy or uplifting "God's in control" responses. The thing is this: I know God is in control. I also know that my pain hurts Him, and that He knows the waves and the seasons of grief. Grief is not something you can control and make bow to your whims, or show up only when it's convenient. Grief sucks the life out of you, while you watch from the sidelines wishing you could stop it.

I'm sad because there is supposed to be a 2 month old baby in my house, crying, pooping, sleeping, and pretty much consuming all of my time. Currently all that I can here is my dogs wrestling and the tap of my own fingers on the keyboard of my computer. I'm sad because a truly evil, heinous person stole six months of my life. She preyed on my pain, manipulated my heart, and left me with nothing but anger. Had we not been pursuing the adoption with her, we would've been looking for another birth mother, researching agencies, seeing an RE before 13 days ago. We've wasted so much time on something so painful. I have an empty completely ready nursery and the only consolation that I have is knowing that bitch is behind bars. At least she's not cuddling the sweet baby, who is now without a mother! My intention is to do everything in my power to make sure that she remains behind bars, so that she never has the opportunity to do this to another family (especially since we are the second family she's done this to). P.S. I hope her mother rots in hell too!

Every day it seems I hear of yet another person who is pregnant or giving birth to a healthy happy baby or two, and it doesn't get easier. It actually gets harder. Most of the time I'm very happy for these people, but again saddened for myself. This dream of parenthood continues to happen for other people over and over again so easily, while I sit empty armed in a silent house. No one did this to me and it's not any one's fault, but it sucks to have people not even want to tell you that they are pregnant because they know it's going to hurt you. It sucks to feel like a bad person all of the time. It sucks to be jealous. It sucks to want to have good excuses to skip baby showers. It sucks to not want to hold or see new babies. It sucks to look at how old all of your friends' children are an imagine where yours would be. It sucks to want to celebrate with other people, but not have the physical or emotional strength to do so. This whole thing of loss and infertility sucks, every which way and backwards it sucks. Sometimes you wish you could stay in that oblivious state where you weren't aware of certain things, like how crappy certain friends are (or the fact that they aren't really friends at all), or how scary pregnancy is (as my BLM friends who are pg again can't function for fear of another loss), or how much you don't even want to be around yourself some days (I can only imagine how others feel about me, lucky for most I live in another state now).

Then the RE's office informs me today that the blood test that I need to have done can't be done on a Friday. Thank you for that announcement after I've already scheduled my HSG for Friday, as I need to be in Dallas on Saturday anyway. So, now I have to reschedule it all, and it's just frustrating. Had I gotten in to see the MD at my scheduled time (not 50 mins later) I might have been able to have blood drawn for this test that day, and not rearrange my entire schedule. And before anyone tells me about how it will all be worth it, please save your breathe, if I hear that one more flipping time, I might lose my mind! Seriously, I'm well aware that I will do whatever it takes to have a baby of my own, but unless you've dealt with the numerous sticks, pokes, prods, reschedules, new schedules, tests, driving, waiting, hurrying, waiting, hurrying, waiting, getting excited, being devastated, trying to hold it together day in and day out, please don't say any of that cliche' crap that you think will be helpful. It's not! Seriously, not helpful at all!

I debated not writing such a downer post, but this is me. These feelings are real, they hurt, and if you don't want to read them, you certainly don't have to. My intention is not to hurt anyone else's feelings, or to make anyone uncomfortable. This blog is to help me heal, to maybe give a little insight to those who are living with a baby lost mom or infertile, and to have something to look back on and see how far we've come.

While being so frustrated and sad today I came across this blog entry and wanted to share it, as it is completely true, and I do continue to praise the One who took my is always constant!

***And yes, I know this will pass and in a day or two I'll feel much better. You can look for a peppier post soon!****

Update: a nice little run in the rain will help too! Wish I could breathe better, but still good for the soul!!!


  1. All I can say is that I understand. I really, really do. I get it. I've been there. Nothing more needs to be said.

  2. I get it too. I am in the exact same boat as you unfortunately. I should have a 2 1/2 month old girl in our house right now. Not two loud yapping dogs and a TV blaring. We wasted bascially 5 months of our lives with these people (3 months, 2 days with them and then about another 2 months dealing with the aftermath). We are active once again for adoptions, but I am so angry. I just had a meltdown in Walmart. I wish I had not turned into this bitter, mean, hateful person but I have and some days it is ugly. I wish the birth parents from our situation had to repay the agency, apologize to us, or something, but we have nothing. They got the baby, all the joy, and left us in shambles. All I know is karma works and it will come back to them some day. I hate that others feel this pain like I do. Anytime you want to chat just email me, or if you text email me and I'll give you my phone number. Sometimes it just helps to talk to someone in a similiar situation, although I wish we both had never had this happen to our families. I know tomorrow will be a better day too, but right now I just need to have this day end by going to bed and crying myself to sleep. Hang in there.

  3. Even though this post wasn't peppy, I'm glad you shared it. I get to see that so many feelings I have are shared by you as well. As often as I feel like a bad person, it's comforting to know that others feel the same way I do. Makes me feel as normal as a grieving person can. I know that our roads are very different, but I can relate to what you're saying. Can't wait to read your peppier post:) Sending love your way.

  4. I totally get you. I had someone corner me in the bathroom at church and tell me i should be HAPPY because my babies are in Heaven. I wanted to slap her. Sure it brings me peace but I am not "HAPPY" about it! Also I had a follow up on my D & C with my latest miscarriage today and I waited nearly TWO HOURS! I was so incredibly mad to have to be around pregnant women that long. And my friend is having a scheduled c-section on what would have been my first baby's due date. Life throws you crap for sure! If people don't want to read about it then they shouldn't read a BLM's blog! *hugs*

  5. My kindred spirit,

    These are real, true, honest just can't help how you feel sometimes. Shoveling all this under the rug won't help, but venting and putting it into words will. I have felt most of the emotions that you do and yes, it does suck!

    As for the RE, I relate to the stop and start, as you know I started and then had the brakes put on once again. It IS frusterating! However, we just have to make strides forward and BELIEVE in the good that lies ahead. Like you, I felt as if I had wasted so much time and that drove me nutts, but I had to resolve to let it lie. Dwelling on it only made me angry and I'm sure I was no party to be around.

    Heck, supposedly I have a bean in my tummy and should be very joyous, but as you say, the joy is clouded by fear. There is absolutely nothing about loss and grief that are easy to navigate. One day you are on the mountain top and the next you are in the valley, but the good news is that we don't dwell in that valley very long. I have great FAITH in what lies ahead for you. Firmly grasp his hand one more time and refuse to let go! And I will be next to you every step of the way :)

    Loving you from afar and sending up prayers for a better tomorrow, filled with sunshine.

    Love you to the moon and back!
    Your Kindred Spirit

    ps my Birthday present is beautiful...I love it! I put it in my office so that I can see it every day. You are much too sweet to me :) Keep the FAITH honey, you're doing a good job, just keep walking.

  6. i share many of these thoughts and feelings. we cannot be so concerned with what others think of us, or how we are perceived, that we sacrifice being our real selves...peppy or not.

    i think you should keep writing, i know for me it is sometimes all that helps me through the day. people are looking for you to be honest and real, and that speaks volumes more than someone who only writes about the joy in their life. i find that to be much more exhausting anyway, putting on my happy face 24/7 that is...

  7. Do you know how normal this makes me feel? Props to you for getting it all out there. This sucks and it's ok for you to say it out loud (or type it out loud? whatev ;) My prayers are with you as you go through this. I hope a break comes soon! ((hugs))

  8. Yes it sucks. You took the words right out of my mouth. Today I started off feeling well and then it just kinda went down hill from there. But the post that you linked is awesome and i really needed that. Sending you Hugs and Love.

  9. Hey Sister! Just wanted to tell you that 1) I miss your face! and 2) Wallow in it a's okay! THIS SUCKS! and sometimes it's okay (and dare I say, HEALTHY?) to just sit in it and let it wash over you. Give in to it and feel it and it will pass. I am not going to say that "I know how you feel" because I have not walked in your shoes. I have walked in some pretty sucky shoes, but not yours! But I know that I love you and that you are surrounded by people who do! So, sister, take a day (or 10 if you need it) and wallow and cry and be angry and eat ice cream in the rain!

  10. I can relate to most of your thoughts and feeling especially about the hurry up and wait and over and over again and I've only had a taste of it but I'm so scared that this may be it for me. And thanks for the link to While I'm Waiting Praise God Anyway. It's just what I needed today.

  11. I find this post refreshingly honest and I really appreciate you putting into words how so many of us have felt, feel, and will feel again! Love you!

  12. You are right, it is your blog and I for one want to see your true honest emotions and feelings. That is what the blog is for. We don't want to hear the sugar coated stuff, we want to know what you are really thinking and feeling. And pretty good chance there are many of us that can relate! I really like your quote about the grief sucking the life out of you, this is so how I have felt lately and it's kind of a scary feeling. You want to stop it and to be your peppy self again but then another part of you is just SAD and wants to grieve and not be happy and peppy. As always, you are in my prayers!

  13. I can't imagine the storm inside your mind when all the hurts from the past are rolling around inside, but I do know that you have been amazingly strong and graceful through it all. You deserve to be sad or negative as long as you need to be!
    I just want you to know that your friends ALWAYS want to be around you (even if you are having a bad day) because you are such a warm, awesome, entertaining, honest, fabulous, genuine, funny friend.

  14. Hon, this is YOUR blog. Write whatever YOU need!!! Hugs...

  15. This is your space... This is where you get to vent and voice your hurt and anger. You have every right. Thinking of you and praying for good things for you. xo

  16. It's been said here already, but YES it does suck -- every single day and appointment and procedure and blood draw. It's awful and it bends and stretches you in ways that you never thought you could survive... but somehow you do. And YES, this is your blog and your place to share what you're feeling, whether it happens to be positive or negative that day! I want to encourage you to share it because so many can relate to those honest feelings you're having and will know they aren't alone in this struggle.

    As always, you have my love, support, and prayers!

  17. I think people feel like that in 'counting it all as joy' we are supposed to not acknowledge the HURT that comes with life!!! There are seasons, as you wrote...and grieving and hurting, unfortunately, have theirs. Sometimes, it won't be counted as joy for a long, long time. Honestly, I don't think that there are some things I will EVER feel that way about, at least on this earth.

    And you are so right about all the cliches....of course we know they are meant well, but honestly, unless you've been there, done that, bought two vacation houses and ran for mayor of the state of miserable for any amount of time, there's no need to share words of 'wisdom' because you are right--they just don't help and they add to our already guilty feelings because we are bitter--and don't want to be. It's hard not to, though, when someone comes at you and tells you something like, "Oh, I know just what you are going through. I would have never known before, but now that I can't have another baby....I understand.", you don't. You got pregnant, easily, had two wonderful and non-eventful pregnancies, have two beautiful girls, and 'can't' get pregnant again because after the second child you thought you were done and wanted to have the ultimate ab/ tummy tuck and boob job. (SERIOUSLY, this woman lives to show the girls off and I'm not talking about her daughters!)

    I think we're a little different in our situations.

    And obviously, I still have some issues with her, huh? I'll stop now.

    Anyway--lifting you up and knowing that it's hard and it sucks and wishing I could do something to make it easier.