"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Sunday, December 20, 2009


Grief is a tricky little sucker! It sneaks up on you when you are least expecting it. I am grief stricken. My second baby was due to be born on New Year's Eve this year (before the due date was pushed back secondary to poor development), and that impending date is wearing on me horribly. To one who has never experienced such loss, you could never know what it is to live each day plagued by what is not. I'm generally a very positive, upbeat person, but this grief binds me. It tears at my soul when I least expect it. Take today for instance, I went to church here in Tyler, and it was a beautiful sermon, I felt tailor made for me! Dr. Robbins discussed the miracle of Mary being pregnant with baby Jesus, but he also talked about the miracles of Sarah and Elizabeth who were barren for so long that they had no hopes of having children, yet became pregnant very late in life (way later than we'll ever see!!). It was a sermon full of hope for me, full of the promises that God fulfills. He also told about a person in one of his previous churches who struggled so long with infertility and almost gave up, but after many years did become pregnant and had a sweet healthy baby. HOPE, again I hear that message, and I cling to it, but in the same foul swoop, in comes grief and it overwhelms me. It pulls me down so far that I'm certain that I'm drowning, and my biggest fear in life is drowning (it's very irrational). So, in visiting some of my other babylost mom's blogs I came across this video that shares just a little more of the pain we feel, in a very beautiful way... then click on the video link "Empty Arms"

I've found that though Christmas time is my favorite time of the year, I'm very apathetic about it all. I have to force myself to wrap gifts, and the outside lights aren't up because I just didn't have the fight in me to get them there. I told my husband that it continues to be a daily struggle to put one foot in front of the other, and that I'd appreciate a little support for how well I am doing!

Broken hearts abound during this season, some of us do well, while others breakdown. My sweet friend Andrea at did an outreach project and collect clothes for the homeless in her son's name, what a pillar of strength and HOPE!

There is pain in my heart, but there is also HOPE as a baby was born to take away the sins of man, born to carry our shame and pain, born to save a wretch like me, and I know there is HOPE in my savior! God will not give me more than I can bear (how I wish He didn't have such faith in me!!).


  1. Amen! Well said. Today i went to church feeling grief stricken and guess what our sermon was about! HAVING FAITH! if i didn't tell you i needed to hear that! So i am sending it along to you! Here's a Heap of Faith sent your way. When you're feeling down just hold on to this and know that i am holding your hand.

  2. My Kindred Spirit,

    I'm so sorry you are blue...grief is an awful thing and I recently read this quote "Just as you think the grief has passed, it finds its way back" This journey is a long one full of twists and turns that we don't understand. For me, the "unknown" is my greatest fear. In the back of my mind I wonder if I will ever come to know and Earthly child of my own. Quickly, I try to change gears and find that ray of HOPE, as HOPE is ever present :) I believe in our destiny of Motherhood! We won't give up, we won't drown, but we WILL find ourselves at the finish line, babies in arms, I promise!

    You'll not go through the dreaded EDD alone, I won't let you. The days leading up are the worst and I feel as if we are getting a double dose of greif with EDD's coupled with Christmas. Hang in's bumpy, but I have FAITH that we're gonna make it!

    Thank you so much for those sweet words and for remembering my angel :) It always helps to know someone remembers your child.

    Love, Hugs and Prayers as we remember or Angels:
    Christian Noel


  3. Hi Deni !

    I have found your blog through Andreas blog.
    I noticed you dont come to the "coping with m/c forum " anymore.
    I guess you might feel its too sensitive to hear about all the sad stories , I feel like that sometimes and take a break from it.

    so sorry to hear that you have hard days now ,I do understand you so much as I had my EDD in dec as well .
    I too have mixed feelings about Christmas now and dont enjoy it as I used too but yet I try to keep my hope up thinking that this year was a bad one but maybe the next year 2010 will be a lucky one for all of us .
    Im nearly obsessed with doing something special this New Years Eve, to organize a nice night out , to wave goodbye to the old bad year 2009 and welcome the new hopefully much better 2010.
    I cling on to that hope .

    I wonder if you still do acupuncture?
    I tried it only three times so far because my acupuncturist was travelling and so was I so I had to take a break ( Had planned to do it for three months ) I have to say that I notice a difference and my periods are regular now and that gives me some hope as well.
    Do you also find positive effects after the acupuncture? I was very sceptical in the beginning but now Im more positive towards it .
    If you get a chance please send me an email too :

    Sending you tons of love and hugs and hope - Angie H

  4. I'm so sorry. You will be in my prayers as the due date approaches. Those who have experienced loss know that there are several of those special dates throughout the year that are particularly hard. The sadness sometimes comes out of the blue, but it's pretty overwhelming.

    I appreciate the reminders on your blog to keep putting our hope in the Lord despite our circumstances. I know you are encouraging so many with your blog, myself included!

    (P.S. I love that Empty Arms video. It has really touched my heart, too.)