"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Big News!!! Part 2

Well, Saturday Baby Mama texted and said she felt horrible, she had been vomiting all day, couldn't hold down anything and was just plain crummy feeling! So, we talked a few times, Sean advised, and seeing as she couldn't keep anything down or otherwise, he suggested transdermal phenergan (stop puking meds, you rub on your wrists). Well, that has to be made at a compounding pharmacy, and none were open on a Saturday, so she decided she needed to go to the hospital, which I supported (obviously!!). We ended up talking to her OB who said to go in to the Labor & Delivery unit where she would be having the baby, they would admit her give her fluids, and some meds IV. They were fabulous, we had sweet nurses who took great care of her and some cool things happened.

First, for me personally, Baby Mama was being asked all kinds of questions about the baby, and she referred them all to me, as those would be my choices! That was very special for me and made the whole situation seem even more real.

Secondly, there was an exciting opportunity for Sean and I both (who wasn't there with us, he was helping friends 'move'). I'll give you the low down...

We are friends with Baby Mama's OB, which is how we got in contact with her in the first place (maybe I need another entry just about that, maybe later). So, OB is texting me...

OB: I'm coming up there in a little while...

Me: Ok, but you don't have to do that

OB: What? Come up there? I'm anxious to see yall but I guess I can wait til Wednesday. :) I don't think she needs to stay...

Me: I don't want you to get out just to come up here, but we can't wait to find out what the baby is!!!

OB: I could scan if I came...:)

Me: We would let you!!!

Baby Mama: (poor thing half asleep in phenergan) that would be so sweet since Sean won't get to be there on Wednesday (very slowly, little doze)...I'm so excited!

Anyhow, needless to say, we got Sean's happy self up there and OB came and did the scan, and the machine wouldn't print, though we took pictures on my iphone (I'm too unsavvy to get them up here!!). The fact that Sean actually got to be there and then tell our friends was so exciting and special! We will never forget that and we love OB for doing that for us, and Baby Mama for agreeing, being so excited in her haze, and for pointing out before I even said it that it would allow Sean to be there when we found out! See why we love her!!!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you all want to know what we're having....

It's a GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Big News!! Part 1

So, I told you all last week that I met with a potential birthmother, and that Sean would be meeting her this past Friday, what I did not ellaborate on was that our "Baby Mama" (as we like to refer to her, and that is her preferential name for the blog) and I have been emailing and texting for the past couple of weeks and getting along really well. Coming up on this meeting between Baby Mama and Sean, they were both extremely nervous, "What if he/she doesn't like me?", "What if she/they change their mind?", etc, etc.

Well, the meeting went swimmingly, to say the least, my husband is ready to adopt not only the baby, but also Baby Mama. They totally hit it off and following yet another 3.5 hour visit, we were laughing, sharing stories, and cutting up! Afterwards Baby Mama and I emailed and she said she was so glad that it went to well. One cannot fully describe how awkward the first meetings are, but I'll say that Baby Mama hit it on the head when she said, "I felt like I was going on a blind date." Upon attempting our initial contact, she chose to email me first, as she said calling up and saying, "Hey! This is 'Baby Mama' do you want my baby?" was just a little too much! Needless to say, she's funny, which many of you know is of extreme importance to me, hence the marriage to Sean!!

I know everyone has a zillion questions, so I'm going to try to answer some here, so that you can read and we're not repeating ourselves a million times...

First, we have not met with our lawyer yet (and no I don't need anyone's opinion on that), we will be meeting with him and her together the week after this as Sean will be working all this week. But I will be calling the attorney tomorrow to get some things rolling!

Second, the birthfather (we're not close, so he didn't specify his nickname of choice) is aware of the plans and has agreed to sign over his rights, so we'll be getting that taken care of as soon as we can.

Our adoption will be partially open, in that we have agreed that letters, phone calls, pictures were all acceptable forms of communication after the birth, but that visits may be very difficult on our sweet Baby Mama and confusing to our baby. We are very happy that we are on the same page about this. We know what all the options are and have agreed that we're comfortable here, but also that if something were to change, we can definately revisit the issue.

Baby Mama is beautiful, smart, organized, very careful with taking care of herself and baby, and has a very bright future ahead of her! We believe she is one of the most unselfish people we've ever encountered and are blessed to have her!

The laws for adoption vary from state to state, so in our state of adoption, Baby Mama can sign her rights over 5 days following birth, but birthfather can do it at anytime. We will also be crossing state lines, so we will have to stay in the birthstate for a little while for ICPC to be handled (Interstate something something compact, basically no baby trafficing).

Our families are thrilled and completely supportive, the reaction from them and our friends (i.e. extended family) would lead anyone else to believe that I was actually carrying this baby myself!! We haven't decided how we are going to handle showers and stuff and may wait until after baby's arrival to do those things, that is something Sean and I will discuss further!

We cannot put into words the feelings that we have right now. We are over the moon, can't believe it, and continue to pinch ourselves daily. With that said, we know that many of you are concerned about us and worried that something could go wrong or fall through. We are grown intelligent adults, we know that is always a possibility, so thank you for your concern, the best way you can support us is with your earnest prayers! Throughout our trials we've tried to lean on God and trust Him, and everyone knows some days are harder than others, but in the end we always know that God is in control. We will continue to stand firm in that trust and know that the maker of the world cares about us!

During my second pregnancy this verse appeared over and over and over in my life, think God was trying to say something?!?!?!

2 Timothy 1:7 "For God did not give you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound-mind."

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Thank you all!!

I've received so much love since I've been blogging, from so many people, and I just wanted to send out a huge THANK YOU! Y'alls love and support bless me and Sean more than you could ever know. I got the sweetest random email today from a guy, who is quite possibly the funniest person alive, but it was sweet and makes me smile ear to ear. I've gotten so much love and support from our family and friends and we are blessed to be surrounded by such strength, such grace, and such faith!

Then there is the blogging community and I just wanted to share a couple of blogs that I really love and you might want to check out...

First is Andrea, who seems to always write what I'm feeling

Second is Shandrea, who has been aptly nicknamed Amazing Grace, upon losing 2 children 18 weeks into her pregnancies, she continues to stand firm on the rock that is God!

Third, is a new one that I came across and reading her words seems like I'm reading my own thoughts on so many things, she is a doll. I especially like her entry on adoption, it just gives a report of how lots of infertile people feel when you say things that you think help, but they really don't!
Know that all of our opinions are not exactly the same, but we have a mutual respect for how the other feels.

This road is so individual, and has to be traveled in the way that your heart (in my opinion God) leads you, and they are all different, what is right for one couple may not be right for another. And just because something isn't right today, doesn't mean it won't be in the future! It's rocky and hard, but I have been blessed in soooo many ways while walking this road, and I'm again greatful mostly for all of the ways I've felt love throughout this. God does work in mysterious ways, and I'm learning to sit back and let Him to His thing!!

Sunday, January 24, 2010


I feel very blessed to be able to say that I am HOPEFUL. I BELIEVE that things are going to work out eventually for me to be a mother and I know that God is in control. For quite a while I had been in a serious funk, as those around me could surely sense. It was something that I couldn't get out of, something that I felt was controlling me, that I hated, but couldn't shake. Sometimes it just seems like life is kicking you while you're down.

It's hard to overcome loss, and there's not a single day that I don't think about my babies. The passing of my EDD, and that time leading up to it were extremely painful, as I could only see my world from what was missing. I know that was part of my grief, and I needed to go through it, but that approaching with no pregnancy on the horizon, multiple birth announcements, and everyone enjoying their children during the holidays was just overwhelming, for me and many other babylost moms.

But I have to say that with the dawning of a new year I've regained my footing and have a better hold on life. I'm more positive, I'm excited about things, I'm smiling more, and I think my husband will tell you that my fog has lifted. I know some of that has come from my church here and friends that I've made through helping with the girls youth ministry (many of you know how near and dear this is to my heart). Getting to meet new girls, interact with them, and the hopefulness of this new ministry all excite me like nothing else can (I think that's a God thing, what do you think??). Then there's my upcoming half marathon (which is NOLA again, so one full year of 1/2 marathoning) those always get me hyped up as they approach. Then there is the possibility of experiencing Mardi Gras in New Orleans for the first time with my sister this year (no, I've never been, I'm chicken and claustrophobic). Sean and I seem to be handling our finances and his weird schedule better, we are making friends in Tyler, and we're enjoying each other (which is typical because I think he's hilarious and so does he!!).

And this weekend I met with a potential birthmother. This was a nerve-racking situation as you just don't know what the person will be like, or what she'll think of you, or if it will be painfully awkward. I'm happy to announce that it was a wonderful meeting with a super cute girl, who is quite engaging and we ended up talking for three and a half hours, yes, 3.5 hours! So, I'm trying not to get myself all worked up and too excited prematurely, but regardless of the outcome, it was a very positive experience and something I'm very glad that I did! This Friday Sean and I will meet with her again together, so continue to keep ALL of us in your prayers, me, Sean, the potential birthmother, the baby, their family, and our families!

My home church in Shreveport has been super involved in helping with the Haiti relief effort, and I'm proud to say that I was/am a part of such a giving, generous, beautiful, thoughtful, strong group of people. The miraculous things that God is doing in and through them touches my heart profoundly. If you want to know more about them and what they are doing check this out...

Then of course, last but not least, THE SAINTS ARE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!!! I'm thinking 2010 is shaping up to be one blessed year and I'm super excited about all of the ways that God is showing off right now.

For any of you who are in the adoption process, tell me about your birthmother experiences. For those of you interested in helping Haiti, please check out the above blog and think about getting a tent city started in your area!!

Happy 2010 friends!!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Monkeys and Moving forward

So in my last post I think I mentioned that I had purchased the monkey stuff that I wanted to put in the baby's bathroom. Actually, I just wanted the monkey stuff regardless, but it has started a little trend, wherein I'm just picking up little things that will one day belong to our baby. I'm not sure where our baby is right now, or when we'll be united with him or her (we could care less about gender), but it's kinda fun to do a little prepping for that special happy day whenever it happens!!

So, I'm going to post some pics of the bathroom and the cutest little monkey that I picked up at Lifeway today, that I just couldn't pass up!

In doing these things I feel like I'm moving forward. In looking around Lifeway today I wasn't sad when I came across the baby stuff, I was hopeful. Hopeful that there is a baby out there that is supposed to be part of our family and I got a little giddy thinking about it! It will be sooo fun to decorate and celebrate something we've waited for and prayed for for so long. My poor baby will probably grow to hate monkeys since I think they're so cute, but I'll keep getting them until he/she is old enough to pick something new! Of course, if we end up with a boy I think we'll have some serious talks about an LSU nursery (but I have some great monkey stuff picked out if we are blessed with a girl!!).

Sometimes it's so very hard to move forward when you feel so completely out of control, but I know that for today, that is what I need to do. It doesn't mean I don't miss my babies, or wish that things had turned out differently, but putting my focus elsewhere seems to be where God is calling me now.

Speaking of where God is calling me...Some of you know that my move was less than desireable on my part, but I will say with complete conviction now, that God has put me exactly where I'm meant to be for now!! Why do I say that?!? Well, this weekend I was part of a retreat to kick off a great girls youth ministry at the church here. We went out to a ranch, bunked up in cabins, had a guest speaker, no cell phone or electronics, great food, and just had girl/God time. It was glorious to say the least, and I felt very peaceful, like God had led me exactly where I am supposed to be (funny how that works!!). So, for now, while I am without my own biological children here on earth, I will love on these girls with all of the love that God puts in me!!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Home Study

For those of you who have adopted or know anything about it, you know that in order to be able to adopt you must first complete a home study. This is an intense interview and tour of your home. The interview basically asks you questions to determine your emotional stability, to make sure you're actually ready to adopt. Our social worker (we'll call her Sue), came this evening to do the bulk of our home study. She was delightful really, very encouraging, talkative, and engaging. I wasn't really nervous about this part, as I've been told by some people what to expect, and it held true to what I had been told. I'd say the biggest issue was that Sean and I like to talk, and often talk over one another, but that proved humorous, as it does in our daily lives.

One thing I will say about the interview was that is solidified what I already know about us as a couple, that being the following: we are strong, solid, funny, on the same page, ready to expand our family, and have similar expectations! It was fun to listen to Sean's answers and to give my own, to see what we agreed completely on, and to know where we differed, ever so slightly.

For those of you going through the home study process, don't be scared, don't freak out, your home doesn't have to be white glove clean (though you know my OCD made me have mine that way), and don't stress about being overly prepared. It was actually a good experience. Like I said, we got to talk about us, where we are, how we came to that place, and where we'd like to go. Social workers are amazing people, I've found that from the ones I know, the ones I've worked with, and the ones I've seen personally. I'm greatful for this experience.

I also feel so much better, as I feel like I've been proactive, like we're actually doing something to reach our goal of adoption. A few steps forward feels good! When you battle infertility, you aren't in control, you have no say so (really), and your life seems so up in the air that you're constantly clinging to anything you can control (i.e. my running entry). This feels good, it feels positive, it feels healthy and we are even more excited about the possibility of adopting. We can't wait to add to our family, and I've found that I am just adding little things to the baby closet when I see something.

The other thing that I did recently that felt positive and productive was to decorate the bathroom that will be the baby's whenever that day comes. I kept making myself put it off until we actually had a baby, but then decided that I wanted it cute either way, and why not get that fun and expense out of the way! I must say, I'm happy with the results and will try to upload pics later! I couldn't possibly start the nursery, as it will be different depending on boy or girl, so that's on hold for now, but I'm getting ideas still!! :)

Thank you to everyone who prayed for us today as we tackled this step, we greatly appreciate your love and support! Keep praying for the right baby to meet up with our family, we know he or she is out there!!

Monday, January 4, 2010


When you live your life in two week segments like so many women who are trying to conceive, the disappointments seem to pile up. I can say that in December I wasn't as disappointed by the arrival of my monthly friend, simply because I had no faith that we had hit our 'window' for the month. However, I was more than disappointed to see my EDD come and go with no baby, no pregnancy, nothing to celebrate.

In talking to one of my friends tonight who is currently preparing for IVF, I told her, "I wish you and I could just go in the bedroom with our respective husbands, do the deed and come out with a healthy baby in 9 months. Is that so much to ask?". I don't think it's too much to ask, yet I feel surrounded by people that can't accomplish this, mostly from my other baby lost moms. Then the flip side is that there are foolish, irresponsible, immature people having babies everyday, babies that aren't taken care of, babies who aren't given every advantage possible, babies who are innocent and unable to care for themselves. It truly breaks my heart. My heart is broken. It's broken for those of us who try and try and try and never get pregnant, for those who try and get pregnant over and over only to lose those babies, for those of us who hope for babies in other ways and get let down. My heart is broken for all the pills that are taken, the needles that are injected, the tests that are endured, the heartache, and the disappointments that seem to pile up on us day after day.

My friend said she feels like she should be excited to be able to do IVF in a month or so, but really she's just sad, sad that life isn't just what we expected growing up. You get an education, you find the right man, you get married, you spend time together, then you want a baby, you have sex and you get a baby. Not so much and it's disappointing. It's so hard to watch it happen for person after person after person while it still doesn't happen for you. I sometimes just want to crawl under a rock and hide there until everyone forgets that there are children, or until I no longer want a baby, or until I magically come up with a baby.

In reading another blog, the author said she felt she should be hopeful with this new year, but she was reminded of all of the things that are not. For me, I'm approaching year three of trying for a baby, with two losses, the 3rd Christmas passed with no hopes of a baby coming, and month # 33 of 35 months with no pregnancy impending! I would like to be hopeful this year, but I can be honest and say that I'm trying to be hopeful and God gives me strength to be hopeful when I ask, but this moment, I'm feeling so frustrated!!