I've been quiet here...

There have been posts that swirl in my head all of the time.  Having a baby does not erase the pain of loss, the pain of infertility, or the pain associated with a failed adoption/adoption scam.

Tonight my heart is heavy for someone in the blog world who has experienced what we did with that adoption debacle.  Hearing of someone else's heartbreak in a similar situation has me in tears.  The feelings associated with what happened to us are long-lasting, they are painful, and they shouldn't be forgotten.

I think that adoption is a beautiful, wonderful blessing and I have many friends who have filled their families this way.  I think that it is God-breathed and sacred.

Will I ever attempt it again?  I never say never, but the likelihood is slim to none.  The pain associated with our experience was quite different from my two miscarriages.  The difference being that another human being preyed upon our weakness, our struggles, the deepest pain we've known and used it to her advantage.  And all for money, or material goods.  I cannot imagine the fake nails and extensions she bought with our money was worth the jail time that she's serving now (not related to our case, but for other criminal acts, ours just forced her to be found).  I think about that child being raised without a mother and how that will affect her for years to come.  I think about walking past an empty nursery for months and not allowing anyone to even walk in there because it was too painful.

Preying upon infertile families for monetary gain is criminal, and should be punished, these women, the supposed "birthmothers" who pretend they are going to give up their babies so they can get money from a couple desperately hoping for a child is the worst kind of deception.  It should be punished, it should be tried and these women should pay for doing something so heinous to another human being.  I could go on and on about how vile I think these women who do this are, how reprehensible their behavior, and how they should be treated.  I know I should not be judging and I should not want revenge, those things are not of God, but I also know that those things anger Him as well.  He doesn't want to see His children suffer and we are called to lift one another up, not tear each other down.  The tearing down that occurs after an adoption scam is lasting.  It makes trusting anyone nearly impossible, it makes opening your heart to the possibility again unthinkable, and it leaves you empty, hurting, and angry.  These are things that shouldn't happen to anyone.

I will continue to voice my opinion about this and continue to do what I can to change the way that adoption laws are set up and how birthmothers can be compensated because I think that this type of crime should be recognized, should be addressed, and should be corrected!

Control

I'm a firm believer that no one can 'take' control over you. You must 'submit' to their control and while sometimes it's easier said than done, I prefer not to let people control my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. Typically, it's very easy for a family member to have control over you, generally just by their relation to you. I mean, your parents do have control over where you go, and what you do, but not necessarily how you feel about yourself. There are some really great parents out there who compliment and support their children all the time, yet these kids still feel incompetent or ugly or dumb, etc. Obviously the opposite is true as well, there are hateful abusive parents who end up with very well adjusted children. I don't think that it's always a conscience decision to let someone control how you feel about yourself or a situation, but others do influence us, and sometimes it requires a fully conscious decision to listen (in good cases) or not listen (in bad cases).

Where did this random thought come from you might ask? Well, first from working with youth and seeing how they view themselves in relation to what others say about them, or how their peers treat them. It often breaks my heart to see young men/women who are so self-conscious or lack self-esteem when they have so very much to offer. I pray that as I interact with these kids I can help be that influence of positive self-image, or can foster a focus on things that they are very good at.

Me, personally, I'm no athlete, very poor coordination, but I've found that I can be a runner (and typically am, though a slow one, which is fine with me!). My parents fostered in my sister and I both that we were smart, we could/should/would do well in school, we would attend college, and we could be anything that we put our minds to--that paid off for both of us. Rene' (my fab sister) is much more athletic than I am, but she's very good at encouraging me in our running endeavors, but the fact that we both focused and excelled in academics and did strive for athletics, I believe has a lot to do with how we were raised. (I have no problem with that, just making a point).

The second reason I was thinking about this is because of the way that my emotions and thoughts have been affected by our failed adoption. I am very guilty of allowing that girl (supposed birth mother) way more control over me than I'd like to admit, but since I'm honest on here, I'm outing myself! I let her ruin my view on private adoption and cause me to be much less trusting overall, and even to taint the name we had picked for our baby. In the past few days I've decided to take back that control, and while our private adoption went poorly (and I think all birth mothers should have a background check in these cases), that doesn't mean that all will. I am a trusting person, and I don't want that to change about me, I'm not naive (as I had my suspicions about that girl from the get-go, hence my intense record keeping!), but I generally trust until you give me a reason not to (i.e. extorting money from me) and I prefer to stay that way. in addition to that I am well aware that birth mothers are not evil people out to scam you for money, this girl was a criminal, not a mother (so all birth mothers, know I very much respect you for the choices you make and the sacrifices you endure for your children). And as far as the name we had picked out last summer, we are still using it, that was not her child's name, but was for our child one day, whenever and however that happened.

Not gonna lie, it feels really good to relinquish that control. That does not mean we will not continue to pursue our case, we definitely will see it through to the end. I believe that while the whole experience was nightmare-ish, that was God's plan for us, and we are serving a purpose by keeping her from putting anyone else through such a nightmare.

I am in control of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions!

Special post

So, before Sean left last week, he came into the bathroom while I was blow-drying my hair and handed me a bag with a bit of a sullen look on his face. I opened it and inside were this bracelet and a matching necklace. Let me just say that pearls are my favorite stone ever because my mom has always called me her "pearl girl". So, this jewelry set was very precious, as it was made of pearls and has Calla Lillies on it. He said it bought them intending to give it to me after the adoption, but since that didn't happen he had been wondering when would be a good time to give them to me. I could tell he was sad, and then he said that he is sad and having a hard time with all of this. He told me "I just hope maybe this can bring us some good karma!". I told him that we will still have "our" Cala one day, some way, some how! Needless to say, I treasure this jewelry far above lots of other things I've received. My husband is a doll and very sweet, though sometimes other people don't see it. I'm very blessed to have been given the gift of him to walk this very hard road with, as I don't know how I would navigate it all without him.

I must also give a big shout out to Emily for picking this set out in New Orleans and calling Sean to tell him about it and "suggest" that he buy it!! Thanks E-Lee for that and for being a great friend!

I've gotten multiple compliments each time I've worn the set and I just love it!! Very special, and I continue to pray for our Cala Fay and wait for her arrival into our lives, in God's perfect timing!

Failed Adoption

It is over! the birthmother isn't giving her up. We shouldve followed our guts and bailed in the very beginning, but sometimes you do stupid things and instead I let my heart get too wrapped up in the possibility of it all.

We are heartbroken and crushed, we shouldve seen the signs. But she seemed to have an explaination for everything, though we didn't believe her. I will continue to pray for her and that child, but it will be hard!

Thank you all for your love and support! We're not sure where we will go from here. I'm exhausted and want to sleep for days!!!