Still infertile

This post has been brewing for quite a while and so it will probably be all over the place, but here goes...

Some people may feel or believe or actually live that fertility is healed once you have a baby. And while a long present void is filled, that doesn't always make it "all better". Not everyone's body "now knows what to do" and so they miraculously get pregnant and their own. Some people do and that's amazing and wonderful for them, in fact, I'm quite jealous of those people, as I'd think they would be of me were the rolls reversed. 

However, for us, we did IVF in Oct of 2010 and had 8 embryos. We assumed we would end up with 3-4 children from those embryos. We were wrong. We have one child and no more embryos and the sting of infertility is fresh and painful and hard to navigate once again. The added pressure is that now we are not only concerned with the two of us, but we have a child who has mentioned siblings. She isn't flat out asking, but one night a few weeks ago as we left her best friends house I said in jest to my husband "who needs a sister when you have a best friend like that?" And from the back seat Sugar pipes "me! I do!". Talk about ripping at your heart. If you only knew sweet girl, if you only knew. And one day she will! We have always intended on being fully honest with her about our fertility struggles, but for now she's too young. 

So we face infertility still and it's difficult. It is particularly difficult when so many people who had babies around the same time as me have already had another baby or are about to. I don't begrudge them, the truth is I'm just jealous. I know the amazing blessing of a baby and I want that again. 

Only this time to face another full IVF cycle does not feel right. It does not feel peaceful and I do not have a sense of calm about it. I have said enough times that God gives you a gut instinct for a reason and I intend to follow this one for now. He may have something else planned for us and He may just be saying "wait" vs "no", but I believe had I listened to my gut even with our adoption attempt that the outcome would've been different. We both would've walked away early on and the toll might not have been so great on my heart. So I don't intend to push this agenda. 

That being said, not pushing my agenda and not immediately going for another full IVF and not knowing if we will ever have more children is a very hard place to be in and it is weighing heavy on my heart at times. Some days I am completely happy and at peace and know that I am Held by God. Some days I'm just as human as can be and I struggle and I'm sad and I question and I fight with God because I don't understand. However, I'm well aware that it's not for us to all understand. 

My second due date was December 31st  2009. I cannot help but think that I should be planning a 4th birthday party. Maybe a frosty the snowman theme with a hot chocolate bar? Maybe it would be ninja turtles or princesses? I'll never know and there are days that makes me very sad. 

I am also eternally grateful because I get to see the wonder in the eyes of a 2 year old this year and watch how magical this time of year should always be. I never want anyone to think I'm not grateful or happy, it's just that my life is a dichotomy always with babies in heaven and one blessing here with me! 

The holidays are such a blessing but also seem to bring to light even more those who are missing. My heart goes out to all of you who are missing a mother, brother, father, grandparent, sister, friend, or child this season. May God's spirit fill you with the peace that they are celebrating in the most grand style possible! I hope we can all use this holiday season to look at each other through the eyes of God and know that what you see is never all of someone's story.  If someone is short or unkind to you, if someone refuses to smile, to share your ideas, or to participate in things the way you feel they should, may we demonstrate Grace and Love because we have no clue where their hearts are currently! 

IVF thoughts...

I've had this post ruminating around in my head for months now, mostly because I keep hearing dumb comments in regards to IVF.

Lots of people seem to think, well, my friend so&so did IVF and they have a baby, why don't you just do that?  Here are some things you may not know about IVF, that may make you a little less inclined to suggested it to an infertile person (who I assure you has already considered it in some way, shape, or form, you did NOT bring the thought to their mind!).

1.  It costs thousands of dollars, and no not like two of those thousands, try 10 of those thousands and upwards.  One friend I have it cost her $30,000.  Yes, THIRTY THOUSAND dollars, that is a years salary!!!!!

2.  It is HARD on a woman's body.  You are basically chemically controlling things that should happen naturally, like turning off their cycle, then revving it back up turbo charged to "get the most eggs" and then slamming it back to a halt again.

3.  Needles, do any of you have needle phobia?  Try overcoming that to give yourself (or you husbands giving your trembling wife) up to 3 shots per day.  I pulled out my paperwork, so I wouldn't under or over estimate the number of shots that are given during a cycle.  Mind you, I was on the lowest dose of meds they give (and I'm forever grateful and think women who do the mega doses and do this over and over without having a baby are stronger than any of these women who have a drug free birth).  In my low dose cycle I gave (or Foxy gave) me a total of 56 shots, either in my stomach or my hips.  I should've been on the progesterone shots for another 2-3 weeks, but they were breaking my hips out so badly that I couldn't sit in a chair or lay on either hip (which is relatively impossible).  Since I had to stop those I got some extra suppositories to make sure my levels stayed up, because the meds for IVF stop your production of progesterone which is ABSOLUTELY necessary for pregnancy!

4.  Steroids, anyone have to take those for an illness?  Yep, and you revel in the fact that for 24 hours you get a LOT done because they make you wired!!!  Well, when you take them for 63 days, they make you hungry--ALL THE TIME--hence a 15.5lb weight gain prior to even getting pregnant.  They make you retain water and swell, so no clothes fit you.  They give you insomnia, for which there is NO medicine that will help.  And for those who the IVF doesn't work for that first time, you still look like you might be pregnant and your clothes don't fit, with nothing to show for it, but a few thousand dollars down the drain and another broken heart.

I say all of this to say that women who have done this over and over again are my heros.  They know the true cost of being a parent, as none of it is about you.  It's not about your pain, your discomfort, your time being taken away, your sleepless nights, your drained bank account, none of that matters for a mommy.  These women demonstrate the sacrificial heart of a true mother long before (and if ever) a baby comes into their homes.  When you say things like "you'll understand when you have a child" this is one of the MOST insulting things you could tell one of these women.  For they've given up their vacation time for doctors appointments, they have to schedule each day around giving their shots at the same time, some days multiple times.  I had a friend last week tell me she showed cheek in her husband's work parking lot, because she needed a shot and he wasn't done with work, that's the kind of things that an IVF mom does to have a baby.  They test their marriages to the limits, and many do not survive, so a big shout out to those who do and are stronger for it, I can name quite a few couples that I admire for the strains their marriages have survived and the effort and love that is there (what a testament to their children one day!).  And while you complain about pregnancy hormones making you crazy, I double dog dare you to take these hormones and have any resemblance to your former self (and I can say that as I've been on both sides, promise you without a doubt the drugs are worse than pregnancy hormones).  While you complain about being pregnant in hot summer months, they deal with hot flashes just like menopause without a promise of a cute cuddly one to love at the end!  So your face and your back and your chest are broken out while you're pregnant, it is gross and uncomfortable, but you're pregnant and you will (most likely) have a baby at the end, while many women have these effects from the hormones and come home empty handed with a pee stick that has "not pregnant" in bold to taunt them for their efforts.  Another friend had a failed IVF and received the bill monthly for the loan they took out to cover their costs, how would you like that?  A bill for no baby.  (Please don't compare this to your hospital bill you still receive after your baby is born--your baby is there smiling up at you!).

I consider myself one of the MOST blessed people in the world honestly, because I haven't gone through this over and over with poor results and I am certainly not complaining, but I would like others to know how hard it is for an infertile who is trying desperately to have a baby, to hear you complain about an epidural, or the heat, or your bad skin, or your heartburn, or your vomiting, or your constipation.  I know the list of ailments goes on and on and on for a pregnant woman, rough stuff that truly makes the fact that pregnancy is categorized as a "Disease" in medical texts all too true!  But before you complain, before you regale your list of what you won't do (like be big pregnant in the heat of the summer, or go 40 full weeks in pregnancy), please consider who you are talking to, and maybe take it to someone else!

I continue to pray for all of my infertile sisters out there who continue to walk this path and try with all their might to achieve what comes so easily for so many others!  Concurrently, I will continue to help educate people on this rough road, and learn from the things that I have experienced!

I did IVF, I had the best outcome possible, but someone slap me if I ever utter the phrase "Why don't you JUST do IVF??".

In honor of NIAW

That is National Infertility Awareness Week.

I have had some of these thoughts swirling around in my head for a while and thought, "what better time to post than now?"

A blog I follow had a wonderful post today and I wanted to send you there to read that as she is currently battling infertility and had a quite enlightened post so visit cgd here and read her post on IF myth (April 25th post).

She really nails a lot of the details of facts surrounding IVF.  She's somewhat of an expert at this point and drives home in an eloquent way, that IVF is in fact, not for everyone.

Here are some things that I feel about infertility:

1.  It is immensely lonely, that is why people who "meet" on the internet through IF circumstances feel instantly bonded, because so many people do NOT understand.
2.  People try so hard to say the right things and mostly end up hurting us worse.
3.  Just because something worked for your mom/sister/cousin/co-worker doesn't mean it will work for me, and I promise, you don't suddenly have a new idea that hasn't already been tried or crossed an IFers mind, so please refrain.
4.  Please don't ever use the phrase, "Why don't you just fill in the blank (adopt, relax, use a surrogate, do IVF)".  Just implies that we haven't tried hard enough, cared enough, put in enough effort, etc.  It is insulting.
5.  Don't compare what we're going through to something you went through that is unrelated or even related, but not the same.  (I read tons of blogs, and try to NEVER say, well when I had/did/etc. because it's painful and pointed, as if again we haven't done enough).
6.  If you haven't experienced infertility or loss, please don't give suggestions or advice, as we don't give them about things we have no experience with.

When we set out to adopt, we never dreamed that we would be swindled out of thousands of dollars and left heartbroken, deceived, and empty armed, that was not the experience anyone else had told us about.  When my friend's mom adopted 27 years ago, she never dreamed she's be dealing with her son's birth mother grieving his death as well, and feel obliged to comfort her through her own grief.  I know lots of beautiful adoption stories!  One of my pledge sisters is adopted (actually two) and they have had nothing but positive experiences, they are beautiful, happy, well-rounded individuals, who know that was God's plan for their lives.  My sweet friend, Amanda, adopted one of the cutest kids you'll ever see and so far it's been a fairytale (since paperwork was finished etc, up until then--nightmare).  Adoption is not an easy road.  I have a friend adopting right now, and the baby was born on Friday and she didn't find out until today--do you have any clue what that does to a mother?  (And please don't say she doesn't even know that baby yet, she's been preparing for months!).  Adoption is beautiful and wonderful and a blessing and it is absolutely the plan God has for some people, but it is NOT for everyone, so suggesting that to anyone who is struggling to have a baby is actually rude.

On another note, suggesting surrogacy is also not ok, yes, we've thought about it!  Yes, it worked for SJP and Nicole Kidman (did you see how the press attacked her?!!?).  Have any of you been watching Brothers and Sisters and seen what's going on there with the surrogate--and please don't tell me that's just tv, where do you think they got the idea?  That happened to someone--seriously, and while it may turn out all fine and blah blah blah, you have no idea how that being taken advantage of can damage your trust of humans, how it can rip your heart out.  I also ask if any of you knows the costs of surrogacy???  It starts--STARTS at $60K.  What?!?!  Very few people have that kind of disposable cash (hence the SJP's and NK's doing it, not your cousin or BFF).  Then there are so many other things to think about.  Can you use your eggs, his sperm, a donor, a friend, how will you tell your child/children when they get older?  None of these things cross your mind usually until the deed is done and then you have to worry about it later!

IVF--been there, done that and can tell you, that's no picnic either.  The drugs alone are $$$ and they hurt, and I'm no wuss with needles.  The stress of giving yourself shots daily at the right time can also send you into a tail spin of fear and panic, seriously, I was a nervous wreck the whole time, not to mention the time I actually left my meds at home when I went out of town--WRECK--as my hubby!!!  There is so much stress, so much pressure on you and your husband to do things right, to not forget anything, and for it to WORK.  It strains any relationship, and there is nothing romantic about having a catheter inserted in your privates to 'place' your embryos there.  Not to mention the things the hormones do to your body (and I wasn't on a high dosage), but they make you crazy!  And if you looked at the above mentioned article you know that success rates aren't always in some one's favor. Believe me we thank God daily that we were in the 'lucky' group, honestly, I've read so many things of people who were not that that will scare the begeezus out of you too!  I've also known of plenty of people to get pregnant and not take home a baby, so it's not a cure all.  This doesn't even scratch the surface of all the available fertility treatments or the questions and issues that arise from each one, ethical, moral, and monetary concerns that come up, but that would be a much longer post! :)

What about Foster Parenting?  I believe people who do that are Saints in most cases (I've heard of abuse and the like, but in general, they are amazing!).  I've worked with children in foster care doing speech therapy, and the things they endure with these children is mind boggling.  And just take this one scenario, you have a wonderful child come live with you, you nurture them, get them on a good track, they are healing emotionally, and you are in love---Then, they are returned to the home that made them hurt in the first place.  No thank you for me, I'm not saying it's not a good thing, again I think people who do this are Saints, I'm entirely too selfish.  Check out the post on www.rantsfrommommyland.com titled Domestic Enemies of Foster Parents.

Some other things that are good to know... It doesn't help when you say things like "Well, at least you can still go on trips when you want to", "Be glad you get to sleep 8 hours every night", "I'd kill for a completely quiet house", "You can have one of my kids" (seriously, would you give us one?  Because we'll honestly take one off of your hands if they put you out that much!), "At least you still have your body".  These things are shallow and void.  Most of us would give anything to carry a baby, or adopt a baby (without complications), or whatever it took.  We are actually jealous that you are having sleepless nights, feeling like crap while pregnant, or missing a tropical vacation to have a child look at you and tell you they love you!  There is no amount of discomfort we wouldn't endure to have a child depend on us, look at us adoringly, or run screaming through target from us!

So, to end this long rant of my own, please don't brush off infertility with a comment that can hurt someone.  It is emotionally damaging, it is isolating, and it is one of the hardest things a marriage can endure (if it does endure that is).  Sometimes people just need to talk about how they feel, what they miss, and how they wish things were different.  Give them that opportunity, or point them my way--I'm always open for a good chat! :)

I believe it's time...

to let you know that there is a baby Troxclair on the way! I am 12 weeks pregnant today! We are very excited and have had great appointments throughout this entire pregnancy (today was our 5th u/s, so lots of pics of baby T). If you look over at the new page I've made it tells the whole story of this pregnancy. After the Natural Killer Cell hyperactivity diagnosis, Dr. S (the RE in Dallas) recommended IVF, as there are meds that need to be administered at very specific times, and he felt this was our best option. We did that, actually a Micro IVF, which uses lower doses of meds (thank goodness! as I overstimulated). So, I've been writing entries and not publishing them, but I wanted to have record of the whole process, so check out Additional Info on my homepage.

I know this news is hard for some people to read, and believe me I completely understand, and while I hope you'll all continue to follow, I completely understand if you can't right now. I won't give any flowery words about how your time is coming and all the positive crap because I know that it really doesn't help at this point. The only advice I do have is this...if you have seen an RE and had a horrible experience, felt like they weren't listening, thought maybe you were at a cattle ranch being herded through, or have been doing the same thing over and over, there is hope. Try to find another RE, as not all of them are most interested in making money! I highly recommend the Sher Institutes (www.haveababy.com). And I wish you good luck!!!

I don't want this blog to be all about baby, so when we know what we're having we will be starting a blog just for our child and future children! I'll put some u/s pics up there when I make it!

***for anyone who wants to see them, there are u/s pics now on the additional info page at the bottom***

Lonely

That word seems to penetrate the world of people with fertility issues. We all blog and we share and we comfort each other, but this road is lonely! Each person experiences this differently and though we share experiences, no two cases are exactly the same! In talking to my great friend C that I've been friends with for years now, who is starting the IVF journey, she said it, she feels so lonely!! We talk a lot about how we feel and we share experiences, but it is still lonely! Infertility is lonely. It's so lonely that I hate to write the word even!

Everyone's road is different and I respect them all. One may not be right for me that is right for you, and my journey into adoption may not be right for other people. Adoption is in itself different for everyone. For us, we are super-blessed, very greatful to have found a great birthmother who is sweet, funny, smart, and organized. Those are traits that I think fit well with our family and we are greatful!

I want to share that this journey itself is a lonely one as well. The ins and outs of adoption are so complicated, and you have to travel that road and figure it out as you go. I wish I could tell you that it's simple and cut and dry but it's not. It's lonely to not know how to handle each situation and to have to figure it out. I want to emphasize that it is hard for me, for Sean, for Baby Mama, for our birthfather, for my family and friends, for Baby Mamas family and friends. In our situation it's hard to watch her go through this and hard for us to go through it as well. We are thrilled to be adopting Cala, we know she's meant to be in our family, but I don't want to mislead anyone into thinking this is super easy.

Every step of this infertility is hard and each part of the process has to be navigated, some parts are easier than others, but they all must be taken to reach our baby dreams!

So, here's to those lonely steps that bring us to our babies and to knowing that ultimately, regardless of how lonely we've felt, God never leaves us alone.