Great Blog

So, my sweet friend Maxine just sent me this new blog, I've only read the first post and I'm already in love!  Go by and check this out!

While you're at it, you can lift a prayer up for Maxine, she beat breast cancer's butt last year and now she's expecting her second baby!  I sweet little boy named Luke.  She's one of my real life heros and proof that God is up there and taking good care of us!  No one knew if she would be able to have children after all of her cancer treatments, and it was an ongoing prayer for all of us who love her--Thank you God for that answer!

Memories I wasn't expecting...

***This post mentions pregnancy, but you may want to read anyway because that's not the focus***

I didn't realize when I started prepping for Cala to come all the emotions that I would be faced with. You see last summer I bought oodles of baby clothes, mostly because we weren't having any showers because we were adopting a baby and we never knew for sure if that would happen. There are always risks when adopting, but no one ever thinks that for approximately six months of their lives some sadistic girl would be manipulating them just for money. You think about the birth mother possibly changing her mind, which you can understand, as an infertile you could never imagine giving up a baby, so if someone else couldn't give up their child you can accept it and understand a little bit.

It is very different when someone has purposely crept into your life and taken advantage of the things that are most painful for you! I picked out clothing for a little girl that was supposed to come home with us last summer, but the truth is she was never supposed to come home with us. She was never our daughter, and that is sad too. It is sad that her mother committed crimes for money that are costing her daughter a mother. I think about that little girl often and pray for her because I can't imagine what it's like in her world, or how it will be in the future. I know that when I look at all of those darling clothes, some of which are gifts from people we love dearly, I know they are meant for Cala, who will be arriving in July of 2011.

I also know that the human part of me is still angry, not at all like I was, and the constant thoughts of it have dissipated (thank God, as only He could relieve them), but they are still there! I'm still bitter that we lost so much money, not because a mother couldn't bear to separate from her precious child that she had carried for nine months, nope, we are out all of that money so that some criminal could get extensions, fancy maternity photos, a 3D ultrasound, a nice apartment, multiple manicures, and spending money while she did absolutely nothing but harass me constantly. Yes, I'm still bitter about that.

I do firmly believe that the situation was orchestrated by God, that He gave her the opportunity to make the situation right, to make a good choice for her daughter, to make the situation not a criminal one, but that He knew the outcome and He knew that we wouldn't let it lie. He doesn't want to see another family hurt by this criminal, and He knows we will continue to pursue it, as we feel it is the right thing to do. This is the only thing that gives me peace in the situation because my heart was completely broken last summer, we were hurt more deeply than can be put into words and we will not forget it. However, had that not been the case I would not be pregnant with my own biological child right now, so for that I am eternally grateful!

Interruptions

Usually I don't care for Mondays. I'm not a morning person and it means getting up and coming to work, but today is different. I don't know why and I can't say what has changed, but I am in better spirits. The Cowboys losing last night really helped, but I think that it began in church.

Our pastor talked about interruptions, and I definitely feel that my life has been interrupted. My plans have been interrupted, and my heart has been interrupted. He said that interruptions are opportunities to trust God, and when you look at it that way, it really changes the whole feel of these unwanted things. Our entire adoption experience seems to have been an interruption on our lives, something very unwanted, something difficult and awful, leaving us again broken hearted. Still, it was a great opportunity to trust God, and we continue to do so. Firmly believing that our role in that whole experience was to put and end to the terror that horrible Darla was, so that no other family would have to suffer at her psychotic plots, too bad her hideous mother isn't locked up with her! It was an interruption and seems to have derailed our path to parenthood yet again, but sometimes we have to realize that God's plans are bigger than ours.

I will say that I never care for my sleep being interrupted (not sure if I've mentioned before how much I love my sleep), and with that said, my sweet hubby is headed for another sleep study tomorrow night. Praying we can get a solution to his snoring, so the sleeping won't be interrupted any longer!!

On a super happy note, I will be attending three, yes, three home LSU games the next 3 weeks. OH HAPPY DAYS!!! Geaux Tigers!! Too bad I can't grab a Saints game at the same time. Post tomorrow on football season and all the reasons why I love it!!!

Service Men and Women

So, I have always truly valued those who serve this country. My Dad served in Viet Nam, as did my Father-in-Law. I have lots of friends whose family serve our country, and I know what a sacrifice it is for all of the family, not just the ones serving.

Tomorrow that service steps much closer to home for me. One of my youth is like family to Sean and I, kinda like a much younger brother. I adore him and he even lived with us for a little while when we moved to Tyler, his name is JZ, and tomorrow he leaves for Army basic training. To say that I'm proud of his decision would be a serious understatement. I know that his desire and passion for serving our country are straight from God and that he's put a lot of thought and prayer into this decision. I've watched him grow up so very much this last year and can't wait to see all that God does in his life! Please pray for his safety as we continue to pray for the safety of all of those who serve our country! Also remember his family when you are praying, as it's hard for all of us to see him leave! We will miss him terribly. We are blessed that so many put their lives on the line so that we can live a life of freedom, one that I think we too often take for granted!

Thank you God for our freedom and the people who help protect it!

**Above are just a few of my favorite photos of him! Top: Him at the first trip I went on with the youth group, yep, his hair is in a mohawk with lifesavers on the spikes (It's amazing I liked him at all after he gave me that look all week!). Left: Me, Him, and Derek at Camp Eagle. Right: being silly hanging out on one of our last nights before moving!

How do I say this?...

I'll just have to put it out there. I think that writing this will be therapeutic...

Our adoption was a scam. Literally, from the beginning, our birthmother never intended to give us the baby and has done this to another family previously. Wow! That was hard to write.

So, there it is in black and white. She is an actual criminal, not like ha!ha!, but seriously, it's like her career. I know she's read this before, which is where she began her attack on my family. So, if you're reading this, Darla, thanks for such a wild ride!

While I am very sad that we didn't end up with a baby, I also know that the best thing possible has happened. Had we given up in the process, this would never have been found out and she might be able to do this to yet another family. Throughout the whole process I was skeptical, there were lots of alarms about this little girl, and many times we wanted to bail. As I continuously prayed about the situation, I never was given confirmation to bail. I assumed that that was because regardless of her baloney, we'd end up with a baby in the end. Sometimes what we think are the purpose, and what really are, end up different. I believe in this case, our experience was to be able to help stop this girl from hurting anyone else (her rap sheet tells a story of the many people she's taken in her wake).

From early on, I said that I wanted to work on adoption reform, to decrease the chances for families (who desperately want children) being taken advantage of in return for monetary assistance. Currently in many states, a birthmother can be paid living expenses, medical expenses, and even more. Now, I will say that I am in no way bashing birthmothers, I know that there are some amazing women out there who lovingly gave their children better homes--I know quite a few of these adopted children and they are blessed! I am saying that there should be reform to decrease the birthmothers, who promise their children in return for money and then "change their minds" in the end. I'm certain that this happens out of the sheer inability to let go of their children most of the time, but then there are scammers, and people who just really aren't honest and are trying to get a buck without working for it. Then families like ours get pulled through the mud, lose our money that we worked hard for, and end up broken-hearted again.

Luckily, in this instance, I can see the purpose early on. It is refreshing to see all of the ways that God worked in this situation. We did prepare and decorate and buy clothes, but no one in our families truly believed that this adoption was going to happen (I may be speaking out of turn, but this is my blog!). I believe that the Holy Spirit kept our hearts guarded for a reason, so that the loss wouldn't be as great, and we would be able to recover. We [Reids and Troxclairs] are some serious fighters and overcome obstacles together. Sean and I are a pretty strong team, and continue to grow stronger as we face obstacles together. My husband is my greatest gift from God since I've been grown (see how I did that because my sister came when I was little!!). Secondly, God has also shown me that He can TRULY support me and hold me up if I'll only trust Him!

After my second loss, I was so angry with God, maybe I needed somewhere to focus it, but instead of clinging to Him, I blamed Him. This experience has been much different, as my faith has grown so much over the past year. Probably being so fully against our move yet seeing just how much God has done here, I've learned a lot about His sovereignty. Throughout this whole surreal experience I have had a calm and a peace. I knew that as many people as we had praying for this situation that the outcome, even if I didn't love it, would certainly be God's will for us. So, when the answer was NO, I was at peace.

Thank you so much to all of our friends and family who have been praying for us. Your love and support have helped sustain us as God's perfectly placed angels on earth! Continue to pray for our next steps in "Making Our Troxclair Family"!!

p.s. I know that some people are wondering if we will use the name Cala Fay with another baby, the answer is YES! This was NOT our Cala Fay (this baby has actually had another name all along used by her parents in maternity pictures that I found I might add!!). Our baby has yet to be put with us, but we BELIEVE that one day she will!

What to write

I've come and started a number of posts tonight, but there really aren't words for what I'm feeling right now. Or maybe it's just that they aren't words that I want to put on here.

So, I'll do what I usually do, and I'll just be honest. I just read Lori's blog where she tells the story of the birth and death of sweet Matthew. I bawled my eyes out. It was cathartic for me. Do you know that feeling where things are so very overwhelming that you know you need to cry, but you can't? That's where I was, so I thank her and her husband both for writing their story, so I could get out a good long cry.

I am a faithful person, and I know that God is good, and I know that fear is from the devil, but 'beans' if it doesn't just sneak up on you and sometimes swallow you whole. Somehow, satan keeps seeming to sneak in and steal my joy, to put all kinds of doubt in my mind, and to make me imagine that the worst is about to come. Maybe it is. Maybe July will come and we won't bring home a baby. These are my thoughts. I can't seem to stop them, no matter what I do. They stop for a day or two, maybe a few weeks, but then they come back and they torment me like some movie I've seen where evil spirits dance around someone. Maybe like in "Where the Wild Things Are" where they are dancing and singing around that little boy. Could it be that after so much loss and heartache in trying to become a mother, that I no longer believe that I can get my happily-ever-after? Some days that is how I feel. Today is one of those days. These days make you feel so isolated, so alone, so empty that you're not sure how to move forward. I don't care for these days even a little bit.

I continuously have to remind myself of the miracles that have already occured in my life. I remind myself that God is good, ALL THE TIME, that He is unchanging when everything around me is in constant flux. Whatever comes, whatever I face, whatever I'm tried with next is no match for my God. And I march forward. But for tonight, I'm exhausted, and NEED sleep, so I'm going to try that next.

This week was a beautiful one for me. I went on a mission trip to New Orleans, and I LOVE that city. I have for years, and have always wanted to live there, though that may never happen. To be able to go there and help provide a home for someone who doesn't have one, well, that my dear is just plain goodness. To see the hearts of the college students who went with us, to hear their love for God, to see the love that they continuously show to people around them regardless of that person's situation, that is priceless. Each day I am grateful that God has allowed me to work in youth ministry. Having two hilarious co-workers is just icing on that cake. I didn't want to move to Tyler, but I know I'm here for a reason and that God is so good.

(Sometimes you just have to write to get back into perspective!!).

Trouble in Paradise

Not that my life is complete paradise, but I consider myself quite blessed indeed!! I thank God daily for what He has blessed me with and know that He is so generous on my behalf.

With that said, our adoption seems to be heading south right now. It doesn't look as if it's going to happen, due to circumstances that were not brought about by ourselves. The demands that keep coming in and the correspondence that is being recieved are not favorable. That is actually putting it mildly, but I don't want to go into full details. I will ask for continued prayer for both of us, for the baby, and for the birthmother and the situation that she is facing.

That has been ongoing and then yesterday morning my husband called to tell me that my dog (we have 3, this one is MINE) who is 11 years old and has been my constant companion for all these years, is missing. He cannot be found anywhere! O'Brien (a.k.a. the Cutest Dog in America--I tell him everyday) wears a radio collar and it's huge and he won't go near the perimeter, but we're afraid the batteries died without our knowledge and that he wandered out of our yard. I can only pray (and ask for you to pray too) that some sweet person picked him up to keep him safe and they will return them when they see my huge 11X17 laminated posters up near our house! Please pray for his safe return as my heart is torn in two by not having my little guy here. I just hope he's safe, not hurt, and we can bring him home ASAP!!!

Please keep us in your prayers as these seem to be really trying times and we are desperately seeking God's will and His guidance, and trying not to control situations ourselves!

Thank you!!!

Mardi Gras Rock-n-Roll Half Marathon

So, I know some of you were awaiting this update, as you've seen my facebook statuses, and now some fabulous pictures (some not so fabulous, but running ain't all beauty peeps!!).

One year ago in February I accomplished something that I never dreamed in a million years I could do. I ran a half marathon. My first reaction was to burst into tears, seriously, there is nothing to explain it and no words to describe it, nor is there a more appropriate reaction! If you're not a distance runner and you see this, you think all of these people are nuts, but if you're a runner, you understand that adrenaline, and the pure ecstacy of accomplishing something that very few people actually do. A statistic I shared last year was that only 1% of the population completes a half marathon, and only .1% a full marathon! Amazing! It's torture, pure and simple, but it is the good kind of pain that you know you pushed yourself further than you ever believed you could go.

I had no real expectation for this half, this was my fifth, that's right, I did four last year, and I'm proud that I did. You can call it bragging, at this point I really don't care! Still, in coming to New Orleans I thought about the milestone that it was to have still been running for an entire year, to have run in races alone at least 65.5 miles (that's not including any other races or training), but I didn't know what the feeling would be at the end. I had dreams of a PR, but let me be honest and tell you that my training has not been up to par for setting a PR, but I finished and if you see pictures, I did it with a smile on my face (and gasping for air). When I crossed that finish line hand in hand with my sweet friend, Daniel, watching him complete his first half marathon, I knew some of his emotions, but wasn't prepared for mine. I was a mess, I was teary and couldn't breathe and overwhelmed yet again at what an accomplishment this was for me. I know there are plenty of people out there who do these more often and way faster than me, but that's the thing about running, for me, it's all about me. All about what I can accomplish and how far I can go. I would be remiss to say that this is all about me and not mention that at each race I run with Phillipians 4:13 on my hand, "I can do all things through Christ who strenthens me." There is an organization that is at every race with that logo, you should visit their website, and in running Sunday I saw a guy with one of their shirts, complimented him, and his response was this..."He is the only way I will make it to the end of this!". I told him I constantly pray, "Lord move my feet, Lord fill my lungs, Lord keep me safe" and He hasn't failed me yet. Seriously, nothing like completing one of these races, nothing at all and I give all the glory to God. First He gave me the desire that I prayed for, then he gave me great friends to train with, and He continues to inspire me and put great people in my life to help me along!!

So, will I do another? Hell yeah! I'm already planning it! Who's coming with me?!?!?

Prepping for Cala baby

I shocked that I'm going to have a baby in 106 days, if she goes to her due date! This path has seemed long and unending & it leaves you disillusioned and some say pessimistic. I (and those who've lost, or struggled with IF) will say we're cautious and sometimes we just can't believe it's finally happening for us!

For those of you who are now pregnant, or awaiting your adopted child, who by the way is fully yours, you just were blessed with a special delivery agent, I say I know your trepidation, I echo your broken scared hearts, but I pray we all throw caution to the wind and BELIEVE we too are going to get our happy endings.

I'm trying that now! I've started looking for furniture for Cala and picking everything from pack-n-plays to bouncy seats to diaper bags!!!! I'm enjoying it, but I'll say Baby Mama helps! She texted today and said 'i'm excited for you to be a mommy'! That's a plus! Adoption can be amazing!!!

I had a friend message me today and she said something that I found profound about adoption. She said she's watched so many special friends suffer through infertility while she's watched such undeserving peolple have children over and over, but that maybe our infertility was God's way of getting certain very special babies to these very special families, that maybe otherwisewe wouldn't have considered it at all! True true Dr. Gardner, thanks for the insight!

God is good all the time. All the time God is good! (Though some days it's way harder to see til you're way on the other side!!)

Babydust and love to you all!!

Monkeys and Moving forward

So in my last post I think I mentioned that I had purchased the monkey stuff that I wanted to put in the baby's bathroom. Actually, I just wanted the monkey stuff regardless, but it has started a little trend, wherein I'm just picking up little things that will one day belong to our baby. I'm not sure where our baby is right now, or when we'll be united with him or her (we could care less about gender), but it's kinda fun to do a little prepping for that special happy day whenever it happens!!

So, I'm going to post some pics of the bathroom and the cutest little monkey that I picked up at Lifeway today, that I just couldn't pass up!

In doing these things I feel like I'm moving forward. In looking around Lifeway today I wasn't sad when I came across the baby stuff, I was hopeful. Hopeful that there is a baby out there that is supposed to be part of our family and I got a little giddy thinking about it! It will be sooo fun to decorate and celebrate something we've waited for and prayed for for so long. My poor baby will probably grow to hate monkeys since I think they're so cute, but I'll keep getting them until he/she is old enough to pick something new! Of course, if we end up with a boy I think we'll have some serious talks about an LSU nursery (but I have some great monkey stuff picked out if we are blessed with a girl!!).

Sometimes it's so very hard to move forward when you feel so completely out of control, but I know that for today, that is what I need to do. It doesn't mean I don't miss my babies, or wish that things had turned out differently, but putting my focus elsewhere seems to be where God is calling me now.

Speaking of where God is calling me...Some of you know that my move was less than desireable on my part, but I will say with complete conviction now, that God has put me exactly where I'm meant to be for now!! Why do I say that?!? Well, this weekend I was part of a retreat to kick off a great girls youth ministry at the church here. We went out to a ranch, bunked up in cabins, had a guest speaker, no cell phone or electronics, great food, and just had girl/God time. It was glorious to say the least, and I felt very peaceful, like God had led me exactly where I am supposed to be (funny how that works!!). So, for now, while I am without my own biological children here on earth, I will love on these girls with all of the love that God puts in me!!