When you live your life in two week segments like so many women who are trying to conceive, the disappointments seem to pile up. I can say that in December I wasn't as disappointed by the arrival of my monthly friend, simply because I had no faith that we had hit our 'window' for the month. However, I was more than disappointed to see my EDD come and go with no baby, no pregnancy, nothing to celebrate.
In talking to one of my friends tonight who is currently preparing for IVF, I told her, "I wish you and I could just go in the bedroom with our respective husbands, do the deed and come out with a healthy baby in 9 months. Is that so much to ask?". I don't think it's too much to ask, yet I feel surrounded by people that can't accomplish this, mostly from my other baby lost moms. Then the flip side is that there are foolish, irresponsible, immature people having babies everyday, babies that aren't taken care of, babies who aren't given every advantage possible, babies who are innocent and unable to care for themselves. It truly breaks my heart. My heart is broken. It's broken for those of us who try and try and try and never get pregnant, for those who try and get pregnant over and over only to lose those babies, for those of us who hope for babies in other ways and get let down. My heart is broken for all the pills that are taken, the needles that are injected, the tests that are endured, the heartache, and the disappointments that seem to pile up on us day after day.
My friend said she feels like she should be excited to be able to do IVF in a month or so, but really she's just sad, sad that life isn't just what we expected growing up. You get an education, you find the right man, you get married, you spend time together, then you want a baby, you have sex and you get a baby. Not so much and it's disappointing. It's so hard to watch it happen for person after person after person while it still doesn't happen for you. I sometimes just want to crawl under a rock and hide there until everyone forgets that there are children, or until I no longer want a baby, or until I magically come up with a baby.
In reading another blog, the author said she felt she should be hopeful with this new year, but she was reminded of all of the things that are not. For me, I'm approaching year three of trying for a baby, with two losses, the 3rd Christmas passed with no hopes of a baby coming, and month # 33 of 35 months with no pregnancy impending! I would like to be hopeful this year, but I can be honest and say that I'm trying to be hopeful and God gives me strength to be hopeful when I ask, but this moment, I'm feeling so frustrated!!
Goodbye 2nd Grade, Goodbye Kindergarten
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