Join The Movement...Don't Offer Things You Can't Give.

The title here might sound strange or angry or something negative, but it really isn't. I worry sometimes that people read this blog and think that I'm so negative and so focused on infertility that I don't enjoy my life, which simply isn't true. This just happens to be my "safe" place to discuss the things that infertility has taught me or is teaching me. Oftentimes subjects that come up are from a discussion I have had with another infertile friend or someone who is not, but it brings up an idea. I assure you I am very happy and enjoy my blessings daily, my Facebook, Instagram, and private blog are for that!! I always want this to be a safe place for infertiles to read!

So the subject that I wanted to touch on today is that of offering something that you really cannot give. I cannot tell you, because I did not keep track, how many people offered to be a surrogate for me. While I typically appreciated the somewhat selfless offer, I was also no where near the point of considering that, nor would I have any idea how to approach it. The thing about surrogacy that I've learned recently is that (at least in Louisiana) the egg donor, or biological mother has little to no rights. A surrogate could carry a baby that has no biological connection to her, aside from being baked in her belly (not making light of that its HUGE) and can decide to keep the baby because she has become "attached". This horrified me! Most people who offer to be surrogates have been pregnant before and did not mind the process (some people do not enjoy pregnancy, even ones who fought tooth and nail to be pregnant--I'm one of them), and therefore think they could do this as a gift to someone else. I like to believe that the world is full of wonderful selfless people and that this would never happen in real life. Lets be real people are people and we are all flawed, hence my husband and I being scammed by a crook who acted for six months as if she were going to give us a baby only to swindle money out of us (she had done it before and will probably do it again)! You just do not know how you would respond in such a situation if you nurtured and loved and cared for a baby for 9 months and then had to turn around and give him/her to someone else.

For me personally, having been through two miscarriages, I couldn't imagine if I had put my embryos in someone else and then she miscarried. The level of hurt and blame there is hard to comprehend.

Now before someone thinks I'm dogging surrogacy, please know that I'm not at all, what I am saying is please please please do not offer such a service to a friend who is fighting infertility unless you have honestly and thoroughly considered the full scale of what that means. While you may have just been making a polite gesture, they may be seriously considering needing a surrogate and to come back and request it of you and be denied is another type of pain that no one needs to endure.

What can you do then? What can you say? Say you care, say you do NOT understand (I promise we don't want you to understand), say you will listen even if you don't get it, say you are honestly praying for them, for guidance, for miracles, for peace. Feel free to tell us you don't get it, you don't want to, it makes you uncomfortable, but that you will go to a fun movie and laugh with us or a sad movie and cry with us. Let us take your kids to the park, the book store, the movies, something that lets us pretend for just one minute that we could be great parents! One of the most fun days I had was picking up my friend's daughter from daycare, taking her to the park, and to the book store. I got to spoil her, no I didn't tell people she was mine, but I got to enjoy the things they got to enjoy daily!

If you are honestly up to it (and it would take guts) say you will go to a support group meeting with them. Read infertility blogs so you can understand more. I've had a few sweet sweet friends contact me and say, I don't know what to do but my friend just lost a baby, can you give me some ideas? Or should I tell my infertile friend I'm pregnant and how? Just the idea that you cared enough to ask someone else would warm their hearts more than you know!

I could go on and on about what to do and what not to do, but I will stop here for today! I'm always willing to answer questions though, so post them in comments or email me!

National Infertility Awareness Week--speak up!

Join the Movement

The wonderful people at Resolve (The National Infertility Association) have made a blog challenge to tell what we are doing to increase awareness about infertility. So here's what I've been doing...

I started this blog and put a whole lot of effort into being completely open and honest about my fertility struggles. Regardless of what anyone thinks it is not easy to admit publicly and basically to anyone anywhere that there is something wrong with you. Being able to procreate is supposed to be what being a woman is all about and as trite as it may sound to someone who doesn't understand...it sucks to feel broken, unable to do the main duty you were created to do...make healthy babies.

When I was living in Texas I had the blessing of being able to attend a support group for ladies who have experienced loss. If you haven't had that blessing and need it, I pray you can find it! That led me to starting a group when I moved back to Louisiana. I don't say that to pat myself on the back, I couldn't have done it without the support of my wonderful church and the ladies in the group who constantly encourage me and share their own struggles! We have a weekly "live" meeting at FUMC downtown and also have a Facebook group where we talk, share, and support one another! The collective knowledge within our group astounds me daily and the women there that support each other and lift one another up continually is something that blesses my heart so profoundly that I'm often left speechless.

I'm vocal about my infertility, maybe too vocal in some people's opinions, but to me knowledge is power and knowing you are not alone, or learning ways to be proactive for yourself, those things cannot be replaced. I lost two babies, my heart still aches over those losses, so my prayer is that my losses can help others, if that is the case, then Layla and Michael have made an impact here on earth and that's the most I could hope for my children! I won't stop being vocal about loss or infertility. I don't do it to make others uncomfortable. I do it to help the millions who feel completely lost, completely alone, completely misunderstood!

To learn more about infertility, check the Resolve website, visit their Facebook page, or ask someone you know who is facing it. Those of us who are infertile typically would love for someone to be interested so it doesn't feel so isolating!

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

You can check out my blog roll as well, there are some amazing women who blog about their infertility struggles also, many have become my friends IRL (in real life) and continue to hold my hand through the trials of infertility!

Husbands and IF or Baby Loss

So, I have thought about this a lot, and while my husband is no saint, he sure has been great throughout our losses and infertility.  I've often wondered how deeply it affects him and know that he lets me know in subtle ways.  He has his own fears and phobias and I know that while he doesn't remember exact dates like I do (what man does?) our experiences have touched him deeply.  He's certainly not one for mushy gushy stuff and oftentimes if I mention anything he changes the subject or simply responds with an "I don't know what to say".  He doesn't get as irate as I do about people saying or doing stupid things, but he gets his own degree of frustrated with people.

Sometimes I think that he never thinks about it like I do, but then he'll make a comment, or have a reaction and I know that it's on his mind sometimes too.  Certainly the feelings aren't the same for men, they don't carry the children, and so they don't feel so much of the failure aspect that we as mothers do, but he's expressed his concerns before as to it "having something to do with me".  So, again without massive conversations I know he worries too.  He worries about all kinds of things, currently it is the lack of middle back seat to put a car seat in (which I'm not nearly so anxious about--funny huh?!!?).

I have to say that I know that infertility and loss reek havoc on a marriage oftentimes, and I know that I am blessed that it didn't tear us apart, but actually strengthened us as a couple.  We've learned to talk more, we've learned how to grieve and how to let one another grieve differently, which can be very hard.  My husband is my best friend, he's a constant support, he is there for me in all aspects of my life and encourages me in anything that I want to do or don't want to do.  I'm very blessed, very very blessed and I know it.

If your marriage has suffered from infertility and loss, please know that I send you so much love and support and prayers to make it through this hard time.  I'm certainly not trying to rub it in either that my experience hasn't been detrimental to my marriage, it has been tested for sure, but at this point it is thriving and I pray the same for all couples who endure this trial.

Feel free to leave any thoughts on the subject as I know so many people have so many different experiences and advice if you have any for people going through these things.  My advice is to communicate, communicate, communicate, even when you want to crawl in a hole and never come out! It's way harder to communicate than to shut down, but more effective to talk it out, even if that means a screaming session or two, or needing to see a counselor, or seeking guidance from a pastor or trusted friend or family member.

CONGRATS!!!!

To the winners of my 100th post giveaway!!

First up is Allison who has won the gift from Magnolia Creative for giving me an example of a comment that hurt her after loss. Seriously, girl, you win because yours made me laugh and cry at the same time! Your humor seems like mine and you have to find a way to laugh so you don't spend the rest of your life crying!!

Second is TwoDogMama for becoming a follower. Thanks for walking along this journey with me and for being such a great support!

I need each of you to email me so we can work out the details of your win! deni.troxclair@gmail.com

I've been using your comments and putting them into my book, some with names, some not, but all with honesty! Feel free to continue to send me comments that are made, the book isn't done, so I can continue to add to it!! Thank you for sharing with me and for supporting me along the way!

Is it Therapy or Is it running??

One of the best things about running is the conversation with friends while you're doing it! I harass some friends to go with me, just because I look forward to the conversations that will ensue! If I tried to tell you all of the things that my guh, Skinner, (above center) and I talked about this morning, you'd just plain fall out! It gets hilarious and serious out there on the trail. And when you run, sometimes you get loud, or maybe that was the conversation topic that got us fired up?!!? Either way, it's therapeutic. I believe having friends who will get out of their comfort zones, and ask you the really hard questions is invaluable. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Having a friend that loves you enough to tell you that they want you to talk to someone (i.e. a counselor), and not worry about if you get offended or mad about it, that's true friendship. When you laugh so hard you think you're gonna fall down while running (some of us are less coordinated than others), you know you're having a good time and a good conversation. And when you have already run and chatted for 8 miles, then you still stand around at the meeting place and talk some more, you know you're with friends!

Thank you to my runner friends, who push me farther than I would push myself, who ask the hard questions and truly listen to the answers, and who make me laugh so hard, it's a good thing I don't usually have a drink in my mouth!!

***The above picture is not from today, but those are two of my runner peeps that I love to pieces, Jennifer (aka Skinner) and Daniel. Also lots of love to Scott, Susie, Ford, Eric, and of course my sweet sister, Rene'***