Year in Review 2010

I'm going to make this short and sweet...

Bad things in 2010:

1. O'Brien dying. This was really the worst thing of the year. That may sound ridiculous, considering #2, but when you're a dog lover and had a dog for 11 years, the loss is profound! I think about him everyday, literally every single day. When I pulled out my Christmas things his stocking was in there and his little Bah Humbug hoodie (which he hated, but was perfect for him), and I cried a river of tears for my little guy!

2. Our adoption that was a scam (sadly today I came across more ultrasound pics, which I thought I had gotten rid of, and it just baffled me to think that someone could be so very intentionally cruel). I feel like I'm over the anger most of the time, but sometimes it just overwhelms me again!

Good things about 2010:

1. I got a job at the church doing exactly what I've been wanting to do for a few years now, overseeing all of the girls ministry activities! Bonus: I love the people I work with!

2. I started making friends in Tyler, which was a must! Thanks to Kristi for making me feel so welcome and always making me laugh. Also got to meet a fellow BLM, Brittany, who is like a sister now and we have a blast together, I think, even when we're sad about our babies!

3. After losing O'Brien we got O'Hara. She is a bag of handful and more of a diva than anyone I know, but she's pretty cute and entertaining too. Still, like children, one animal never replaces another!

4. Hubby got a new partner at work, which lightened the load, at least for a little while!

5. My Fab5 (other 4) encouraged me and helped me to find a great RE, who I saw in September initially (following a rave recommendation from sweet Amy). We had testing done, found our culprit and how to treat it. This leads to #6...

6. We are pregnant and farther along than we've ever been with things looking great. We are thankful beyond words, and I wish that I could give this gift to every BLM out there who is still waiting on their rainbow baby!

These are just highlights, there are many more good things that happened this year (my getting to go to 4 LSU games, only one of which we lost), and for all of the blessings, and all of the wonderful people in our lives I'm soooo full of joy!

I believe it's time...

to let you know that there is a baby Troxclair on the way! I am 12 weeks pregnant today! We are very excited and have had great appointments throughout this entire pregnancy (today was our 5th u/s, so lots of pics of baby T). If you look over at the new page I've made it tells the whole story of this pregnancy. After the Natural Killer Cell hyperactivity diagnosis, Dr. S (the RE in Dallas) recommended IVF, as there are meds that need to be administered at very specific times, and he felt this was our best option. We did that, actually a Micro IVF, which uses lower doses of meds (thank goodness! as I overstimulated). So, I've been writing entries and not publishing them, but I wanted to have record of the whole process, so check out Additional Info on my homepage.

I know this news is hard for some people to read, and believe me I completely understand, and while I hope you'll all continue to follow, I completely understand if you can't right now. I won't give any flowery words about how your time is coming and all the positive crap because I know that it really doesn't help at this point. The only advice I do have is this...if you have seen an RE and had a horrible experience, felt like they weren't listening, thought maybe you were at a cattle ranch being herded through, or have been doing the same thing over and over, there is hope. Try to find another RE, as not all of them are most interested in making money! I highly recommend the Sher Institutes (www.haveababy.com). And I wish you good luck!!!

I don't want this blog to be all about baby, so when we know what we're having we will be starting a blog just for our child and future children! I'll put some u/s pics up there when I make it!

***for anyone who wants to see them, there are u/s pics now on the additional info page at the bottom***

Pregnancy abounds...

but not yet for me. I have debated over and over on this post, and in favor of being honest and saying what so many people can't seem to say, here it is...

Four of my dearest friends are pregnant, I've found this all out in a matter of weeks. I can't begin to tell you what this does to me, it's such a happy time, so wonderful for them and such a blessing! Still, it is completely overwhelming for this girl who has watched 44 months pass with only 2 positive pregnancy tests and countless other babies born. Two of these friends are having their second babies, one is a BLM, and one has been trying for a long time and endured much heartache waiting for her dream to come true too. Having these friends have their dreams come true does give me hope, helps me know that dreams do come true, but it really is hard. The hard part is watching what I so desperately want happen to other people while it doesn't happen to me. It's so hard to have to defend myself, or feel the need to defend myself because I can't always jump up and down with joy for someone else, to feel bad because I can't be sympathetic about their pregnancy woes (because I'd kill for nausea, or sleep deprivation, or to have to pass on the delicious medium steak and goat cheese potatoes that I had for dinner--yummy!), to be unable to ask questions some days, and to continuously feel lapped.

I am trying very hard to be supportive, but some days are really hard, some days I see a baby that is the age that either of my children would be and I'm a mess. All of these friends have been exceptional to me through all of the loss we've endured. Each of them has asked me more than once how I feel, listened to me cry, and supported me, which is why I'm trying really hard to be as supportive of them as they've been to me. It does make a difference that these girls have been such great friends to me, it makes supporting them much easier, but it doesn't make it easy.

If you are pregnant and you have a friend who is desperately trying to get pregnant, or who has experienced loss, please know that they aren't trying to be hateful to you, that they aren't NOT happy for you, that they aren't mean horrible people. We are human, we are hurting, we are trying to navigate this life that no one would ever choose, and that we are clueless on how to get through. There is no manual on how to be a great friend to your friend who losses a baby, nor is there one on how to be a good friend when your friend has a baby and you don't. Please be patient with us, and know that we do love you, we are happy for you, but that grief is a devastating thing that sometimes controls us far more than we can control!

P.S. Special thank you to my sweet friend Rachel at Triplet Butterfly Wings for the butterfly release in honor of Layla and Michael (picture above).

Asking for Prayers

As I continue to be surrounded by so much love and support from all of my family, friends, and fellow bloggers/blms, I wanted to ask for prayers today.

Sean and I are trying our hand again at the whole baby having thing. So, if you will lift us up in prayer for this endeavor, we would be grateful, as we have been for all of your prayers. It is still our dream to have our own children and I now have the courage to try again.

We are still in talks about adopting, and believe that it continues to be something that our family will do. Right now, we're debating domestic vs. international, and which agencies we want to investigate. For the moment, we need a break from that though, our recent experience is too raw to dive in head-first again just yet!

I hope everyone has a glorious weekend, mine is starting early as I head home to visit with some friends and as my Granny always said, go to the beauty shop! HaHaHa!! I'll have pictures to share afterwards!!

Pregnancy Announcements abound

They are getting easier to hear, but they still sting. And it does seem like they are everywhere right now. Most of the ones I've heard lately are from fellow BLMs, which makes them so very bittersweet. There is nothing more that I wish for my sweet friends. Some of them are announcements that I'd rather not hear, and some make me really sad that it's not my announcement. Maybe that will always be the case, but I'm sure once Cala is here and in my arms, the announcements won't be nearly as hard to hear.

This brings me to a blogpost that I read just now on Anchored By Hope, you should check out the poem, it's very insightful!

We had a good time last night with friends here in Tyler and I was very happy that my dearest friend, Shawn, came over from Shreveport. I miss her a lot and it was just good to have her here and comfortable to have someone who knows you well enough to know that the reason you really like Drug Emporium is because they have cinnamon Certs (no one carries those anymore and they're my fav!!). I'm very blessed with very great friends, and Shawn is loyal beyond what could ever be expected.

When I mention a friend on here, I'm always worried that someone will get their feelings hurt that they weren't mentioned, that's not my intention, like I said I have many many many great friends that bless me beyond measure.

In saying that I'd also like to say Happy 3rd Birthday to my sweet godson, Henry, who is about the cutest little boy that you've ever seen, and I'm not biased! ;)

Finally, I want to just say thank you to everyone who has been praying for us lately. I know that you've been praying for a long time, but this past week I've been so filled with peace and calm, that I know that it has to be attributed to intercessory prayer, so thank you, ALL of you!!

Just an update on Me

I wanted to clarify first for anyone who is confused, as I didn't realize that it would be confusing, but Cala is pronounced like the lily.

Then onto what's going on with me. I started a new job this past week. I'm assistant to the Youth Director over girls ministry at Marvin UMC in Tyler. This truly is a dream come true. Those of you who know me, know what a passion I have for youth and how much I love working with them. My kids at First were a huge part of my life and I miss them soooo much! I try to keep up with them as much as possible, thank you Facebook for making it easier! I got to see some of them this weekend while I was at home, which was very nice especially since it was two of my girls turned 18 on Sunday, and one of my girls who is in college was home too! So, the new job is an answered prayer and a blessing. Also, it's only part-time, and won't be during the summer, so I'll be able to bring sweet Cala home and spend some time with her completely uninterrupted (then go back to work when school starts again, but she'll probably go with me!). God knows what He's doing all the time and takes care of us! This wouldn't have been possible in Shreveport, so again I give Him all the credit and the glory!

Everything is still looking good for the adoption. I've talked to Baby Mama and she's having a rough time right now, but nothing to do with the pregnancy or giving Cala up, she even signs her emails "Baby Mama & Cala". I ask that you keep her in your prayers. We are still trying to get all of our side organized so that we can help her out some more. Baby Mama says she won't be changing her mind, as she knows that this is best for Cala and that she's happy to have found the perfect parents for her. I can hardly believe that this is happening for us after all that we've been through. Not actually being pregnant myself also makes it harder to internalize, as I really have no daily proof staring me in the face! Though I'm still planning stuff, we haven't picked out furniture yet, but we will do that soon. We saw that there is a Cribs Galore in Tyler, so we'll check that place out and see how it is!!

This next part I will put a disclaimer on, for those of you who haven't experienced loss, or the heartache of infertility, you will just never know what it's like and please note that I am very happy for everyone who is expecting, but that doesn't make it easy for me.

This weekend I experienced two pregnancy announcements. Both people I'm very happy for, especially one as she is a twice babylost mommy with one earthly angel child. She's preggo with twins, and I'm elated for her, and I'll admit a bit jealous. The thing about these pregnancy announcements is that I can't help but have that twinge of 'why not me?'. I've written about that before. I'm thrilled that we are adopting, I think that Cala was meant for our family, and I know that if my pregnancies had worked out and Layla or Michael were here, we probably wouldn't have considered adoption. So, again, that God knows what He's doing, and I feel blessed that He thinks enough of me to make me part of His plan. But it still doesn't make the pregnancy announcements easy. It happens so easily for so many other people, even some people who have lost and then get pregnant again so quickly, it's like it was a 3 month set back for them and here I am 9 months after loss still not expecting again, as are some of my sweet friends, and it breaks my heart for myself, and for them, and moreso for others who aren't even 'paper expecting' (that's some adoption lingo!!). I know that when you've lost you just hurt to hear new announcements. I wonder is it hard for my unexpecting, babylost friends to hear that I am getting my rainbow baby too? I'm happy for me, and at the same time sad for them. I want to talk about my baby, but I don't want to cause them any pain at the same time.

Then there's the fact that I'm not actually pregnant and most people are as excited for me as they would be did I have a baby in my belly, but you can sense in some voices, that they are scared for me too. They don't have that excitement, they aren't wanting to hear all about it, as if it's not mine to be excited about. My sweet kindred spirit, Andrea, said the perfect thing to me yesterday, she said, "This baby girl is soooo special Deni and don't let anyone rob you of feeling this great joy!". Well, how can you even think of anything but great joy when you have friends who support you like that?!?! And then there's Shandrea, who says she smiles everytime she thinks about my adoption! Thank you to those of you who are without fail the constants in my life!! Thank you for understanding that just because I'm sad for me, doesn't mean I'm not happy for you. Thank you for showing as much emotion as you do, for trying to talk me into baby showers because you believe that this is going to happen. Thank you all for letting me vent when I need to, for letting me laugh a lot, and for letting me be alone when I need that too! Thank you to those of you who are already planning all the great gifts for Cala and adding her to your prayer lists too! She is going to be the light of my life, and I can't wait to meet her face to face.

Last thought, if any of you know anything about breastfeeding adopted children, please pass it on. I've ordered a couple of books about it and am researching that option!!

Congrats to the new mommies to be! Love and hugs to my babylost mommy friends who are hurting and waiting!

Also, CONGRATULATIONS TO DEM BOYS!!! The SAINTS did us proud! Bless you boys! I'm sad to not be at the Saints parade in NOLA tonight, but hopefully the sister will take good pictures!! WHO DAT?!?!?

Big News!!! Part 2

Well, Saturday Baby Mama texted and said she felt horrible, she had been vomiting all day, couldn't hold down anything and was just plain crummy feeling! So, we talked a few times, Sean advised, and seeing as she couldn't keep anything down or otherwise, he suggested transdermal phenergan (stop puking meds, you rub on your wrists). Well, that has to be made at a compounding pharmacy, and none were open on a Saturday, so she decided she needed to go to the hospital, which I supported (obviously!!). We ended up talking to her OB who said to go in to the Labor & Delivery unit where she would be having the baby, they would admit her give her fluids, and some meds IV. They were fabulous, we had sweet nurses who took great care of her and some cool things happened.

First, for me personally, Baby Mama was being asked all kinds of questions about the baby, and she referred them all to me, as those would be my choices! That was very special for me and made the whole situation seem even more real.

Secondly, there was an exciting opportunity for Sean and I both (who wasn't there with us, he was helping friends 'move'). I'll give you the low down...

We are friends with Baby Mama's OB, which is how we got in contact with her in the first place (maybe I need another entry just about that, maybe later). So, OB is texting me...

OB: I'm coming up there in a little while...

Me: Ok, but you don't have to do that

OB: What? Come up there? I'm anxious to see yall but I guess I can wait til Wednesday. :) I don't think she needs to stay...

Me: I don't want you to get out just to come up here, but we can't wait to find out what the baby is!!!

OB: I could scan if I came...:)

Me: We would let you!!!

Baby Mama: (poor thing half asleep in phenergan) that would be so sweet since Sean won't get to be there on Wednesday (very slowly, little doze)...I'm so excited!

Anyhow, needless to say, we got Sean's happy self up there and OB came and did the scan, and the machine wouldn't print, though we took pictures on my iphone (I'm too unsavvy to get them up here!!). The fact that Sean actually got to be there and then tell our friends was so exciting and special! We will never forget that and we love OB for doing that for us, and Baby Mama for agreeing, being so excited in her haze, and for pointing out before I even said it that it would allow Sean to be there when we found out! See why we love her!!!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you all want to know what we're having....




















It's a GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!