Wish I had known...

In reference to REs.

I had two friends talk with REs today and both had a fairly good experience, these things make me really happy. I'm not sure I can convey how happy they make me, but having had a realllllllly horrible initial RE experience, and having had a FABULOUS second round experience, I know how important feeling heard, feeling supported, and trusting that your RE is smart are in that instance.

I wish I had known before my first experience that doctors DO listen, that good REs don't care about the money (they do quite well regardless), and that you have a RIGHT to ask all the questions you want!!! Being armed with a good list of questions prior to an appointment, I believe, I key! So... I would like some input from my trusted friends here!

Please tell some of your good and bad RE stories so that others can learn. Tell questions you wish you had known initially to ask, or information that your RE shared that you found inlightening.

I will share a few things here comparing and contrasting my experiences...

1. My first RE never called me by my name, which is a nickname, I know that's not a requirement, but when I went to Dr. S, his whole office called me by my name (as you know on here) from my first visit on!

2. At Dr. Crap's office the nurse who drew blood (eleventy billion times) hurt me EVERY time she stuck me! At Dr. S's office, the only pain I ever had was from OHSS, which he treated (which was quite painful).

3. With Dr. Crap any time I asked a question, he talked to me like I was 5 and was extremely patronizing. When I talk to Dr. S, he happily answers my questions on a reasonable level and doesn't talk down to me at all, he actually encourages questions and explains very thoroughly!

4. When I had a D&C with Dr. Crap he didn't even come talk to my husband after the surgery to give him a report. He left the hospital! Needless to say, my hubby was PISSED! I didn't experience that with Dr. S, but after each thing I had done he talked to us and so did his nurses and they called to check on me!

5. At Dr. S's office I waited 45 mins for my first visit (and panic set in because...). With Dr. Crap, I waited over an hour each time regardless of my appointment time AND waited 3.5 hours to have my D&C done. After waiting 1.5 hours for my follow-up afterwards, and rushing out the door in a full blown panic attack, we left, never to return!

6. I know quite a few people who have seen Dr. Crap, and only one has had rave reviews about him, the others (double digit #s) even with successful pregnancies, say his office feels like cattle herding, and is completely impersonal. (His nurse said to a friend who had done IVF, upon her reporting that she had a BFN that morning, "Well, you knew that could happen!") WTH?!?!?

7. The whole staff with Dr. S asked repeatedly about both me and my husband and how we were dealing with the stresses of IVF. His staff called me to check on me after procedures and he stopped by to talk to me each time I was there, even if I didn't need to see him. The front desk girls, the finance lady, the nurses, the embryologists, they were all AMAZING!!!! Did I mention that getting stuck there didn't hurt--ever!! I have a sweet friend who had seen Dr. S and even with an unsuccessful IVF recommended him with RAVE reviews, as would I, that instilled a LOT of confidence in him and his staff, as she went on and on about their excellent care!

I hope that no one else has a horrible of an experience as I did the first go round, but I pray that EVERYONE has the experience that I had with Dr. S (if you want more info on him, I'd be glad to share, just email me!).

Please share anything you can about RE experiences you've had, I think it's so helpful to know what other people have dealt with and what things are helpful!!

**I'll post again with some more good info***

100th post!!!!, visit with new RE, and a giveaway!

That's right, this is my 100th blogpost. I've been waiting to do it when I had some time. That could end up being never, so I decided that a visit with a new RE was good enough reason to write my 100th post!

The RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist, i.e. Fertility Specialist), was great, aside from having to wait for 50 mins, which made me very anxious, everything was wonderful. I could tell he had looked through my entire history, and really paid attention to what had and had not been done. He explained a lot of things about miscarriage and infertility, some things I knew and some were new to me! The way he did it was compassionate, and informative. He didn't give me that feeling of this place being a puppy mill, like my last RE's office did repeatedly!! There were some things that he felt were huge red flags that should have lead to previous testing, but we are going to be doing now. For all of you who are wondering and have asked, I will be having an HSG done, which not only tells if your tubes are open, but also gives information about your uterus and cervix. So, having been told previously that I didn't need this test because I have been pregnant twice and my tubes are obviously open, I now know that it looks for uterine abnormalities, which could include scar tissue, or oddly shaped uterus. So, I'm glad that is being done. I had a blood test run, will have another done, and hubby will have a blood test run. If you want to know more details, you can email me, at deni.troxclair@gmail.com. I'm a pretty open book, but I don't think all of my specific things should be put on a blog, and certainly not the things that concern more than just me! So, just be praying that our testing comes back and when it does that the doctor will be knowledgeable in how to handle anything that we may be thrown! I will say this, the clomid and metformin are out! He says I do NOT need those and should not be taking them. This is good news as they both have unwanted side effects!!

Next, I am doing giveaway in honor of my 100th post, but it's also a little selfish, in that I want some feedback from all of you! Two things that I need are the following: 1. if you follow this blog consistently and aren't registered as a follower, please do so, as it will help me when it comes to the book I'm trying to write. Having consistent followers does make you have more credibility than having fewer. 2. I want to hear your thoughts and feeling, specifically on the things that people have said or done that have hurt you the most, throughout your infertility or losses. These responses I would like to put in my book, but only with your permission, and I wouldn't mention your name unless you request that. (Some of my friends are already mentioned, and they will have to suck it up--(; as there's no real way around it!).

So, if you sign up as a follower, I'll enter you into a drawing to win something from Magnolia Creative (as she'll be in my book without prior authorization!).

And, if you leave a comment that tells something that you've experienced (or if you haven't been through this, something that someone else has complained has happened to them, or you've found yourself saying wrong), I'll enter you in a drawing for a piece of jewelry by MamaMiaTina. She is a baby lost mommy and does great jewelry that you can customize, so sign up and be entered!

While I'm plugging all of my creative friends (I'm blessed to have some real talent in my friend pool!), I wanted to direct you with kiddos to Kenzington Kollections. Sweet Rachel has some great things there and one of the cutest rainbow babies out there!!

So, happy Friday everyone, I'm off to a retreat with my youth girls having speaker, Keiah Ellis, join us!! Again, if you haven't read her book "Aftermath" go get it now!!!

***Update***
I have literally found myself in so many places reading your comments, from laughing out loud to the possible chapter title of "you can't make this kind of Bleep up", to crying for the things we've all had to endure, to exhausted for all that we've been through! I'm literally taking each of the emails I receive to notify me of a post and putting them in a folder in my email for book research! Thank you all so much and keep them coming!!

Moved up...

I decided today to move up my appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). I called and they said that they could get me in Thursday! Hooray! I guess getting over the initial trepidation of going, just made me ready to dive in with both feet! Plus I don't want to let any more time go by without feeling like I'm being proactive. So, this Thursday, I'll be heading to Dallas, and my sweet Julie offered to go with me! I love that girl!

This evening, I'm going to enjoy a nice calming yoga class and try to get to bed early, that is just not something I like to do. I'm a night owl and like to stay up late and sleep late, but tomorrow my crazy co-worker and I are gonna start running (on the treadmill, too hot outside) Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesdays. I know I'm 100 times more likely to do it if I have some accountability, so this will be great! Have I mentioned that I love my job and my co-workers?

Happy Monday everyone, I'm not feeling like such a grouch today! :)

No Idea What To Post

Here's the thing, I've been feeling really frustrated with the whole getting pregnant thing because nothing seems to work easily for me, so I don't have a lot of stuff to post really.

I did listen finally to my sweet Fab 4 (we're 5 including me) and made an appointment with an RE for September. The truth is, this really ticks me off, as I'll have to drive to Dallas to go there, because there is no one in Tyler that does RE. Frustrated would be the word to describe me in that area. I don't want to have to go to all of that trouble and I feel like standing and throwing a 2-year old fit, foot stomping, breath holding, red-faced fit. Hopefully, it will all work out well and not be a big deal, but who knows.

Also, found out my cousin is pregnant, some things just aren't fair, seriously, she has 20 year old twins and a 19 year old (she started early), and I have no children. Really?!?!? Life is NOT fair.

Other than that, I will say that as I type this on my new MacBook Pro, that I am thrilled to have this and am having such a blast using it! I've actually never owned a laptop (I know, GASP!!). I'm planning on writing a book, well actually I'm in the process of doing it, so I'm pumped to have my computer to just whip it out whenever and idea pops into my head, sooooo fun!!! Plus it gave me an excuse for accessories and I love accessories, so I'm the proud owner of a new computer bag, with matching duffle and tote bags for all of my travels. Those extra thing I actually needed a lot, as every suitcase/bag/tote I currently have has broken straps, so frustrating!!

Now, I'm enjoying the rest of my day. Looking forward to going to meet a friend's baby that was born in July and then going to a baby shower for a friend for her 3rd child. Seriously, sounds like a great weekend, right?!?!?

Where Do I Begin?

In March of 2007 I decided it was time to expand our family from the two of us to more. I quit taking the pill and figured magic would happen within months (at most). Like many people, but very few of my close friends, this did not happen. As a matter of fact as of December 2009, 33 months later, we are still just a two person family.



In July of 2008 I became pregnant for the first time, and so you don't have to count it out it was 16 months after we started trying, 3 rounds of clomid, umpteen vials of blood, mulitple visits to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist), and lots of tears and frustration. But it had finally happened, I got that happy 'pregnant' announcement on the stick and was over the moon. All seemed well at my 5 week appointment (early because I was seeing an RE), and her little heart was beating away at 7 weeks. It was magical, though sadly my hubby wasn't able to be there because of work. I'll never be able to put into words how sad it is for me, to this day, that he wasn't there as he has yet to, and may never know the wonder that is seeing that little heart beating away so perfectly. At our 9 week appointment (9 weeks 3 days) we went in to see her little heartbeat together, and we waited all smiley and happy, and waited, and waited, while the doctor wiggled around. I didn't realize that he was searching for what wasn't there, my baby's heart had stopped beating only the day before. It was so quiet in the room that it was like I could only imagine it being in warped space travel, so loud with nothing that your ears are about to explode. Then the silence was broken, mostly by the sobs that I'm sure terrified the expectant mothers that could hear me. I'm sorry to say I wasn't even a little concerned with them. I can't put completely into words the feelings that you go through when this happens, but I will say this...If you haven't experienced it, then you don't have a clue what it's like and I (and some other baby lost moms) would appreciate you not offering your words of wisdom, pearls of advice, or try to relate something in your life to my experience. It's not that we don't appreciate the sentiment, it's just that you never know when the words you mean to help, do nothing but tear us further down. The best thing you can do is just tell us you're sorry and let us talk when we need to talk, even if it makes you uncomfortable.



Anyhow, that was September 12, 2008 and I went in for a D&C on the 15th, I consider this my baby's angelversary (this is a term used by we baby lost moms to say when our babies went to heaven). My EDD (expected due date) was to be April 15, 2009. It never occured to me that I wouldn't be pregnant again by then, as all but one of my friends who had experienced loss had been pregnant by their EDD, I never dreamed I'd be any different (wrong again!). Actually technically I was pregnant again, but didn't know until 8 days after my EDD.



Some wonder how we keep these dates straight in our heads, but they remember their children's birthdays, their first words, their first haircut, these dates are all we have of our babies. I know that some consider that they weren't babies yet, and everyone has a right to their own beliefs, but mine were babies. I believe that at conception a baby is a life and has the right to live and be loved.



So, on April 22, 2009 (7 months later for the record) I found out I was pregnant again. Again I was over the moon, but once you've lost, you never truly enjoy a pregnancy again. I was due to leave for Nashville the two days later to run in a half marathon so I went to the doctor, who told me not to run. Easy for her to say, she hadn't spent the last 3 months fund-raising and training for this event, didn't have tickets booked, rooms reserved, and a whole host of events planned surrounding it. So, I talked to my husband and I decided I would do it anyway. And I did complete my second half marathon in 3 hours and 6 minutes (not fast at all), because I took plenty of rest breaks, drank at every stop, took pictures of the fun things, and basked in my happiness of having such a good reason to go slow. The whole experience is one I would never trade as I had raised money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society through Team in Training, to honor a friend's wife who lost her battle with Leukemia in November of 2008. It's a cause I believe in and if you're interested, you should check out TNT!!



The first visit, again early because of my history, my husband couldn't go to (again because of work), so my Julie went (my college roomie, who introduced me to hubby, who is a doctor, and who can handle me in all situations) with me. Not a good visit, so glad I wasn't alone. The ultrasound tech was a nightmare (sorry to be blunt, horrible), and told me that I was measuring an entire week behind where I should be and argued with me about knowing when I got pregnant. This bit I will tell you about most people who struggle with infertility, we KNOW when we got pregnant, we may be off by a day or two, but never a week. We count days, we take ovulation tests, we KNOW! So, that was horrible and Julie helped me not completely lose it, but she knew and I knew that this wasn't good. My OB is one of the most fantastic women I've ever met and I haven't heard a patient of hers not say the same, and she tried to reassure me, gave me every pep talk possible, told me good happy stories of these things working out, she was amazing. But my heart knew what was coming. The next week we went in for another ultrasound, still measuring behind, but had a heartbeat (not strong enough, but I tried to push that away). Luckily this time hubby was with me, but we still were skeptical. We went again a week later (seriously sick of the MD office) and the heartrate had dropped significantly. The ultrasound tech (still horrible) left to get my sweet doctor and she came in and she looked as mad/sad/upset as I felt. While they were both out of the room I told Sean, "It's happening again, I know it is". And I was numb, not yet anything but numb. So, when Dr. T came in and told me I already knew and she said obviously we would have to wait for the heart to stop completely before we could do a D&C. I went in for my second D&C on May 26, 2009, so that is Michael's angelversary. His EDD is new year's eve, and I'm struggling with that as I type. I was crushed beyond belief, but still a little numb.



The next couple of months led to something that I have no way to describe other than complete rage. I didn't act it out necessarily, but I was furious with someone that I've never been comfortable being furious with, God. I couldn't pray, I couldn't talk to Him, I knew I couldn't trust Him. And that battle still goes on for me, which is very very hard to say. I was at camp with my high schoolers from church (I volunteered with our youth group) and I remember telling one of our pastors, "I don't know why I'm here, how can I help these kids when I don't even know what to say myself?" I do know with all my heart that while I struggle with God, He knows, and He's there even when we shut Him out. As I was in a friend's office looking over her bookshelf a few months later I came across a book, that I've recommended time and again to other baby lost moms, When God Lets You Down by Donald Gee. It was heart changing for me and exactly the words God intended me to read, so if you know someone struggling with loss, get it for them!



This process continues for me and there is yet to be a happy ending to our story, but I wanted to invite you all on my journey. I plan to post more on just how I feel, the steps we're going to take to make our family bigger than just 2, and possibly how you can support baby lost moms.



I want to thank a few people very specifically for their love and support through all of this and if I miss someone, I must say that I'm sorry I'll add as I remember...



Amanda, I don't know that would've made it through day one of losing Layla were it not for you and your friendship. I know you know my pain as you have 3 angel babies too, but the support that you (and your sweet momma) gave me can never be replaced.



Kandi, my parents, my sister, Emily & Johnny, Stephane, Shawn, Jean, Karla, Leah, Sarah, Becky, all of my First Place ladies, my youth (there are too many to name individually but you know I love you!!), Caryn, Rachel, Bria, Rhonda, Tammy, Derek, Mark, Heather, Emily, the Center for Therapy staff, all of my church family, and my sweet ladies from http://www.ourmiscarriage.com/, especially Andrea and Nan!



This is for my angels in heaven Layla Marie, and Michael, your mommy loves you to the moon and back!