"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Why Haven't I Written About this Before???

I saw my counselor today, which is always a good thing and helps me put things in a rational perspective.  She is very kind and considerate and remembers things that I've told her (good thing since I'm pretty sure that's in the job description and I think she has notes there in front of her!).  Anyhow, towards the end of my session today she asked me if I had read this book...
I had already noticed it on her desk, it's hard to miss with that great bright yellow cover and the adorable kid with a flat top on the front!  I told her that in fact I had read the book, and she asked me how it made me feel about my babies that I've lost.  Now, for those of you who have not yet read it, GET IT NOW!!!  Especially if you are a BLM!  I don't want to ruin it or give anything away, but I do believe it will bring you a special kind of peace about your loss.  (And now you can stop reading my review if you want nothing ruined)...

I told her that it made me feel confirmed in my feelings about my babies, made me feel good that they are in a place better than anything you or I could imagine.   There is nothing that takes away the pain of losing children, but to know that I will see them again one day, which I knew in my heart, (but it was nice for more confirmation) gives me hope and it makes the pain not so heavy, not so permanent!  I told her it also made me sad for the woman in the book, who had no confirmation, no closure on her loss, and for the many women who never mention their losses to anyone.  The women who never celebrate that they knew life within or grieve completely that it was lost.  This seems more true for the older generations of our parents, and our grandparents, who believe that therapy is hokey, medication is for the weak, and that if you just ignore a problem it will go away.  Sadly, losing a child doesn't go away and it's amazing the women in nursing homes who will share with you that they lost a baby 58 years ago and never talked about it.  It breaks my heart for them, and makes me want to reach out even more to those out there who have lost a child or suffered from infertility, to tell them "You are NOT alone!".  I pray that our society continues to reach out, to make taboo topics not so taboo, and to comfort people who are hurting and offer help.  I'm always here for anyone who needs to talk about these issues and am grateful each time someone who needs support reaches out, because I know what having support has done for me!

Now, go get this book! It's amazing and an easy quick read that will leave you feeling good and peaceful and hopeful and grateful!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Written by an RE, who obviously "gets it"

I borrowed this from my friend, Kat's fb page...


This is so true. Very touching. Another neat note on the sacrifices Mothers-to-Be make on a daily basis for the children they don't even have yet... Written by a Fertility Dr in Arizona on Mother's Day...

She broke the bread into two fragments, and gave them to the children, who ate with avidity. “She has kept none for herself,” grumbled the sergeant. “Because she is not hungry,” said a soldier. “Because she is a mother,” said the sergeant. – Victor Hugo

The other day I ran into another one of those patients that always makes me smile when I see her. She brought me up to date on what was happening in her life. It was a story of debilitating pain and multiple surgeries to try and relieve the pain. Instead of relief she developed a tumor in the area that required more surgery. In the end she was still in just as much pain and on chronic medications for it. I expressed my heartfelt sympathy for what she has had to go through. She smiled and said she’s fine and that she is almost off of the pain medications because she is planning to come to see me soon to try to have another baby. She was coming off of the medications not because she didn’t have pain, she was coming off of the medication because she wanted to have another baby. I looked into her eyes – and her smile and realized I am a better person for knowing her.

Mother’s day is upon us. It is not that welcome of a holiday for my patients. Gifts passed out at church or given by a well meaning spouse do little to fill the void of yearning that brings them to my office. We hear stories about the great love, sacrifice and courage that mother’s have for their children, but little is said about the incredible love, sacrifice and courage of my “mothers-to-be”.

It takes incredible courage to acknowledge that there is even a problem. We all want to believe that we are in control of our lives and to acknowledge that there is a fertility problem is to internalize a lack of control over this incredibly sensitive part of their lives.

It takes courage to seek medical attention. No one likes to see doctors (I’m over a year late for my colonoscopy), and the trip to the fertility doctor is a particularly difficult journey.

It takes courage to undergo procedures that are not comfortable and are in an area where discomfort is particularly unwanted.

It takes courage to face the possibility of disappointment. Studies have shown that when a woman experiencing infertility has a period, indicating that once again she is not pregnant, she experiences the same degree of grief as if her brother or sister had just died. Most of us will go through that only once or twice in our lifetime. Imagine going through that every month for years. Then imagine going through a specific procedure to get pregnant and having it not work.

It takes courage to hope that it will work the first time and proceed , and even greater courage to experience a failed attempt and then turn around and have the courage to hope again.

These women undergo great sacrifices.

They sacrifice the intimacy of what was supposed to be a wonderful and intensely personal experience with their partner for a doctor’s office.

They sacrifice time on often repetitive visits for monitoring and procedures.

They sacrifice financial resources as they struggle to have something that everyone around them seems to receive without thought and sometimes with disdain.

They sacrifice personal comfort, sometimes thinking that if they experience pain, they will be more worthy of the “gain” they so desperately seek.

Why? Why do they do this? They do this for the same reason the mother gives her bread and goes without. They do it for love. The only difference is that they do it for a deep abiding love for a child that they have not yet held, a voice they have not yet heard, a smile they have not yet seen, and a touch they have not yet felt.

My smiling patient had experienced infertility for 10 months when she came to see me. It was clear that each passing month was difficult. She had endometriosis and her husband had a sperm problem. We unfortunately discovered that her biological clock was more advanced than it should have been. When two months of inseminations failed, she went immediately to IVF. She required high doses of medication to produce 9 eggs but only made 4 embryos. One of them would be her beautiful baby boy.

Sixteen months after delivery, she was back for a brother or sister. She did IVF again. Similar story with a positive pregnancy test but then the pregnancy hormone dropped, leaving her with what is called a “biochemical pregnancy”. The pain from her medical condition had reached a peak and she had to stop infertility treatment to pursue that. She returned two years later after many surgeries and no relief in her pain with the intent to continue but could not. She returns now two years later having experienced a tumor where her pain surgeries had been and having had an additional 7 biochemical pregnancies – and she still wears a smile. She is the epitome of the courage, sacrifice, and love that characterizes mothers in general and the “mothers-to-be” that I have the privilege of associating with every day.

To each of them and to mother’s everywhere, Happy Mother’s day!

Drew V. Moffitt, M.D., FACOG, is the co-medical director of the Arizona Reproductive Medicine Specialists (ARMS), the director of the Division of Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility at Good Samaritan Regional Medical Center and an assistant professor at the University of Arizona. He is now president of ARMS and director of the Division of Reproductive Medicine and infertility for the residency program at Good Samaritan Regional Medical Center. Dr. Moffitt has significant clinical experience in assisted reproductive technologies and reproductive surgery.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Photo Quotes

So, at the suggestion of a friend I've decided since I LOVE posting pics of my fur babies, to start a "make a quote to go with this pic" blogpost once a week!!!

So, I'll post a pic of the dogs (and cat if he ever cooperates) and y'all tell me what they are thinking or saying! I am considering prizes for very funny ones!

We shall start with this one...

Post away!!! (This is Noble, our 6 yr old female shepherd laying on my pillow).

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Friday, May 20, 2011

The saga of File'

So, about 3 months ago we adopted sweet File'.  I really do love this dog, though she's a little neurotic, and by this I mean, we've had to put her on doggy prozac because she has extreme separation anxiety.  Let's be real, she just has extreme anxiety ALL THE TIME.  It's hard to blame her as she was just dumped somewhere and left to die basically, which may be dramatic, but seriously, the dog had heart worms and was just dropped off.

It seems as though every day there is something new going on with this sweet chocolate lab.  Lately her fur has been looking kinda weird, just splotchy and uneven, and a different color than her coat!  So, I called the vet and they wanted her to come in for a check-up post heart worm treatment, wanted to check and make sure her heart is okay.   She has gained some weight, which is good because she was skin and bones when we got her and we've been trying to fatten her up some!  Doctor says that her fur abnormality is nothing to worry about, that oftentimes when an animal has a bad illness their hair will come back in differently.  It should even out in the next 3-4 months.

However, the saga with this sweet animal continues... I mentioned that is seems like her back haunches are thin and weak and when she climbs up into the car she has a hard time getting her back end up in their, and when she jumps off the bed her back legs slide out from under her a lot.  So, Dr. L decided to do an x-ray.  When he called me to come back and see the x-ray I was pretty sure that something wasn't completely right.  He explained very well what the problem was, and the diagnosis is...bilateral hip dysplasia.  This made me want to cry immediately, but I saved it until I got in the car and called Foxy.  I told him about the diagnosis and proceeded to cry.  We have deduced that the previous owners probably found out that our little chocolate bar had the heart worms and dysplasia and probably just didn't want to deal with it, so they dumped her.  While we're not foreseeing any great hunting out of her like we had anticipated, we are certain that we can love her a lot and make her much more comfortable than those awful people ever did.

So, she's on some anti-inflammatory medicine for a few days, then as needed, and also on some glucosamine to help lubricate her joints better (the dogs' food already contains that, but she needs more).  Bless her heart the doctor also said she needs to trim down--so all our hard work down the drain.  He says the thinner she is the better, so she's on a special diet for a while, poor girl sore joints and a diet, who likes a diet??  Not me!  Lucky for File' Gumbo, the doctor also prescribed swimming, so out to the lake the chocolate bar goes, which she LOVES!!  Says that's the best exercise to be easy on her joints!

Who knew we'd have such high maintenance animals?!?!  So, all these silly dogs will continue to be spoiled and not worked!  This also makes Foxy think we need a new lab puppy "for hunting" next year--we shall see!  I'm thinking four dogs, a cat, and a baby may have us busy enough!!!

On a completely different note, I purchased some Almond Joy pieces today, this is yummy goodness that you should try, and the best part???  Foxy doesn't like coconut, so they'll be around a little longer :)

Happy Friday everyone!!!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Some things that don't change...

As a BLM I'm learning that some things don't change, even though I thought they would.

It still infuriates me to see pregnant women smoking. I found this past weekend it also makes me twitch when they go on and on and on about quitting smoking when they found out about their unplanned pregnancy and how proud they are of themselves.

Seeing pregnant people still gives me a slight tug at my heart, like I'll never forget that longing and pain I had for so long! Then I think about people who see me and feel the same way, and wish I knew who they were so I could lend a word of comfort!

Using ART, I don't know that I'll ever not kinda wish it could have just happened "the old-fashioned" way and I have friends who I know mourn that loss more than I do even.

I'll never enjoy hearing someone suggest "why don't you just try...". Oh, amazing I had not thought of that and it sounds as easy as picking up a pizza for dinner!

My heart will never not break for those on this terrible road and I'll never not rejoice just a tiny bit more for those who finally reach success who have struggled so hard for what comes so easy to most!

And the last one is maybe the hardest...Baby Showers will never be the same for me. This past weekend my mom and my friend, Keiah, honored my babies, Layla and Michael, while also honoring sweet Cala, and that meant the world to me. Something about showers leaves so many BLMs sad (for showers they never had, for planned showers that didn't happen, for showers that were not followed by a baby coming home) or anxious (am I jinxing this pregnancy?, will this baby actually come home with me? Has everyone forgotten my lost babies but me?). It's such a rare catch 22 of complete elation and complete sadness/anxiety. I've been blessed to have so many people loving and supporting me through this journey and celebrating with me and I'm so grateful for those who have kept positive throughout and helped me to do the same!

But being a BLM some things will always be different.

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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Wordless Wesnesday

What do you think they're talking about???

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Monday, May 9, 2011

RE Question

Hello to all my bloggie friends!

I have a question.  There is a blogger out there looking for a good RE in the San Antonio area.  Can anyone help with suggestions?  Info on good and bad experiences welcomed so that I can share!  Thanks in advance for helping out another person seeking good care!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mothers Day

This is a day that stings for so many people, those who've lost children (either in utero or afterwards), and those who are wishing, hoping, praying, taking drugs, poking themselves with needles, enduring countless exams, taking horrible hormones, and crying tears of disappointment constantly to become mothers! This day can be so painful as those around us are constantly honored and congratulated for something that we have NOT chosen to miss out on! This is a disease or disorder that we have no more choice about than anyone else who suffers a disease does.

I just want to send love to all the babylost mommies and infertiles who endure this holiday with tears and hurt! Sending you lots of hugs today!

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Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Vaca pics (baby names)

As I mentioned before, in March Foxy and I went to Amelia Island for a short vacation (i.e. Foxy had continuing ed!).  Here are some of the pics, mostly names in the sand that I got while there (along with a killer sunburn)...

                                                 We really liked the birdies!!!!

                                              For Britt...

                                             For Shandrea...

                                              For Andrea...

                                                  For Nan...

                                                 For Angie...

                         For Angie, Nan, Shandrea, and Andrea--thank you all for so much!!!

                                               Toes in the sand...

                                    These were everywhere, love me some quadrefoils...

It was a great trip and I'm so glad that we did it!  I enjoyed the names in the sand for my girls!  Sending love to all of those angel babies that brought us together.  I wouldn't be where I am now without the love and support of all you wonderful ladies!