Remembrance Day

On this day every year there is a "gathering" of BLMs who take time to remember those babies we've lost. Typically I participate, change my profile picture and post here. Today I did not. I didn't change my profile picture or light candles or do anything in remembrance. 

The thing is there's rarely a day that goes by that I don't think of the two tiny beings that I held in my womb for 9wks 3days and 8w5d. Somehow in each day those babies, MY babies cross my mind. It's strange because grief can dwindle and you begin to think you're fine, but grief never disappears, it just lurks and hides until one day it knocks you on your backside again. Typically, I don't even recognize it at first, it's like an encidious smoke that begins to fill the air until it chokes you out. That's how it feels. That's how I feel sometimes. The invasion that comes seems to happen less frequently now, but that's what almost makes it worse. When grief is an all-consuming constant you know it is there and you accept it's presence. Appearing to leave and then creeping back in so slyly, it catches you off-guard, unaware, and unprepared to cope. 

For anyone who has lost a child this cycle is an ugly dance you're forced to dance forever. I hate that anyone I love knows or understands it, but I'm grateful for the blessings that have risen from the ashes of my loss and the friendships that have occurred with people who truly understand this "dance". 

Happiness is not at all void in your life just because grief is present.  Happiness and joy cloak me daily. I choose them both constantly and can't help but embrace them daily in my rainbow. Thank goodness there is joy, laughter, and happiness after the storm! Thank God for rainbows! 

Why Haven't I Written About this Before???

I saw my counselor today, which is always a good thing and helps me put things in a rational perspective.  She is very kind and considerate and remembers things that I've told her (good thing since I'm pretty sure that's in the job description and I think she has notes there in front of her!).  Anyhow, towards the end of my session today she asked me if I had read this book...

I had already noticed it on her desk, it's hard to miss with that great bright yellow cover and the adorable kid with a flat top on the front!  I told her that in fact I had read the book, and she asked me how it made me feel about my babies that I've lost.  Now, for those of you who have not yet read it, GET IT NOW!!!  Especially if you are a BLM!  I don't want to ruin it or give anything away, but I do believe it will bring you a special kind of peace about your loss.  (And now you can stop reading my review if you want nothing ruined)...






I told her that it made me feel confirmed in my feelings about my babies, made me feel good that they are in a place better than anything you or I could imagine.   There is nothing that takes away the pain of losing children, but to know that I will see them again one day, which I knew in my heart, (but it was nice for more confirmation) gives me hope and it makes the pain not so heavy, not so permanent!  I told her it also made me sad for the woman in the book, who had no confirmation, no closure on her loss, and for the many women who never mention their losses to anyone.  The women who never celebrate that they knew life within or grieve completely that it was lost.  This seems more true for the older generations of our parents, and our grandparents, who believe that therapy is hokey, medication is for the weak, and that if you just ignore a problem it will go away.  Sadly, losing a child doesn't go away and it's amazing the women in nursing homes who will share with you that they lost a baby 58 years ago and never talked about it.  It breaks my heart for them, and makes me want to reach out even more to those out there who have lost a child or suffered from infertility, to tell them "You are NOT alone!".  I pray that our society continues to reach out, to make taboo topics not so taboo, and to comfort people who are hurting and offer help.  I'm always here for anyone who needs to talk about these issues and am grateful each time someone who needs support reaches out, because I know what having support has done for me!

Now, go get this book! It's amazing and an easy quick read that will leave you feeling good and peaceful and hopeful and grateful!

It helps...

When someone remembers our babies.  Very few people mention them by name or refer to them at all, and I guess that's to be expected, but for me it's sad.  It's sad that their lives seem to matter so little to everyone else.  Oftentimes I feel like even Foxy has forgotten (I  know he hasn't really, but he never mentions it either).  The fact of the matter is I've felt like  mother for almost 3 years now, since that first stick had a sweet "pregnant" on it.  I still know that this Friday was Layla's due date and that we should be having a sweet 2nd birthday party for her, and I see little girls that age and sometimes my heart cringes just a little.  I know I'm not the only one, and it took me a few days to even recognize why I was feeling sad, but now I know.  April 15th is forever tax day to the whole world, but to me it's always Layla's would be birthday (and yes I'm well aware that most babies aren't born on their due dates, but it's all I've got).

So, Friday I may or may not blog about that first pregnancy and how it changed my life, but today I wanted to mention it, and I wanted to say thank you to my sweet Nan for sending me a great picture text this am of her triplet girls' tree blooming and sending love to our angel babies!

Sending love to all of your sweet babies in heaven!

Pregnancy Announcements abound

They are getting easier to hear, but they still sting. And it does seem like they are everywhere right now. Most of the ones I've heard lately are from fellow BLMs, which makes them so very bittersweet. There is nothing more that I wish for my sweet friends. Some of them are announcements that I'd rather not hear, and some make me really sad that it's not my announcement. Maybe that will always be the case, but I'm sure once Cala is here and in my arms, the announcements won't be nearly as hard to hear.

This brings me to a blogpost that I read just now on Anchored By Hope, you should check out the poem, it's very insightful!

We had a good time last night with friends here in Tyler and I was very happy that my dearest friend, Shawn, came over from Shreveport. I miss her a lot and it was just good to have her here and comfortable to have someone who knows you well enough to know that the reason you really like Drug Emporium is because they have cinnamon Certs (no one carries those anymore and they're my fav!!). I'm very blessed with very great friends, and Shawn is loyal beyond what could ever be expected.

When I mention a friend on here, I'm always worried that someone will get their feelings hurt that they weren't mentioned, that's not my intention, like I said I have many many many great friends that bless me beyond measure.

In saying that I'd also like to say Happy 3rd Birthday to my sweet godson, Henry, who is about the cutest little boy that you've ever seen, and I'm not biased! ;)

Finally, I want to just say thank you to everyone who has been praying for us lately. I know that you've been praying for a long time, but this past week I've been so filled with peace and calm, that I know that it has to be attributed to intercessory prayer, so thank you, ALL of you!!