Why Haven't I Written About this Before???

I saw my counselor today, which is always a good thing and helps me put things in a rational perspective.  She is very kind and considerate and remembers things that I've told her (good thing since I'm pretty sure that's in the job description and I think she has notes there in front of her!).  Anyhow, towards the end of my session today she asked me if I had read this book...

I had already noticed it on her desk, it's hard to miss with that great bright yellow cover and the adorable kid with a flat top on the front!  I told her that in fact I had read the book, and she asked me how it made me feel about my babies that I've lost.  Now, for those of you who have not yet read it, GET IT NOW!!!  Especially if you are a BLM!  I don't want to ruin it or give anything away, but I do believe it will bring you a special kind of peace about your loss.  (And now you can stop reading my review if you want nothing ruined)...






I told her that it made me feel confirmed in my feelings about my babies, made me feel good that they are in a place better than anything you or I could imagine.   There is nothing that takes away the pain of losing children, but to know that I will see them again one day, which I knew in my heart, (but it was nice for more confirmation) gives me hope and it makes the pain not so heavy, not so permanent!  I told her it also made me sad for the woman in the book, who had no confirmation, no closure on her loss, and for the many women who never mention their losses to anyone.  The women who never celebrate that they knew life within or grieve completely that it was lost.  This seems more true for the older generations of our parents, and our grandparents, who believe that therapy is hokey, medication is for the weak, and that if you just ignore a problem it will go away.  Sadly, losing a child doesn't go away and it's amazing the women in nursing homes who will share with you that they lost a baby 58 years ago and never talked about it.  It breaks my heart for them, and makes me want to reach out even more to those out there who have lost a child or suffered from infertility, to tell them "You are NOT alone!".  I pray that our society continues to reach out, to make taboo topics not so taboo, and to comfort people who are hurting and offer help.  I'm always here for anyone who needs to talk about these issues and am grateful each time someone who needs support reaches out, because I know what having support has done for me!

Now, go get this book! It's amazing and an easy quick read that will leave you feeling good and peaceful and hopeful and grateful!

HOPE

Sometimes on this road of infertility, the wind can get knocked out of your sails. Without great family and friends it could be very easy to just give up, to quit and to accept defeat. The fear of what can go wrong can seriously overwhelm you, especially when the hits keep coming. Today I cling to the verse in 2 Timothy 1:7 "God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid but a spirit of power and love and self-control!". I am claiming the power that God gives each of us and that He has a plan for me "they are plans of good and not of disaster, to give you a future and HOPE!" Jeremiah 29:11. Thanks to my sweet kindred spirit for sending me that one today!!

I BELIEVE that God will answer any prayers when we pray with a heart like His, and I believe that he understands our pain, as stated here:

Psalm 119:28 (New International Version)

²⁸ My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word.

And I know that He is with me always, as this verse demonstrates. I found this verse after my first loss and again came across it after the second. My sweet friend, Karla (mother to the sweet twins born at 32w,4d, who are totally fat and adorable, home and doing great now!), sent me some great verses last night! It is great to have friends who encourage me so, not allow me to wallow in sadness or despair!

Psalm 34:18 (New International Version)

¹⁸ The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 40:1-3 (New International Version)

¹ I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

³ He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

I remember praying for patience before, and I'm learning that He is teaching it to me, and teaching me to trust in Him completely with no other focus, no other dependency. In Him alone I will put my faith!!!

Psalm 145:18-19 (New International Version)

¹⁸ The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.

¹⁹ He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.

I really like this one, as I love to sing, I love to worship God in song, and the thought of Him singing over me is so comforting!!

Zephaniah 3:17 (New International Version)

¹⁷ The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

And finally, I leave you with my favorite scripture ever. This one I have claimed for years, and even cross-stitched when I was in high school (yes, I did cross-stitch!). The promise of Him NEVER leaving me is so comforting because I know in this journey through infertility and loss you often feel alone, and it's when I feel the most alone that His peace overwhelms me and I REST in the knowledge that He is in control!!

Isaiah 54:10 (American Standard Version)

¹⁰ For the mountains may depart, and the hills be removed; but my lovingkindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall my covenant of peace be removed, saith Jehovah that hath mercy on thee.

There were lots of hopeful blog posts today and for that I'm grateful as well. I want to share a quote from Once a Mother's blog that she read on a friends fb...

"Don't let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present!!" Can I get an AMEN?!!? Send her some love too, she's on week 7 of bed rest and for anyone who has been on it, you know that it can really wear on your soul!

Continuing in HOPE and BELIEVING that God will provide!!!

Greatful

During the month of November I posted something that I was greatful for everyday as my status on facebook. Would that we would all do that year round!!! Today I have to talk about what I'm greatful for through this turmoil of losing my babies and having difficulty conceiving again.

I am first of all greatful to God for hearing my cries of distress, cries of anger, cries of pain, cries of joy, cries of grief, and cries against Him, and continuing to love me unconditionally. It's amazing the things He puts up with. One of my sweet youth had as her status the other day "God would rather you yell at Him than not talk to Him at all." Wise beyond her years that sweet girl is!! God's mercy covers me even when I refuse/refused to talk to Him. And He speaks to me, in the small things, like a butterfly, or the smell of nature, or the presence of my husband.

Secondly, I'm greatful for my children. I can honestly say that I didn't know love like that. I've loved so strongly, so deeply, so passionately (yes, his name is Sean, not Keith Urban!), but the love you instantly have for your child is completely different. I am greatful to have known that, to see what I was/am capable of now and in the future. That strong love spurs me to do things to honor my babies (note the pretty ornaments (: !).

Thirdly (and this isn't daily order) I'm greatful for my husband. A man who can see you balled up on the bathroom floor crying your eyes out and screaming your worst fears and sit with you and allow you to do that is a real man. My husband is the best man! His love and support (though certainly that of a man, you all understand) keep me going and he just makes me smile!!

Lately and throughout this whole process I've been overwhelmed (and at times underwhelmed) by the love and support that I've gotten from my friends and family, from other baby lost moms whom I've never and may never meet (that's not acceptable for some of you!!). To have my friends allow me to talk and share things that are really uncomfortable, and some to even cry with me, to have that kind of support is divine. Knowing that I can come to my friends and say things that 'shouldn't be said outloud' and know that they aren't going to a) committ me, b) judge me, or c) try to change how I feel, that is a blessing!

I'm greatful that their are options for those of us who are babylost and struggling with making new babies to love. I'm greatful that one day someone else will give birth to a baby and allow me to love him/her as my own. I'm greatful for other people who've walked this road who are willing to tell their story, to share their pain and joy, and to make me feel more human.

I'm greatful for so many people and I couldn't begin to name them all, but I hope you know who you are and how greatful I am to have you in my life!

I cannot say that I'm greatful that I've had two miscarriages, for that would be a lie. I would've lived the rest of my life in happy oblivion not knowing this whole circuit of ladies whom I've met, but that I have met you all, that is where God just keeps showing up (even when I'm being a big brat!!).

Greatful.

Great things He has done and will continue to do! I saw this verse on someone's blog this week (I can't remember which one as I've seen so many great ones!!), but it was Jeremiah 31:3. I looked up a lot of the versions (thank you iphone app), and this one really said it...I don't always like the message version, but what's not to love about these words from God...

"I've never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love."

I'm expecting it, but what's more amazing is the amount with which I've already received it! I'm greatful for my people!