Just an update on Me

I wanted to clarify first for anyone who is confused, as I didn't realize that it would be confusing, but Cala is pronounced like the lily.

Then onto what's going on with me. I started a new job this past week. I'm assistant to the Youth Director over girls ministry at Marvin UMC in Tyler. This truly is a dream come true. Those of you who know me, know what a passion I have for youth and how much I love working with them. My kids at First were a huge part of my life and I miss them soooo much! I try to keep up with them as much as possible, thank you Facebook for making it easier! I got to see some of them this weekend while I was at home, which was very nice especially since it was two of my girls turned 18 on Sunday, and one of my girls who is in college was home too! So, the new job is an answered prayer and a blessing. Also, it's only part-time, and won't be during the summer, so I'll be able to bring sweet Cala home and spend some time with her completely uninterrupted (then go back to work when school starts again, but she'll probably go with me!). God knows what He's doing all the time and takes care of us! This wouldn't have been possible in Shreveport, so again I give Him all the credit and the glory!

Everything is still looking good for the adoption. I've talked to Baby Mama and she's having a rough time right now, but nothing to do with the pregnancy or giving Cala up, she even signs her emails "Baby Mama & Cala". I ask that you keep her in your prayers. We are still trying to get all of our side organized so that we can help her out some more. Baby Mama says she won't be changing her mind, as she knows that this is best for Cala and that she's happy to have found the perfect parents for her. I can hardly believe that this is happening for us after all that we've been through. Not actually being pregnant myself also makes it harder to internalize, as I really have no daily proof staring me in the face! Though I'm still planning stuff, we haven't picked out furniture yet, but we will do that soon. We saw that there is a Cribs Galore in Tyler, so we'll check that place out and see how it is!!

This next part I will put a disclaimer on, for those of you who haven't experienced loss, or the heartache of infertility, you will just never know what it's like and please note that I am very happy for everyone who is expecting, but that doesn't make it easy for me.

This weekend I experienced two pregnancy announcements. Both people I'm very happy for, especially one as she is a twice babylost mommy with one earthly angel child. She's preggo with twins, and I'm elated for her, and I'll admit a bit jealous. The thing about these pregnancy announcements is that I can't help but have that twinge of 'why not me?'. I've written about that before. I'm thrilled that we are adopting, I think that Cala was meant for our family, and I know that if my pregnancies had worked out and Layla or Michael were here, we probably wouldn't have considered adoption. So, again, that God knows what He's doing, and I feel blessed that He thinks enough of me to make me part of His plan. But it still doesn't make the pregnancy announcements easy. It happens so easily for so many other people, even some people who have lost and then get pregnant again so quickly, it's like it was a 3 month set back for them and here I am 9 months after loss still not expecting again, as are some of my sweet friends, and it breaks my heart for myself, and for them, and moreso for others who aren't even 'paper expecting' (that's some adoption lingo!!). I know that when you've lost you just hurt to hear new announcements. I wonder is it hard for my unexpecting, babylost friends to hear that I am getting my rainbow baby too? I'm happy for me, and at the same time sad for them. I want to talk about my baby, but I don't want to cause them any pain at the same time.

Then there's the fact that I'm not actually pregnant and most people are as excited for me as they would be did I have a baby in my belly, but you can sense in some voices, that they are scared for me too. They don't have that excitement, they aren't wanting to hear all about it, as if it's not mine to be excited about. My sweet kindred spirit, Andrea, said the perfect thing to me yesterday, she said, "This baby girl is soooo special Deni and don't let anyone rob you of feeling this great joy!". Well, how can you even think of anything but great joy when you have friends who support you like that?!?! And then there's Shandrea, who says she smiles everytime she thinks about my adoption! Thank you to those of you who are without fail the constants in my life!! Thank you for understanding that just because I'm sad for me, doesn't mean I'm not happy for you. Thank you for showing as much emotion as you do, for trying to talk me into baby showers because you believe that this is going to happen. Thank you all for letting me vent when I need to, for letting me laugh a lot, and for letting me be alone when I need that too! Thank you to those of you who are already planning all the great gifts for Cala and adding her to your prayer lists too! She is going to be the light of my life, and I can't wait to meet her face to face.

Last thought, if any of you know anything about breastfeeding adopted children, please pass it on. I've ordered a couple of books about it and am researching that option!!

Congrats to the new mommies to be! Love and hugs to my babylost mommy friends who are hurting and waiting!

Also, CONGRATULATIONS TO DEM BOYS!!! The SAINTS did us proud! Bless you boys! I'm sad to not be at the Saints parade in NOLA tonight, but hopefully the sister will take good pictures!! WHO DAT?!?!?