When you live your life in two week segments like so many women who are trying to conceive, the disappointments seem to pile up. I can say that in December I wasn't as disappointed by the arrival of my monthly friend, simply because I had no faith that we had hit our 'window' for the month. However, I was more than disappointed to see my EDD come and go with no baby, no pregnancy, nothing to celebrate.
In talking to one of my friends tonight who is currently preparing for IVF, I told her, "I wish you and I could just go in the bedroom with our respective husbands, do the deed and come out with a healthy baby in 9 months. Is that so much to ask?". I don't think it's too much to ask, yet I feel surrounded by people that can't accomplish this, mostly from my other baby lost moms. Then the flip side is that there are foolish, irresponsible, immature people having babies everyday, babies that aren't taken care of, babies who aren't given every advantage possible, babies who are innocent and unable to care for themselves. It truly breaks my heart. My heart is broken. It's broken for those of us who try and try and try and never get pregnant, for those who try and get pregnant over and over only to lose those babies, for those of us who hope for babies in other ways and get let down. My heart is broken for all the pills that are taken, the needles that are injected, the tests that are endured, the heartache, and the disappointments that seem to pile up on us day after day.
My friend said she feels like she should be excited to be able to do IVF in a month or so, but really she's just sad, sad that life isn't just what we expected growing up. You get an education, you find the right man, you get married, you spend time together, then you want a baby, you have sex and you get a baby. Not so much and it's disappointing. It's so hard to watch it happen for person after person after person while it still doesn't happen for you. I sometimes just want to crawl under a rock and hide there until everyone forgets that there are children, or until I no longer want a baby, or until I magically come up with a baby.
In reading another blog, the author said she felt she should be hopeful with this new year, but she was reminded of all of the things that are not. For me, I'm approaching year three of trying for a baby, with two losses, the 3rd Christmas passed with no hopes of a baby coming, and month # 33 of 35 months with no pregnancy impending! I would like to be hopeful this year, but I can be honest and say that I'm trying to be hopeful and God gives me strength to be hopeful when I ask, but this moment, I'm feeling so frustrated!!
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SAYING GOODBYE....
10 months ago
Sweet friend, I wish I could banish the thought "when will it be MY turn?" from my head. The journey is taxing, exhausting, frusterating, debilitating and often overwhelming. I wish I could send a signal to my hormones and tell them to get on board! Then, I would attatch GPS to sperm and egg so they were sure not to miss their destination!! Oh, if it were that simple. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteOn a happy note, I BELIEVE! I believe +++ signs and baby dust are coming our way. I refuse to give up, give in or lay down on this journey, even if some days I am not motivated or drag my feet. I've vowed to own the disappointment and not let it own me! We have to continue to fight for what we so desire....and you have a host of friends who are standing with you and fighting WITH YOU :)
Keep training, stay FAITHFUL, cling to HOPE and be GOOD to YOURSELF! And, know that I'm sending you hugs :)
Awwww Deni,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are feeling down. I wish i could just take all the hurt and disappointments and sadness and ball it up and burn it. I wish i could replace it with smiles and happiness. But since i can't will give you my shoulder to lean on, my ears to listen and a heart full of hope and strength when u need it and even when you don't. Sometimes i wish we never had to know this pain, not even once and especially not twice, but we just have to believe that we are better for knowing it and hold to that. I wish i had the magic words to make this all go away, the words that will put our babies in our arms. I hope you find one thing that makes you smile today. Know that i am sending you plenty of love.
I feel the same way. It shouldnt be so hard and its unfair that it is. Praying that this year is better for all of us. *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteDitto all of the above. And as Shandrea says, try to find your one positive in each day....that is all I make myself do. But I am glad you vented, as this road you are on is extremely bumpy...but if anyone can make it, its you....keep the faith strong....and we are holding your hand. Love, Nan xo
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you've been feeling frustrated. The new year tends to bring up a lot of those feelings for me as well. You're right: it doesn't seem like it's too much to ask to be able to just make a baby the traditional way, like millions of others have done! It's overwhelming to be in this situation with little or no control over the outcome -- and to repeat it month after month.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are writing about these feelings and finding support here from people who understand. Thanks for continuing to follow my blog. Email me sometime (address on my profile) and we'll talk specifics about Louisiana! :)