"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Remembrance Day

On this day every year there is a "gathering" of BLMs who take time to remember those babies we've lost. Typically I participate, change my profile picture and post here. Today I did not. I didn't change my profile picture or light candles or do anything in remembrance. 

The thing is there's rarely a day that goes by that I don't think of the two tiny beings that I held in my womb for 9wks 3days and 8w5d. Somehow in each day those babies, MY babies cross my mind. It's strange because grief can dwindle and you begin to think you're fine, but grief never disappears, it just lurks and hides until one day it knocks you on your backside again. Typically, I don't even recognize it at first, it's like an encidious smoke that begins to fill the air until it chokes you out. That's how it feels. That's how I feel sometimes. The invasion that comes seems to happen less frequently now, but that's what almost makes it worse. When grief is an all-consuming constant you know it is there and you accept it's presence. Appearing to leave and then creeping back in so slyly, it catches you off-guard, unaware, and unprepared to cope. 

For anyone who has lost a child this cycle is an ugly dance you're forced to dance forever. I hate that anyone I love knows or understands it, but I'm grateful for the blessings that have risen from the ashes of my loss and the friendships that have occurred with people who truly understand this "dance". 

Happiness is not at all void in your life just because grief is present.  Happiness and joy cloak me daily. I choose them both constantly and can't help but embrace them daily in my rainbow. Thank goodness there is joy, laughter, and happiness after the storm! Thank God for rainbows!