but not yet for me. I have debated over and over on this post, and in favor of being honest and saying what so many people can't seem to say, here it is...
Four of my dearest friends are pregnant, I've found this all out in a matter of weeks. I can't begin to tell you what this does to me, it's such a happy time, so wonderful for them and such a blessing! Still, it is completely overwhelming for this girl who has watched 44 months pass with only 2 positive pregnancy tests and countless other babies born. Two of these friends are having their second babies, one is a BLM, and one has been trying for a long time and endured much heartache waiting for her dream to come true too. Having these friends have their dreams come true does give me hope, helps me know that dreams do come true, but it really is hard. The hard part is watching what I so desperately want happen to other people while it doesn't happen to me. It's so hard to have to defend myself, or feel the need to defend myself because I can't always jump up and down with joy for someone else, to feel bad because I can't be sympathetic about their pregnancy woes (because I'd kill for nausea, or sleep deprivation, or to have to pass on the delicious medium steak and goat cheese potatoes that I had for dinner--yummy!), to be unable to ask questions some days, and to continuously feel lapped.
I am trying very hard to be supportive, but some days are really hard, some days I see a baby that is the age that either of my children would be and I'm a mess. All of these friends have been exceptional to me through all of the loss we've endured. Each of them has asked me more than once how I feel, listened to me cry, and supported me, which is why I'm trying really hard to be as supportive of them as they've been to me. It does make a difference that these girls have been such great friends to me, it makes supporting them much easier, but it doesn't make it easy.
If you are pregnant and you have a friend who is desperately trying to get pregnant, or who has experienced loss, please know that they aren't trying to be hateful to you, that they aren't NOT happy for you, that they aren't mean horrible people. We are human, we are hurting, we are trying to navigate this life that no one would ever choose, and that we are clueless on how to get through. There is no manual on how to be a great friend to your friend who losses a baby, nor is there one on how to be a good friend when your friend has a baby and you don't. Please be patient with us, and know that we do love you, we are happy for you, but that grief is a devastating thing that sometimes controls us far more than we can control!
P.S. Special thank you to my sweet friend Rachel at Triplet Butterfly Wings for the butterfly release in honor of Layla and Michael (picture above).