"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Saturday, February 13, 2010


This post is possibly going to make no sense, but I have to just start writing...

I lost two babies. They are in heaven with all of the other angel babies and I hope that they are having fun up there, but I sure wish they were here having fun! I got two of the sweetest Valentine's gifts today. The first was unexpected, in that upon returning home from being in Shreveport (yes, I did just say that, this is my home for now) I found a huge bouquet of pink roses and astralomeria (I probably butchered the spelling of that) with no baby's breath (as I strongly dislike babies breath), and two gifts from my hubby. This is not all that like him, he's not good at surprises and he thinks that Valentine's Day is stupid (I tend to agree with him and have had some awful past Valentine's Days), so it was a great sweet surprise.

The second was even more unexpected, I was catching up on my blog reading, checking in on my ladies, and came to Jennifer's blog and she had one of the best gifts ever there...She did baby names on candy for all of our babies, and included was sweet Layla and Michael's names. I cried and cried, tears of joy, and also some tears of pain. It doesn't go away, that loss, even with our upcoming adoption, and knowing that baby Cala is meant for our family, that doesn't take away what we lost. Cala won't replace Layla, no child replaces another. And though some people don't understand this as I never 'met' Layla or Michael, I know it. It changes your heart. My heart is different as it has two tiny pieces missing, pieces that can't be replaced.

My heart misses my babies. My heart wonders if it will ever get the opportunity to make other babies like them. My heart is already full for Cala and anxiouslyl awaiting her arrival. But my heart misses Layla and Michael. So, thank you Jennifer for honoring my babies and all of our babies! I'm very blessed by the friends I have, the ones I already had, the ones who've proven their steadfastness through this journey, and the new ones I've made on this sad journey!


  1. Deni, you are so very welcome. I strongly feel that whatever the stage/gestation or even age of your child it doesnt lessen the pain. A loss is still a loss. Im so glad you liked the hearts for your angels! Happy Valentines Day! *HUGS*

  2. Hi, just stopping by from The Blue Sparrow. I'm so sorry for your losses. I loved the chocolate that Jenn made for Gracie too.

    I used to work with a lot of SLP's when I worked as a dietitian in the hospitals I worked at. Some of my closet friends are SLP's, wonderful speciality.

    Hope your have more of a sweet and less of a bitter Valentines Day, we try to anyways.

  3. My Kindred Spirit,

    We will always miss our babies...always. My friend Madeline still talks about her babies and that was years ago. They are a part of us and we will carry them forever with us. I refer to Christian as "my forever firefly", as he is lighting my way.

    ps How sweet of jennifer to do something so special.

  4. I'm right there with you deni. Sending you lots of love and big hugs. Missing you angels with you.