"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Memories I wasn't expecting...

***This post mentions pregnancy, but you may want to read anyway because that's not the focus***

I didn't realize when I started prepping for Cala to come all the emotions that I would be faced with. You see last summer I bought oodles of baby clothes, mostly because we weren't having any showers because we were adopting a baby and we never knew for sure if that would happen. There are always risks when adopting, but no one ever thinks that for approximately six months of their lives some sadistic girl would be manipulating them just for money. You think about the birth mother possibly changing her mind, which you can understand, as an infertile you could never imagine giving up a baby, so if someone else couldn't give up their child you can accept it and understand a little bit.

It is very different when someone has purposely crept into your life and taken advantage of the things that are most painful for you! I picked out clothing for a little girl that was supposed to come home with us last summer, but the truth is she was never supposed to come home with us. She was never our daughter, and that is sad too. It is sad that her mother committed crimes for money that are costing her daughter a mother. I think about that little girl often and pray for her because I can't imagine what it's like in her world, or how it will be in the future. I know that when I look at all of those darling clothes, some of which are gifts from people we love dearly, I know they are meant for Cala, who will be arriving in July of 2011.

I also know that the human part of me is still angry, not at all like I was, and the constant thoughts of it have dissipated (thank God, as only He could relieve them), but they are still there! I'm still bitter that we lost so much money, not because a mother couldn't bear to separate from her precious child that she had carried for nine months, nope, we are out all of that money so that some criminal could get extensions, fancy maternity photos, a 3D ultrasound, a nice apartment, multiple manicures, and spending money while she did absolutely nothing but harass me constantly. Yes, I'm still bitter about that.

I do firmly believe that the situation was orchestrated by God, that He gave her the opportunity to make the situation right, to make a good choice for her daughter, to make the situation not a criminal one, but that He knew the outcome and He knew that we wouldn't let it lie. He doesn't want to see another family hurt by this criminal, and He knows we will continue to pursue it, as we feel it is the right thing to do. This is the only thing that gives me peace in the situation because my heart was completely broken last summer, we were hurt more deeply than can be put into words and we will not forget it. However, had that not been the case I would not be pregnant with my own biological child right now, so for that I am eternally grateful!


  1. Did you know that the adoption credit can also be applied to failed adoptions? I think it is up to close to 12k now. Our adoption attorney told us this last year. May help relieve some, if not all, the lost money. I know it is hard. It was definitely hard for us too! So grateful that it led us both to where we are now though!

  2. While I do not know the pain you went through with that crazy woman and the disappointment (I can only imagine) I think that this post is full of poise and grace! What a great outlook- because you're right- you probably would not have had both and Cala is clearly meant to be in this world and in your arms. I don't know why things work the way they do, but I have chosen that same thought process- that had Andrew or E been here, Sean would certainly not be! That being said, I do think that it is important that you stop her from doing this to someone else. I certainly will be praying for that poor child too!

  3. I still think about what happened and how wretched that whole ordeal was. Your outlook is brilliant & right on, though. Now you will have your true Cala! She is meant for you and you for her! I do pray for that little girl whose mother seems to have made all the wrong decisions, though. I hope that good things will come to her, despite the things her mother has done. Very good post.

  4. I totally understand the mixed emotions...anger, followed by the the greatest gift that one could ever receive. You'll never forget how D abused your and Sean's hearts and the hurtful outcome, but as you say it was for a greater purpose. When the anger creeps in and you look in the rear view mirror take a deep breath and look down...rub your sweet baby girl and thank God for the miracle given following many storms.

    Can't wait to meet sweet Cala Fay very soon!


  5. I am so sorry you had to live though such a difficult adoption situation, it's just incomprehensible that someone could so cruel and manipulative. (Though, sadly, your story is not the only of this type of I've heard.) I am happy to hear there that the end of the rainbow is on its way for you.

  6. I have not had a failed adoption, but I can still relate to so many of these feelings.
    I am just so sorry that this happened to you.
    Praying for you, my friend.

  7. How awful! I can't even imagine going through such a terrible experience!