Remembrance Day

On this day every year there is a "gathering" of BLMs who take time to remember those babies we've lost. Typically I participate, change my profile picture and post here. Today I did not. I didn't change my profile picture or light candles or do anything in remembrance. 

The thing is there's rarely a day that goes by that I don't think of the two tiny beings that I held in my womb for 9wks 3days and 8w5d. Somehow in each day those babies, MY babies cross my mind. It's strange because grief can dwindle and you begin to think you're fine, but grief never disappears, it just lurks and hides until one day it knocks you on your backside again. Typically, I don't even recognize it at first, it's like an encidious smoke that begins to fill the air until it chokes you out. That's how it feels. That's how I feel sometimes. The invasion that comes seems to happen less frequently now, but that's what almost makes it worse. When grief is an all-consuming constant you know it is there and you accept it's presence. Appearing to leave and then creeping back in so slyly, it catches you off-guard, unaware, and unprepared to cope. 

For anyone who has lost a child this cycle is an ugly dance you're forced to dance forever. I hate that anyone I love knows or understands it, but I'm grateful for the blessings that have risen from the ashes of my loss and the friendships that have occurred with people who truly understand this "dance". 

Happiness is not at all void in your life just because grief is present.  Happiness and joy cloak me daily. I choose them both constantly and can't help but embrace them daily in my rainbow. Thank goodness there is joy, laughter, and happiness after the storm! Thank God for rainbows! 

Pregnancy abounds...

but not yet for me. I have debated over and over on this post, and in favor of being honest and saying what so many people can't seem to say, here it is...

Four of my dearest friends are pregnant, I've found this all out in a matter of weeks. I can't begin to tell you what this does to me, it's such a happy time, so wonderful for them and such a blessing! Still, it is completely overwhelming for this girl who has watched 44 months pass with only 2 positive pregnancy tests and countless other babies born. Two of these friends are having their second babies, one is a BLM, and one has been trying for a long time and endured much heartache waiting for her dream to come true too. Having these friends have their dreams come true does give me hope, helps me know that dreams do come true, but it really is hard. The hard part is watching what I so desperately want happen to other people while it doesn't happen to me. It's so hard to have to defend myself, or feel the need to defend myself because I can't always jump up and down with joy for someone else, to feel bad because I can't be sympathetic about their pregnancy woes (because I'd kill for nausea, or sleep deprivation, or to have to pass on the delicious medium steak and goat cheese potatoes that I had for dinner--yummy!), to be unable to ask questions some days, and to continuously feel lapped.

I am trying very hard to be supportive, but some days are really hard, some days I see a baby that is the age that either of my children would be and I'm a mess. All of these friends have been exceptional to me through all of the loss we've endured. Each of them has asked me more than once how I feel, listened to me cry, and supported me, which is why I'm trying really hard to be as supportive of them as they've been to me. It does make a difference that these girls have been such great friends to me, it makes supporting them much easier, but it doesn't make it easy.

If you are pregnant and you have a friend who is desperately trying to get pregnant, or who has experienced loss, please know that they aren't trying to be hateful to you, that they aren't NOT happy for you, that they aren't mean horrible people. We are human, we are hurting, we are trying to navigate this life that no one would ever choose, and that we are clueless on how to get through. There is no manual on how to be a great friend to your friend who losses a baby, nor is there one on how to be a good friend when your friend has a baby and you don't. Please be patient with us, and know that we do love you, we are happy for you, but that grief is a devastating thing that sometimes controls us far more than we can control!

P.S. Special thank you to my sweet friend Rachel at Triplet Butterfly Wings for the butterfly release in honor of Layla and Michael (picture above).

Special post

So, before Sean left last week, he came into the bathroom while I was blow-drying my hair and handed me a bag with a bit of a sullen look on his face. I opened it and inside were this bracelet and a matching necklace. Let me just say that pearls are my favorite stone ever because my mom has always called me her "pearl girl". So, this jewelry set was very precious, as it was made of pearls and has Calla Lillies on it. He said it bought them intending to give it to me after the adoption, but since that didn't happen he had been wondering when would be a good time to give them to me. I could tell he was sad, and then he said that he is sad and having a hard time with all of this. He told me "I just hope maybe this can bring us some good karma!". I told him that we will still have "our" Cala one day, some way, some how! Needless to say, I treasure this jewelry far above lots of other things I've received. My husband is a doll and very sweet, though sometimes other people don't see it. I'm very blessed to have been given the gift of him to walk this very hard road with, as I don't know how I would navigate it all without him.

I must also give a big shout out to Emily for picking this set out in New Orleans and calling Sean to tell him about it and "suggest" that he buy it!! Thanks E-Lee for that and for being a great friend!

I've gotten multiple compliments each time I've worn the set and I just love it!! Very special, and I continue to pray for our Cala Fay and wait for her arrival into our lives, in God's perfect timing!

NIAW

Today I will write about something very near and dear to my heart (that may be the wrong words). It's National Infertility Awareness Week! Not that infertility is anything to rejoice about, but I am happy to know that awareness is at least increasing! For years people didn't talk about cancer either, as if it were contagious if mentioned, or as if anyone had any control over it! I pray that the level of awareness for infertility can be raised as well. Infertility is not contagious (though many people who went to college where I did around my age, think something may have been in the water), nor is it something that can be controlled. Infertility affects all kinds of people, fat, skinny, tall, short, athletic, sedintary, healthy, unhealthy, happy-go-lucky, pessimistic. Infertility has no shame, no agenda, it's not hereditary in most cases (there are some genetic markers in some rare cases), and it shouldn't be taboo. Women and men who face this awful disease experience stress levels equivalent with cancer and death of a loved one (thanks Leah).

I just want to give some of the feelings that IF people feel. There is the death of a dream, even if you go on to get pregnant eventually and have a healthy baby, your road wasn't like your friend who got pregnant month two trying and had no problems. Your view of your body is never the same, and you never trust it again. You feel ashamed, as this is what your body was MADE to do and it's not working, and though you know you can't do anything about it, you're ashamed and feel like less of a woman/man. You become a jealous person, a very jealous person in lots of cases. I'm not typically a jealous person, I believe that I live a pretty charmed life, but I am jealous of the majority of pregnant people and have been since September of 2008 and even some before then. It's not that you're not happy for others, but you want what they have so badly, you can't control it, it's primal. (You can read the stories in the bible of Sarah, Rachel, and Leah, and the things they did concerning having children, and know it goes back ages in time). You are frustrated and hopeful, then lose hope! With each new test or thing to try, you gain hope, but are frustrated, and when that things doesn't work, you are again hopeless. It is a yoyo, rollercoaster, time warp that you hate, and yet you can't get off of it EVER. I know people who've gone on to have children and their children are grown, and they still feel, infertile. Infertility, though it may resolve, lasts forever on your heart. You wouldn't expect someone who had beat cancer to forget it and move on, you would probably even expect them to continue to fear it slightly, you wouldn't expect someone who lost a love one to forget them and move on, and yet the emotional and psychological ramifications of infertility are as strong and most people try to sweep it under the rug.

I know as a non-infertile, it's uncomfortable to you, and you don't know what to say, and you don't want to make an IF uncomfortable, but ignoring it doesn't help either.

You can say things, things that are helpful, which tend to be simple questions, (please leave out suggestions, we know you're trying to help, but if you are infertile, you have already thought of ALL of that, even if you can't admit it to yourself). A simple, 'How are you feeling?', 'Any yucky days you've had that you'd like to vent about?', 'Would you like to talk about where you are in your process?'. Those kinds of things make us feel heard, not judged (because no matter what we feel judged), or contagious!

I give examples and encourage things, as I know so many people don't know what to say, and I know that it's awkward, but I also know that our lives can feel so lonely, so avoided, so unheard. I do not pretend to know about divorce, or losing a parent, or a child (that was born), or anything that I haven't experienced, as that's not my area, so please don't think I think I'm all knowing. I just pray that the experiences I've had can help someone else, whether it's to help another IF, or BLM feel no so alone, or to help those that love us know what to say, that's my mission, that's my goal, that is the legacy I want to leave for the children I've lost!

Thanks for reading, thanks for following suggestions and helping others. I have people call me often and say things like "my friend's friend lost a baby, what should she do?" or "what should I say to 'person' who has lost a baby?", these things mean the world to me, as I feel like I'm helping and I thank you for being such big wonderful people that you're willing to learn and get out of your comfort zone for the sake of someone else! Blessings to all of you, God is using you in His ministry!

Prepping for Cala baby

I shocked that I'm going to have a baby in 106 days, if she goes to her due date! This path has seemed long and unending & it leaves you disillusioned and some say pessimistic. I (and those who've lost, or struggled with IF) will say we're cautious and sometimes we just can't believe it's finally happening for us!

For those of you who are now pregnant, or awaiting your adopted child, who by the way is fully yours, you just were blessed with a special delivery agent, I say I know your trepidation, I echo your broken scared hearts, but I pray we all throw caution to the wind and BELIEVE we too are going to get our happy endings.

I'm trying that now! I've started looking for furniture for Cala and picking everything from pack-n-plays to bouncy seats to diaper bags!!!! I'm enjoying it, but I'll say Baby Mama helps! She texted today and said 'i'm excited for you to be a mommy'! That's a plus! Adoption can be amazing!!!

I had a friend message me today and she said something that I found profound about adoption. She said she's watched so many special friends suffer through infertility while she's watched such undeserving peolple have children over and over, but that maybe our infertility was God's way of getting certain very special babies to these very special families, that maybe otherwisewe wouldn't have considered it at all! True true Dr. Gardner, thanks for the insight!

God is good all the time. All the time God is good! (Though some days it's way harder to see til you're way on the other side!!)

Babydust and love to you all!!