During the month of November I posted something that I was greatful for everyday as my status on facebook. Would that we would all do that year round!!! Today I have to talk about what I'm greatful for through this turmoil of losing my babies and having difficulty conceiving again.
I am first of all greatful to God for hearing my cries of distress, cries of anger, cries of pain, cries of joy, cries of grief, and cries against Him, and continuing to love me unconditionally. It's amazing the things He puts up with. One of my sweet youth had as her status the other day "God would rather you yell at Him than not talk to Him at all." Wise beyond her years that sweet girl is!! God's mercy covers me even when I refuse/refused to talk to Him. And He speaks to me, in the small things, like a butterfly, or the smell of nature, or the presence of my husband.
Secondly, I'm greatful for my children. I can honestly say that I didn't know love like that. I've loved so strongly, so deeply, so passionately (yes, his name is Sean, not Keith Urban!), but the love you instantly have for your child is completely different. I am greatful to have known that, to see what I was/am capable of now and in the future. That strong love spurs me to do things to honor my babies (note the pretty ornaments (: !).
Thirdly (and this isn't daily order) I'm greatful for my husband. A man who can see you balled up on the bathroom floor crying your eyes out and screaming your worst fears and sit with you and allow you to do that is a real man. My husband is the best man! His love and support (though certainly that of a man, you all understand) keep me going and he just makes me smile!!
Lately and throughout this whole process I've been overwhelmed (and at times underwhelmed) by the love and support that I've gotten from my friends and family, from other baby lost moms whom I've never and may never meet (that's not acceptable for some of you!!). To have my friends allow me to talk and share things that are really uncomfortable, and some to even cry with me, to have that kind of support is divine. Knowing that I can come to my friends and say things that 'shouldn't be said outloud' and know that they aren't going to a) committ me, b) judge me, or c) try to change how I feel, that is a blessing!
I'm greatful that their are options for those of us who are babylost and struggling with making new babies to love. I'm greatful that one day someone else will give birth to a baby and allow me to love him/her as my own. I'm greatful for other people who've walked this road who are willing to tell their story, to share their pain and joy, and to make me feel more human.
I'm greatful for so many people and I couldn't begin to name them all, but I hope you know who you are and how greatful I am to have you in my life!
I cannot say that I'm greatful that I've had two miscarriages, for that would be a lie. I would've lived the rest of my life in happy oblivion not knowing this whole circuit of ladies whom I've met, but that I have met you all, that is where God just keeps showing up (even when I'm being a big brat!!).
Great things He has done and will continue to do! I saw this verse on someone's blog this week (I can't remember which one as I've seen so many great ones!!), but it was Jeremiah 31:3. I looked up a lot of the versions (thank you iphone app), and this one really said it...I don't always like the message version, but what's not to love about these words from God...
"I've never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love."
I'm expecting it, but what's more amazing is the amount with which I've already received it! I'm greatful for my people!
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