"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Just an update on Me

I wanted to clarify first for anyone who is confused, as I didn't realize that it would be confusing, but Cala is pronounced like the lily.

Then onto what's going on with me. I started a new job this past week. I'm assistant to the Youth Director over girls ministry at Marvin UMC in Tyler. This truly is a dream come true. Those of you who know me, know what a passion I have for youth and how much I love working with them. My kids at First were a huge part of my life and I miss them soooo much! I try to keep up with them as much as possible, thank you Facebook for making it easier! I got to see some of them this weekend while I was at home, which was very nice especially since it was two of my girls turned 18 on Sunday, and one of my girls who is in college was home too! So, the new job is an answered prayer and a blessing. Also, it's only part-time, and won't be during the summer, so I'll be able to bring sweet Cala home and spend some time with her completely uninterrupted (then go back to work when school starts again, but she'll probably go with me!). God knows what He's doing all the time and takes care of us! This wouldn't have been possible in Shreveport, so again I give Him all the credit and the glory!

Everything is still looking good for the adoption. I've talked to Baby Mama and she's having a rough time right now, but nothing to do with the pregnancy or giving Cala up, she even signs her emails "Baby Mama & Cala". I ask that you keep her in your prayers. We are still trying to get all of our side organized so that we can help her out some more. Baby Mama says she won't be changing her mind, as she knows that this is best for Cala and that she's happy to have found the perfect parents for her. I can hardly believe that this is happening for us after all that we've been through. Not actually being pregnant myself also makes it harder to internalize, as I really have no daily proof staring me in the face! Though I'm still planning stuff, we haven't picked out furniture yet, but we will do that soon. We saw that there is a Cribs Galore in Tyler, so we'll check that place out and see how it is!!

This next part I will put a disclaimer on, for those of you who haven't experienced loss, or the heartache of infertility, you will just never know what it's like and please note that I am very happy for everyone who is expecting, but that doesn't make it easy for me.

This weekend I experienced two pregnancy announcements. Both people I'm very happy for, especially one as she is a twice babylost mommy with one earthly angel child. She's preggo with twins, and I'm elated for her, and I'll admit a bit jealous. The thing about these pregnancy announcements is that I can't help but have that twinge of 'why not me?'. I've written about that before. I'm thrilled that we are adopting, I think that Cala was meant for our family, and I know that if my pregnancies had worked out and Layla or Michael were here, we probably wouldn't have considered adoption. So, again, that God knows what He's doing, and I feel blessed that He thinks enough of me to make me part of His plan. But it still doesn't make the pregnancy announcements easy. It happens so easily for so many other people, even some people who have lost and then get pregnant again so quickly, it's like it was a 3 month set back for them and here I am 9 months after loss still not expecting again, as are some of my sweet friends, and it breaks my heart for myself, and for them, and moreso for others who aren't even 'paper expecting' (that's some adoption lingo!!). I know that when you've lost you just hurt to hear new announcements. I wonder is it hard for my unexpecting, babylost friends to hear that I am getting my rainbow baby too? I'm happy for me, and at the same time sad for them. I want to talk about my baby, but I don't want to cause them any pain at the same time.

Then there's the fact that I'm not actually pregnant and most people are as excited for me as they would be did I have a baby in my belly, but you can sense in some voices, that they are scared for me too. They don't have that excitement, they aren't wanting to hear all about it, as if it's not mine to be excited about. My sweet kindred spirit, Andrea, said the perfect thing to me yesterday, she said, "This baby girl is soooo special Deni and don't let anyone rob you of feeling this great joy!". Well, how can you even think of anything but great joy when you have friends who support you like that?!?! And then there's Shandrea, who says she smiles everytime she thinks about my adoption! Thank you to those of you who are without fail the constants in my life!! Thank you for understanding that just because I'm sad for me, doesn't mean I'm not happy for you. Thank you for showing as much emotion as you do, for trying to talk me into baby showers because you believe that this is going to happen. Thank you all for letting me vent when I need to, for letting me laugh a lot, and for letting me be alone when I need that too! Thank you to those of you who are already planning all the great gifts for Cala and adding her to your prayer lists too! She is going to be the light of my life, and I can't wait to meet her face to face.

Last thought, if any of you know anything about breastfeeding adopted children, please pass it on. I've ordered a couple of books about it and am researching that option!!

Congrats to the new mommies to be! Love and hugs to my babylost mommy friends who are hurting and waiting!

Also, CONGRATULATIONS TO DEM BOYS!!! The SAINTS did us proud! Bless you boys! I'm sad to not be at the Saints parade in NOLA tonight, but hopefully the sister will take good pictures!! WHO DAT?!?!?


  1. WHO DAT!! I can hardly believe that actually happened! Yay Saints! :)

    Deni, as always, this is a beautiful post that shows what an amazing heart you have. Going through infertility and loss truly changes you forever. I don't know if it ever does become easier, but I do trust that this baby girl will fill your home and your life with so much joy. This is an amazing thing and you will always have it as part of your story and your testimony to God's goodness and faithfulness. I am so happy and so excited for you!

    Congrats on the new job, too! That's great!

    P.S. You have an award on my blog! :)

  2. Deni, I am so excited about your upcoming adoption! When is Cala's due? Reading your post I can relate to so much of it, even though we havent been through the adoption side of things yet, but I still have those twinges of jealousy too. But I am from the bottem of my heart happy for these families, its just like you said, the why not me's getting into my head. And also, Congrats on the job too! I hope its great! *HUGS*

  3. Deni,
    Just sending you lots of love. As always i'm thinking of you and again beautifully said. Know that you are constantly in my prayers and i can't wait for more pics of cala. (such a pretty name). Hugs to you my kindred spirit!

  4. My sweet sweet girlfriend,
    You have always been such an exceptional source of hope and inpiration to me and to all you come in contact with. You are bound to have down days, and times of uncertainly, and I am so glad you can share it on here. The word that comes to mind is vulnerable, putting your trust into something you have no choice but to put your faith in, whether its carrying a baby or adopting a baby. I always feel as though I have no control, that I have to let whatever be, just be, and its stressful. And yes, even I have trouble with announcements, pictures and our ever famous word "triggers". I am thankful for you, Andrea and Shandrea for lifting me up and saying things to me that just "click". I want so badly for us all to make it to the finish line.
    Just know that these days come and go, the storm always eventually disapates and the sun will shine brightly again. Continue to let yourself feel whatever you need to feel, and most likely, there are millions that feel the same way you do.
    I am always thinking of you, and praying for you to smile. This adoption is going to be great, and I cannot wait to spoil Cala :)
    Goodluck with the new job!!!!
    Love always and big hugs, Nan xo

  5. My Kindred Spirit,

    We all feel those twinges of jealousy, its natural when you want something so badly. I say its 80% happiness and 20% jealousy, in a good way of course :)

    Set your sights on Cala and the JOY that she will bring to your life. She is your true blessing and like I said, don't let anyone rob you of this JOY. It's all yours, own it!

    We all can't wait to "spoil" your precious baby...gotta get that embroidery machine cranked up for her and the grasshopper :) Aunt Bebe is going to be busy...LOL

    Hugs and Much love

  6. Oh friend, I feel you! 10+ years of infertility and procedures...a failed adoption...FINALLY pregnant with IVF, FULL-TERM, healthy baby--gone after only 7 hours born on this earth.

    There really and truly is a TRAGIC dimension that is added with infertility and then subsequent loss. It's gut-wrenching.

    But I agree with all your wonderful friends--CELEBRATE the miracle of Cala!!! Be joyful and DESERVE it!!!