"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Pregnancy abounds...

but not yet for me. I have debated over and over on this post, and in favor of being honest and saying what so many people can't seem to say, here it is...

Four of my dearest friends are pregnant, I've found this all out in a matter of weeks. I can't begin to tell you what this does to me, it's such a happy time, so wonderful for them and such a blessing! Still, it is completely overwhelming for this girl who has watched 44 months pass with only 2 positive pregnancy tests and countless other babies born. Two of these friends are having their second babies, one is a BLM, and one has been trying for a long time and endured much heartache waiting for her dream to come true too. Having these friends have their dreams come true does give me hope, helps me know that dreams do come true, but it really is hard. The hard part is watching what I so desperately want happen to other people while it doesn't happen to me. It's so hard to have to defend myself, or feel the need to defend myself because I can't always jump up and down with joy for someone else, to feel bad because I can't be sympathetic about their pregnancy woes (because I'd kill for nausea, or sleep deprivation, or to have to pass on the delicious medium steak and goat cheese potatoes that I had for dinner--yummy!), to be unable to ask questions some days, and to continuously feel lapped.

I am trying very hard to be supportive, but some days are really hard, some days I see a baby that is the age that either of my children would be and I'm a mess. All of these friends have been exceptional to me through all of the loss we've endured. Each of them has asked me more than once how I feel, listened to me cry, and supported me, which is why I'm trying really hard to be as supportive of them as they've been to me. It does make a difference that these girls have been such great friends to me, it makes supporting them much easier, but it doesn't make it easy.

If you are pregnant and you have a friend who is desperately trying to get pregnant, or who has experienced loss, please know that they aren't trying to be hateful to you, that they aren't NOT happy for you, that they aren't mean horrible people. We are human, we are hurting, we are trying to navigate this life that no one would ever choose, and that we are clueless on how to get through. There is no manual on how to be a great friend to your friend who losses a baby, nor is there one on how to be a good friend when your friend has a baby and you don't. Please be patient with us, and know that we do love you, we are happy for you, but that grief is a devastating thing that sometimes controls us far more than we can control!

P.S. Special thank you to my sweet friend Rachel at Triplet Butterfly Wings for the butterfly release in honor of Layla and Michael (picture above).


  1. I totally get it and feel for you!!! Good post and love your honesty!

    I had two baby showers of dear friends after my loss of the twins......couldn't go. They both understood and I felt bad. I of course was so happy for them but at the time it was just not something I could emotionally handle. I love you Deni and you are always in my prayers. I know that one day soon you will be blessed with a little angel of your own. Hang in there my sweets! xo

  2. Once again you have put what i feel into words. Know that i am praying for you and sending you lots of hugs and Love.

  3. I am right there with you!! I definitely get it. I missed our small group a couple weeks ago because I was home with a headache. One of my friends announced that night that she was pregnant. When Barry came home and told me, all I could say was, "I'm so glad I wasn't there." I felt no joy for them at all and I feel terrible about that. So not only do I feel bad because we do not have a baby, but I also feel bad because I'm turning into one of those bitter women I never wanted to become. I am sure it's pretty normal to feel this way, but I still feel bad that I can't celebrate for my friends.

    Sorry to be a downer and not say anything encouraging or uplifting, but I just don't have it to say. I just get exactly how you feel. And I keep praying I will become more joyful again. Someday...

  4. I'm sorry Deni. Sending you hugs and love. The butterfly release is a beautiful tribute to Michael and Layla.

  5. I know how you feel. It is so possible to be happy for your friends while sad for yourself. I also always felt like I needed people in my life to be patient with me. Not being able to get pregnant is a HUGE loss. And miscarriages are a HUGE loss. You have every right to mourn at your own pace.

    Thinking of you.

  6. My Kindred Spirit,

    I get it...all of it. I've had those thoughts and even though I am currently pregnant I still have them. Just 2 wees ago I went to my nephews birthday party and was having anxiety, as my SIL would be there rocking her bump. Little did I know that I would also be met by the "surprise" that the SIL of my SIL was also pregnant. Talk about feeling lapped! And there I stood prego myself, but of course no one knew. Then my well meaning Aunt (who is precious) shared with me that my cousin and his wife "still don't have any children, either". And my Mom walked around all night long holding my brothers best friends 8 week old baby...oohing and coohing about how sweet this child was.

    ICK! That is what I felt...that awful icky feeling and need to just want to run away.

    Now on to happier more positive KNOW that I am tagging you with the baby dust :) Actually, I am "double" tagging you!

    Hang in there honey...your miracle is in the making. Don't believe any different for one second :)

    Lifting you up and praying for you always.


    Love you to the MOON & BACK!

  7. Ditto, ditto, ditto. This is actually a post that I have been playing around with writing too. 2 of my best friends are pregnant, both of them are due 2 weeks after I would have been due. Absolute pain every time that I even think about them, especially when I talk to them. And they have been so sweet and caring like your friends, but that doesn't take away from the pain that we should be celebrating pregnancy milestones together, celebrating our babies birthdays together, etc. Even though they are supportive friends, they are still pregnant supportive friends and it hurts.

  8. Going through IF and loss is just so hard-and sometimes I get so annoyed by thinking about how it has changed me for the better-basically because I don't think I should have to be changed! I was fine before, thankyouverymuch. Buttttttttttttt...when I think of how much I appreciate Avery-every single second and every smile and every cry and every exploded diaper, I know that it is one very good thing that has come out of all of this. We appreciate things so much more-we don't take pregnancy or motherhood for granted even for a second!
    What's so terribly extra hard about it is that it is EVERYWHERE-I couldn't go to Target for a year and I would feel so sullen when I saw a prego. And, if completely honest, sometimes I still get that way. When I see a woman rubbing her belly looking smug (which is all in my head!) I still think somewhat mean thoughts in my head :( The only way I get through is to know I'm not alone.
    All this waiting is so hard. Hang in there. Absolutely no matter what you will have a baby to love-I hate hate hate that you have to wait.

  9. I have never WRITTEN those words in your post but I FEEL them every day of my life. I am so amazed that you had the courage to write them and share them with all of us. My co worker had the baptism of his twins 2 weeks ago and I could not bring myself to go. I felt bad but the emptiness and pain that I felt as it got closer to the even just confirmed I was not ready to share publicly in someone else's baby joy.
    I really enjoyed the "lapped" analogy. I feel like I am on the bench and everyone else is out on the track running their race, getting their medals and moving on and I cannot get into the game.
    Despite all the above, I am pulling for you and I would not be here without your support. Sweet dreams and good luck this week.

  10. Oh Deni, I relate to soo much of this! Im feeling all of those same things too! It's just hard sometimes, and even harder when I know how happy they are & how much they deserve it but then here I sit, still babyless and struggeling. Hang in there & I'll be sitting right beside you at the pity party so save me seat friend! Praying that we both will have our dreams come true very soon! (((HUGS)))

  11. Even when I was pregnant this last time seeing other pregnant women was hard for me. It made no sense because I was pregnant too and yet I still felt so much jealousy towards them...I guess my thoughts were just that they didn't go through what I'd went through and they weren't worried like I was so it just wasn't fair. Of course how do I know what a stranger went through to get pregnant.

  12. Deni-
    I too feel that way and yet I am an earthly mom so vent away honey, vent away. When I am out and about with Kenzie I am so tuned in to the women around me. The ones that are directly behind me in line and won't look at her or me. I know there are way too many bereaved moms out there, so many women struggling to be an earthly mom or who are struggling with infertility. I used to be "that" woman behind the shopping cart unable to look in the direction of a baby, pregnant belly or happy families. Sometimes I wish I could tell them my history and that I truely understand.

    And in all honesty newborns and pregnant bellies still hurt. Maybe I am just ruined for life...IDK.

    So, honey...I am here for you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could take away all your pain. I am going to put aside a pair of those babylegs for you. I WILL be sending them to you next year...I WILL <3

  13. I sent the link to this post to my best friend...and she asked me if I wrote it. I'm currently being "lapped" by 4 close friends. Please pray for me and I'll be praying for you.

  14. Amen sister! Well said. When I first got pg in 2008 I am not kidding when I say that almost every single one of my friends was pregnant. Of course the fact that I got pg that cycle helped..right up until I m/c. I've been lapped since then too. It's hard. It really is. I neither intend nor want to feel jealousy and/or resentment towards anyone who is pregnant but if I'm honest, I sometimes do. I am a work in progress. It isn't right and this I know. I just want to be a mommy too.

  15. You always put into words what I felt and wanted to say for so long...Love you Deni!

  16. I know I've said it before...the scars of IF don't ever go away...pregnancy doesn't magically make them disappear, loss makes them even more deeply ingrained in your psyche, and healthy babies at home still can't take away fully what years of daily navigation forces one's brain to wire appropriately for and form patterns that don't go away. Throw in adoption loss and grief and bless your heart....

    You are right--it's not anger or coveting at/of others--it's dealing with the pain it brings to you in what you miss desperately.

  17. Thank you for your honesty, Deni. It makes all of us out there who feel the same feelings comforted because it means we are NOT alone. I am continuing to pray for yall and I so appreciate your support & prayers too. You are an awesome woman!

  18. all my heart gal. your words just put me in tears for your hurts. vibes and love

  19. BTW: I quoted you on my blog ( Thank you again for this post and for your honesty.