How do I say this?...

I'll just have to put it out there. I think that writing this will be therapeutic...

Our adoption was a scam. Literally, from the beginning, our birthmother never intended to give us the baby and has done this to another family previously. Wow! That was hard to write.

So, there it is in black and white. She is an actual criminal, not like ha!ha!, but seriously, it's like her career. I know she's read this before, which is where she began her attack on my family. So, if you're reading this, Darla, thanks for such a wild ride!

While I am very sad that we didn't end up with a baby, I also know that the best thing possible has happened. Had we given up in the process, this would never have been found out and she might be able to do this to yet another family. Throughout the whole process I was skeptical, there were lots of alarms about this little girl, and many times we wanted to bail. As I continuously prayed about the situation, I never was given confirmation to bail. I assumed that that was because regardless of her baloney, we'd end up with a baby in the end. Sometimes what we think are the purpose, and what really are, end up different. I believe in this case, our experience was to be able to help stop this girl from hurting anyone else (her rap sheet tells a story of the many people she's taken in her wake).

From early on, I said that I wanted to work on adoption reform, to decrease the chances for families (who desperately want children) being taken advantage of in return for monetary assistance. Currently in many states, a birthmother can be paid living expenses, medical expenses, and even more. Now, I will say that I am in no way bashing birthmothers, I know that there are some amazing women out there who lovingly gave their children better homes--I know quite a few of these adopted children and they are blessed! I am saying that there should be reform to decrease the birthmothers, who promise their children in return for money and then "change their minds" in the end. I'm certain that this happens out of the sheer inability to let go of their children most of the time, but then there are scammers, and people who just really aren't honest and are trying to get a buck without working for it. Then families like ours get pulled through the mud, lose our money that we worked hard for, and end up broken-hearted again.

Luckily, in this instance, I can see the purpose early on. It is refreshing to see all of the ways that God worked in this situation. We did prepare and decorate and buy clothes, but no one in our families truly believed that this adoption was going to happen (I may be speaking out of turn, but this is my blog!). I believe that the Holy Spirit kept our hearts guarded for a reason, so that the loss wouldn't be as great, and we would be able to recover. We [Reids and Troxclairs] are some serious fighters and overcome obstacles together. Sean and I are a pretty strong team, and continue to grow stronger as we face obstacles together. My husband is my greatest gift from God since I've been grown (see how I did that because my sister came when I was little!!). Secondly, God has also shown me that He can TRULY support me and hold me up if I'll only trust Him!

After my second loss, I was so angry with God, maybe I needed somewhere to focus it, but instead of clinging to Him, I blamed Him. This experience has been much different, as my faith has grown so much over the past year. Probably being so fully against our move yet seeing just how much God has done here, I've learned a lot about His sovereignty. Throughout this whole surreal experience I have had a calm and a peace. I knew that as many people as we had praying for this situation that the outcome, even if I didn't love it, would certainly be God's will for us. So, when the answer was NO, I was at peace.

Thank you so much to all of our friends and family who have been praying for us. Your love and support have helped sustain us as God's perfectly placed angels on earth! Continue to pray for our next steps in "Making Our Troxclair Family"!!

p.s. I know that some people are wondering if we will use the name Cala Fay with another baby, the answer is YES! This was NOT our Cala Fay (this baby has actually had another name all along used by her parents in maternity pictures that I found I might add!!). Our baby has yet to be put with us, but we BELIEVE that one day she will!

Adoption

This word seems to be ruling my head, heart, and everything right now. I'm a reader, I LOVE to read and when I'm interested in something I try to learn as much as I can about the subject. So, after reading some suggestions over on Thoughts From a Blonde's post, I ordered I think 7 books. I've read two and am half way through a third. And here's the report I have on that...

Dear Birthmother by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin
This book is all about OPEN adoption, not semi-open, or anything like that and it's adamantly against closed adoption. I'm not pro any kind of adoption, as I've never been involved before in adoption, so I can't fully form an informed opinion. I will say prior to starting my journey, I wanted a completely closed adoption, no information, no contact, nothing. But if you've read my blog you know that's not what happened or how our path progressed. This book was enlightening on many different things. I can't say that I agree totally with all of the points of this book, but I know that I learned from it, and that I can appreciate that these women are highly educated and affected by adoption and have the best of intentions. I know that having some knowledge about your birthmother/father can be very helpful and useful, especially when it comes to medical history and knowing what to look for or expect/anticipate in the future. I also feel that letting your birthmother know that her child is developing well and is happy and well loved can be nothing but good for her.

Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolff
This book was amazing and I highly recommend it. Her adoption was one of mixed race and the truth that she shares in this book regarding that and all other topics adoption are refreshing. As is evident by my blog, I'm an open book, I have a hard time holding back or not being honest, and this book is just that--HONEST. Some things are so hard to read because you know they are true, but you don't want to say them to yourself, much less anyone else. This book touched my heart and I recommend it to all adopting parents.

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge
I'm only halfway through this one, but it's good. It's hard to read as well. As adoptive parents (and families) we'd love to believe that adoption is a complete win, that there is no sadness and no loss involved, but that is ridiculous. There is loss, for everyone involved and honesty is, in my opionion, the best policy. Hearing how some of these children feel, I pray my child doesn't ever feel some of these sadnesses, but I know that as a parent, it's my responsibility to be there for and support my child no matter what. It is not an option to put my head in the sand and act like my child should never be affected by her adoption. So, I'm trying to arm myself with as much knowledge as I can to be able to fully support and help my child develop into the most beautiful, strong, confident person that she can be. Some of that is embracing that she will sometimes be sad and want to ask about her birthmother and know things about her, of which I hope to have plenty of information to share. This book is enlightening so far, and though some of the points aren't completely relevant, the author says that she was a child of closed adoption that wasn't talked about in the 40's. So, our situation will be different, but the points are still very valid and helpful.

Also on my list to read is...
20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed by Sherrie Eldridge

Then onto...
The Happiest Baby on the Block
On Being Baby Wise
What to Expect in the First Year

I'm open to suggestions as well.

It's easy to be scared when you are about to have a baby, that happens when you are adopting too, if not moreso. I'm not experiencing the impending signs of motherhood, no kicks, no inability to sleep, no mood swings (though this may count as nesting, along with the nursery prep), and so it's hard to internalize what's taking place. I just pray that I am prepared enough to give my child all that I can and love her the best that I can!

If anyone has any suggestions for preparing Dad, I'm open to those too, as I know Sean isn't going to read all these books, but some tips or anything would be appreciated!

I wanted to share one more thing today and that was that my BFF from grad school called to tell me today that she is in fact, having twins!!! I'm so thrilled for her, but that's not the whole story. She has a patient at her nursing home who is 60and recently had a stroke. For those of you who don't know depending on where the bleed happens it can affect you in many different ways, well her patient was telling her about her children (she has 2 or 3, a little confused too) and she was very fired up and had no inhibition whatsoever, and said "When people talk about having to be pregnant to have a baby, I just want to tell them to take a flying leap!! Being pregnant doesn't make you a mother, and just because you aren't pregnant doesn't mean you aren't or won't be a mother!". She said she thought of me and told the lady I was adopting and the patient asked when I would be bringing my baby home, and was told shortly after she is born. The patient said that was wonderful and that I would be so blessed by this baby. So, thanks random patient lady, I appreciate your thoughts!! And I ask you all to pray for the safe arrival of these sweet twins that I can't wait to meet!