IBLMD

Today is International Babylost Mother's Day! How beautiful is that? Someone cared enough about us to declare a day, and even if we are the only ones who celebrate, who cares, I know that there are people out there celebrating me as a mother. I wanted to share the pictures that Blue Sparrow did for me (and all the BLMs that blog together/walk this road together). Thank you, I know you know how much this means to me!

NIAW

Today I will write about something very near and dear to my heart (that may be the wrong words). It's National Infertility Awareness Week! Not that infertility is anything to rejoice about, but I am happy to know that awareness is at least increasing! For years people didn't talk about cancer either, as if it were contagious if mentioned, or as if anyone had any control over it! I pray that the level of awareness for infertility can be raised as well. Infertility is not contagious (though many people who went to college where I did around my age, think something may have been in the water), nor is it something that can be controlled. Infertility affects all kinds of people, fat, skinny, tall, short, athletic, sedintary, healthy, unhealthy, happy-go-lucky, pessimistic. Infertility has no shame, no agenda, it's not hereditary in most cases (there are some genetic markers in some rare cases), and it shouldn't be taboo. Women and men who face this awful disease experience stress levels equivalent with cancer and death of a loved one (thanks Leah).

I just want to give some of the feelings that IF people feel. There is the death of a dream, even if you go on to get pregnant eventually and have a healthy baby, your road wasn't like your friend who got pregnant month two trying and had no problems. Your view of your body is never the same, and you never trust it again. You feel ashamed, as this is what your body was MADE to do and it's not working, and though you know you can't do anything about it, you're ashamed and feel like less of a woman/man. You become a jealous person, a very jealous person in lots of cases. I'm not typically a jealous person, I believe that I live a pretty charmed life, but I am jealous of the majority of pregnant people and have been since September of 2008 and even some before then. It's not that you're not happy for others, but you want what they have so badly, you can't control it, it's primal. (You can read the stories in the bible of Sarah, Rachel, and Leah, and the things they did concerning having children, and know it goes back ages in time). You are frustrated and hopeful, then lose hope! With each new test or thing to try, you gain hope, but are frustrated, and when that things doesn't work, you are again hopeless. It is a yoyo, rollercoaster, time warp that you hate, and yet you can't get off of it EVER. I know people who've gone on to have children and their children are grown, and they still feel, infertile. Infertility, though it may resolve, lasts forever on your heart. You wouldn't expect someone who had beat cancer to forget it and move on, you would probably even expect them to continue to fear it slightly, you wouldn't expect someone who lost a love one to forget them and move on, and yet the emotional and psychological ramifications of infertility are as strong and most people try to sweep it under the rug.

I know as a non-infertile, it's uncomfortable to you, and you don't know what to say, and you don't want to make an IF uncomfortable, but ignoring it doesn't help either.

You can say things, things that are helpful, which tend to be simple questions, (please leave out suggestions, we know you're trying to help, but if you are infertile, you have already thought of ALL of that, even if you can't admit it to yourself). A simple, 'How are you feeling?', 'Any yucky days you've had that you'd like to vent about?', 'Would you like to talk about where you are in your process?'. Those kinds of things make us feel heard, not judged (because no matter what we feel judged), or contagious!

I give examples and encourage things, as I know so many people don't know what to say, and I know that it's awkward, but I also know that our lives can feel so lonely, so avoided, so unheard. I do not pretend to know about divorce, or losing a parent, or a child (that was born), or anything that I haven't experienced, as that's not my area, so please don't think I think I'm all knowing. I just pray that the experiences I've had can help someone else, whether it's to help another IF, or BLM feel no so alone, or to help those that love us know what to say, that's my mission, that's my goal, that is the legacy I want to leave for the children I've lost!

Thanks for reading, thanks for following suggestions and helping others. I have people call me often and say things like "my friend's friend lost a baby, what should she do?" or "what should I say to 'person' who has lost a baby?", these things mean the world to me, as I feel like I'm helping and I thank you for being such big wonderful people that you're willing to learn and get out of your comfort zone for the sake of someone else! Blessings to all of you, God is using you in His ministry!

Baby Showers

I was reading over at Moments of Pause and in a response to some questions she talked about Baby Showers. It struck a chord with me, so I decided to write about that.

I know that for most people who don't lose babies, that the "Baby Shower" sounds delightful, and is highly anticipated, to have everyone 'oooh' and 'ahhh' over your cute baby stuff.

Literally I have a pit in my stomach right now thinking about it. It makes me feel ill to think about a baby shower. Attending one, or having my own. There I said it. That's the truth. This is my heart right now. If you've never lost a baby, you've never had to hide the gifts that people have given you just so you wouldn't burst into tears over and over. If you've never lost a baby, you don't realize that just because there is a shower, doesn't mean a baby is coming home with you. You are blissful and enjoy each moment.

If you have lost a baby, you know these realities all too well, you are terrified to buy anything, you are terrified to say anything, you are terrified to prepare because you know that within minutes it can all be gone. So, for me and other baby lost moms, the idea of a baby shower is not just scarey, it's downright sickening. Going to them and celebrating for someone else what your heart so longs to do and to have is not just unpleasant, it's torture. There are cases where that isn't as bad as others, but in general, this is truth for us babylost moms. Having your own shower, and thinking of what you would have to do with all that 'stuff' if your baby doesn't come home with you is even more horrific.

Mulitple people have asked about doing a baby shower for us, for our impending adoption. Thank you all, as I know it comes from a deep love for us and a genuine desire to celebrate with us, but we cannot do it. This is an adoption, and all adoptions can fall through, some call this pessimistic, for me it is the truth. So, I'd prefer not to have any more 'stuff' from loving well wishers until we bring our daughter home, simply because if we don't get to bring her home, my heart will be broken again, and I only have so much room to store stuff that will keep it out of sight.

I know this seems like a bummer post, and for that I'm sorry. I've had a rough couple of days, no reason, that's just how grief is, but I wanted to share this, so that some people might be able to understand how people who've suffered loss, or infertility might actually feel. It has nothing to do with anyone else, just our own feelings and demons that we battle. I know most of us would love it if we didn't feel this way, we'd give anything to be our old purely optimistic selves, but somethings you just can't make go away. This is one of them.

We don't want to not be invited to showers, for some days we can actually handle it, but we need you to know that if we can't, it doesn't have anything to do with you! I had friends who had a little girl in September, do what I consider to this day one of the most thoughtful things...

Hubby (friend of my hubby) called Sean to let him know that they were having a shower and that we were definately invited and they wanted us there, if we could make it, but that they understood if we couldn't. They hadn't wanted to send an invitation, as they didn't want it to arrive on a bad day.

Thoughtful, just plain thoughtful, and I'm forever grateful for that!

On a different note, my friend Jennifer over at Thoughts from a Blonde is entering adoption-land, send her some love, and I'm stealing from her too, as I love to read like she does. So, any suggestions for books on adoption, I'd like to know somethings from birthmothers, as well as adopted children.

Hope this week is good for all of you!!

Just an update on Me

I wanted to clarify first for anyone who is confused, as I didn't realize that it would be confusing, but Cala is pronounced like the lily.

Then onto what's going on with me. I started a new job this past week. I'm assistant to the Youth Director over girls ministry at Marvin UMC in Tyler. This truly is a dream come true. Those of you who know me, know what a passion I have for youth and how much I love working with them. My kids at First were a huge part of my life and I miss them soooo much! I try to keep up with them as much as possible, thank you Facebook for making it easier! I got to see some of them this weekend while I was at home, which was very nice especially since it was two of my girls turned 18 on Sunday, and one of my girls who is in college was home too! So, the new job is an answered prayer and a blessing. Also, it's only part-time, and won't be during the summer, so I'll be able to bring sweet Cala home and spend some time with her completely uninterrupted (then go back to work when school starts again, but she'll probably go with me!). God knows what He's doing all the time and takes care of us! This wouldn't have been possible in Shreveport, so again I give Him all the credit and the glory!

Everything is still looking good for the adoption. I've talked to Baby Mama and she's having a rough time right now, but nothing to do with the pregnancy or giving Cala up, she even signs her emails "Baby Mama & Cala". I ask that you keep her in your prayers. We are still trying to get all of our side organized so that we can help her out some more. Baby Mama says she won't be changing her mind, as she knows that this is best for Cala and that she's happy to have found the perfect parents for her. I can hardly believe that this is happening for us after all that we've been through. Not actually being pregnant myself also makes it harder to internalize, as I really have no daily proof staring me in the face! Though I'm still planning stuff, we haven't picked out furniture yet, but we will do that soon. We saw that there is a Cribs Galore in Tyler, so we'll check that place out and see how it is!!

This next part I will put a disclaimer on, for those of you who haven't experienced loss, or the heartache of infertility, you will just never know what it's like and please note that I am very happy for everyone who is expecting, but that doesn't make it easy for me.

This weekend I experienced two pregnancy announcements. Both people I'm very happy for, especially one as she is a twice babylost mommy with one earthly angel child. She's preggo with twins, and I'm elated for her, and I'll admit a bit jealous. The thing about these pregnancy announcements is that I can't help but have that twinge of 'why not me?'. I've written about that before. I'm thrilled that we are adopting, I think that Cala was meant for our family, and I know that if my pregnancies had worked out and Layla or Michael were here, we probably wouldn't have considered adoption. So, again, that God knows what He's doing, and I feel blessed that He thinks enough of me to make me part of His plan. But it still doesn't make the pregnancy announcements easy. It happens so easily for so many other people, even some people who have lost and then get pregnant again so quickly, it's like it was a 3 month set back for them and here I am 9 months after loss still not expecting again, as are some of my sweet friends, and it breaks my heart for myself, and for them, and moreso for others who aren't even 'paper expecting' (that's some adoption lingo!!). I know that when you've lost you just hurt to hear new announcements. I wonder is it hard for my unexpecting, babylost friends to hear that I am getting my rainbow baby too? I'm happy for me, and at the same time sad for them. I want to talk about my baby, but I don't want to cause them any pain at the same time.

Then there's the fact that I'm not actually pregnant and most people are as excited for me as they would be did I have a baby in my belly, but you can sense in some voices, that they are scared for me too. They don't have that excitement, they aren't wanting to hear all about it, as if it's not mine to be excited about. My sweet kindred spirit, Andrea, said the perfect thing to me yesterday, she said, "This baby girl is soooo special Deni and don't let anyone rob you of feeling this great joy!". Well, how can you even think of anything but great joy when you have friends who support you like that?!?! And then there's Shandrea, who says she smiles everytime she thinks about my adoption! Thank you to those of you who are without fail the constants in my life!! Thank you for understanding that just because I'm sad for me, doesn't mean I'm not happy for you. Thank you for showing as much emotion as you do, for trying to talk me into baby showers because you believe that this is going to happen. Thank you all for letting me vent when I need to, for letting me laugh a lot, and for letting me be alone when I need that too! Thank you to those of you who are already planning all the great gifts for Cala and adding her to your prayer lists too! She is going to be the light of my life, and I can't wait to meet her face to face.

Last thought, if any of you know anything about breastfeeding adopted children, please pass it on. I've ordered a couple of books about it and am researching that option!!

Congrats to the new mommies to be! Love and hugs to my babylost mommy friends who are hurting and waiting!

Also, CONGRATULATIONS TO DEM BOYS!!! The SAINTS did us proud! Bless you boys! I'm sad to not be at the Saints parade in NOLA tonight, but hopefully the sister will take good pictures!! WHO DAT?!?!?

Thank you all!!

I've received so much love since I've been blogging, from so many people, and I just wanted to send out a huge THANK YOU! Y'alls love and support bless me and Sean more than you could ever know. I got the sweetest random email today from a guy, who is quite possibly the funniest person alive, but it was sweet and makes me smile ear to ear. I've gotten so much love and support from our family and friends and we are blessed to be surrounded by such strength, such grace, and such faith!

Then there is the blogging community and I just wanted to share a couple of blogs that I really love and you might want to check out...

First is Andrea, who seems to always write what I'm feeling http://persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com

Second is Shandrea, who has been aptly nicknamed Amazing Grace, upon losing 2 children 18 weeks into her pregnancies, she continues to stand firm on the rock that is God! http://lovingmyangels.blogspot.com

Third, is a new one that I came across and reading her words seems like I'm reading my own thoughts on so many things, she is a doll. I especially like her entry on adoption, it just gives a report of how lots of infertile people feel when you say things that you think help, but they really don't! http://baby-on-mind.blogspot.com
Know that all of our opinions are not exactly the same, but we have a mutual respect for how the other feels.

This road is so individual, and has to be traveled in the way that your heart (in my opinion God) leads you, and they are all different, what is right for one couple may not be right for another. And just because something isn't right today, doesn't mean it won't be in the future! It's rocky and hard, but I have been blessed in soooo many ways while walking this road, and I'm again greatful mostly for all of the ways I've felt love throughout this. God does work in mysterious ways, and I'm learning to sit back and let Him to His thing!!