I LOVE Louisiana

I'm sure if you've read much of this blog you know I'm from Louisiana, and that I love Louisiana. I love the people, the spirit, the food, the festivals (that are all about the food), the customs, the food, the spanish moss, the trees, the history, the crooked politics, the food, that my husband is from south Louisiana (which for those who don't know that is a complete other world and I'm a yankee since I'm from above I-10), that my husband can cook a jambalaya or gumbo that will make you want to kiss him (but you better not try LA girls have tempers of fire), the food, the diversity, and the football---LSU and Saints!!!!!

Today my FIL came in town bearing wonderful treats, first goodies from their organic garden (these veggies make others taste like crap), and meat!! He brought alligator sausage, boudin, and more boudin--yummy! I think you may have seen that the thing I love best is the food! It's nice to have things from home and to get to enjoy them here in the lone start state.

Another shout out to friends who are wanting to adopt!!! Please go onto facebook and like Help Andrew and Leslie Adopt a Child! Sweet friends from home have been through their own very trial filled road and they deserve a child and happiness as much as any people I know!

Just an update on Me

I wanted to clarify first for anyone who is confused, as I didn't realize that it would be confusing, but Cala is pronounced like the lily.

Then onto what's going on with me. I started a new job this past week. I'm assistant to the Youth Director over girls ministry at Marvin UMC in Tyler. This truly is a dream come true. Those of you who know me, know what a passion I have for youth and how much I love working with them. My kids at First were a huge part of my life and I miss them soooo much! I try to keep up with them as much as possible, thank you Facebook for making it easier! I got to see some of them this weekend while I was at home, which was very nice especially since it was two of my girls turned 18 on Sunday, and one of my girls who is in college was home too! So, the new job is an answered prayer and a blessing. Also, it's only part-time, and won't be during the summer, so I'll be able to bring sweet Cala home and spend some time with her completely uninterrupted (then go back to work when school starts again, but she'll probably go with me!). God knows what He's doing all the time and takes care of us! This wouldn't have been possible in Shreveport, so again I give Him all the credit and the glory!

Everything is still looking good for the adoption. I've talked to Baby Mama and she's having a rough time right now, but nothing to do with the pregnancy or giving Cala up, she even signs her emails "Baby Mama & Cala". I ask that you keep her in your prayers. We are still trying to get all of our side organized so that we can help her out some more. Baby Mama says she won't be changing her mind, as she knows that this is best for Cala and that she's happy to have found the perfect parents for her. I can hardly believe that this is happening for us after all that we've been through. Not actually being pregnant myself also makes it harder to internalize, as I really have no daily proof staring me in the face! Though I'm still planning stuff, we haven't picked out furniture yet, but we will do that soon. We saw that there is a Cribs Galore in Tyler, so we'll check that place out and see how it is!!

This next part I will put a disclaimer on, for those of you who haven't experienced loss, or the heartache of infertility, you will just never know what it's like and please note that I am very happy for everyone who is expecting, but that doesn't make it easy for me.

This weekend I experienced two pregnancy announcements. Both people I'm very happy for, especially one as she is a twice babylost mommy with one earthly angel child. She's preggo with twins, and I'm elated for her, and I'll admit a bit jealous. The thing about these pregnancy announcements is that I can't help but have that twinge of 'why not me?'. I've written about that before. I'm thrilled that we are adopting, I think that Cala was meant for our family, and I know that if my pregnancies had worked out and Layla or Michael were here, we probably wouldn't have considered adoption. So, again, that God knows what He's doing, and I feel blessed that He thinks enough of me to make me part of His plan. But it still doesn't make the pregnancy announcements easy. It happens so easily for so many other people, even some people who have lost and then get pregnant again so quickly, it's like it was a 3 month set back for them and here I am 9 months after loss still not expecting again, as are some of my sweet friends, and it breaks my heart for myself, and for them, and moreso for others who aren't even 'paper expecting' (that's some adoption lingo!!). I know that when you've lost you just hurt to hear new announcements. I wonder is it hard for my unexpecting, babylost friends to hear that I am getting my rainbow baby too? I'm happy for me, and at the same time sad for them. I want to talk about my baby, but I don't want to cause them any pain at the same time.

Then there's the fact that I'm not actually pregnant and most people are as excited for me as they would be did I have a baby in my belly, but you can sense in some voices, that they are scared for me too. They don't have that excitement, they aren't wanting to hear all about it, as if it's not mine to be excited about. My sweet kindred spirit, Andrea, said the perfect thing to me yesterday, she said, "This baby girl is soooo special Deni and don't let anyone rob you of feeling this great joy!". Well, how can you even think of anything but great joy when you have friends who support you like that?!?! And then there's Shandrea, who says she smiles everytime she thinks about my adoption! Thank you to those of you who are without fail the constants in my life!! Thank you for understanding that just because I'm sad for me, doesn't mean I'm not happy for you. Thank you for showing as much emotion as you do, for trying to talk me into baby showers because you believe that this is going to happen. Thank you all for letting me vent when I need to, for letting me laugh a lot, and for letting me be alone when I need that too! Thank you to those of you who are already planning all the great gifts for Cala and adding her to your prayer lists too! She is going to be the light of my life, and I can't wait to meet her face to face.

Last thought, if any of you know anything about breastfeeding adopted children, please pass it on. I've ordered a couple of books about it and am researching that option!!

Congrats to the new mommies to be! Love and hugs to my babylost mommy friends who are hurting and waiting!

Also, CONGRATULATIONS TO DEM BOYS!!! The SAINTS did us proud! Bless you boys! I'm sad to not be at the Saints parade in NOLA tonight, but hopefully the sister will take good pictures!! WHO DAT?!?!?

A BLESSED 2010

I feel very blessed to be able to say that I am HOPEFUL. I BELIEVE that things are going to work out eventually for me to be a mother and I know that God is in control. For quite a while I had been in a serious funk, as those around me could surely sense. It was something that I couldn't get out of, something that I felt was controlling me, that I hated, but couldn't shake. Sometimes it just seems like life is kicking you while you're down.

It's hard to overcome loss, and there's not a single day that I don't think about my babies. The passing of my EDD, and that time leading up to it were extremely painful, as I could only see my world from what was missing. I know that was part of my grief, and I needed to go through it, but that approaching with no pregnancy on the horizon, multiple birth announcements, and everyone enjoying their children during the holidays was just overwhelming, for me and many other babylost moms.

But I have to say that with the dawning of a new year I've regained my footing and have a better hold on life. I'm more positive, I'm excited about things, I'm smiling more, and I think my husband will tell you that my fog has lifted. I know some of that has come from my church here and friends that I've made through helping with the girls youth ministry (many of you know how near and dear this is to my heart). Getting to meet new girls, interact with them, and the hopefulness of this new ministry all excite me like nothing else can (I think that's a God thing, what do you think??). Then there's my upcoming half marathon (which is NOLA again, so one full year of 1/2 marathoning) those always get me hyped up as they approach. Then there is the possibility of experiencing Mardi Gras in New Orleans for the first time with my sister this year (no, I've never been, I'm chicken and claustrophobic). Sean and I seem to be handling our finances and his weird schedule better, we are making friends in Tyler, and we're enjoying each other (which is typical because I think he's hilarious and so does he!!).

And this weekend I met with a potential birthmother. This was a nerve-racking situation as you just don't know what the person will be like, or what she'll think of you, or if it will be painfully awkward. I'm happy to announce that it was a wonderful meeting with a super cute girl, who is quite engaging and we ended up talking for three and a half hours, yes, 3.5 hours! So, I'm trying not to get myself all worked up and too excited prematurely, but regardless of the outcome, it was a very positive experience and something I'm very glad that I did! This Friday Sean and I will meet with her again together, so continue to keep ALL of us in your prayers, me, Sean, the potential birthmother, the baby, their family, and our families!

My home church in Shreveport has been super involved in helping with the Haiti relief effort, and I'm proud to say that I was/am a part of such a giving, generous, beautiful, thoughtful, strong group of people. The miraculous things that God is doing in and through them touches my heart profoundly. If you want to know more about them and what they are doing check this out...

www.citelespwa.blogspot.com

Then of course, last but not least, THE SAINTS ARE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!!! I'm thinking 2010 is shaping up to be one blessed year and I'm super excited about all of the ways that God is showing off right now.

For any of you who are in the adoption process, tell me about your birthmother experiences. For those of you interested in helping Haiti, please check out the above blog and think about getting a tent city started in your area!!

Happy 2010 friends!!