Husbands and IF or Baby Loss

So, I have thought about this a lot, and while my husband is no saint, he sure has been great throughout our losses and infertility.  I've often wondered how deeply it affects him and know that he lets me know in subtle ways.  He has his own fears and phobias and I know that while he doesn't remember exact dates like I do (what man does?) our experiences have touched him deeply.  He's certainly not one for mushy gushy stuff and oftentimes if I mention anything he changes the subject or simply responds with an "I don't know what to say".  He doesn't get as irate as I do about people saying or doing stupid things, but he gets his own degree of frustrated with people.

Sometimes I think that he never thinks about it like I do, but then he'll make a comment, or have a reaction and I know that it's on his mind sometimes too.  Certainly the feelings aren't the same for men, they don't carry the children, and so they don't feel so much of the failure aspect that we as mothers do, but he's expressed his concerns before as to it "having something to do with me".  So, again without massive conversations I know he worries too.  He worries about all kinds of things, currently it is the lack of middle back seat to put a car seat in (which I'm not nearly so anxious about--funny huh?!!?).

I have to say that I know that infertility and loss reek havoc on a marriage oftentimes, and I know that I am blessed that it didn't tear us apart, but actually strengthened us as a couple.  We've learned to talk more, we've learned how to grieve and how to let one another grieve differently, which can be very hard.  My husband is my best friend, he's a constant support, he is there for me in all aspects of my life and encourages me in anything that I want to do or don't want to do.  I'm very blessed, very very blessed and I know it.

If your marriage has suffered from infertility and loss, please know that I send you so much love and support and prayers to make it through this hard time.  I'm certainly not trying to rub it in either that my experience hasn't been detrimental to my marriage, it has been tested for sure, but at this point it is thriving and I pray the same for all couples who endure this trial.

Feel free to leave any thoughts on the subject as I know so many people have so many different experiences and advice if you have any for people going through these things.  My advice is to communicate, communicate, communicate, even when you want to crawl in a hole and never come out! It's way harder to communicate than to shut down, but more effective to talk it out, even if that means a screaming session or two, or needing to see a counselor, or seeking guidance from a pastor or trusted friend or family member.

Mother's Day

First of all, Happy Mother's Day to my mom, who gave me life, loves me unconditionally, taught me to love God, and supports me all the time. She gave me a Mother's day gift, from Layla and Michael. It's a pitcher from Pier One. We Reid women have a sick obsession with dishes. I seriously could buy dishes constantly, I have to make myself not do it! So, thank you for that Mom, that was a beautiful gesture and I appreciate it so very much. Layla and Michael are my children and I am their mother forever!

Secondly, it's Mother's Day (well technically not anymore since it's so late!). Today was fraught with ups and downs. Getting to church this morning and seeing friends was great, the music was, as usual, AWESOME. I'm grateful to go to a church (at home) with such great talent, and that makes me feel so at home, (no offense to my church here in Tyler, it's just not home). I started out fine and I flip-flopped between fine, ok, not-so-good, and sad all day long.

I'm putting this on here, so prepare. Dealing with a birthmother is H-A-R-D! I'm confident she feels the same way. She's having her own issues in life (which seem quite overwhelming without the whole 'I'm giving my baby to someone else' thing), and she's hormonal, and while we both have the best interest of the baby at heart, we are human people, dealing with our own human emotions. It doesn't help that we only communicate via text, which I think is a piss poor way to talk. That's all I seem to get, and you can't communicate feelings, emotion, and tone that way. So, I find that I think she is pissed pretty much constantly, and I think she thinks the same of me. Truth be told, sometimes I am pissed. I'm pissed that she is carrying this baby and I'm not. I'm pissed that this isn't just some easy peesy, hallmark movie that goes just so and no one ever gets upset. I'm pissed that it's hard! Who knows what I really expected in the beginning, but it hasn't gone 'that way', not that I can identify 'that way' or that I could've told you what 'that way' was beforehand. We (me and baby mama) have in our moments of clarity, said that this is hard, we both recognize that, and that we wish there were a manual to tell us how to handle all of this. So, I think that's the best we can hope for.

I know that God gave me these circumstances for a reason, and I see glimmers of them here and there and I know they will become more clear as time goes on. I am grateful to have a birthmother, grateful to be getting a baby in the next 6-8 weeks (yes, seriously, that soon!!). I am grateful to have the love and support of my family, and though it's often hard, I'm grateful that I communicate with my birthmother. I hope that in the end we will both be better for all that we've gone through. Most of all I hope that for all that is good, God gets the glory, and for where it fails, that all know it's my humanness taking over, not God dropping the ball.

That's my Mother's Day post. Happy Mother's Day to all and to all a good night!