Grief is a tricky little sucker! It sneaks up on you when you are least expecting it. I am grief stricken. My second baby was due to be born on New Year's Eve this year (before the due date was pushed back secondary to poor development), and that impending date is wearing on me horribly. To one who has never experienced such loss, you could never know what it is to live each day plagued by what is not. I'm generally a very positive, upbeat person, but this grief binds me. It tears at my soul when I least expect it. Take today for instance, I went to church here in Tyler, and it was a beautiful sermon, I felt tailor made for me! Dr. Robbins discussed the miracle of Mary being pregnant with baby Jesus, but he also talked about the miracles of Sarah and Elizabeth who were barren for so long that they had no hopes of having children, yet became pregnant very late in life (way later than we'll ever see!!). It was a sermon full of hope for me, full of the promises that God fulfills. He also told about a person in one of his previous churches who struggled so long with infertility and almost gave up, but after many years did become pregnant and had a sweet healthy baby. HOPE, again I hear that message, and I cling to it, but in the same foul swoop, in comes grief and it overwhelms me. It pulls me down so far that I'm certain that I'm drowning, and my biggest fear in life is drowning (it's very irrational). So, in visiting some of my other babylost mom's blogs I came across this video that shares just a little more of the pain we feel, in a very beautiful way...
www.tearsandhope.com then click on the video link "Empty Arms"
I've found that though Christmas time is my favorite time of the year, I'm very apathetic about it all. I have to force myself to wrap gifts, and the outside lights aren't up because I just didn't have the fight in me to get them there. I told my husband that it continues to be a daily struggle to put one foot in front of the other, and that I'd appreciate a little support for how well I am doing!
Broken hearts abound during this season, some of us do well, while others breakdown. My sweet friend Andrea at http://persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com/ did an outreach project and collect clothes for the homeless in her son's name, what a pillar of strength and HOPE!
There is pain in my heart, but there is also HOPE as a baby was born to take away the sins of man, born to carry our shame and pain, born to save a wretch like me, and I know there is HOPE in my savior! God will not give me more than I can bear (how I wish He didn't have such faith in me!!).
Goodbye 2nd Grade, Goodbye Kindergarten
1 week ago